10:42PM - broken hearts and promises
when is it that you start to begin to realize it may be time to give up on something?
and how do you know that that feeling is right?
if you fear giving up on that one thing because of the effect it might have on that thing is that a bad reason to stay? to continue? to hope? to persevere longer than you already have? even if it's been nearly 4 and a half years or, in some cases, even longer?
how do you know, if you aren't getting a feeling, if you should give up on something?
what if there is no feeling of lost hope or lost faith, but you should still give up on it anyway?
how do you know?
i've always been a person to follow through with everything, be there for everyone, see the best in the worst of both people and situations (with some exceptions, but that's not for this entry right now), and continue to believe and have faith in people and things regardless of what they've been through, gone through, or are going through. or even sometimes, what they do... to themselves or to others.
but recently my faith and my hope have been tested so badly and so much that i just don't know what to do with myself anymore.
i can barely focus on my schoolwork - i can barely think of anything other than this situation i find myself in. this situation i have no control over because, in reality, in the grand scheme of things, it has nothing to do with me.
unless he wants it to.
you asked if we could be more than friends if & when you came home...
i answered you yes, as long as you kept yourself together. kept your act together.
you said you were going to try.
how is this trying?
how is leaving trying?
how is getting out of the one place that could save you trying?
i was so happy when we finally were back in touch, for the millionth time, and i've always let you pull the hardest at my heartstrings..
because in all honesty, i love you, and i think i always kind of have. minus the kind of.
i have been there for you through things that i never imagined i would have to watch someone go through.
i was 2 when my father was sent away.
when he went to get help i was too young to remember.
i didn't ever want to remember someone going through something like this.
but now there's you and you've just changed everything.
and not so much in a bad way, not overall, i mean, you've made me a better person than i was.
to myself especially.
you made me realize that i was special. that i was something. that i was far from nothing.
if only i could do the same for you, and maybe help you through what you're struggling with.
but i have no certification, no qualifications, nothing. not yet.
maybe i never will. only time will tell.
and i can't save the world.
and i most definitely cannot save a person who doesn't want to save himself.
i have this complex, i want to save the world, i want to save everyone, everything.
from people to forests, from animals to old historic buildings.
i'm all about the betterment of people, the world, the environment, and the preservation of what is good, and pure.
i have a soft spot for pure things.
maybe it's because i've never really had a seriously okay day in my life.
things have always been a mess.
as far back as i can remember, and in my opinion, no one should ever have to go through a messy life.
it might make you stronger, but that's only if it doesn't defeat you first.
maybe something has begun to defeat you.
but i wish and hope and want nothing more than for you to shut it down and beat it, get through this, and go on with your life in a healthy manner.
i don't want to find out that your life ended far too short because of the decision you made not to clean up your act.
i want nothing more than for you to fix everything up.
and although i can honestly say i can wish for nothing more than for you to get better and for us to get back together and finally have a healthy relationship, if the latter doesn't happen, well, at least you got better, right?
i just want you to be okay. i want you to live through this.
i could swear you had hit rock bottom when i spoke to you before you moved away. before all of this happened again and you disappeared for the god-knows-how-many-eth time.
and the fact that you keep going back, the fact that it shows that it obviously wasn't rock bottom for you, scares the hell out of me.
because if that wasn't, then what will be?
i will always be here for you when you clean yourself up.
to be honest, i think my heart will always be waiting for you, regardless of what happens.
i think my heart will always be yours, because it has been for the longest time.
but i'm beginning to think i can't do this anymore.
i can't do this to myself.
and can't watch you do this to yourself.
you're taking me down with you everytime you do this and you don't even realize it - you're taking more than yourself down.
and i know you can't clean up for other people, you need to do it for yourself, but if anything, just look at yourself, and see that even though i swear i will be there for you when you need me (because i don't know how else to deal with this - i can't just turn away), i also can't watch you waste yourself away like this.
it's killing me.
i asked you to be honest with me, and you obviously couldn't even do that.
the addiction to whatever you got yourself hooked on became too strong and now you're gone.
i can't take this.
i miss you.
i love you.
i could make you my life if you would only just get better.
but now i'm beginning to question when is enough? what is enough? when is too much and what is too much?
will you ever get better? or will you become another statistic? that's not what i want for you, but i'm beginning to get scared that's what you're making yourself.
worried