*LoU*'s Day

4:29AM - i dedicate this to you because you "call everyone kid" [way to make me feel special..] x/33 please don't break my heart anymore

"i fell for the promise of a life with a purpose
but i know that that is impossible now.
and so i drink to stay warm
and to kill selected memories
because i just can't think anymore about that or about her him tonight
i give myself three days to feel better
or i swear i'll drive right off a fucking cliff
because if i can't make myself feel better
then how can i expect anyone else to give a shit
and i scream for the sunlight or a car to take me anywhere
just get me past this dead and eternal snow
because i swear that i am dying, slowly but its happening
and if the perfect spring is waiting somewhere
just take me there and lie to me and say it's going to be alright
its going to be alright, yeah you worry too much kid,
its going to be alright."
- "If Winter Ends" by Bright Eyes -

3:51PM - it's snowing and yet i feel no reassurance that the world is going to be okay. that's not normal. where did the reassurance of the snow go?

my story has turned into a pathetic one of wishing
you would talk to me, but knowing that you won't.
-me 12.19.06

if only it wasn't true. :-\
i'm so distracted by you
and you're not even around.
how the hell did that happen?
i hate my brain for thinking about you
but i hate myself even more for letting it consume me
you're all i've begun to think about
and i can't stand it.
i just wish our conversations were more than they are.
i wish your away messages and your info weren't about some other girl.
i just wish you could see me the way i thought you did
how could a few weeks change feelings so quickly?
while mine got stronger, you pushed yourself away.
i can't stand it.
i can't deal with it.
i miss you. i like you.
but those are two things i'll never let you know.
why?
because i don't want to get hurt anymore.
i can't deal with anymore hurt.

i just wish i had done somethings sooner.
and waited to do other things for later.

i mess everything up.
or was it not my fault this time either?
feelings just change and i have no control over it?
yea.. well when the feelings are toward me, it's hard to believe that i couldn't have done something differently to keep those feelings from fading.

you stood at your door
with your hands on my waist
and you kissed me like you meant it.

i want to go back to the night of my birthday
when you stood at the door of my dorm, ready to leave
and all you did was kiss me goodbye.
is that so much to ask?
to be kissed in a way you think means something?
i just want someone to kiss me and mean it for once.
i'm sick of kissing boys who don't mean it.
or who i mean nothing to.
please mean something.
please let me mean something.
please let our kisses mean something.

let me be something.
to someone.
for once.
please?