*LoU*'s Day

12:08AM

have you ever felt just the need to cry?
you don't really know exactly why.. it's just a kind of plethora of things..
like.. one thing on top of another on top of another. nothing in particular.. just everything all at once?
i make no sense. i really don't think i do.
not to anyone other than myself at least.
and even so i'm not sure i make sense to myself.

i'm overtired.
exhausted actually.
i have to study for my spanish test.
and i'm nervous as hell.
i'm overwhelmingly stressed.

then i miss you.
and that's fucking stupid.

and i'm pissed off that the other you is being a complete dickwad right now.

and then i'm frustrated cos i'm an impatient S.O.B who wants things to happen with a certain someone right now.
i don't want to wait anymore.
but that's highly impractical.


UGH
I'M SO FUCKING FRUSTRATED AND IT'S DRIVING ME UP A WALL!!!!

i need to calm the fuck down
chill the hell out
and deal with everything one at a time.

right now i should be focusing on my spanish test.
am i?
no.

i'm focusing in on 2 boy problems and 1 impatient issue having to do with a boy that i just want things to happen with/work out with and that's that.

wishful thinking?
i keep hoping it's not.
i keep praying to God that things go right with this boy.
for once in my life, just let things go right with a boy.
especially this boy.
idk why i'm so attracted to him.
i just am.
he's really sweet and insanely good looking.

i also have this old old crush on this one kidd who i keep seeing around *everywhere* lately and it's driving me nuts.
but i think that's just going to be the kid that i always wanted but could never have.
there's always one of those in every girls' story.
always.

..i think..?

anyway i'm going fucking insane and off topic and i really need to study.

"just know that i miss you"
that doesn't go to the person who thinks it's to him.
it goes to the person who i drunkenly said it to.
not the one who started a bullshit fight with me.

to the boy who started a bullshit fight with me b/c i told him how i felt:
fuck you.

if that's all our friendship was, was just a burden and a battle you couldn't win, then i'm over it.

i don't need the hurt.

i'm better than this.
i'm better than that.
i'm better than all the crap i've had to endure from all of you that are now a part of my past.

i'm moving on.
i'm picking up the pieces.
i'm rebuilding my heart.
and i'm hoping someone new will respect it the way none of you ever did.


and i know i deserve the respect this time.
so hopefully it'll all turn out better than before.