1:07PM - killing myself from the inside out
last semester i was so comfortable with everything.
aside from my grades, everything was pretty much perfect.
perfect friends group, perfect balance, perfect social life..
everything was fine, looking back on it.
yes, i was alone in certain aspects - but at least i had my group of friends.
and i had seperate friends as well.
now that's all fucked.
and once again everything is completely different.
more than half the time i've been here, since about halfway into the first week at least, i've felt out of place with people i used to feel most comfortable with.
only one person's stayed the same.
and that person has remained the same since november of freshman year.
i wouldn't change that for the world, but i miss last semester so much.
maybe not the beginning of it, but the rest of it for sure.
i went through so much shit to get to where i was at the end of last semester
and now it's all gone to shit i feel like.
and yes, i understand people's schedules changed.
i understand ALL of our schedules changed.
but i feel like some people just go with what is convenient and if anything seems like it will take effort, then fuck it - it's not worth the time.
and that's not fair at all.
i more than try to make the effort to see people as much as i can - but it's really fucking hard when they never make the time or effort to be around anyone other than who fits into their stupid school schedule.
i'ts not fair and i hate it.
i know life isn't fair - big fucking deal - i can take it.
but when people you thought were your best friends aren't fair - that's where the line is drawn and i begin to break.
i don't want to be here anymore if every semester my "friends" are going to change.
what's the freakin point?
i don't want to be sitting here writing this, feeling a lump swell up in my throat.
this isn't how it's supposed to be.
this isn't how it's supposed to happen.
this isn't what's supposed to happen.
it just isn't right at all.
why is it that every other group of people i see seems to stay concrete, but mine always falls apart?
people transfer without telling me.
people go off with other [mutual] friends and leave me behind.
it's such complete bullshit.
i want to be here.
i really REALLY do.
but i'm beginning to think i'm the only one who wants me here.
i'm beginning to think that all this b.s. that keeps happening is some higher power's way of telling me maybe i don't belong here.
despite the fact that this is the only place i want to belong.
this place was home for me.
i died inside without it over the month i was gone for.
and now i'm back and i'm dying inside just being here because i have nothing.
i hate writing sad depressing entries.
i want to be happy.
but it's hard when you're the outsider in your own group of friends.
and it's even harder knowing that when certain people are together - it doesn't matter if you're around or not - you might as well not exist.
the thing that hurts the most about that is that i considered them 2 of my best friends in the entire world.
i could go to them with anything.
now i feel like i can't talk to them without getting mad at or annoyed with me.
where did the friendship go?
where did the friends i thought i had go?
:-/
i'm gonna go watch Garden State til i have to go to class..
cos i'm in that mood where it's probably the only thing that will make me feel better...
crushed