2:19AM - So how's that saying go? When you feel the pain you know you're alive?
Okay, so my whole life I've always wondered what it would be like if my parents never got divorced. If they could have just worked everything out even though after finding out what screwed up the marriage when I was older, I realized there wasn't much hope of my mom trusting my dad after that (no, he didn't cheat on her and no I'm not saying what happened some of you know, but don't go off saying anything.) Anyway, so, tonight I was looking through their wedding pictures my mom still has the album and they look SO happy I mean if you didn't know my parents were divorced and you saw the pictures, you'd wonder when my dad was coming home from work. Now after seeing those pictures, which yes, I have seen them before, but only when I was really little...I'm almost completely convinced my parents should be together...I know things happen for a reason, but I mean...why divorce? My dad seems so miserable in the relationship he's in now, I mean, he's ALWAYS grumpy when he's at home, and at work he's even more stressed cos his business "isnt doing well" ((sometimes I wonder...considering he goes out to dinner and movies all the time...but thats another thing))... I always thought, when I was little, that my parents would get remarried. They always seemed like the best of friends, we would go out to dinner together, he would come over to pick me up and just hang out for a little while, or vice versa, that is, until he met his current wife...my evil stepmom. I'm convinced that she's the reason my parents don't get along at all any more and I'm positive I'm right. She's the reason my dad and I aren't close anymore. I was EXACTLY like my little sister was when I was her age...I would beg my daddy to take me to work with him so I could spend time with him and if he left me, I would cry so hard...and when I got to go to work with him, I was the happiest girl alive, I was with my daddy, it was daddy and me, no one could stop us. He was my best friend when I was little. We would wake up on Saturday mornings and watch cartoons, then we'd go to the park, or hang out at home on the swingset...he taught me just about everything I'm into now too...baseball, music...everything...I swear...when I was looking through those Wedding pictures I just wanted to cry...but I can't, if my mom ever saw me cry over it...she'd think I was nuts. I mean its not like I even remember when my parents were married...except I do have pics of us all...which kinda hits hard...but for some reason not as hard as those wedding pictures. I mean, why have I never been bummed about this before you know? It took 14 years (my 'rents split when I was 2...final divorce happened when I was 5) for it to all hit me?? Does this make sense at all???? And I mean...then there's the sitch here with my mom where its just me and her and I have to be there for her and shes there for me...but I tend to keep my feelings from her...like earlier this summer, when a girl I knew from Elementary school died, my mom cried right away when she saw a site that one of the girl's friends built in memory of her, but it took me until the night before her wake to break down cos I felt I had to be strong for my mom cos I knew it bugged her a lot...especially cos Sara was my age and yea...I just know it freaked her out cos all she kept saying was "Don't ever make me go through that, don't you ever do that to me"...I mean, would that help YOU cry? For me it just made me hold everything in more...and have a bigger breakdown...the next day I didn't even go to my theatre thing that I was in...I just stayed home cos I didnt want to be around anyone in fear I was gonna flip again...All this stuff...I don't know why its all getting to me NOW...maybe cos I didn't get it all out when it happened...that prolly is it...I bet anything...Wow...have I vented enough?? I really need to learn how to get things out when they happen, cos when I don't then I'm one of those pains in the asses who goes and goes and goes and doesnt stop....like a complaining energizer bunny...well, all that stuff bout the Wedding just came up now...but the other stuff is pent up...soo...yeaa...anyways, I think I'll end this now...I won't post it yet tho...cos I wanna stay on and talk to some ppl, and this is my excuse to be on "i need to type something up and send it..." ok so its a bit off, but hey...it got me online didnt it? ...By the way...did you know that 52% of all marriages end in divorce...? Yea...gotta love how morality and love in the world has gotten sucked down the drain...
ttyl
confused