*i know now*im the lonely one*with no one to turn to* Sammi*Kate ..it was just a few years in the making . . . . . .he was gone when she needed him more than she could really ever let on to..

(..sing me to sleep..) thoughts ((050109♪11:19a)) i really miss lemoyne. i'm trying to think about why exactly i left.. i was embarassed. the white girl, dropping from LPiU - and i wanted it so bad. it wasn't a lack of wanting that made me drop. it was a lack of respect toward me from, not the hermanas, but my own LS's. who, mind you, don't even talk to me anymore and give me nasty ass looks when they see me. real mature. so much for sisterhood - if that's how they were going to be, i'm glad i dropped, i guess. but i just can't figure out why i had to leave lemoyne. i get that i was doing poorly again with my grades.. but why couldn't i just bring myself to take the semester off? let everything blow over? not that i'm not happy i'm home - because if i hadn't come home, i wouldn't have met sarah and everyone, and i wouldn't have gotten close to tammy again. or maybe i would have. but it would have been a lot suckier to leave here. but i never really missed home. i never really missed ct. i left for stupid reasons. ryan was home and i couldn't handle everything going on with him. i was dropping from a sorority that i probably could have made it through. but my grades were terrible because of both things. and on top of that i had lost a person who was more like a mother, at times, to me than my own mother. are those stupid reasons? i know one of them is, definitely. but how can a group of girls tell you not to smile when it's something you're known for? how can a group of people tell you not to speak, when that's the only way you know how to let things out? how can they tell you that you can't go online and write things like this, when it's the only comfort you really know? and how could someone bring their grades up from nearly failing, yet another semester, to salvage the 2.5 and bring it back up to the 3.1 that she had and wants back so badly? i'm at SHU and i have a 3.0 i'm not pledging.. that i'm sure of anyway.. even though i sort of want to.. i'm just not sure why anymore.. maybe that's my problem. i make so many decisions that i'm just not sure of. i'm not sure why i make them. i'm not sure why i want to. up until Thanksgiving break, i was having the best time of my life here. i had awesome friends (or so i thought) i was always out (if i wasn't working) and, until that point, there was MINIMAL drama. it follows me i swear. the drama, the craziness. i need to go to a meeting tonight but this is the first time in, i think, over a month that OTH and Gossip Girl are back on and I've been waiting for it, OTH at least, for so long. maybe i just need a girl's night. idk the bottom line is, i miss LMC. i miss my friends there. i don't miss the drama, but i was comfortable. i had my niche. i was kind of alone, moreso than i am here, but i knew my place, i knew who i had. i knew who my group was, generally. my body might have left, but my heart never did. the only thing is, there's only, seemingly, one person there who misses me. so why do i miss a place so much that holds one person who cares at all that i left? if i left any other place would people care? if i left SHU i don't think anyone would care solely because i don't really have anyone here. not anymore. not if i ever even did. but i would miss dianna and beth and tessa. ugh how did i go from having this whole huge group to having 3 people, at a school with more than 2 thousand. i can understand at LMC how i would have a small group at times, with 2,000 people you might as well be back in HS. everyone knows everything, you do anything and the world there will judge and belittle you. but here? maybe i just haven't met the right people. maybe there are no right people. who knows. all i know is i definitely fit in better at LMC than i think i ever will here. and i miss that. i miss walking around and knowing everyone who walked by. or being associated with so many different people. i hate this. i want to go back. but by the time i did, it would be pointless. everyone is graduating this year. everyone but me.

