*LoU*'s Day

3:11AM - you can't change this loneliness... x/33

when you're little, people always ask you "what do you want to be when you grow up?" i mean.. i dont know about you but at my elementary school we even had a day dedicated to it, where you would go in to school dressed up as what you wanted to be. there were police men, fire men, astronauts.. you name it.. there was one. me? i wanted to be a palientologist.. i used to be able to spell it perfectly too. and i was only in kindergarten. now i don't even know if i spelt it right. it's actually quite sad. then a few years later, i wanted to be a singer. that lasted until even now. i still would love to be a singer.. but i know now that it's one of the most out of reach careers ever. so i want to be a teacher. before that though, i wanted to be a marine biologist. i even went to marine bio camp at roger williams u. after that, i was back to being a singer, but this time, on broadway. and there i remain. but i doubt it'll ever happen. so i'm working on a major in psychology with a concentration in education.
so you go through 12 years of schooling, not including pre-k/pre-school to get to college, where you're supposed to have an idea of what you want to be and where you want to go in life. thus here i am at le moyne, studying psych and education with a little theatre on the side. doing as much work as i could possibly handle, trying my best to slide by with a decent GPA. finishing last semester out with a 3.1 was a miracle. i doubt i can do it this semester. but i can hope and try. but all of that seems so irrelevant to what i want to be "when i grow up" now.. sure it'd be awesome to go back to SJ and teach like i want to. to teach psych (since my hopes of starting a theatre/edu. program have been dashed by nancy.. gotta love her..) and possibly be a guidance counselor, but.. what about all the other stuff i want "when i grow up?"
i want to have a family. i want to be married. i want to have someone who loves me. i want to love someone in a way i've never loved or been loved so far. but no one ever asks about that. and even if you responded to the "what do you want to be when you grow up?" question with "loved," they would never accept that as an answer. they'd laugh and say "how cute." and either correct you by asking you career-wise what do you want, or they'd just move on to the next child in the classroom.
or better yet, they'd send you to the school psychologist and get family services involved knowing today's worry-warted, screwed up, horrible society. because if a child answers such a question with the answer "loved," they obviously aren't getting what they need at home, right?
wrong.
they aren't getting what they need from society. from other people who are supposed to care about them. the people you surround yourself with are supposed to care for and love you like you love them. you are supposed to be a part of something right? according to all the television shows, movies, books, magazines, everything - by the time you're in high school you're supposed to have fallen madly in love with the person you want to marry. just ask the WB or Nicholas Sparks. life wouldn't be worth living if you had no significant other.
what have we been brainwashed and conditioned to think of ourselves?! is it really true that we have to see ourselves as incomplete human beings if we do not have a boyfriend or girlfriend involved in our lives? i mean, that sure seems to be the message i've gotten lately from everything from media to the people i surround myself with. i swear sometimes that if some of my friends were single they'd melt away to nothing.
it makes me wonder how they see me. am i nothing? am i not worthwhile? am i just a lonely invisible worthless being with no one to love and/or be loved by?
i feel like i've been brainwashed by my surroundings to think just that about myself. it's like.. i have never had a real relationship or a successful one at least so i am no where near as mature and amazing as all these people around me. i feel insignificant. like a speck of dust. a fly on the wall. while all my friends dance around happy as can be, here i am trying to not only find myself, but figure out how others view me and why i am never the one in the crowd a guy picks out and says "i'd like to get to know her." and not in the sense that they'd like to get to know what's under my clothes, but rather what's under my skin. who i am, what i stand for, how i think, how i work, what makes me happy, and what makes me beautiful inside-out.
i feel conceited saying the whole "beautiful inside-out" thing but i don't mean it in that way at all. what i'm trying to say is that i feel like no one really knows or cares to know me. they see what they want to see and that's that.
and it's not so much that i care what people think of me, because believe me, i don't really care all that much what anyone has to say about me (aside from my actual friends) but it's more or less that i feel like the fact that they don't know me and think what they think of me, true or untrue as it may be, impacts events in my life. whether or not someone is going to come and talk to me because they think i seem cool, or whether they're going to talk to another girl because she seems like more of a person, more of a human being than me.
and i'm not writing this to preach to any one in any way shape or form of the problems with society and their portrayal of how one should run their life and what defines them as a person and what should make them happy.
those are not at all my intent for this entry.
all in all my reason for writing this all down is to say that i'm tired of being alone i guess.
it's not like anything is going to change that. i have to be more confident in myself in order for any of it to change.. but.. just getting this all out here can potentially help me feel better. just knowing it's off my chest. knowing that it's not boiling inside of me, ready to explode at any moment. that i'm not going to burst and produce salt water from my eyes to drench my face at a random, unknown, unpredictable point in time.
i guess overall, above everything else, i just want to say these things to get them out in the open. hoping that at least one person, any person, someone at all could be there to relate to. someone understands where i'm coming from and can tell me that it's going to be okay and mean it. and not just because they felt that way and are in an "amazing relationship now" but that they feel this way and they have come to terms with it and even if they are still single, they don't feel so alone anymore. that eventually things do get better and they do begin to look up. and they are okay with being by themselves when everyone else has someone.
but to tell you the truth i don't think there is a single person who can honestly tell me that when they are surrounded by couples or a world full of seemingly happy people who are together in ways more than friends, that they don't feel completely alone in the universe.
and if you can, i don't know if i'll ever believe that i'll feel the same way. solely because for the majority of my life, i never have, so i doubt i ever will.
three is has never and is not ever going to be a number i consider friendly.
one, you've been replaced. three is the new lonliest number.

