3:49AM - sleepy realizations
generally, i'm not a very religious or spiritual person..
but i do pray, and i do definitely believe in God.
if i look at what i was brought up with - the Catholicism i was taught from grades 6-12 and before that in CCD since 3rd grade - there are 10 Commandments.. and 7 Deadly Sins
and for all your life, if you are brought up Catholic, you are taught that if you don't follow them, you are sinning.
but what if God made those rules to be broken?
what if there are exceptions to all the rules.
there always have been and usually always are in life.. so what makes this any different?
we're only human.
the person who wrote the Commandments down (as well as those who contributed to the entire Bible in general) and said God told him to write them down was only human.
and if you look at what you're taught in that lovely little Catholic school (usually high school) of yours.. you'll remember that God made humans with the ability to go astray. with flaws. with options.
with free will.
so then take college life...
Commandments-wise:
1.) i believe Andrew MacMahon is a musical god.
2.) i swear like a sailor.
3.) i hardly ever go to church - i prefer to pray on my own. and on Sundays i'd rather sleep in and get homework done.
4.) i fight with my parents.
5.) i've never killed.. but have wished ill unto others
6.) i do things with boys that i'm "not supposed to" and i wear clothes that would be considered "inappropriate" by elders.
7.) i've shoplifted
8.) i have lied numerous times when it comes to schoolwork. and i lied to my dad when i told him my grades this semester.
9.) i look at boys who are both single and taken, and admire them if they are good looking (if you don't know them of course it's going to be superficially based)
10.) there are so many things other people have that i would like to have. it's natural. and, again, i'm only human.
Now for the 7 Deadly Sins:
1.) i compare myself to others constantly - sometimes to make myself feel better, other times to see what i lack & i can't stand when other people think they're better than everyone else..
2.) i envy many things... i'm sure if you just read through prior entries it'll be pretty obvious what my worst one is.
3.) i can be extremely confrontational and when i am angry i always tend to be malicious or want revenge for wrongdoing done unto me.
4.) i sleep in til whatever hours i so please when i don't have class or work
5.) i constantly am in need of money - i can never have enough because i always have to be doing something. i hate not having it because i hate thinking i can't buy things.. and usually when i buy, it's for myself. i'm far from selfish, however i like to be pampered.
6.) i binge drink & i indulge myself in Starbucks coffee like it's my job. i've smoked a couple of things i shouldn't have.
7.) lust? oh come on.. who DOESN'T have physical needs that they would rather have fulfilled than not? hi... i'm HUMAN and 19 years old. but it's not like lust is the only thing that drives me. it def. isn't. but i can't say i've never felt it.
i pretty much am your typical college student.
but in the eyes of religion.. i live a life of sin.
but i still pray.
i still believe God loves me.
i still believe that He is with me no matter what.
i still believe He guides me and listens to me when i need Him.
so is someone actually going to tell me i'm wrong?
i'm not the kind of person who, if she felt something wasn't working or wasn't there, would continue to do w/e it was i was doing.
i trust in God and He helps me.
and i don't care what any of you religious fanatics say.
college is an opportunity to fuck your life up royally while learning how to fix it in the future.
it's there solely for us to experiment and to live.
because once we're out of there, we actually have to buckle down and be serious about things for once.
we're responsible for everything after this.
and after thinking everything over, after my whole life living in fear that every move i make is going to land me in "Hell" i have come to a conclusion:
we are taught God is forgiving.. merciful..
we are given opportunities in life that aren't possible to fulfill without going to college..
add the two together..
we're allowed to fuck up.
we're allowed to live.
we're allowed to do what we think, for the moment, is right.
and in the end, He will always forgive us.. no matter what..
(unless of course you kill someone... or something way drastic like that..)
but if all we are doing is living for the moment, allowing our youth to end on the best note possible, then what's so wrong with that?
at the age we're at, we're just REALLY learning who we are..
and everything we thought we knew about ourselves crumbles apart.
and without being able to experiment, to mess up, to go crazy and come back to normalcy afterward, how are we supposed to find out who we truly are in the end?
it's not possible.
i volunteer.
i help people.
i am there for my friends.
i love with all my heart.
i care about others more than myself.
i give to the poor.
i help those in need.
i teach.
i care.
i love.
i live.
even though i do so many things "wrong" i am still an amazing person with a big heart and a great mind.
and at the end of the day... i still believe.
and in the end.. that's all you really need.
exhausted