2:43AM - There is no measuring time, a year doesn't matter, & 10 years are nothing... it comes only to those who are patient, who are there as if eternity lay before them... i learn it everyday of my life, learn it w.pain i am grateful for: patience is everything!
sidenote before starting.. my title is a quote from Rainer Maria Rilke.. one of my fave ppl ever.. he has amazing words.. look him up.
now on to the good stuff..
i feel like my whole entire life has been about avoiding or struggling with change.
struggling to deal with it, struggling to avoid it, struggles to prevent it..
and i think if anything it has done more than just the opposite.
i feel like every year i do a complete turn around.. i change completely.
not so much myself and what's inside of me, nor my personality, but like.. my surroundings and my comfort-levels/comfort-zone..
i guess i don't really know how to describe it..
it's just crazy how in a year's span of time..
things can be completely different..
i wonder if i'd written anything a year to this date ago..
i wonder if i did, what it said, i know what it was probably concerning if i had..
i should check that..
it'd be interesting to see..
to be honest i probably felt similar to the way i do right now.
confused. torn. apprehensive. excited. mixed in every way.
...ha... & on my way to my past entries i came upon one from october.. saying i was done with a certain someone...
i don't think that will EVER be the case.. at all.
i don't think it's at all possible for me to ever push him out of my life.
partly because of how i feel, partly because i have some stupid like.. "save the world" complex or something, and mainly because i honestly just need him.
dumb.
i'm really freakin dumb sometimes.
especially to think anything could possibly ever come of THAT situation..
i had motivation to look through all these old entries until i realized that an hour's gone by and i've gotten nothing but distracted by everything less than a year ago..
funny because i'm only two months away..
but all these quotes.. and these entries..
everything..
it just kind of gets to me.
i get caught up in it all.
in what i felt
what i still feel but now hide so well..
or what i felt then and never voiced
and in some cases still feel that way and probably never will admit to it because i'm scared.
everyone gets like that right..?
i mean who isn't afraid of hurt or rejection? who doesn't fear being alone for the rest of their life?
i know i'm not abnormal in this sense.
i know for a fact that i'm not.
although i'm probably one of the only people who will openly admit in a freakin online journal that i am..
for the whole world to see.
but it's okay.. because i'm that comfortable with who i am that if you have a problem with what i think or how i feel, then i know and realize that you're really just not the type of friend or person i want in my life to begin with.
in the way..
in a year..
i've gone through great (and by great i mean extremely good, not a large portion.. although i guess that too) change for myself.
for once i've finally begun to put myself first
to care for myself before i begin to care for others.
because it is only when you are truly yourself, only when you are truly comfortable and satisfied that you can honestly and truly help another.
at least in a most efficient way anyway..
funny.. i go through all of these old entries.. and read them
and honestly some of them i just like reading because i'm not going to lie.. i think i'm a pretty good writer..
i've always been happy with my writing skills (not for school, but for creative kinds of writing as well as expressive)
and i finally get to the damn entry that started me on my search and i find what?
a stupid quiz.
a stupid little blogger quiz thing..
"what animal were you in a past life."
i guess i was feeling at ease..
at 2:29 AM on Aug 1, 2006 i was feeling completely opposite of how i am now.
& to think only a few months later i'd still somewhat be able to relate to those entries within less than a year's span of time.
wow..
change..
you see why i dont like it?
fuck that.
ha.. wow.. i can't even think of anything more to do than just laugh at that.
if only i had know.. i wonder if anything would be different right now?
i wish i had known how all that would have turned out so maybe i could have changed something thats confusing the hell out of me now.
but then again i could be in a worse situation than i am now had i made that change then.
i guess i make good choices..
it's just dealing what comes with it all
and the changes i have to make to adjust to it all
that really truly kills and bugs me the most..
weird..
you'd think i'd open it warmly and welcome it with open arms knowing that most of my change has been for good
& yet i still avoid it and fear it every chance i get, every time it shows its freakish little head..
i don't get it..
weird