3:35AM - I want it to End...I want this ALL to be a Bad Bad Terrible Nightmare...I kno it's living in Fantasy
I just want to wake up tomorrow morning and find that this past month and a half has all been a terrible horrible completely crappy nightmare, that I never went to the Harvest Dance, that I never had those 2 emotional breakdowns, that the play hasn't happened yet, that I haven't gone to Key Largo yet, that I still have my make out virginity, that I'm still 15, that he's still 14, that I haven't gone to Jr Ring yet, that I didn't go to Jr Ring with someone else, that I've never had to deal with getting over a bf, that I've never dumped a guy before, that I've never broken up with anyone before, that I've never prayed to get a guy back, that I've never asked a Magic 8 Ball if I'm going to get that same guy back, that I've never rebounded and ended up breaking another person's heart 5 days later, that Western Regional Auditions haven't happened yet and I'm still drilling with Margy every Thursday to get ready for it...I want every single one of these to be true all just so that he and I are still going out...so that I never lost him and so I'm not still pining over him...
I know the saying goes "never regret something you've done because at one point it's what you wanted" but I can't not regret it, there's just no way...for a day and a half I didn't regret it...the night of the dance and the next day, but then I saw him...I saw him the next day at rehearsal and I realized how badly I had screwed up...that I had really lost him...for good...He wouldn't look at me, didn't say hi, and I couldn't blame him...I would have done the same thing if I had been dumped and then seen my ex hook up with another person almost directly afterward...but he has no idea how badly I regret it...ever day I regret it more...You'd think that I'd regret it less and get over it more and more every day, but for some reason, it's opposite...its completely opposite...Sometimes I wish I could call him up and tell him everything, how I feel, all of it and tell him that I want him back...even though I know he doesn't feel the same way, even though I know he's completely over me and totally infatuated with a girl his own age...but I still want to...even though it's just setting myself up for more hurt because as he puts it he "loves" her...even though I know all that...I still want to...but I'm so afraid to...I can't stand being this hurt as it is...if I set myself up for that...God knows how deep that would throw me in...and I'd probably only fall for him worse. All my friends want me to be over him, and Lord knows I'd love to be able to move on and find someone new as well, but for some reason I just can't figure out how...I mean we only went out for two weeks...my first relationship...two weeks...pathetic ...both cos of how short it lasted and because I'm still not over it...It's not that I need a guy...cos I've gone without one for 15 years...its just that...I want him back...I want a second chance...I want to see if there's any possibility, any at all, that he and I could possibly make it work...all we needed was a little more communication and some real time together...we never got that...if only I had waited a little longer maybe things would have gotten better...maybe not...maybe he would have fallen deeper in love with the girl he's into now...maybe HE would have dumped ME and things between he and that girl could possibly be working right now and I would be even more crushed than I am because he called it off...It's easier for me to blame myself for things than to blame other people for my pain...I don't know why...it just is...like...I'm my own outlet...and I know that makes things harder...but I'd rather throw more on me, than throw even an ounce on someone else...I went a while trying to figure out my feelings for another guy these past 2 weeks...and I like him...but the other kid is still my number one...its weird how you can like one person, but feel even more strongly for another and that stronger one overrules anything you feel, felt, or thought you might feel or have felt for that second person...
Man...I'm so beat...I want to keep writing though...for the first time in a month, writing is helping me again...I could sit there and write for hours thus past month and NOTHING got resolved...none of my feelings got any lighter, but now that I'm finally getting EVERYTHING out, I think I'll pick up on this later today...wow I stopped typing for like 2 hrs...cos I was talkin to my really good friend whos goin through a tough time...he knows who he is and i wanna tell him:
Sweetie, just remember I'm here for you, and even though you're sitch is more intense than I remember mine being, I still understand what you're going through and what you're feeling, and I'll always be here to listen, even if I cant think of words to say, I'll listen and be here for you to just talk to. I love ya cos ur an awesome person and amazing friend, and you're in my mind, thoughts, heart, and prayers always, Good Luck, I know you'll get through. And just remember, the future is always brighter than the present. Love ya to peices.
I'm out
*+*SaMMi*+*
lonely