(..sing me to sleep..) ((020109♪01:59a)) [ mood | refreshed ] well boys & girls, it's that time of year again. the time when you say out with the old and in with the new.. or so we like to think. so in the spirit of the new year holiday here are some resolutions i'd like to stick to... 1.) complete an original song on piano. 2.) complete an original song, overall. (lyrics included) 3.) WORK OUT ON A REGULAR BASIS NO MATTER HOW BUSY YOU ARE! 4.) keep my GPA up at a 3.0 or higher. 5.) STOP BEING SO DAMN INDECISIVE!! 6.) stop making decisions you know you'll regret afterward.. [a.] if you want something don't settle for anything less. [b.] stop being so damn naive. 7.) stop smoking. for good. for real. lung cancer is not attractive. 8.) start/finish writing a story. 9.) find an internship. 10.) get a place of my own. so there are the top ten. i'm sure i'll think of more. but until then, let's try to stick to those. some goals, some stoppings, some startings, some finishings. we'll see how it all goes. i'm sure i'll keep you posted. one good thing so far about this year - no more ryan in my life. i'm feeling liberated and happy. and i've been told more than once that i have a glow about me lately. thank you for giving me my shine back. it feels good to be bright again.

(..sing me to sleep..) ((010109♪12:50a)) New year new help. Never me. I'll always be helping someone else. And I'll always be alone in this. I just want to be happy. Is that so hard to ask? One more rejection, one more flask. Down that shit S, it'll be better tomorrow... Or will it? Probably not. The best you can do is an addict for 5 years and a family dinner once its all over to make the new year "better." You'll always be helping others. Never yourself.

(..sing me to sleep..) ((211208♪03:28a)) R.I.P Grandma it's been a year without you and everything has changed except the part where we miss you that part will always be the same <3

(..sing me to sleep..) ((191208♪02:36p)) newsfeed told me today that you're "in a relationship" didn't tell me with who though. i wasn't sad. like i normally would have been. i didn't get upset like i used to. i didn't even get angry. instead, inside me, in the pit of my stomach, i felt like throwing up. i felt sick. nauseous. and i don't know why. i don't get what that means. what that feeling is. but it's still sitting in a disgusting way in the core of me. i still want to throw up. and i'm pretty sure it's not the leftover nausea from last night's drinking extravaganza. i'm pretty sure positive i was fine until i saw that. i got all last nights throwing up done early this morning. this is induced by you. i'm glad you don't make me sad, angry, or upset anymore. i'm apparently repulsed by you. you obviously make me sick now. and i'd rather have it that way have an unsettled sickness in my stomach, just waiting, lurching, pining to come up again, than cry another damn tear over your stupid self. your fucked up, money stealing, drug fiending, using, lying, sex-addicted self. i'm glad all the rest of my friends hated you long before they even knew what happened. i'm really happy to know i'm not the only one that you've fucked over royally. and now you can add me to the list of people who want your neck. i'm not angry i just don't like throwing up.

(..sing me to sleep..) ((161208♪02:09p)) [ mood | okay ] it's going to take a little while for you not to be the first thing on my mind in the morning and one of the last things i think about before i go to sleep but i'm liberated. i'm feeling good. it's going to take some time to get over all the shit you put me through all the hurt you threw me into but it's going to happen and it's going to feel great. and maybe it'll take a few years to forget the things you said to forget the things we did but i'll get over it and i'll love again. so maybe you lied to me and maybe i believed you and i might feel dumb now, and i might feel torn apart but feelings fade and the hurt inside memories die and life goes on and i'll get over it. and in twenty years when i am where i am when i am happy and loved and loving again where will you be? i won't know. and i won't care. i should have known it wouldn't work out. i should have moved on years ago, but i held so much doubt inside that i would never find another that no one would ever love me that even if you didn't love me as much as i loved you at least i had you. but i never really did. you couldn't even rely on yourself but i relied on you. i relied on the comfort and the hope. i relied on your voice and your eyes i relied on your kiss, your height, your touch. i only got those things every now and then but for the time looking back i guess it was enough. but now i'm older wiser more destroyed by you than ever but i don't feel it. maybe i never will. just like you never did. and you never could. i was great, you were gone i was a mess, you were worse. i was alive, and you were always dead inside. how did i hold on? how did i hold hope? why did i bother? maybe one day i'll know. but even if it never clicks even if i never come to an answer at least i know this: i was better and you were worse. but we were never in it for the long haul. and i'm okay with that. it's okay.

