6:55PM
this has by far been one of the most trying years of my life
but i'm no where near ready to let it go.
i am going to miss this year so much. i can't even describe it.
the end of the year has been going out with a bang - its drawn itself out - made itself so prominent
and it's making me not want to leave more and more
why is it that sometimes this place is hell and others it's home
and when it's home it's more than amazing
but when it's hell it's beyond horrible?
it drives me nuts - i never know whether i want to stay or go
but right now all i know is i'm not ready for all this "goodbye" business.
i feel like i leave this year and i leave everything behind
it's like.. last year.. everything was changing but i came back and it was fairly similar
this year, everything has changed and coming back next year is going to be completely different than the past two years have been.
it's not a bad thing because i cannot wait to come back next year - i know it's going to be absolutely amazing, but i just wish i could skip this whole being away for so long thing.
i don't want to be away for so long.
i know i'm going to come back up in june for our Jumpstart thing
but even that's going to be hard
it'll be an official final goodbye.
walking out of CAT time today Skyler goes "I'll miss you guys" and i lost it.
just writing that right now made me start tearing up again.
those kids meant the world to me.
and i can't even do it again next year - and even if i did, no year is ever the same.
and it's always equally as hard to leave.
when the weather gets nice i miss my friends from home so much
but when i get home i miss my friends from school equally as much.
it just hurts to be so far away from all the people i care about.
and it sucks to know that i can't just walk down the hall and see my friends
or go to the cafe and eat with my other friends
or go across campus and know i'll bump into someone i want to or don't mind seeing.
at home it's a place to avoid seeing the people you don't want to see and a struggle to go out without those people somehow finding you.
it's a battle between work and friends, and this summer - classes as well.
at least up here it's only classes and school and work is with friends i already have.
i don't really know what to do with myself right now.
i want to cry - ball my eyes out cos i don't want to leave.
but at the same time i want to jump up and down with excitement cos i get to go home to my SLUTS and my family.
i get to watch Danika grow up more
i get to hang out with my cousin before she goes away to school
i get to party with the best of the best and go on aimless drives to no where at 10 and not come back til 1 in the morning because we've ended up somewhere random
i get to go to savin with my susie q and sit on mermaid rocks and watch cracked out fish go apeshit
but there's just something about this place that seems to trump some of that.
not all.
but at the same time it's like hey.. your life is back home.. your heart is here & home.
and that's what kills me - my heart is torn.
my life, yes, is home.
but my heart, it's stuck between here and home and it sucks.
i'm just not ready for all this goodbye stuff.
i want to hug everyone and not let them go.
because i don't want them to go and i dont want to go.
why does leaving hurt so much
when everyone else seems to be so ok with it?
sad