*LoU*'s Day

12:09AM - and the saga continues (see the entry from 5.16.06 to further understand the story)

she realizes now that she said the wrong things at the wrong times.
when he asked why she was apprehensive about going further with him, instead of saying she "didnt want to get attached," she should have told him it was because she liked him too much already as it was.

it was the truth - and had been for a long time.

but now not only is she more attached than she already was, but her feelings are stronger and her mind more flooded with thoughts and wishes all pertaining to him.

never in her life did she ever wish to feel like this.

never in her life could she imagine anyone ever wishing to and whoever did, she thought they were completely insane.

her self-worth has dropped.
she feels she's worth less to a guy than she would be if she had waited like she planned.
but he has her.
all of her.

and there's nothing she can do about it.

as always her female mind churns and makes excuses with every absence of a call, every non-existant IM, and every day that goes by where she hears nothing from him in any way shape or form.
he's busy.
he's home with his friends and wants time with them.
hey, she's home and spending time with her friends.
but deep down she knows she'd drop everything for him in a heartbeat if only he asked.

she wonders if he knows that too.

the worst part of her constant train of thought and its tendency to have a seemingly magnetic force in his direction is that she knows, more than likely, he is not thinking of her.

"how many sexually innocent girls has he done this to?" she wonders.

he knows he was her first.

so now when her train of thought finds itself connecting onto the track toward him, she begins to beat herself up, continually telling herself "he's not thinking of me, so why do i care?" or "why does he have so much of a hold over me?" and "why do i feel so strongly about him when he'll never feel this way about me?"

"He was never mine to lose.
Why regret what cannot be?
These are words he'll never say.
Not to me.
Not to me.
Not for me. . .

He will never feel this way."
~Eponine, Les Miserables, Act I, "A Heart Full of Love"

so why did she do it? she asks herself. why did she agree? it'd be so much easier to move on and forget him if they hadn't gone so far.

covering the bases would have been fine, but leaving them for home plate left her only one option - to return to the dug out and wait for her next at bat.

the at-bat she is sure as anything will never come.

all her life she had been waiting for that moment - the moment she thought would be special and meaningful for not only her but her partner as well. not with someone who just wanted to get something that had started off as a something he thought he could not have.
she had promised it would be special and with the right person.
she keeps telling herself "he meant so much to me for so long, and still does, so it was the right person..." but that statement is always followed up by a one-word in the form of an insecure question: ". . .right?" to which the answer is almost always simple statment of, "but he doesn't feel the same way. you're nothing more than the big challenge which he so cunningly managed to conquer."

then she thinks "but if i didn't do it now, with him, i never would have with anyone. i would end up being a real-life 40-year-old virgin if i didn't do anything with him."

and while the thought of being alone has always taunted her and has always been the scariest one for her, she finds it worse to think of herself alone for the rest of her life AND a virgin.

so which is worse? regretting doing it with someone she liked so much but who had seemingly no mutual feelings, or sometimes seemingly feelings in general, at all other than lust toward her, or living a lonely life and regretting never taking the opportunity to give something so special to someone that was special to her regardless of how he felt toward her?

these things are the things that make the world so harsh and difficult for her - the regrets, the what-ifs, the hurt, the heartbreak, and the thinking that comes with all of the aforementioned.

sometimes she wishes there was a remote control to life.
or a time machine that wasn't just some amusement park ride.
so this wayy she could go back and change things to see how they'd turn out if she had decided or acted differently. and if she liked one result better than the other, she could then choose that one to stay in and make the truth, make her life, make her history.

he told her things would not change between them even if she chose to stop.
what he never told her was - how much things would change when he realized she was attached.