*LoU*'s Day

10:57PM - i wasn't made for so much pain

i miss when you were the good kind of distraction.
not the distraction that keeps me thinking and gets me so worked up that i can barely study.
i can't deal with you being that distraction.
i wish things would just go back to the way they were last year.
when, while working on my theatre midterm/final, you called me up and asked to come over, i told you i was working on a project, but you didnt care, you said you wouldnt be long, you just wanted to see me.
you took me by the hand and lead me to the front of the lobby and said "i've been wanting to do this for a while now..." i knew you were going to kiss me, but i played dumb.
someone knocked on the back lobby door.. maybe that's why i hate when people forget their swipe cards.. it ruins moments i guess..
so on the way up the stairs you stood behind me and held my hands as we walked up to my floor..
while everyone walked into the hallway from the stairwell, you held me back, pressed me against the wall, and kissed me.
it was the most amazing kiss i had ever gotten from anyone... ever.
and the taste of whatever fruity alcoholic beverage it was that you had consumed that night lingered on my lips long after the kissing ceased and we retreated to the lobby where everyone else sat working on things and talking.

i miss that.
i miss the sparks.

after a little while we walked into the hallway and into the lobby of my floor where my project was hopelessly laying on the carpeted floor with magazines, gluesticks, markers, paper scraps, all strewn about in a pathetic attempt to come together in some sort of collage.
you wanted 5 more minutes.
it turned into 10.
probably 20.
and all we did was kiss.
in the hallway
in the stairwell
i didn't want you to leave, and i knew you didn't want to etiher.

i convinced you i had to get my project done and so it ended.
but the taste of alcohol that i hadn't even consumed lingered with me.
the fruity smell of your breath stayed in my nose..
it didn't sting like the memory of it all does now.

i miss the times when you wanted to and made a point to see me before we left for breaks.
i didn't want to do anything more than kiss, and you were okay with that.
i wish i hadn't done anything more.
i feel like my decisions ruined what we had.
if we hadn't gone so far, would things still be ok?

if they would be, i'm not so sure i want to know.
but even so, what can i do about it now?
nothing.
one of us, or both of us, screwed up.
i'm not sure who, but something screwed us up.


and i hate the fact that i hear your name and my stomach drops.
that i hear your voice and my throat gets so choked up.
i hate that i can't hate you.
and i hate that this hurts so much.

please stop doing this to me.

please just talk this out with me...