*LoU*'s Day

3:19AM - "i will honestly love you now, i will lovingly let you down"

so first comes odd closure that confuses me
then a night of hysterical crying in front of you that i wish to God i could take back because i'm embarassed to even admit that happened
finally, third time's a charm, comes the official closure.
everything i needed to hear, just the way i needed to hear it.

and when i saw you the next day i felt nothing.
and that made me feel happy.

for the past week i've been fine.
happy.
ecstatic.
and so ready to move on.

but all of a sudden, when you don't IM me back, i get weird.
when i see a pic of you with your boys, i get weird.

maybe it's just part of the process.
because i know for a fact i am completely past this and more than ready to move on.

i've been getting to this point for so long now, and i just want to stay here.
stay where i was all last week after talking to you on tuesday.

maybe it's cos i'm getting nervous about this boy.
it probably is.
i mean, it makes sense - i'm nervous things arent going to go the way they're looking at the current time and i'm yet again going to be the only lonely one, so i'm resorting back to what i know and how i know to feel and who to feel it about..
it makes perfect sense.
i just hate analyzing myself.

pray to God this all works out for me, someone please.
i don't want to be the only one praying for this.
i need other people praying for me as well.
this means a lot to me, and i need it so much.

i hate falling fast.
i'm trying not to.
but it's happening worse than it ever has before.

thank God i have my partner in crime though.
otherwise i think i might be even more frustrated with this whole situation.

i'm really really happy with the way things are working out right now.
even if some things dont go my way, i feel like i made a really amazing friend out of someone who was merely a friend-of-a-friend just the last time i saw them.
i like making new friends.
and i love being comfortable with people.
i love having people who are easy to get along with in my life.
i need more of that.

and i'm getting that.
and it's so amazing.
especially after last year.
this year is a relief in comparison.

but i need sleep
and i'm rambling.

and i need to study for psych.

so i'm going to leave it at all of this for right now.
i just havent written in a while.
ive had too many thoughts and too little comprehension of all of them lately to be able to write anything at all.

and about that book i wanted to write..
somehow i think that now that all of this is over with you,
my artistic abilities are going to curl back up inside of me.
it always seems to be at the lowest points of my life that i write and thrive best artistically.

sad.
but true.
but maybe i can change that.

let's not think negative for once Sammi Kate.

go with the flow.
don't get your hopes up.
think positive, but don't get your head stuck in the clouds either.
stay away from the negativity you tend to find magnets that attract themselves to it
and just go with the flow of life and things and everything in between and in general.

if a book is in your future, then so be it.
if a boy is in your future, then hell it's about time cos you deserve it.

dear me,
keep your head up, hope for the best, but don't rule out the worst.
don't get yourself down. and always believe your worth it.
cos deep down, you know that you know you are.
sincerely,
you.

3:24AM - give it all the time you need. let it out.

i am better.. and this is how i know it..

re-reading the entry prior to the one below this, i wrote:

"someone asked me last night if i fell in love with you...
and for the first time in my life..
the first time ever..
i admitted it.

i did.
i had.
and i do.

and it hurts so much to admit it and know you will never ever feel the same way about me.


i love you.
and i'm sorry. "

and the whole time i read it i just smiled.
and a sigh of relief ran through me.
at least i got it out.
and i didn't cry this time re-reading it.
i'm okay.
and i'm going to be.

and i have no reason to be sorry.
i fell in love with you.
i'm not sorry.
and i would say "i just wish it ended differently" and yea, part of me still feels that, so it's still partly true,
but at the same time, i don't.. because i learned from it.
i learned from you.
and part of me thinks that's why i think/said i loved you or why i do/did.

and that's fine. because not only were you a learning experience, but you're my friend.
and all i ever need in life are my friends. and people who care.
and as far as i can tell, you are both.

this feels really good.
and i feel really happy.

:-) let's keep this going.

3:49AM - the ending to the story that so prolonged itself

and finally she got the closure she so badly needed.
the words she so badly wanted (although at the same time wishing it all wasn't true) to hear.
it was over.
officially.
they were friends, they are friends, and that's all they ever will be.

he may have given her butterflies, but they were not those of the mutual kind.
she may have felt sparks, but it never meant he did too.
she felt more than he did.
but after her last cry, the shortest one she probably ever had over him, she felt nothing more than relief.

the pain and heartache of all the wondering and all the missing she had done and gone through for months now was all over.
it was all mending itself.
and slowly as the final tears dripped down her cheek and the last few followed, trickeling out of her eyes, she took a deep breath and calmed herself.

with her twin in the room, she knew she was not alone.
with her lbf down the hall, she knew she never would be alone.
and with all the others she had who she could call and know they would pick up when she needed them, she knew everything was going to be okay.

at first she thought without him she was alone.
but after a while she began to realize she is not alone.
she will never truely be alone.
friends and family outlast boys and sex and lies.
they outlive crushes and kisses and broken hearts.

and as much as you love someone,
you can never make them love you back.

if the feeling isn't there, then it wasn't meant to be.

there will be someone out there, she knows.
it just scares her to admit it, for fear that she will get her hopes up and get hurt by yet another.

but at least she got the unique sting of this relationship out of the way.
this sting she felt, this pain, this breaking of bits and pieces of her heart day-by-day because of actions that took place - it will never happen again.
as much as sometimes she wishes she could take back that part of her,
she also knows she'd rather not.

she's learned.
she's gone through a unique lesson.

and now she knows why virginity can only be lost once -

if you could get it back and lose it again, no one would ever survive the pain the second time around.

so as she steps back and looks over the whole situation,
she realizes that this wasn't as negative an experience as she, for months, considered it to be.
and unlike she felt prior to now, she regrets nothing.
she may have said she doesn't regret him but instead regrets the actions that took place or the choice that she made, but she's taking that all back.

she regrets none of it..:

"i regret none of it.
i would never take it back.
and while i am getting over this and i feel that i am practically finished getting over it,
i never want to nor will i ever be able to forget you."

the thoughts that are running through her head.

you hold a special place in her heart and she can never forget that.
nor can she replace that.
you are her friend.
you were her first love.
her first first.
her only first in that certain kind of firsts.

and no matter what she thinks now, or what she thought then, or what she thinks in the future, she will always, from here on in, be okay.

with you.
with that.
with the decisions made.
and with life itself and the things it throws at her.

if she can survive this,
she knows,
she can surivive nearly every and any thing.