3:38AM - when will my reflection show, who i am inside?
so many times i have sat here thinking about how much i actually miss st. joes..
when i never ever thought i would..
i was so excited to get out of that place.
i was so excited to move on to another chapter in my life - in cuse - at le moyne.
my life completely changed - a total 180 - when i got to college.
i wasn't a little priss anymore.
i wasn't little miss goody 2 shoes.
i wasn't anything i stood for in h.s. anymore, really.
and yet i find myself missing high school.
i'm the person i always wished i could be in h.s.
but for some reason, i wish i could go back to sj. . .
do i want to be back there b/c i miss the person i was?
or do i want to go back there cos i want to be the person i am now, then?
i don't really know.
sometimes i miss the simple way i was before.
maybe i wasn't clinically happier then
but i didn't have nearly as many problems.
i knew my place and that was that.
but to be honest, my place now is so much more complicated than it was in h.s.
that's what sucks.
not so much at home - i've stayed simple at home.. for the most part...
ok.. well.. sort of...
but at school, i'm a completely different person than i was.
it carries over to home, but my friends accept me that way so i guess i don't really feel like i've changed cos all of my friends have really kind of stuck by me in ways.
i still have them
and they still have me.
it's mutual.
but at school, it's like.. NOTHING EVER stays the same.
even the one person i thought would stay concrete has pretty much, in two cases, nearly abandoned me.
i feel like that person seriously wants out and if that's the case.. then idk what i'm going to do with myself to be honest..
cos then what do i have?
i have a new, clean-ish, slate..
and that scares me to tell you the truth.
even though i've completely started over this semester anyway.
the last night before break, hanging with the girls i was with, first in my room, then out of the dorm, those girls are amazing
and i can't ask for better girls to be honest..
but it's just weird how everything has completely changed.
idk if i like it.
in some ways i do, because some people just are not trustworthy or good enough people for me to waste my time on
(and to the ppl who will obviously first jump to thinking it's them - get over it, cos it's not.. ironically, after all the shit, i sometimes still wish none of it ever happened.. even though true colors really shined through cos of it..)
but at the same time, it's just like.. i was comfortable before, so why did things have to go and change?
then again.. the girls i really wished i knew better are the ones i've been hanging out with
and i see more and more everyday why i should have gotten to know them better even earlier on than i had.
i don't really know where i was planning on going with this
i think i just needed to get it all out..
and it's mostly out
so since it's 3.30 am,
i think i'm going to go to sleep.
here's to new beginnings
here's to past confusions
here's to the past coming back to confuse the future.
here's to everything you wished you were
and to everything you found out you could be
here's to all of the change
and all of the lies
and to all of the pain
you've been made to endure
here's to all of the bullshit
and all of the good times
here's to the people who leave
when you least expect it
here's to the people who walk out the door
the minute you need them the most
and here's to the times when you've learned
who is worth all those times and who isn't.
here's to life
and how much it sucks
and how much it can amaze you.
here's to the roller-coaster we all inevitably live on.
goodnight.
weird