1:59AM - i never asked for this... is happiness just a dream? "i'm not sure where i belong, no where's home & i'm all wrong."
maybe i can't picture myself anywhere else because i never really looked further into any other place..
maybe i'm not meant to be here.
i just hold on to hope for too long..
maybe i should have left last year.
then again..
maybe..
even if i did..
things would still suck.
have you ever gotten the feeling you don't belong anywhere at all?
sometimes i think my whole life has had that feeling..
because the only moments i've had a sense of "home" have been fleeting ones.
it hurts to know that no matter where you go, you might never belong anywhere.
and you may never become anyone's.
it's scary to think that at 19 years old, for all you know, the misery and lonliness you feel today, could be the foreshadowing and preparation for an even lonelier future.
i don't want do think that way,
but what grounds to i have to think any differently?
:-\
why do i always care more for others than those i care about do for me?
Current mood: 
lonely
Current music: sympathy // goo goo dolls
2:21AM - this story's getting old. . .
and another thing...
why is it that i'm always the one giving second chances to everyone who fucks me over or fucks up,
but when i need a second chance the most, i can't have it.
ever.
i mean, i know it's impossible to go back in time and change my academic acheivements from last semester, but i just wish there was something i could have done then (that i was aware about) that would have given me another chance to get myself out of the rut i'm stuck in now.
all last semester was about, it seems like, was second chances.
giving people another try.
in high school i would hold grudges for so long.
now i'm in college and it's almost like i've lost all the energy i had back then on those grudges i held.
it's easier for me to just give up and let people walk all over me again.
even though the more i do it, the more i get worn down, broken, and battered.
i feel like i'm putting myself through an abusive relationship.
mentally with physical side effects.
it's ironic..
the one thing i always feared is the one thing that, in trying to prevent, is making me miserable.
i've always been petrified to have no one.
no friends, i mean. cos the world knows i've always floundered in the relationship department (and not even all by my fault either.. i just get brushed to the friend box too quickly..)
but ever since middle school my biggest fear afterward, was of having no friends.
it's not that i NEED people around.. or i NEED the attention..
but what i DO NEED is to know that if i need *someone* i have people to go to.
that if i need someone to go to and one person isn't around that i have someone else to go to.
because honestly, i can't be trusted with myself.
that fact was proven so many times over, but i was the only one who knew it.
until last spring semester.. then.. everything came pouring out.
that was the worst low of my entire life.
i don't want to get to that point this semester.
i can't afford to get to that point again.
ever. in my entire life.
i just can't...
i'm so tired right now.. and i'm rambling on and on..
i should just go pass out and do my stupid h.w. in the AM before class..
note to self: wake up you lazy asshole.
yea.. i'm not even saying that negatively about myself.
i just hate mornings.
they suck.
so yea..
about that sleeping thing..
i'm gonna go do that..
and hopefully..
when i wake up tomorrow..
it'll be last semester again
and i'll have a second chance with 3 different aspects of my life.
and maybe when i finish up last semester for the second time, this semester will be good... for the first.