4:21AM - so afraid what people might say but that's okay cos youre only human...
you're making it impossible.
but then again maybe you're just ending it.
i can't really tell to be honest.
i just wish you would outright say it to me instead of not talking to me at all.
i still have your sweatshirt..
if you want it back, like it or not, you're going to HAVE TO talk to me..
otherwise not only are you losing out on a great girl but a pretty good lookin aero sweatshirt too.
i guess if you lose the employee you lose the clothes.
must go with the territory or something.
kind of ironic that the thing you leave her is something i work with.
i dont know why, i just find irony in it.
i also find irony in all of this stuff as well:
-you talk to me and hang out with me after the first night we met when we made out all night... before even really knowing each other.
-you told me i was beautiful
-you walked all the way across campus on my bday to come see me when you're sick
-you just give me a kiss goodnight
-you kissed me on the cheek in front of my friends
-you kissed me at the dance in front of everyone
-you told me you would hang out with me after the stupid dance
-you texted me and said you were passed out... i dont get that.. how do you text in your sleep?
-you acted like i had a chance
it's sad that i care this much.
i'm not trying to be clingy, so if i came off that way, then i'm sorry.
i want to at least be friends.
and i'm sick of this viscious cycle i constantly find myself in.
i don't want to fall. i try not to fall. i try not to even remotely think that i like a guy at all. but he makes it so easy for me to fall right into that trap. the trap where i like him and am dumb enough to believe that he may possibly feel the same way about me.
if it was just supposed to be fun while it lasted, then why did you make the effort to come over here when you knew it wasn't going to get you anything?
or were you hoping otherwise?
i'm not some easy little girl.
i'm a modest, self-respecting young woman.
and i'm sick and tired of getting pushed to the side for every other girl.
i know i'm attractive.
i know i have a great personality.
i know i'm easy to talk to.
i know i'm a good person.
so what's wrong with me?
cos i'm not seeing anything...
and i'm just so confused that after talking and chilling you can just stop talking to me out of no where after ditching me after a dance..
if i did something wrong - let me know.
cos honestly, i'm wishing so hard right now that friday night never even fucking happened.
it's 4:20 in the morning.
i should be studying for my psych final.
instead i'm obsessing over the fact that everything in my life is falling apart..
and the one thing that i thought might turn out right for once, has officially completely slipped away.
Current mood: 
crushed
Current music: konstantine // soco
4:56AM
i have decided that instead of studying for psych i am going to write a story using song lyrics.. (mainly spill canvas and soco)
here's my life..
or my current life i should say..
enjoy it..
I had the notion that you'd make me change my ways: my bad habits would be gone in a matter of days. I had the feeling that you'd open up my eyes, to a whole new world that had since been in disguise. But that day will most likely never come for me, & it's just my luck to end up getting stuck to everything you are. So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures, & overanalyze your words. It's taking everything in me just to forget your sweater so far. What's with me and the way that I've been lately? What's with you and the way you make me feel? I'm scared because these things fall apart. I've known it from the start. So please forgive me for being like I am . . . But I'll take you if I can. If I just lay here would you lie with me & just forget the world? I had the notion that you'd make me forget the world, but your undecisive mind shows me that you are just another girl boy. I had the feeling that those looks you gave me were real. I will breathe in a moment, as long as I keep my distance. I wouldn't want to go messing anything up. So don't go worrying about me. It's not like I think about you constantly. So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect your life anymore.
I wanna hang on to something that won't break away or fall apart like the pieces of my heart. So let's find a bar so dark we forget who we are, and all the scars of the nevers and maybes die. We'll sit and sing a song of what we did wrong. And maybe I'll regret you. It's not what you say that matters the most, as long as she knows you care. Throw out your pick up lines and be sincere. For the wait, for the crush, for the fear, for the lush, for the love, for the hate, for the touch. I will wait out for you. Just say it like you mean it.
I guess you're running out of time. The perfect moment exists to pass me by. It's the sickest kind of joke in mind, & only seems to haunt you if you're shy. These nights when we were drinking, no, they never got us anywhere. Yea, we've been drinking and it doesn't get us anywhere, no. Love and sex and lonlieness, take what's yours and leave the rest. You paint a pretty picture, but the frame is SO ugly. You've got me down on my knees and I proclaim, "all hail the heartbreaker!" I'm not satisfied with where I'm at in life. Lost in a simple game, cat and mouse. Fiction is the only way you're dealing, you turn your pretty head if it gets real. You take it so slowly, and "your eyes look so lonely, but it's only when you think about me." I know you never meant to do everything you put me through. It's okay I forgive you. Just know that when you see me cringe sometimes, I'm trying to rid the poison from my mind. I want so badly to believe that there is truth, that love is real. And I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd.
Love, bring me the head of jealous. His curse is the poison on her lips. What better time than now to bandage your bleeding? I won't stop til I fix your misleading. Your charm, of course, you use as a weapon. But my heart can't take it.
Shallow it seems, but I need you here. Sing me to sleep. I wish you were here. Desperate it seems. Be here when I wake. Sing me to sleep - I won't fight it.
Now that I'm losing hope and there's nothing else to show for all the days we spent. Some things I'll never know and I hate to let them go. I'm sitting here, alone, feeling empty. These pills aren't working anymore, my guts are spilling out onto the floor of a nightmare you wouldn't believe; of a nightmare you could not conceive of. I'll never let this go, but I can't find the words to tell you.. I don't want to be alone. You're floating above my head, there are words carved in my chest & they said, "Could somebody show me the kind of affection that you only see in the movies, you know what I mean.." Maybe if my heart stops beating, it won't hurt this much.
Let's fall deeper into sleep & our dreams become fake reality. I wake, I hope. What do you want from me? Cos my heart can't take it anymore.
Haven't you heard that I'm the new cancer?
I'll let you get the best of me, cos there's nothing else that I do well. I got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck than any girl you'll ever meet. Sweetie, you had me. Boy, I was it. You're the text inside my book that isn't there anymore. Are you my friend? Are you real? Make out kids never had the chance. . . x/33
there's def. more i could add there but i'm exhausted and as of right now i'm getting 2.5 hrs of sleep before my psych final that i have yet to study for..
this sucks.
why do boys have this much hold over girls?
Current mood: emotionally exhausted
Current music: goo goo dolls <33