2:56AM - guilt & shame with a hint of self-loathing and a dash of insanity. . . those are the ingredients to make the current version of a sam.
sometimes i feel like im treading on someone else's territory.
i don't mean to. and i don't want to feel this way.
but i do.
sometimes i feel like the only reason im in the picture is because of what happened and it makes me feel horrible.
and i can't even talk to anyone about it either.
i don't want anyone mad at me. i don't want anyone offended. and i definitely don't want anyone taking anything the wrong way.
i have never felt like this in my life.
and all i can do is sit here and cry.
i feel like a horrible person and a horrible friend.
i want to say it had no effect on me cos i feel stupid for saying it did.. but the truth is it had a huge effect on me and i never ever EVER talked to anyone about it.
ever.
and i feel like a horrible person for letting it effect me because it wasn't even like.. idk.. it was an immediate part of my life.
everything was a part of my past until that moment.
i had lost touch with everything until that moment.
and now i'm feeling more horrible for it than ever.
and i can't even say i don't know why - cos i know exactly why.
because i feel stupid for letting something like that effect me when i know it's effected other people 10 times worse.
but the truth is, i don't deal well with these kinds of things.
and this one was probably one of, if not THE, worst of all of them.
(aside from one thing)
and now where i am i just feel horrible.. like maybe.. idk.. things could be different..
but then if they were.. would i be where i am now? i'm happy for the most part..
aside from this..
i hate how things hit me in such a delayed fashion.
when everything happened the first time around, it hit me.
hard.
but now it's coming around again and hitting me another time.
i never expected this.
and it's harder than when it first occurred.
i don't know what to do.
i just want to cry and never stop.
maybe then i might feel okay.
but still, even while i allow myself to let it out, i feel dumb.
i feel like it's not my place.
and i feel like i'm being disrespectful or something.
like i shouldn't feel anything.
i don't get this.
and i never wanted to go through something like this.
i just wish i had someone i could talk to about it.
and i don't think i ever will.
depressed