10:26PM - yepp cos my life just cant get any fucking better...
yea, i'm just really sick of it all right now.
my life sucks, and i'm convinced no one gives a shit about me. its all "me me me me me" with everyone and im so sick of it. like im not saying i need to constantly be the center of attention or the center of everything and i want people to constantly be concerned about me cos thats the LAST thing I want, but itd b nice if people actually gave a shit. i mean after my last depressy entry you'd think like maybe a friend or two might have even bothered to ask me if i was okay or if i wanted to talk, but no one did. fuck, if one of my friends had something like that up i would have gotten to them in a heartbeat to make sure they were okay. and im not saying i put that up for attention, cos i didnt, and im not putting this up for attention, i'm just writing how i feel, and i was doing the same exact thing with the second to last entry i posted, but this is fucking ridiculous.
now i'm really convinced that no one gives a fuck about me. i care about my friends more than anything in the world, but i guess the same just doesnt fucking go for me. all i want is someone who understands me, someone whos not gonna ditch me, someone whos gonna stay with me, someone i can *always* trust, and i think i find those people and then shit happens and im just not fucking sure anymore...everything just gets so fucked up. and then certain things happen that make me happy, but i could never tell n e 1 they actually make me happy cos i'd b considered pathetic. yepp, cos that's fun. i love that.
i really just want to die at this point. im so sick of this. im so sick of everything. school, people, "friends," just everything...I'd really like to know what certain ppl in my life would do if i was just to disappear or drop dead tomorrow, cos i really dont think ANYONE at this point would care very fucking much. they'd prolly just act disppointed and not really care. school would pray, like they fucking do for fucking everyone, but god knows they dont mean it half of the time, and people might show up or call or send cards to my mom, but i doubt those would be all that sincere either. you know what i wish i could do? i wish i could like, die for a day, but come back the next day, just so i could see who actually cares...like test people...that'd be nice...man...i'd really like to see that...see what comes out about who cared for me and how exactly much and who just really could live without me...there's three people specifically i'd like to see if they actually give a shit or if they just use me...one of em i cant see showing any emotion about it at all...the other...well they've changed so fucking much that i'm just not sure if they have emotion anymore anyway...and the last one, i can see being upset for a little while and then moving on to new and better things and just forgetting i ever existed...and yea maybe i should feel bad for saying that and maybe somewhat i do, but i cant wholeheartedly say i would erase that cos i dont want to post it, cos thats not how it goes, i said it cos i needed to say it, i believe it to be true, and ill never know or be proven otherwise unless god forbid it happens...
man life just fucking sucks, it really does. there's no reason for any of us to be here, cos all there is is pain, heartache, lonlieness, and suffereing...and its disgusting, worthless, and terrible...who the hell wants to live like this?? who the hell wants to live in this world?? i mean am i the only one who sees it this way?? i mean let me know, seriously, cos if i'm a fucking psycho, i'd like to fucking know flat out. otherwise i really just wanna know how the fuck everyone else gets by...then again i dont think anyone feels half as alone as i do right now...and it makes no sense, i mean i have people around me...but i still feel so fucking alone and it sucks more than anything in the world...i hate my life so much...maybe i feel this alone because it seems like to everyone, i'm just there...like they have other people they would rather talk to or hang out with...normally, i could hold a conversation with certain people for hours and now the conversations have died down to 5 minute trivial details about the things going right for other people...i'm not complaining that my friends are happy, i want them to be happy...less for me to worry about, less depressed people, less for me to put on my shoulders...more time for me to try and figure out what the hell is wrong with me like my shrink has been telling me to do for ages now..but i mean anytime things go right for them, its just showing me whats going so totally wrong for me. i hate my life so much...all i want to do is just lock myself in my room for ever and lie on my bed and never get up and just cry and cry and cry. let everything out, let everything go, and just for once figure myself the fuck out. but it'll never happen. too much to do, too much to focus on, too much to take care of, too many people to deal with. my 'lil sis' Nora had this on her blurty and it made me think:
and here's what i posted in return:
well said.
but answer me this:
what about the people who are good friends, but get screwed over all the time...whats that saying?
so yea, that's about it i guess..idk...i just hate everything right now...and i cant even begin to explain how i feel...this is as close as i can get to it...and the only thing i think i really said i feel is alone...but maybe that's just it...maybe that's the only thing i feel...maybe its the only thing im meant to feel cos for months now its the only thing i have felt...i mean yea it goes away sometimes, but for the most part its been here to stay...God...why does my life just always have to fucking blow?? Why am I always the one without someone who cares...why am I the one who always knows what they want and can never have it...
...why can't I just die?
depressed