1:54AM - "long story short i miss recording my thoughts b/c im sick and tired of writing them down"
listening back on the recorded entries i've done in the past month (from 2.17) i'm beginning to realize that a lot of things i thought about myself aren't true.
for instance - i wasn't over him when i said i knew i was. why else would he have affected me so much that night on the phone when i was drunk? there is no other reason.
and i don't know if things would have been different with him ever. even if i waited things out until this summer.
if i waited til summer, it probably would have complicated things way too much because of a certain situation with another someone who he knows.
haha i'm such a bitch "he's probably making her up.."
wowwwww... and i HONESTLY thought i was over it?! yeaaa.. i'm good at convincing myself of things that aren't true huh?
anyway.. listening to this one entry i just realize that like.. idk.. i've been lying to myself for so long now..
and i'm also realizing that i'm not as annoying and stupid as i always consider myself.. i'm intelligent and emotional. i'm an intellectual person who does what she wants to and doesn't care what people think of her..
...sometimes...
lately, no, i haven't been that person, and i can honestly say if anyone ever found these recorded entries, i'd probably be *SO* embarassed.. but mostly just because it's my inner-most personal feelings and thoughts..
but anyway.. moving back on to topic - i like myself.. (or at least, right now i do) and liking myself does not constitute as conceited or stuck up.. as long as i don't LET it get that way.
i really want to start being the old me. the me i was over the summer. the girl who could get any guy she wanted even if she wasn't trying to. the confident girl who would talk to any guy she wanted to.. who would go anywhere and do anything because she felt invincible...
~The Perks of Being a Wallflower
idk.. i'm just like.. listening to all of this stuff and it's so ironic that things i say have actually happened. like i said i wanted to call someone one night when i was drunk and tell him i miss him, and i didnt that night cos i feel like an asshole and it's not really fair to just be like i miss you, im drunk, and this is the only time i can find the guts to tell you. but a month or so later, i called him, while drunk, told him i missed him, and he should be where we are partying..
yea.. good job.
or about this other guy and how he treats me like a princess, and then just today i told my best friend that i felt like that same guy geniuinely cared about me, and then came across that recording..
it's almost like i know myself so well that i know what's going to happen and i can read people so well that i know how they will always make me feel.
but then i think i'm crazy for thinking all that.
and now i'm thinking i need sleep..
however.. before i go.. i just have to say that i must agree.. i just said "i hate the internet" in reference to facebook and myspace.. and i do. some things never change. those two sites allow me to be a nosy SOB and it gets me in so much trouble with myself and my feelings and what not :-\ BLAH
exhausted