3:28AM - sometimes i really hate life. sometimes i think it could all just end now and neither i nor anyone else would even care.
i really don't get it.
i thought our friendship was better than all of this.
i've IMed you 3 times and you've never said anything back..
so i'm assuming thinking is just another word for forgetting i exist or forgetting we were friends?
idk.. i'm not really sure.
the last thing i wanted to do was fight with you
and it hurts to know that the friendship we had meant this little.
so much so that you could just throw it away..
i don't really know what to say to you at this point.
it'd just be nice if our friendship ever even mattered to you in the first place.
i feel like i was completely used by you.
you had barely anyone so you clung to me
but the next best & beneficial person came along
so you clung to her.
and completely forgot/ditched/left me.
it's nice to know that even though you say those weren't your words
you did nothing to prevent them from stinging into me continually.
just as well, you let things happen to me 10x worse than anything i could have ever done to you.
all i did was talk.
what is going on now is malice.
there have been so many knives stabbed into and twisted around in my back this semester to the point that i don't even know where to begin, how to remove them, or how to recover.
the more i try to be a good person
the more it backfires and gets fucked up.
and it's funny because the words that were said
the ones you told me weren't yours, only hers,
stated that i wasn't a good friend.
like i wasn't a good person.
but it's funny because even now i would be there for you.
because that's the person that i am.
i let people walk all over me and i let them use me and hurt me and tear me to pieces
and yet i still let them back into my life, after all the bullshit they've put me through.
why?
i'm not really sure.
maybe it's because i don't want to abandon people the way i've been abandoned.
maybe it's because i don't want to hurt people they way that i've been hurt before.
who the hell knows.
maybe it's just what it is:
that i'm too nice for my own good.
whatever it is, i just can't help but feel so hurt over all of this.
i'm sure you've heard by now how i was weak the other day.
i know for a fact certain people tell others everything.
whether they say they won't or not.
it'd just be nice if for once people cared about me the way i did about them.
[i know i've said that so many times before, but nothing's changed. sometimes i think it never will.]
& it'd just be nice if for once friends were true and didn't ditch each other.
but who am i kidding?
this is the real world,
and no one gets a happy ending.
confused
amused