i absolutely hate this.
i can't stop thinking - i'm glad i got it all off my chest, but now i'm constantly worried about whether or not you're going to read it. i want you to so badly. it's something that you just need to know. no way around it.
because all i could think after the last time i spoke to you was "he never knew. i wonder if things would have been different had he known"
but then again i worry that it's not the time to tell you things like this - but when the hell will it ever be a good time? it seems like nothing was ever the right time for the two of us.
and i hate that.
i want there to be a right time so badly.
and if we do get a right time, i want it to be the last time. THE time. i want it to be a long time.
but i feel absolutely crazy for saying that. i'm not crazy - i can't help how i feel. and i know that. i know how i feel doesn't make me crazy.
and i know i haven't dealt with it in a crazy way - if anything i've dealt with it in too passive of a way.
i keep thinking about all of this and it's so stupid because i shouldn't have to.
things shouldn't be this way.
i don't understand how i stick myself or get myself into situations like this. it's all just so dumb.
for once i wish i could just find a boy who likes me the same way i like him.
who doesn't smother me or suffocate me with attention.
who knows exactly the right amount of texting and calling and IMing to do.
a boy who is nice but not too nice.
but isn't a complete asshole either.
maybe it's too much to ask.
i guess it probably is.
but i just don't want to be treated like shit anymore.
and i'm sick of accepting things that i shouldn't.
i don't know what more to say.
i've poured my heart out to you as of the last e-mail i sent to you, because it's the only way i know how to get in touch with you anymore.
and you've broken my heart so many times that i don't know why i even bother. i don't know why i keep putting myself out there.
and i don't think any of my friends or anyone who knows about all of this understands why i do it either. and i don't blame them.
i meant every single word i said to you.
i just want you to know that.
and all i want is for you to read it.
i just want to know that you've read it.
i should have told you that.
oh well, one more thing i meant to say and didn't.
i'll just add it to my list.
"one more disaster i can add to my generous supply."
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