3:54AM - "Do you ever wonder if we make the moments in our lives or the moments in our lives make us?" [[Lucas, OTH]]
i can't effing stop thinking and it's sickening.
i'm laying here.. in bed.. and i can't stop thinking.
i can't stop my mind from racing.
and it's not even about anything bad persay.. it's just the past.
it's like.. some things i've just been starting to miss so much more lately.
maybe it's the time of year and the reminiscing being done coincides with the events of the time of year it currently is.
this time
last year
was ridiculous
in so many different ways.
and so much different
in so many different ways.
i did some things this weekend that were completely out of character for myself..
and in turn they are completely confusing the crap out of me.
i'm not the only one though. a couple of people have come to me saying that they never would have done so many of the things that they did this past weekend.
what is the world coming to?
maybe the universe is like.. reversing itself.
such a stupid statement.. but i'm looking for anything to cure this confusion i'm feeling right now.
anything.
i'm really nervous about the end of semester.
i'm scared where it's going to place me for next year.
i hope to God it is still here.
the reality of the fact that i am at a huge risk of not coming back is scaring the shit out of me.
i never thought i'd be the one to risk all of this.
ever.
in high school i never thought the things affecting me now would ever be affecting me before i was like.. 25.
ok.. maybe 21.
some of the things i can't put a timeline on when i thought they would happen.
other things i can honestly say i never thought they would happen. ever.
i have changed so much in just the past 3 years.. and it's incredible.
i think in the past 3 years i have changed in more of a personal way than i have at any other point in time in my life.
i can't say i'm unhappy.
because if i did, that'd be a lie.
i think i can say i'm completely content with life right now and not be lying.
but i can't say this confusion is helping my happiness at all.
it's not hurting all the much.
it's just hindering my mood every now and then.
maybe i should work on being more regular with certain things.
i need to follow up on some things.
i need to be more responsible.
i need to grow up a little more in the fact that i need to focus on important things as opposed to stupid social things.
i need to focus on career goals.
i need to focus on school work.
i need to focus on more mature things.
as opposed to fun.
i have fun
and i'm happy
BUT
i need to have fun and be responsible
and be happy.
and on that note
i should probably pass out so i can wake up for my 9:30 class..
step one of being responsible: make it to class... ON TIME.
goodnight..
pray for me.
please.
that i stay.
that's all i need right now.
everything else in life is good
or at least more in my control than this.
i'm losing control on some things
and it's kind of stupid/ridiculous.
goodnight.
♥
contemplative