2:21PM - *..the heartbreak, the heartache is more than i wanted..*
Things seemed to be getting better but it's life right? Nothing changes. I think in life your path is set. If there is a path at all that is. No matter what you do you're going in circles. I think that people are made a certain way, the underdog, the popular, the loved, the hated, the lost, the weary, the misunderstood.. the used. And no matter what you do you'll never rise above your set standard or limit. No matter how hard you try. Unfortunately I was plagued with being not only the underdog, but the used, the misunderstood, and the lost as well. It's to the point where no matter what I do or what I try I suck at it. And I fail at it. I feel like I'm failing life. I can't keep friends, I can't stand being around people, mainly/especially girls, I can't do anything right when it comes to guys, and my heart leads me to the wrong things all the time. To the wrong people. And feels the wrong things the strongest. Sometimes I really just want to break down in tears and never stop crying until the tears have washed away all my pain. Other times I seek comfort in less sensible ways. Ways I shouldn't. But it works. I have yet to try anything I really want to though. Part of me says I shouldn't ever, but the rest of me says to hell with it. Anything to make me feel better at this point. Things can't get much worse right? But the more I think that, the more I'll be proven wrong. Everytime I think the only way for things to go is up, they do just the opposite and I am dug into my hole even deeper, jackhammered further into the cracks in the ground which I am already slipping into due to my last fall and the last jab thrown at me.
I constantly wonder what's wrong with me. Why can't my life be like that of a normal human being? Why can't guys like me? Why can't I keep a friend? Why can't I succeed at the two things that mean the most to me? And most of all, why can't I ever just feel love? If nothing else in my life, I want to feel what it's like to be loved before I die. Yeah, I know my family cares about me, but I don't know if I feel loved by them. And if I do it's just not strong or just enough in general for me. How shitty of me to say. But IDK.. I just.. I don't feel any love.. at all.. ever.. Maybe I'm just looking for too much. Maybe I want too much. Maybe I'm too much to handle. Maybe everything is my fault. Maybe I'm too blind to see it. I know I'm fickle and I stand my ground and stick up for myself and my feelings, but does that have to make me a shitty person? Does that have to mean that I suck at everything? That I suck at life and that I don't deserve to be loved or feel love? I'm just about to give up on everything.. life.. friends.. love.. the world. I just can't take anything anymore. I'm cutting away at myself inside and its not healthy. It's not right. I need something. Anything. One thing that will give me hope. I need to know I'm loved. I need to know people care. And if that's too much to ask, well then maybe I don't deserve it. Maybe I'm a selfish bitch. Maybe I'm an ignorant person. I don't know..
All I know at the point is that I hate my life. And that nothing else has been more screwed up. I've never seen any one in this much pain, and Lord knows, no matter how low I've gotten, I've never felt this kind of pain before. There's nothing for me. I feel like there's nothing left. I feel like there's no hope, no love, no light, nothing to live for, and no reason for me. No point in my being. Nothing at all to make my existance worth while. And I'm sure there's a ton of people out there thinking the same thing about me at this point. And maybe a bunch of people who have felt this way before. But I don't know how to deal with it. I'm going about everything in the wrong way. I need help. I need an out. And there is no one and nothing that can help me or get me out.. believe me.. I've tried just about everything..
depressed