3:01AM - if i just lay here would you lie with me and just forget the world?
i want to go back to school.
i miss all my friends.
i miss a certain boy.
that part sucks.
i honestly shouldn't even be thinking about him anymore.
but how can i not? if i didn't i'd just feel gross and disrespectable.
i guess i'm being normal.
but this kind of normal just sucks.
i'm getting so nervous about my living arrangements for next semester.
for a number of reasons.
one of which only my WSW knows about cos she feels the same way about the situation as i do..
and another of which anyone who knows me can only guess what it is.. it's that obvious.
then the other because i'm scared of a person who i think might be living there.. petrified in fact.. and i'm now wishing i had done something about that situation when it first happened.. but it was so early in the year.. i didn't want to make any enemies..
especially since the person is friends with a person who means a lot to me who i didn't want to lose.
i still don't want to lose that person.
so i guess i'll just never say anything and hope it doesn't happen to anyone else.. even though i'm afraid it may have already.
the only good things about the dorm i'm going to be in are as follows:
-WSW
-my "husband" (lol)
-potentially shorter walk if all goes well in the department of which certain kinds of walks need more than anything to remain in the same building to make them less obvious..
but that last thing is what scares me most about this coming year...
i don't know what to do about that whole situation.
i don't want to lose a good friend.
but i also don't want to lose anything else with that good friend either.
but i know one of the two is going to happen.
even though last semester i was reassured that "we've been tight since what, the second week of school? that's not going to change."
and then the next night "nothing's going to change between us. even if you decide to stop this."
i should take his word.
i mean.. he's never really given me, personally, reason not to trust him.. so why not right?
but at the same time i'm scared that the second i put my trust in him, it's all going to blow up and backfire in my face.
i miss him.
not going to lie.
but i know, in all honesty, he prolly hasn't had a thought of me cross his mind since we last spoke..
and that's what hurts the most at this point..
knowing i'm thinking of someone close to everyday who is thinking of me close to never.
i'm reading through my old LJ entries from when i turned my journal to private late last semester cos i just needed somewhere to place all my thoughts and all the events that went on at all the end-of-the-year parties and what not with him and other people and i still can't piece it altogether.
somehow i managed to make this situation more complex than need be.
but then again.. his actions and words at those times didn't help any at all.
Current mood: 
confused
Current music: the first cut is the deepest // sheryl crow
5:15PM - If I wanted loneliness I'd choose to go.
Q: NAME A FRIEND WHO'S NAME STARTS WITH AN "A"
A: Allison
Q: 4TH PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALLS:
A: Becky
Q: DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?
A: yeeaaa...
Q: DO YOU HAVE CURLY HAIR?
A: VERY
Q: WHAT IS THE NEXT CONCERT YOURE GOING TO?
A: dunno. dont have money to go to concerts :( i was invited to ozzfest and warped and i want to go to both but idk :-\
Q: WHO IS THE COOLEST PERSON IN YOUR LIFE?
A: your mom.
Q: WHAT WORD DO YOU SAY A LOT?
A: uhmmm.. idk. probably "shit son!" haha, long story.
Q: WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU ATE:
A: honey nut cheerios
Q: WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU SAID TO SOMEONE AND WHO WAS IT?
A: something to my mom when she told me she was going to sleep while i was working out just a lil while ago.
Q: DO YOU WATCH TV?
A: not usually. unless OTH is on.
Q: HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE DONNIE DARKO?
A: yes and i love it.
Q: DO YOU HAVE WORK TOMORROW?
A: probably
Q: EVER BEEN HUNTING?
A: No and I never ever ever ever will. i think its wrong.
Q: IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?
A: i hope so :-\
Q: WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, "I LOVE YOU" AND MEANT IT?
A: never aside from family or to my biffs.
Q: WHAT SHOULD YOU BE DOING RIGHT NOW?:
A: something productive.
Q: DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?
A: Tonka, Lou, Sam, Sammi, T, Double D//22... haha DONT ask. and no the last one has NOTHING to do with my boobs.
Q: DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT?
A: first ask me if i even believe in love.
Q: WHO'S THE YOUNGEST ONE IN THE FAMILY ?
A: alexanne
Q: IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?
A: uhmm.. haha.. if you so please?
Q: ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER?
A: hell yes.
Q: DO YOU CLEAN UP NICE?
A: uh.. what?
Q: LAST TIME YOU USED A SKATEBOARD?
A: when i was like 8 and i fell cos my big feet dont fit with my lack of coordination.
Q: WHERE AND WHEN WAS THE LAST PLACE YOU SLEPT BESIDES YOUR HOUSE?
A: uhmm.. shit.. KT's probably i think.
Q: EVER RUN OUT OF GAS ON THE ROAD?
A: not yet, knock on wood.
Q: BEST MOVIE YOU'VE SEEN IN THE PAST TWO WEEKS?
A: havent seen one in the past 2 weeks
Q: DO YOU THINK PEOPLE WHO COME UP WITH BRAIN DEAD QUIZZES ARE CRYING FOR HELP IN SOME TWISTED WAY?
A: never put that much thought into it.
Best
1. Male friend: i don't know anymore.. :-\
2. Female: kendra, my LLT, and my SLUTS
3. Vacation: key largo when i got my scuba license :-)
Favorite
1. Day: idk
2. Food: stroganoff
3. Memory: idk.. :-\
Last
1. Person you saw: my mommy :-)
2. Talked to on the phone: shmanda, last night.
3. Hugged: uhmm manda when i dropped her off last night
4. Text: ashley
5. Messaged over myspace: no idea
Today
1. Is: Wednesday, July 5th
2. Got any plans: nope.
3. Would like to accomplish?: applying for another job.. AGAIN, cos i still havent gotten a second one..
4. Dislikes about tomorrow: uhmm that uhh.. idk? how can you not like something that hasn't happened yet?
Favorite
1. Number: 4
2. Song: uhmm at the current moment? uhmm.. either "chasing cars" by snow patrol, or "portrait" by matchbook romance
3. Color: pink/baby blue
4. Season: fall/spring
Currently
1. Missing someone: a lot :-\
2. Mood: uhmm.. idk
True or False
I am a morning person: FALSE times a million.
I am a perfectionist in some things. true
I am an only child: false.. sorta..
I am currently in my pajamas: false
I am very shy around the opposite gender sometimes: true true true
I can be paranoid at times: True
I currently regret something that I have done: idk..?
When I get mad I curse frequently: VERY true lol
I enjoy texting on the phone: depends
I have a lot to learn: you learn until you die.
I have a secret: dont we all?
Current mood: 
bored
Current music: just hold me // maria mena