*LoU*'s Day

4:01AM - a title would just make the following words seem meaningless to me.

there have been so many numerous times where i find myself missing SJ. it comes on wicked randomly, but it's always strong as it was the last time. i know i waited four, what seemed to be long, years to get the hell out of there.. but i find myself missing it on so many occassions that i sometimes think maybe i just rushed myself out of there. maybe i didn't take what i had for what it was. maybe i didn't realize how good i really did have it. sure, i didn't exactly fit in, but then again who ever does? i had my friends and i knew who i was. not saying anything is different.. i have my friends.. i know who i am now.. as opposed to who i was when i came here.. because i'm not going to lie.. i've changed a whole hell of a lot.. but i like it and i don't want to change back. i guess what i miss, when looking at the whole of it, is just knowing that every day i was going to go into school, see the same old boring hallways, the same old boring small school, the same old teachers who made my life, at that time, what i thought was the most stressful it could ever be (and might i just say damn was i proven wrong.. i'm dying here at lmc with all the damn work i have.. but moving back on topic..), the same old people who sometimes made me absolutely miserable, but overall became family to me over the four short years i was there.
it's stupid but i get all of this from solely looking at something like facebook. or finding my Amaranth from senior year. the little things that remind me of what was and what i had. i feel like back then, i had so much more going for me than i do now. it's almost as though i'm lost in a sense that i never have been before - a sense that i have no idea where my life is going, but at the same time i'm completely aware of what i'm doing and almost completely aware of who i am.
it's the weirdest feeling, i must say.. missing something that's been gone for a year. something a year ago i was counting the days til prom, the last day of classes, and finally the big day - graduation. and now, looking at it from the outside, watching my friends who are seniors now get ready to go to prom and leave sjhs as students for the last time.. i'm beginning to see what i never saw before - that i took a, although close in distance, home away from home and tossed it to the side waiting for the moment when i could finally get far away - not 15 minutes, but 5 hours away.. and i miss it. looking at it from the perspective where every one now has completely different lives and many of us have no idea what's going on in one another's lives anymore because we're not at this small, comfort zone of a school where almost everyone knew everything about nearly everyone else, it's weird to think that four years of my life was spent at this one place and i never really took advantage of what was right there.
i swear.. i really hope i don't come out of le moyne feeling these things.. i want to come out of here knowing that the people i care about are still here. that the people i was close to are still as near as they possibly can be despite the hours and miles between us...

"i want to hang on to something that won't break away or fall apart . . . " - Something Corporate, "Globes and Maps"

all i want is to come out of a place knowing that i did everything i possibly could to make the most of it.

four years.. that's all i had then.. and it's all i have now.
but from now on.. i want to make a difference not only in the lives of every one i meet like i wanted to in hs, but in my own life as well.
maybe then i won't come out feeling like i'm missing so much.
maybe then i won't constantly think about the past.