ok.. so i'm happier than i have been in so long
sincerely, genuinely happy.
happiest i've been in a while - if not the happiest i can ever remember being.
my life is finally falling in place.
things are finally making sense.
and i'm finally feeling right with who i am.
but at the same time, i don't think my life has been more of a mess.
my life is a perfect mess.
it makes NO SENSE.
none. at all.
things seem so amazing.. and they are so amazing..
but at the same time things are just completely crazy.
first: you keep coming in and out of my life and i have no idea wtf to do with you.
you drive me up a fucking wall, but i fall for, put up with, deal with, and allow myself to get involved in everything you put me through, everything you say, and all that you do.
you're a fucking drug. the most addictive one i've ever tried.
my hardest habit to break.
then: there's you. i regret hurting you. so much. and recent events just make it a little bit harder to deal with.
if there is anything i can see myself regretting for just about the rest of my life i think it will be this.
letting you down. hurting you. leaving you out in the cold. pushing you to the side. avoiding everything just long enough that you found someone else.
and now i'm nothing more than jealous of those girls.
and i'm nothing more than the girl who turned you down in high school.
it sucks. and i miss you.
but then again what if things ended so horribly had they happened that i lost you completely as well as all our mutual friends?
but at the same time, it's not like anything has ever been the same since... so who the fuck knows.
but i guess those things are just things i'll have to deal with.
have to take the good with the bad.. right?
and i guess only one of them is completely terrible. then again.. both of them suck lol.
the first one is morally completely horrible.
the second one just weighs on my conscience horribly. every time i see you.
but there's really nothing i can do about any of this.
at all.
you just gotta take the good with the bad the happy with the sad.
so i don't regret you.
it's done and over with.
but i regret not acting on anything with you.
it never really happened the way it could have because i didn't do what i should have.
it's true - you really do regret the things you haven't done more than the ones you did.
it sucks.
from here on in, i am going to try my best to do the things i want to do.
to do the things i think i should.
not to be afraid to regret actually doing something.
because the what-ifs are the worst out of everything i've ever dealt with.
wishing i had gone with something instead of sitting on the sidelines waiting for someone else who was miles and hours away is no way to feel when you're around someone.
i always tried to make the most of everything
to do the most i possibly could..
but the one time i let something pass me by
is one time i wish i could take back more than almost anything i've ever done.. if not everything i've ever done.
so things now are perfect & a mess.
a perfect mess that i can't clean up.
although i'm not sure i'd want to cos then the perfection might dissolve and the mess might just get more overwhelming.
but my next goal is to get rid of the mess
and just have things be kinda perfect.
or generally perfect.
so that's what i'm going to do - i'm not going to sit back and wait things out.
i'm going for it.
and that's that.
♥
things will clean up
and life will be perfect.
if it takes years, then so be it, as long as things don't get bad from here.. because i like being able to feel this happy.
i like being this happy.
i like knowing i can count on people.
and i like knowing i can be me and still fit in.
i love my friends. i love my life.
and i guess, to be honest, i kinda do love my mess.
it adds spice to it all.
tonight was a good night.
i can't wait til summer.
i love my friends.
i love home.
i love my friends.
i love school.
i just love life right now.
it's kinda of ridiculous.. ly awesome :-)
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