*LoU*'s Day

3:39AM - unexpected abrupt changes that break the heart and sting the eyes. run the makeup and call upon a need for a disguise. it's called a smile. and it's fake.

it's the worst feeling in the world.

or at least one of them.

knowing that youre the only one, yet again, who is completely alone in the world.
while everyone around you is talking about "so-and-so is into me" or "so-and-so and i are going out" or their bf or gf and how amazing their relationships are, youre sitting there trying to find the one person who understands. just one single soul in the world who could possibly make you feel better.
but there's no one.
no one in the world could possibly understand how alone and how depressed you are.

i'm not writing this for attention.
keep in mind this is MY journal - you just chose to read it.

i'm writing this for my own sake.
to get how i feel out.
so go on and say what you want about me wanting attention or being a debbie-downer, or being "emo" or any of that other shit you want.
it just proves you either don't understand or are too uncomfortable to deal with the fact that people feel like this.
that some people feel so alone in the world that all they want to do sometimes is cry.

i don't want to be like this.
i don't ask for it.
but it's so hard to watch everyone around you, your whole entire life, pair off, couple up, and leave you behind while they go off with their new best friend, a.k.a their boyfriend or girlfriend.
i can't begin to tell you how many times i have been the single friend.
wait.. hold on.. every time.
yepp, that's right ladies and gentlemen, your beautiful, sweet, caring, loving, darling, dear, sweet sammi kate has never had a real relationship.

i'm going on 19 with the experience of a 15 year old.
and i only say 15 cos i'm not as innocent as some people who havent ever had a relationship.

i fucked up and gave myself away to someone who barely cared.
someone who made it so easy for himself to run out of my life the second he got bored.
it was stupid.
do i regret my actions? yes.
do i regret him? not so much.
but i will admit i miss him.
and he knows it now after my drunken friday night confession.

man was i embarassed.

[[i stopped writing here because i got an IM... and now i'm at a loss.
i just potentially lost a person who i never expected to lose ever.
he always came back into my life after a while.
this time he came back and he put all the blame on me and i guess in a sense i, in return, pushed him away.
in another sense he completely gave up on me.
i can't deal with people i care about just leaving me.
he flat out said it's not worth being friends with me because he can never win.
he said goodbye and no matter what i said after that, he ignored it and eventually, i guess, after i began to ball my eyes out and ran to my lbf's room, signed off.
but never once said anything more to me.

what do i do now?
i didn't want to lose you.
i don't want to lose you.
but is this all i'm ever going to know from a guy? that as soon as things seem like theyre going to get good again, they all crumble, fall, and break apart?
or he just up and leaves, runs off, and never gives me any closure or any sort of proper goodbye/ending?
my dad does it all the time.
my relationship with him builds up, we become a father/daughter duo. unstoppable. we have fun. we laugh. he takes me to baseball games and to dinner. we joke. i see where i get my sense of humor from. he helps me out when i need it.
and then BAM he pulls so much shit on me and leaves.
out of absolutely no where.
you just did the same thing.
and you know all about my father and the things he does.

of all people i never would have expected you to follow the same path.

so you know what? those talks that we had?
all of them? yea. they meant something.
they meant a lot.
to me.
apparently nothing meant nearly as much to you.
and that hurts so much. more than you apparently care to stick around to know.

i trusted you. i opened up to you. i told you things i rarely tell anyone else.
and i told you them just as quickly as i would have told any one of my girls.
you were my best guy friend. i could rely on you for any and everything.
or so i thought.

you've changed.
and i hate it.

i miss you.
and i can't stand it.

this hurts.
and i don't want to feel like this anymore.]]

4:32AM - "Our Generation has had no Great war, no Great Depression. Our war is spiritual. Our depression is our lives." ~ Chuck Palahniuk ~

"What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction."
~Chuck Palahniuk

If death meant just leaving the stage long enough to change costume and come back as a new character...Would you slow down? Or speed up?
~Chuck Palahniuk

"Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning." -unknown-

"promise me you wont ever forget us, and everything we tried to be. don't forget the laughter and the nights when we both just needed to be held. dont forget how you felt when you said you loved me, and dont forget looking into my eyes because i knew you meant it. dont forget that i'll always love you, even if i don't need you the way i used to. if i thought that you would ever forget it all, i would never leave."
-unknown-

"The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open."
~Chuck Palahniuk

"So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they're chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning."
~Morrie Schwartz

"There is not one big cosmic meaning for all, there is only the meaning we each give to our life, an individual meaning, an individual plot, like an individual novel, a book for each person."
~Anais Nin

"We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens."
~Chuck Palahniuk

"Every man's life ends the same way. It is only the details of how he lived and how he died that distinguish one man from another."
~Ernest Hemingway

"Silence is better than unmeaning words."
~Pythagoras

"I've met God across his long walnut desk with his diplomas hanging on the wall behind him, and God asks me, "Why?" Why did I cause so much pain? Didn't I realize that each of us is a sacred, unique snowflake of special unique specialness? Can't I see how we're all manifestations of love? I look at God behind his desk, taking notes on a pad, but God's got this all wrong. We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens. And God says, "No, that's not right." Yeah. Well. Whatever. You can't teach God anything."
~Chuck Palahniuk

"I miss the meaning of my own part in the play of life beacuse I know not the parts that others play."
~Rabindranath Tagore

"Just remember, the same as a spectacular Vogue magazine, remember that no matter how close you follow the jumps: Continued on page whatever. No matter how careful you are, there's going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn't experience it all. There's that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should've been paying attention. Well, get used to that feeling. That's how your whole life will feel some day. This is all practice. None of this matters. We're just warming up."
~Chuck Palahniuk
((my LBF read this to me tonight when I went to her balling my eyes out.. and I loved it. and I love her.))

"Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend - or a meaningful day."
~Dalai Lama

"I thought we were a real love relationship. I did. I was very invested in love, but it was just this long long sex thing that could end at any moment because after all, it's just about getting off. Almost all the time, you tell yourself you're loving somebody when you're just using them. This only looks like love."
~Chuck Palahniuk

"Sometimes you're flush and sometimes you're bust, and when you're up, it's never as good as it seems, and when you're down, you never think you're gonna be up again. But life goes on. Remember that."
-Blow-
((my LBF also read me that one tonight.. I loved it as well.))

"Reality means you live until you die. The real truth is nobody wants reality."
~Chuck Palahniuk