3:44AM

for the record..
my chest feels tight
i feel like i can't breathe
i want to scream and cry
but i'm not doing a thing
my body feels stiff
but at the same time weak
and i can't find comfort in anything
no song has helped me
only made me feel even worse
more tense and distressed
and my breathe seems dispersed
i'm unable to find it
can't even find myself
i'm a complete and utter mess
numb with all feeling
tired with all energy
focused on thought
wanting to run away
from everything going on in my head
everything i'm feeling inside
if only i could breathe
if only i could sigh
i'm trying so hard to get everything out
but nothing is working, i'm stuck there's no doubt
i wish i knew how to make it stop
how to feel better,
wish i could take a deep breath and go on
but still i find no comfort in breathing
and still i cannot cry
and not a single song is helping me fill my eyes
nor has anything taken the weight off my chest
i want to sleep
need my thoughts to rest
but it seems impossible with these feelings at their best
i wish i could find how to make this all stop
but anything i think of is most illogical
unreasonable and harmful to myself and i know
that if any of it happened, i'd only have gone
back to where i was a few years ago
and never again do i want to be there
with feelings of such depression, emptiness and despair.
but then i realize i am emptier than ever
i am most lost than i remember
taking deep breaths to try and make it all go away
but here i am stuck
so i guess i have to stay
with myself until all of this is gone
searching on until i find what is truly wrong
even writing is of no assistance
so i am going to put myself at a distance
from everything i'm feeling
everything inside
everything that's happening
it was so stupid to hide
behind the facade that i put in front of me
all because none of these people needed to see
how i get and how i end up
i didn't need to or mean to scare any of them
so i'm letting go now of this keyboard
and i will try to close my eyes
try to breath and go on with my night
and hopefully sleep until i feel light
both in my eyes and in my heart
so here i go.. it's time to start.
~Samantha Kate Bayuk, 2.21.06

i think i'll title it panic attack.
cos that's what i feel like i'm having right now. i really don't know if can sleep and stay breathing. i'm freaking out and there's no one to go to about it. everyone else is having problems of their own and i have no idea what to do with myself anymore.
i just wrote a whole entry about well.. i don't need to repeat about what. just go read it if you really want to. i'm too lazy to summarize it all. but like.. i don't even know right now. i have no idea what the hell is up with me. my heart is racing and my head feels heavy as does my chest. this is such a shitty feeling. i kind of want to puke.
wow.. what the hell is wrong with me?
and to think this is me fully medicated. wow. awesome.
i'm so fucked uppppp.