(..sing me to sleep..) ((161208♪02:00p)) ironically enough, after last night, (sunday night,) i feel amazing and free. ahhhh so happy. so relieved. i never imagined i could feel this great after all of that. but i do. and i love it. life is good.

(..sing me to sleep..) ((161208♪03:23a)) OMGHHHHH!!!!!! AS OF RIGHT NOW I HAVE A 3.417 GPA FOR THE SEMESTERRRR!!! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!! 2 MORE GRADES TO GO AND I MIGHT BE DOING THE BEST I'VE EVER DONE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!! OMGH I LOVE MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(..sing me to sleep..) ((141208♪03:02a)) i wanted to write this last night but i was too busy trying to see through the tears.. so here goes, it'll be short, b/c i just got out of work an hour ago and need to be back in at 10.30.. 7 hours.. woo hoo.. anyway.. last night on the phone when you broke it off i was listening to MBR. most people are going to be like "wow big fucking deal," but honestly every single song that played at that point was like the soundtrack to our shitty excuse for a relationship. "i hope you choke on every word you spoke." when we hung up "the greatest fall of all time" was playing. "we made promises we couldn't keep & every night we couldn't sleep i didn't know why but didn't ask questions because it was the first time in my life where i did something right i set myself up for the greatest fall of all time. . . don't press your luck, don't press your luck . . ." idk there's just so much more there that i can't even begin to quote.. just go read the song.. http://www.plyrics.com/m/matchbookromance.html look at all the lyrics. everything that came on during our conversation had so much to do with us. so much to do with every situation we've ever been in. it's the soundtrack to our relationshit. you did use me. i'm not fucking stupid. it took you nearly 5 years, but you got what you wanted. some sorry news for you though, you lost your bet. fucker. ugh i don't want to be mad at you. i really don't. but i'm so fucking confused. how the fuck can you say you love me, that you're IN LOVE WITH ME, that i'm you're "new addiction" and then fucking dump my ass, kick me to the curb, only a few days later? how am i SUPPOSED to feel about that? honestly? and all cos i wouldn't fucking say/do something over the phone? wow i'm sorry you need a girl with an IQ of a 5 year old to keep up with you.. since you said you "need someone as dumb" as you are. wtf is that supposed to mean? and how the FUCK can you say that I deserve better? who the fuck are you to tell me what you deserve? i don't give a fucking shit if you're self-esteem is that fucking low, don't tell me i fucking deserve better. i always felt like i loved you more. i feel like this proves it. and i get it, you said you wouldn't be doing this if you didn't care, but i feel like you might have held on and been able to fucking resist other stupid dumb hoe bitches (like the ones you obviously tend to find aside from myself) if you really cared more about me. idk fuck that shit. i'm so fucking angry right now. UGH I'M NOT FUCKING NORMAL. instead of getting upset i just get pissed to all and every extent. WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?! ugh this better be some sort of fucking "break-up grieving stage" because if it isn't, i'm going to fucking curl up and die. i'm just so sick of being angry. and i'm so sick of getting hurt. and i'm so sick of being the girl who always gets her heart smashed into pieces. i'm sick of being broken. and having my heart broken over & over again. almost always by you. you have officially found more ways than any other human could ever possibly find, to break my heart. one fragile, tiny little thing, and you have smashed it more times than humanly imaginably possible. you have taken it so many times and thrown it from the highest peak, from the tallest mountain, from the most grandiose building.. i can't even begin to describe how fucking SICK this situation makes me. how much i want to gag at the fact that i'm sitting here writing this. maybe this was my last straw. how the HELL could you fucking ask me earlier this week what i would do if you proposed to me and then fucking break up with me, DAYS later?! what the fuck is wrong with you? aside from the fucking obvious. like honestly. fuck you. don't tell me you didn't lead me on. don't tell me you aren't being an asshole. i get that you need to focus on you and your well-being. but don't fuck with me in the process. i'm sick of being brought down with you. i'm so incredibly sick of it. this is it. you've blown your chance. there is NO MORE you and me. i fucking HATE saying that. but i can't let the same person break my heart this many times anymore. i never will. not again. i can't take it. and i shouldn't have to. i don't know if i can do better. i don't even know if i can ever find anyone else. because you've been my 5 year complication, and idk where else to go at this point. but all i know is i can't handle you and your complicated confusing boy bullshit anymore. i need a mature person who is going to be able to handle me and his life and want nothing more than me when he looks at another girl. not some boy who tells me another girl who asked him out is a 10, not even when i fucking pry, unless i straight up ask for a number scale with whole-hearted honesty. cos seriously, way to make me feel like shit. this week sucked. and you sucked this week. and i'm sick of the fucking holidays. i fucking hate this time of year more than anything. fuck december. forget it already. xoxo xforgetdecembrx.

