12:08AM - time weighs heavy on my mind
when i was little, i used to think the show 60 minutes was 60 seconds.. therefore i always thought it was a minute long.. my grandparents would always watch it when they were falling asleep, and when i slept over, i would watch it with them. i'd see the clock they have in the background ticking away as they announced the stories of the night and who would be covering them, but i could never understand how they could fit so many things into one short minute.. i always thought, maybe it's like those short things between shows on disney or nikelodeon where they do one thing during one minute, and then the next break, they do another.. so it's all one minute shows..
of course.. now i know none of that is the case.. it's 60 minutes.. an hour.. and that's how they fit so many reports into one show.
but now i'm grappling with another time-concept sort of issue.
it's called a day.
it's called a week.
it's called a month.
it's called a school year.
it's called summer break.
...it's called life.
everyone always talks about how "short a time" we have here.. how we have to "make the best of it while we can." but how do we know how much time there really is? i could be having the worst day of my life, go to sleep that night, and never wake up. how is that making the best of it? or i could be living in oblivion.. or in denial.. thinking everything is perfect.. walking around with the best friends and boyfriend in the world, ignoring the fact that i could possibly be sick with something because i don't want to admit it and then one day, i'm looking down on my funeral and no one's there because i was lying to myself, not admitting that the people i surrounded myself with really didn't care.. they were just as lonely as i was and wanted someone to cling to until the next best thing came around..
depressing.. but what if?
i know what if's are bad, and to be honest i hate them more than anything.. but i can't stop thinking about spurts of time.
what's going to happen in these next few weeks as things wrap up? am i going to get to close to certain people? am i going to drift from others?
what's going to happen over the summer? am i going to keep in touch with the people i surround myself with? what if they don't keep in touch with me? what if they want nothing to do with me after this semester ends?
what if they don't come back after the summer ends?
trying to deal with things day-by-day, but the days never seem to be long enough for me to do everything i need to do. then again.. at the same time.. they used to just drag on.. until now and everything is going so fast and speeding up and i hate it. i don't want these last few weeks to go by fast.
i don't even have a month left to worry about. two weeks and a few days.. that's all.
and the time seems so incredibly short.
two weeks was always so long..
until now.
two weeks and my freshman year of college is over. done with. finished. no more.
part of my past...
and i don't want it to be.
ever since i came back from my week off, le moyne has become like a home to me..
i don't know what i'm going to do being away from here, away from everyone, for 3 months...
in my profile on aim, i've had a count down until summer.
i put it in there a few days before spring break, along with a countdown to easter..
i hated putting the number 1 in for easter. i hated deleting it even more.
now i have 15 days til summer. fifteen short spurts of 24 hours, and that's not enough for me.
i can't wait to erase the countdown until i get back here for OC.
i never thought i'd say it.. but i don't know what i'm going to do without this place. without these people. my extended family.
just a month or two ago i was dead set on transferring..
tonight i'm sitting here watching everything come to an end and wishing i could just take it all back. go back and take things for what they were. not take them for granted. make time go slower.
because to be honest.. as much as i can't wait to see my friends back home.. i'm dreading being away from the ones i have here.
i know i can always go home to my CT friends. they'll always be there for me.. but here, i'm not so indefinitely established..
i'm just settling down. just finding myself again. and just getting comfortable in my own skin, in my new home.. and in a short amount of time, none of that will matter anymore because i'm going to be ripped away from it and deprived of everything i have here for 3 months. and then, when i come back, i don't even know how it's going to be.
will we all still be friends? even though i'm in a different building, across the street, on a different part of campus? will i get sucked back into being who i was before? a person who was happy but not herself? will certain people make the dorm feel awkward and less than homey?
i can't stop worrying.. and the fact that these things are so far away.. that i'm going to have to wait such a long time to find out.. that i'm going to be anywhere between 3-5 hours away from every single person i've come to care about.. none of those things are making the situation feel any better.
i just need to know that i won't be alone next year. i won't be abandoned. i won't be forgotten over the summer. and that when i come back.. you'll [all] still be here for me.
because i'm always here for you.
distressed