12:21AM - *here, a little sympathy for you to waste on me...i know you're faking it, but that's okay...
god fucking hates me. i fucking hate my life. i just had this whole fucking entry typed up and it was amazing. it said how i felt, i didnt hold back, and i fucking lost it. i went to copy it and as soon as i fucking click "select all" my mofo of a comp changes the fucking screen. and of course fucking asshole blurty doesnt accept it cos its dated from when i started the entry at 10:30 yesterday and now its midnight today and it wouldnt fucking take it without backdating it. GOD DAMNIT WHY THE FUCK DOES LIFE HATE ME?!
well i'm gonna attempt to type up somewhat what i had right now, and see if i get the general shit of it fast cos i have to fucking get to sleep i have a blood test tomorrow morning and then voice lessons.
ok here goes:
im sick of being me. im not even fucking being me at all lately. i used to be confident, outgoing, and *gasp* i used to even have self esteem and i don't know where the fuck it all went. my confidence and my self esteem went somewhere and i don't know where. like confidence took off like "hey you know what, i'm sick of you, i'm going on vaca and i'll see you in a few years, if you're lucky." and i think it invited self esteem with it. and of course outgoing just left like right after my bday. it was like "hey bitch, you're 16 now, you don't need me, i'm gonna go reserve a room for confidence and self-esteem, have fun fending for yourself bitch" yea and i thought i was getting gutsier? i think it was just the last bits of it all just falling out right in front of my eyes and ears. like as a parting gift or something. it helped me outta the sitch it got me into and then just abandoned me. wtf happened to me?? i mean i know i've changed, but i havent changed THAT MUCH have I?? not in that sense at least. i mean yea, im not lil miss bubble gum pop anymore, but i have no problem with that. its cool. and I mean like, my music taste changing cant have n e thing to do with myself internally changing. and i admit my group of people has changed, but that shouldnt have changed me this much either. not to the point where i'm oober shy all over again. i even think i'm freakin ugly lately. like...idk wtf is with me...im so messed up. im such a fucker. i just feel so out of place and left out lately. esp. when i go to shows w/keebler...i feel like i just don't fit in with n e of her friends there...i feel bad saying that cos i dont want her mad at me, but honestly like, she hangs with the kinda people i WISH i fit in with. but everytime i even try to so much as say one thing to them they just look at me like im from another planet. do i try too hard or something?? i mean i just say whats in my brain, thats what comes outta my mouth, but no, its like another language to everyone. ugh...god forbid the used to be teeny bopper whos friends of their friend says n e thing. yay now im sure ill get someone pissed at me for saying that. that leaves me with this many friends: 0. wooooooopieeeee. yay. fuck the world. fuck it and fuck you. and while you're at it, fuck your mom and her dog too k?? yea. i'm sure i just offended all the nymphos who read my blurty, but like i've said in a bajillion of my past entries: dont like, dont read. fucking simple as that. got it? yea. good. i'm sure i just lost every reader right there, but that's cool, that means i can go free-for-all on everyone's asses and they'd never fucking know right? yea.
anyways, im so sick of my life. whatever happened to friends?? i have NONE. like yea I have friends, but like, i dont really feel like i have friends that actually give a fuck about me. like i feel bad complaining to them, i feel like they have enough of their own shit to deal with, that they dont fucking need mine on top of it. i feel like i should be down on hand and knee listening to their every problem and obeying their every command, which is fucked up... i used to do that, and now look at where i am, feeling like shit for having feelings. its great...gotta fucking love it. and you know what the worst part is?? i bet you anything that i could rely on my long-distance and camp buddies more than i can the people i see year-round, day after day. like they would be there for me before the people i have to be there for me locally and that really bugs me... its makes me think like, if i died tomorrow i bet you anything my family would be the only locals at my funeral. and thats incl. keebler cos shes like family just about anyway. but yea... ugh... do you realize how much life truely blows??
the worst part about this all is the fact that they say "once you hit rock bottom the only way you can go is up" but lately, i find that to be complete bullshit. i'm beginning to think that im made of rubber and i keep bouncing on the bottom cos i def. keep hitting it over and over again. i go up a few inches and then get shot right back down and it just all fucking sucks donkey balls. man i don't know what to do. my heart is in 20 peices, it never pulled itself back together from events past...mainly the ones from the past 4 months... my mind is in about 5 peices, insane, nuts, completely insane, mental hospital worthy, and gone. that is 5 right?? i don't know. at this point im seriously convinced that we dont fear hell, that we are hell. i think all of us right now, are in hell and don't realize it. or maybe earth IS hell. and we don't die until we've finally gotten up to good. which in my case, i dont think will ever happen. at this point im convinced that i'm going to be stuck in my bubble forever. they shy ct small town girl bubble. i'll never get married and ill never make new friends like i want to. ill just stay by myself in my bubble for the rest of my life. damnit i really need a fucking life... i really fucking do. ugh...and then i try to get out and meet new people, but i get rejected. yepp thats right everybody, i faced my 4th rejection within a year. i didn't fucking make Follies...the one thing I wanted more than anything because I miss Valerie and Bianca so fucking much and I didn't freakin get it. This sucks so bad. And I quit the SJ show cos Im just sick of the way that director works with her favoritism shit. It's rediculous. Urgh. Life just blows at this point.
Sometimes I wish it were easy to just give up on everything. School, friends, family, boys, singing, acting, life. But its harder to just give up than to keep going for me... Weird huh? Man...
Lastly I'd just like to add that change sucks...Nora and I are talking about that right now, and I just felt I had to add it. cos it really all does. I hate change. I hate when people change, I hate when times change, I hate when places change, i hate it when things in general change. I especially hate it when I change. I'd give anything to have "Summer Sam" back. I'm so much a cooler person over the summer at camps and shit where I can be myself and not be bothered with others. It's so much better....I just wish I could find myself like that all year...it would make like so much easier and better and amazing. I'd be in such a better place right now if I was like that all year long. I'd be a happier person I bet. And I prolly wouldnt be so fucking lonely and longing so much to find a whole new group to hang out with. I really wish I fit in more w/certain people cos those people that I want to talk to are EXACTLY like the ppl I hang with over the summer...I know if I could just get back to being *ME* I'd be able to feel like I actually fit in instead of seeing them all just stare at me like I have 5 heads when words come out of my mouth. Damnit why the hell do I have to struggle so much to be myself?? I don't know...then there's this whole other part of me which I still have to figure out...its just really tough. Growing up really just fucking blows. I can't deal with it all anymore. I just want to get it all over with. But then I don't want to have to be out in the real world by myself. That scares me most. Esp. since its all fast approaching... Sr. yr...college...work...fuck I mean I'm only 16 and I already have to think about all this stuff...its driving me insane...normal ppl dont have to think about this til they're almost 17...me on the other hand...i had to deal with it all when i was 15...and its just getting WORSE. I think I stress myself too much. I really do...
Well...I dont remember what else I had to say...I'm sure it'll come back up some other time when I decide to spill my guts again. Oh yea, I remem one thing, I want advice. If n e 1 actually fucking read this (which i doubt n e 1 cares that much) I'd really like opinions. Or comments...anything right now is appreciated. Even humour or randomness. Just to know *someone* is there and is actually paying attention to//cares about how i feel. Not to sound desperate for attention, but im sick of people just not caring when I care so much for everyone around me. Its really hurtful.
well im out
comment if u actually read this.
im not expecting much for the record.
-Sam-
bitchy