(..sing me to sleep..) stolen from somone's xanga.. pretty appropriate if you ask me.. ((141208♪02:50a)) Life is about trusting your feelings & taking chances, losing and finding happiness. Appreciating the memories and learning from the pain & realizing that people always change. One day she's going to get over you, and on that day you're going to realize that you love her. learn to appreciate what you have before time forces you to appreciate what you had I will get over you eventually, I mean you never really were mine anyways. But please stop messing with me…. Every time I want to give up on him, there's always something inside telling me to just give it some time. Oh yes, the past can hurt. But, you can either run from it or, learn from it. -The Lion King

(1 ...sing me to sleep... ..sing me to sleep..) i wonder if this will work... ((141208♪02:50a)) Life is about trusting your feelings & taking chances, losing and finding happiness. Appreciating the memories and learning from the pain & realizing that people always change.   One day she's going to get over you, and on that day you're going to realize that you love her.   learn to appreciate what you have before time forces you to appreciate what you had         I will get over you eventually, I mean you never really were mine anyways. But please stop messing with me….   Every time I want to give up on him, there's always something inside telling me to just give it some time.   Oh yes, the past can hurt. But, you can either run from it or, learn from it. -The Lion King         if you believed me when i said i'm over him, you're way too gullible.   pictures never replace having been there memories good or bad will bring tears. and words' can never replace feelings.   sometimes you have to stop waiting for someone to come along and fix what's wrong. maybe you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself and realize that no one else has the answer. sometimes you have to be your own hero.   - - LC. Laguna Beach          & the things i remember best are the things i wasnt suppose to do, & i did them anyway. the thing is, life is too damn short to be following these rules -* Greys Anatomy       but when i look in the mirror, i see a girl who's been through so much, and yet, still finds a way to smile at the past. she still loves with all her heart, or what's left of it. and when you see her walking in the hallway i can guarentee you she'll have her head up high faking a smile just one last time. and for all those people who try to break her, trust me, you never will   She's classy, unlike the other girls. She knows herself and she knows that she's not perfect, but she spends her time having fun and doing the best with what shes got.

(..sing me to sleep..) ((121208♪03:14p)) i got what i wanted. and now i don't know if it's worth it. it's been so difficult this week.. you've been so difficult. i'm not sure i want this anymore. but i feel like if i let you go i'll just lose myself again. what the fuck is wrong with me?

(..sing me to sleep..) even more quotes / ((191008♪12:41a)) “Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.” ~Edna St. Vincent Millay quotes (American poet and dramatist, 1892-1950) “I miss you when something really good happens, because you are the one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you are the one who understands me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry because i know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you all the time, but I miss you most when i lay awake at night and think of all the wonderful times we spent with eachother;for those were some of the best times of my life.” ~Unknown “I try to talk to you, but I don't know what to say. I am afraid you don't want me to say anything. So I don't. But inside of me there are words waiting to come out.And tell you how I feel-like how I miss you. And how I love you despite my broken heart.And how I need you in my life. And especially how much I want you.But those words may forver stay in my heart-locked inside.Sometimes I wonder if there are words locked inside you too... but I'll never know.” ~Unknown “Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” ~Neil Gaiman quotes “Sometimes only one person is missing and the whole world seems depopulated.” ~Alphonse de Lamartine As soon as forever is through, I'll be over you. ~Toto ((i hate blurty cos i had this ready to post with A TON more quotes and it disappeared :-( stupid backdating bullshit. so lame. i'll add more quotes later...))

