12:29AM - i hate this feeling... if only i could make it stop...
ok.. so.. i'm seriously sick of thinking.
one day into the new year and i'm already like... UGH..
i mean.. i didn't expect everything to go away at the stroke of midnight..
but it would have been nice if i could resolve to stop overthinking for the new year.
but no.
i always have and apparently always will overthink every single little thing.
there's you..
and you confuse me.
do you like me or not?
i'd really just like to know.
these one word answers really are not going to suffice.
& all these random kisses do not help me sleep well at night.
you act like you like me.
but then we talk in ways other than in person
and things get so blurry and confusing.
i still have something of yours.
i'm assuming you're going to want it back.
you told a friend of mine you weren't just using me.
so prove it.
please.
i'd give anything to know it's true.
i'd give anything for you to feel the same way about me that i do about you.
and then there's the message i received.
i mean i'm sure he doesn't know how i feel.
there's no way he could.
i pushed it aside cos we have no friends in common..
at least not anymore..
so it's not like anything could ever happen.
friends are a HUGE part of relationships.
right?
i'm just waiting here.. hoping like.. you know.. something good will come of the short sentences we've sent one another.
like you know "we should hang out sometime" and that it'll actually happen.
i miss hanging out with him.
even though we never really hung out one-on-one.. but when we hung in a group.. and when you stopped by with a, then, mutual friend, i enjoyed you being around.
you always make a point to say hi.
(as do i... of course)
but when you do first, it just makes me happy.
and then there's this muted sort of thing.
i'm beginning to give up because i'm thinking it's hopeless.
i'd love to think otherwise.
but i can't.
cos i really don't think there is an "otherwise."
i never had a chance to begin with, did i?
finally there's the proposal i received today..
is there anything in the world that will stop throwing things so off?
i'm hung up so badly right now.
i don't want to hurt anyone.
and i don't want to get attached to any one else.
i'm scared.
everything like this falls apart.
it's like the story of my life at this point.
it sadly and patheticly is.
i wish i could say differently.. but i can't.
and now i'm sitting here feeling panicky and shaky cos stupid me drank caffine..
goooood job assholeee.....
so everything going on in my mind plus my stupid mistake def. isn't helping me at all.
i'm so dizzy and tired.
i just want to be able to get a good night's sleep for once.
last night was a drunken night's sleep.
the night before was a thoughtful night's sleep.
as were the nights before.
and the nights all break.
you'd think since i was away from school i would cease from thinking about things at school..
but my life revolves around things up there.
my life is syracuse. my life is le moyne.
my life is everything and everyone up there.
my life is five hours away from me.
and there's nothing i can do about it.
even if i was to go up early, i would have nothing there.
everyone is gone. everyone is in a place they call home.. or "home"
i don't know what mine is.
earlier it was the latter.
sometimes it feels like the first.
other times..
i feel like i don't really have a home...
i guess it's true what they say..
home is what you make it..
it's just too bad idk what i've made.
restless