2:23PM
so you know what i've noticed, looking back on a bunch of my old blurty entries?? in the past month, its all been about me trying to find myself and who i really am...trying to find where i fit and and who i belong around/with. and i swear thats the most annoying thing in the world...not really knowing who u belong with, like the group of people you fit in with and stuff..i mean my group of people has changed so drastically in just the past year. my opinions, tastes, styles, music, friends, everything about me has changed just within a year, and mucho bigly too. but i'm definitely not about to complain about the person I am today..if anything I like me now more than i have in a while...the one thing im missing though, is still my outgoing half...im still little miss shy-ness...especially around guys i don't know...its so weird...and it really is getting on my last nerve, maybe i'll get to the point that i'm so fed up with it that i'll just forget everything and go back to the outgoing me that i was in the beginning of the year, that would be awesome. ive noticed bits and peices of it coming back gradually, there's really only one main person that's holding me back, and i'm not about to say who that is. no its not any of my best friends and no its def. not keebler, so none of ya'll who read this, don't think its you. ((unless by some miraculous mistake the person is actually reading this which i doubt they are)) but w/what im about to say next, to most of you, it will just about give it all away. the thing that's been holding me back has been gradually eating away at the real me for months now. i go to talk to that person and ill sit there with a blank im until the person signs off...something in me doesnt register with that...its like, all of a sudden, with that person, i just freeze...unless its in person, then i always know what to say and how to say it, and that scares me..esp. since there wont be any more "in person" after this year... i mean there might be, but i highly doubt it...*very highly* doubt it. yeaa...but maybe itll be for the better...i hate thinking that...but maybe..i dont want that to be true and now i'm sitting here wishing i could just delete what i wrote, but its what i was thinking at the moment, i have to stop regretting everything i say and do, sometimes it needs to be said and/or done...i just have to get used to that...i have to get used to the fact that sometimes i just might be right in saying and or acting upon how i feel...no matter how much it might tear me apart and no matter for how long either. i just have to realize that feelings and actions are sometimes meant to happen...sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst...either way whats meant to happen will happen...mann now i sound like one of those religious people...ick...thats another thing i've been struggling with lately, is anything actually MEANT to happen?? is there actually a path set out for us that we'll always end up back on again no matter what?? right now i dont really think so cos the path i've been on for my whole life is the worst one. its a path of lonliness and despair. hate and love at the same time. its also full of regret and missed opportunity. and if thats what my life is supposed to be all about, i might as well have killed myself a long time ago...thats not the way anyone should have to live...at all, no matter who they are. no one should miss every opportunity and regret every chance they had to do something or gain something or get something, all because they never took the chance at hand. life is so ridiculous sometimes. its hard to believe theres any such thing as a god when all this bad stuff happens, when all this shit just keeps piling up and never goes away no matter how hard you try to get it to just leave you alone...yea...see i'm convinced that life is just full of let downs and get ups. and either you have a good life or a shitty life. like one always rules over the other. i think im one of the ones who stuck with one of the let down lives. my life started out shitty with all the stuff that went on with my parents and i'm convinced itll stay shitty. sure there's good stuff, but nothing can take away the pain that life has given me that'll stay with me forever. i mean my dad tried to talk to me the other day, asking me about "what do you remember of what your mom told you when you were little about why i left" and i had no idea how to say "because you did this bad stuff" like...dude how the hell do you tell your dad you know what he did and why your rents really got divorced...?? how do you tell him that?? and then when we got into it, i think my dad still loves my mom, and its crazy that after 12 or 13 years he would still love her, but i really think he does...he mentioned that if my grandfather hadn't gotten involved, my mom wouldnt have let go of my dad that fast...like my poppy made her get divorced from him...as if he gave her no choice...and since he told me that, i of course can' tell my mom that, so i have no idea what to think or say...i was so tempted to ask him "do you think you and mommy would still be together today if poppy didn't make you guys get divorced?" but i didnt...cos he had to go get out of the car and get my little brother from his friend's house...man...i would give anything to know what it would be like if my parents were still together...would i still be here, in this house, in CT, going to SJ, and would I have the same friends I have now? would i have a sister like Emma...I kno I wouldnt have Nick and Ryan...and possibly not Alex...but would I still have my little mini-me?? and if I did, I don't think she'd be this young...she def. wouldn't be that young...I'd probably have bros and sisters that were froshies like 8th graders...considering the time span...like considering my dad went through all that stuff when i was maybe 2, so that means when he came back...i would have sibs at least 2 yrs younger...right?? yea...mann...this is all so...complicated to think about...it hurts too...but i have to get it out...i've been letting it just linger in my thoughts on and off lately...and thats the worst thing to do with thoughts like that... yeaa...
anyways...mann...so many freakin things im thinking about...all these what-ifs and would-i-still's kinda just kill me slowly...every little thing i'm left wondering about just kinda fucks me up even more...hey who need drugs, my mind fucks me up enough as it is...ha yea...fuuuuck...mann and i still have this huuuuge paper for lowell to write...im sick today so i didnt go to school...and yesterday i was sick so i didnt even bother to work on it and now im stuck doing the whole entire thing today...i have to go look for a poem to use...i have my band i think cos the poems i want...or am thinking of using, the band's lyrics just totally fit...like they have mucho varied lyrics..well varied in interpretation...i think at least...so yeaa...well...i should really go and get this stupid project done...i kinda just cut off my entry...i think at least...but too many things just happened at once..i was writing this then my aunt called, and while i was on the phone with her i filed my nails down, which i wish i didnt do cos they were gettin long like i like em but w/e they'll grow again and now my dog is being an asshole like he always is...fucking whining and barking and going in and out of the house continually...ugh kill me...too much to do, too short of a day....
grrr
contemplative