"i told you, we're cool."
then why does your voice still make me want to cry?
why do i still feel so empty when i think about you?
why are all of my questions still unanswered, and why is it that i have a feeling they are going to remain that way?
this isn't how friendship is supposed to work.
i'm not supposed to be happy about a picture.
i'm not supposed to be upset about the past.
i shouldn't be looking at the past and wishing it was still like that.
i should be looking at the past, cherishing memories, and looking forward to making even more, even better ones..
but that's not how it's seemingly going to work out..
i can't sleep,
i can't function.
i'm not me.
i'm not normal -
not anymore.
i want to look forward to something else.
someone new.
something more than i had with you.
but it seems impossible.
i feel like since things were never fully given closure, that i won't be able to move on.
i won't be able to pick up the pieces and mend the parts of me that are broken and torn.
you just left me.
left with nothing, no words, no reasons, no goodbyes.
nothing.
and you expected me to be okay with that? to move on and pick up & start over as soon as you did?
i can't just do that.
you were more significant and important to me than that.
you have a part of me that i can't ever get back.
no matter how hard i wish, pray, hope, or try, i can never get that back.
it hurts knowing that i gave something so important, so valuable, up to someone who could just walk away from everything like that.
so easily.
i just want to be able to IM you and say "you should come over tonight" and know that you will, eventually, show up at my door, or walk into my room and say something cute like "honey, i'm home," to wake me up.
then you'll climb in bed with me and we'll start cuddling.
we'll talk a little.
joke around a little.
make small talk and on occassion make fun of each other..
and then one of us will say something like when you would say "shutup" and i would say "make me" and you would kiss me or i would say "i'm not talking to you!" and you would say "no?" and i'd shake my head and you would pry and then you would kiss me and say, "now are you talking to me?"
i miss when you would tell me that having me by your side was comforting the night i stayed over.
i wish when you said "we'll start fresh next semester" that you meant it.
and i wish by meant it, you didn't mean something like what happened - that you would start fresh would another girl and my fresh would be a rude awakening that fairy tale endings and good guys never really existed in the first place.
nor will they ever.
i wish i could kiss someone without thinking of you.
i wish i could look at another boy without having you cross my mind.
i wish i could go even just one full day without thinking of you even just once.
i feel like i'm stuck in the same old circle every day.
some days it feels like its getting better. others it doesn't.
some days it feels like i'm getting over it all. getting over you. until night time when i hear your voice and wish you were in my room instead of someone else's or wish you were heading to my room after visiting with people.
until i feel so alone that i just want someone to be with me, to be in bed with me, cuddling, and maybe kissing cute kisses occassionally.
and then i realize, i don't want just someone - the only someone i want that person to be is you.
i'm stuck.
i'm miserable.
i'm so torn.
and i'ts terrible.
and i don't know what to do with myself anymore.
i don't know how much more of this i can take.
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