*LoU*'s Day

1:15PM - im so fucked up

so i've been really sentimental lately..
it's getting really annoying..

i'm feeling bad about everything...

especially eating.. :-\
i don't think that's healthy..
but i know i need to lose weight for the summer..
i feel so gross and fat.

actually.. to be honest.. i feel repulsive.

all i want this summer is to get the attention i deserve, but i don't see that happening if i'm this disgusting.. and this disgusted by myself.

i've tried nearly everything this past year.. from dieting, to calorie counting, to only eating salad, to eating nearly nothing (maybe i should start my meds back up again.. even tho i hate taking them, i liked not eating a lot), to diet pills.

but dieting just makes me crave and binge more after, calorie counting is too meticulous, salad got boring cos the salads at school were nasty, i dont like taking my meds so my appetite came back, and diet pills made my heart race and my chest constrict.. thank you asthma.

i tried setting a work out plan for myself - yoga and pilates, but no one at school would do it with me and i wasnt going to go out in the lobby by myself and do it - i'd look retarded.

and now that i'm home my downstairs is cluttered with things cos my house flooded and my mom never put it back together.

i can't wait til my grandparents open their pool.
then again i guess it doesnt fucking matter if they do cos i won't have a car to get there with.
thanks asshole father of mine. you're worthless.

working at a concession stand where i get free food doesn't help my case at all.
it makes me feel so guilty that i've honestly been tempted to make myself puke sometimes. i just feel so gross. all we have is fried food or ice cream.
so i've been drinking at least 3 water bottles per shift to fill myself up so i dont eat as much. it's worked a little. i think i may have to up it to 5 though.
i just hate how much water makes you have to pee.
totally inconvenient for later that night when i go out with friends or party up.

but whatever works.. right?

i've also been really sentimental about being so alone.
i hate it.

i'm sick and tired of being that single girl. the one whose friends have so many options or are fine being single cos theyve had their share of relationships.

me? i'm a failure in that department.

i feel so ugly and fat and repulsive cos no guy ever EVER likes me like that.
i'm the friend.
i'm the sister.
i'm one of the guys.

but i am NEVER the girl.
ever.

just writing about it right now makes me want to cry.

and then to top it all off i think about what i did this past semester..
and i feel even more stupid. even dumber than i already do for being so alone.

what the fuck is wrong with me that no guy is attracted to me?
honestly, i just want to know.

i know no one reads this, or no guy reads this at least..
but if by chance, hell freezes over, and a guy really does read this..

please tell me why... i *NEED* to know.

i can't deal with this anymore. i really can't.
i'm so sick and tired of hearing about everyone else's relationship problems - AT LEAST YOU FUCKING HAVE SOMEONE OKAY!??! SO FUCK OFF!!

I HAVE NO ONE AND NEVER HAVE HAD ANYONE.

at least not for more than 2 weeks.
and even then, don't get me started.
one of those 2 times i had someone i think i was cheated on.
the other of those 2 times, i KNOW i was.

i'm just so sick of this.
more than anyone could possibly know.

why is it that i'm the only one of my friends who has never been able to obtain, nevermind actually keep, a real relationship?

and my asshole stepmother didn't make me feel ANY better today.

we went to the house of this family that my dad and i used to live next door to when i was little and i was BEST FRIENDS with joey, their son whose my age, and the mom, Kim, asked me if i had a boyfriend, and i said no, and she said, you just dont want one? i said no, i want one, i just can never get one. and my asshole stepmom goes "cos she goes for the gay theatre boys" yea, okay fuckface, dont say shit til you fucking actually know me you god damn son of a fucking bitch. so to that i said "no i've had 2 bfs, but they've only lasted 2 weeks each." and michelle, my cuntface stepmother goes "you count that?!"

WOWWWWWW
FUCK YOU.

i hate her so fucking much.
as if i'm not depressed enough already, i don't need her skank whore ass to fucking make fun of me for all this shit.

i fucking hate her.
i hope she fucking rots in hell.

i'm so sick of the verbal abuse i've had to endure from her for ELEVEN fucking years.

and people wonder why i have nothing to do with my father?
maybe it's cos he never sticks up for me and just laughs at me and makes me feel even shittier when she makes fun of me cos my own father, my biological "parent" if you can even call him that, doesn't even say "leave her alone."

( tangent )



finally i'd just like to say, to all of you fuckers who have been bothering me since i got home with all this bullshit gossip that's way left over from high school

I'M WAY PAST HS AND I AM FAR FROM OVER IT.
LEAVE YOUR PETTY DRAMA BULLSHIT FOR SOMEONE ELSE, COS I'M NOT INTO IT.
GROW THE HELL UP AND GET THE FUCK OVER IT. WE'RE IN COLLEGE NOW IN CASE YOU FORGOT.

k well that's all for now.

i'm kinda apprehensive a/b posting this cos for some reason ppl seem to read this thing when i think no one is, but i hope that doesn't happen this time.. and if it does.. well.. we'll just see then..

but i still want a reply about why guys dont like me.. even though i'm sure it's obvious as to why now that i've flipped out completely in this entry..
maybe i'll put my history on an LJ cut and if anyone actually WANTS to know why i'm so fucked up.. then they can read it.

yea.. i think i'll do that..

so anyway.. ANSWER MY QUESTION IF YOURE A GUY WHO KNOWS ME EVEN THE LITTLEST BIT AND YOURE READING THIS K?? Thanks.