2:03PM - i know this is long but bare with me.. it's important if you care.. idk what i'm doing anymore..
i'm at this point in my life where i'm just confused about everything.
life, boys, school vs. home, friends, family, ...everything...
i was watching this show about this 15 yr old girl whose like becoming famous or some bullshit like that and i was thinking to myself.. how many times could that have been me?
how many times did i have a chance to do something with my life but wasn't allowed?
why is it that when you're younger, you're parents are allowed to hold you back from things you so badly want?
all i've ever wanted, for nearly my whole entire life was to be a singer.
to have my songs put out there. to have my own cd. to go on tour.
to be on stage singing my heart out because that's the only place i've ever really felt at home.
i could have been a model when i was a baby.. which would have opened up all the doors for me that i needed open today.
it never went through. i was signed (or w/e it's called in the modeling world) and everything until my mom realized my calls would be in the city.. NYC.. the place my mom hates the most.
so that fell through.
ironically NYC is my most favorite place in the world.
and it sucks cos i haven't been there since Christmas time.
i'm dying without it, but i have no one to go there with anymore..
leading me to friends..
i've changed over this past year..
A LOT.
but so have all the friends i had in high school.
everyone is different, and i'm no exception to that.
it's called college.
it's called life.
i don't mind the changes i've made to myself.
although i do miss the old me sometimes.
but i've always loved dressing up and being girly..
now i just have the confidence to do it instead of hiding behind tees and jeans all the time.
but i feel like because of how i've changed, none of my friends from SJ that i was really really close with want anything to do with me.
i feel like they don't like me anymore because i listen to all different kinds of music instead of just the usual rock/emo/punk, etc.
i feel like they don't accept me anymore cos my personality is a little altered.. not to the point where i'm not the same person, but to the point where i'm a more... outspoken version of myself.. more random.. a little more out there..
but i met 2 new friends up at school who i consider my best who are the equivalent to my crazy antics and keep up with me and vice versa...
so what more can you expect of me?
i've also found friends here who i feel accept me for who i am unconditionally.
i don't need to fill my life with people who make me feel insecure because i've grown up a little and become a fuller me.
i also don't need friends who make me feel awkward for crying in front of them.
i need friends who will be there for me and let me stay a little while, until i'm okay enough to drive home.
not someone whose going to make me feel worse for being upset and make me feel so unwelcome that i don't care if i'm not okay, i just want to get the hell out.
but then again, none of the people i've lost touch with have exerted anymore effort than i have to get in touch with me or hang out with me.. so fuck it i guess.
i hope you all have nice lives and marry the best. how's that sound.
let me know in 15 years if losing this friendship was worth it, sound good?
fuck you.
lastly.. there's the home vs. school issue. i miss school so much. i miss my LLT and my WSW more than anyone could possibly begin to imagine.
so much to the fact that when i was upset last night over someone else from school and kendra called me, after i hung up i just bawled my eyes out cos i missed her so much and needed her so badly. i'm getting teary eyed now just thinking about it.. and i just want to cry my eyes out. and then i got a txt from my LLT this morning saying "Just fyi i love you like woah" and i wanted to cry again. i miss allison and kendra so much. i miss my roomie who could make me laugh no matter how bummed i was.
but then i have the most amazing friends here.. my "S.L.U.T" Crew.. they make me feel like i've always been a part of their group even though we didn't go to hs together. i feel like i've known them forever (and with mandarin, i have.. since i was 4. and shmanda since i was in 4th or 5th grade.. but we lost touch.. and most of the time it feels like we never did.) and i don't want to leave them, but i want to go back to school so badly.
i just wish there was a middle ground...
and if there is, i can't ever seem to find it...
i'm so lost and i feel like by saying i want to go back to school i'm going to make my biffs here feel horrible.. but then by saying i want to stay here, i get depressed cos i'd be lost without LMC and my biffs there. and i am sometimes.
i can't believe it's been almost 2 months since school ended and i haven't seen my LLT or Kendra yet.
i need a car so desperately so i can drive anywhere i want to go visit them, because i'm honestly dying without them. never have i met 2 people like them.. and never will they ever be replaceable..
but never have i had 3 friends like manda, kt and shmanda either.
and i miss my sj friends but i feel like it's part of my past now. like none of it is reparable or salvageable.
idk.. i really don't.. i'm so confused because i feel like everything is okay but i know it's not. i feel like either place i am i have something to come home to.. at either home.. cuse or ct.. but at the same time.. so many things are tattered and torn and broken apart..
and i don't know how to or whether or not to fix them.
and to think..
this entry started cos i felt i shouldn't be sitting here looking for jobs.. i shouldn't be broke.. i should be famous and wealthy with no problems with money and a car at all and yet i have them and i can't figure out why me?
funny how things turn around and i always find my underlying depressed self rambling on about other things.
i'm really just not right inside anymore.
confused