what i wouldn't give to just be a normal person for once. no problems, no panic, no sadness, nothing but normal people feelings. cos this, for sure, is not normal.
i think i may put this on friends only cos of that impromptu poem that i just so poorly wrote.
it's not the greatest quality. it could use revision and re-work. but that's roughly what's going on with me right now.

ugh listening to music is just making everything worse. maybe going to sleep *is* the best idea.
i'm going to have a panic attack in my sleep i know i will..

which reminds me.. i have to remember to write about my dream..
the one where i was walking around the mall with steph n rob and i think my mom too and no matter what store we went in to we had to get out fast because there would be a loud boom and next thing we knew everything would be stone, like a volcano had come and erupted and cooled and everything was solidified.. it was the creepiest dream i've had in a long, long time. it scared the shit out of me. cos every store i went in to there were people i cared about.. people who i really truly cared about. from my past, my present, and people i can see myself caring a whole lot about in the future. and like.. no matter what, steph, rob, my mom and i stayed normal, but there was always that huge BOOM and next thing i knew everyone was a tan coloured solidified stone person. no matter if there was a conversation going on or what, people just became solid and that was that.
there was something about a matchbook romance concert, which i think is what made me realize it was a dream and in turn wake up, but i remember one of the last things i saw in the dream was a piece of paper on the floor that said that the MBR show that night was cancelled and i knew when i saw it that it was cancelled due to what was going on.. but what the hell WAS going on exactly? what was making this all happen? i didn't understand. i couldn't get it for the life of me. it just didn't make sense. i didn't see a volcano anywhere so what was making the people go like this? why was the floor still moving in circles on the displays but the people were like statues, inanimate.. dead.. no life in them whatsoever. no breath, no animation, no movement, no emotion. they were nothing. they no longer existed but in memory and in stone. physically they were like a stone figure or something.
and then again when i say they were people i cared about, past present and future, looking back at the dream, where it all started.. in the little local candy-shop that it started at, i have no idea who was in there. i have no idea who was anywhere in the dream. but whoever it was who owned the candy-store was someone i was really close to. someone i cared about a lot. i was having a huge conversation with them about their home-made candy and i was testing it before i bought it (or had i bought it and was now eating it? i'm unsure) and everything and then BAM, that loud explosion-like noise, and they were no longer able to communicate with myself or my cousins and mother. so we ran. we ran to the mall. i remember driving around the parking lot and parking somewhere, so obviously the first place wasn't there. i guess we thought we were going to a safe place. but then i walked in to one of my stores (a charlotte rousse type of store) and everything turned to stone. then i walked into a gap or victoria secret (i dont really remember.. it was set up like gap but i swear it was VS) and BOOM everything turned to stone a little later, and we just kept running from store to store to find somewhere safe, but there was no where, we kept hearing booms all over the place and they kept catching up to us, finding us. it was like they were trying to get us but kept missing.. even though we were always there. or maybe they were trying to take away what we had to keep us safe? i don't even really know.
i don't even know what to think of the dream. but it drove me insane all day.
everything drove me insane all day.
but that dream was on my mind from the time i woke up til now. and even now it just disturbs me and makes me fear falling asleep tonight.
i have such issues. no wonder why i have pills to help me sleep, right? wow.
ugh.. i wish i knew what to say/think/do about this dream.
i'm the type of person who thinks that dreams are had to tell us something..
but what in the world could this one be trying to tell me?
what is it supposed to stand for or be saying or symbolize?
nothing is set in stone.. so why was everything turning into it?
i know this is a long entry.. but if anyone actually made it through it.. please.. help me out here. anything.. i doubt anyone even reads this.. but if you have any idea at all what the hell is going on with my freakin head that would make me have such a creepy fucked up dream.. i would appreciate the help.

thanks.

:-\

x33 sammi*