(..sing me to sleep..) HA niiice. ((191008♪12:33a)) Did you know America ranks the lowest in education but the highest in drug use? It's nice to be number one, but we can fix that. All we need to do is start the war on education. If it's anywhere near as successful as our war on drugs, in no time we'll all be hooked on phonics. ~Leighann Lord In the 1960s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal. ~Author Unknown

(..sing me to sleep..) ((171008♪12:19p)) i miss you so much.

(..sing me to sleep..) ((290908♪12:11a)) you're the bad habit i just can't quit you're the addiction i can't quite kick you're the reason my mind goes a mile a minute. :-\ i miss you so much. and every time i get lonely, you're the first thing on my mind. i can't go a day alone without you being in my thoughts. without your health and well-being in my prayers without you in my heart. it sucks. i can't stand it. i hate it. have you ever felt like your world is crashing down on you? but only in one aspect? like you're losing hope and losing feeling? you've become nearly numb and the only thing you can feel is how weird that numbness feels? that's how i get with you sometimes. that's how i get without you sometimes. you're a ridiculously addicting drug. and i don't mean that insensitively. i'm trying so hard to get over you because i feel like our conversation back in July, before you went back to the place you are now, was just you saying all those things because you were lonely, or afraid of being alone. i can't take that. i hate feeling like this. i just want you to understand the things i feel for you. but i'm beginning to think you never will. i called you the other night because i missed you and things went wrong, once again, with another guy. so i wanted to hear your voice, to know you were doing okay, because as long as you're doing okay, i can find hope in something. how co-dependent of me. i wanted to listen to you talk. i wanted to hear you tell me about your day. about girls, about anything, but i just wanted to hear you. just wanted to talk to you. just wanted to know you're alright. because even if my life isn't okay, as long as you are, it makes things just a little bit better for the time being. i don't think you understand how much i would sacrifice for you if you could only straighten this whole mess of self out. what i can't figure out right now is why, if you're there, and i'm here, and there's nothing going on with us, and you can obviously find a girl anywhere you wanted to and whenever you pleased, can i not find a guy? i always find the ones that will try to get what they want and run. and it sucks. because i try so hard not to be like that. i don't want to be left out in the cold all alone. i can't do it. i can't take it anymore. i miss you so much. i just wish things would get better for you. i wish you would get better, for you. i just want to hold you, hug you, kiss you, see you, be with you, in person, hold your hand. be okay. why do i depend so much on you when you can't even depend on yourself half the time? i can't figure it out myself. i hate loving you because it hurts on the inside so much sometimes. it feels so empty so often inside of me because there's something, someone, missing. right now, and for a long time now, that someone is and has been you. will there ever be another you? i'm not sure i want that. i think all i want is the best you that you have inside of yourself. i've had you at your worst. and i've taken that and love that. i guess by "will there ever be another you?" i more or less mean will i ever meet someone else? i want to. i really do. but i want to meet someone who isn't going to have some sort of dependence issue. you know yours. the one this summer had his. it's all around me. i'm a magnet. this is why i go to my meetings, but honestly, i don't even know what to do with that anymore. i'm getting frustrated because i feel like nothing is going the way i want it to. it's taking too much time. nothing is getting fixed right away. nothing. i'm so impatient. i need to stop and just chill out for a second. i wish it were possible. i know it is. i just have to find that calm ground that i know i can grab on to and take hold of. we'll see i guess. i'm not sure how to conclude this but i want to stop writing because i want to stop thinking and i want to take a shower so i can clear my mind and be alone for a little while. i can't figure out what more to say because there is so much stuck in my mind. but i can't figure out how to end this either. i guess it'll be abrupt.. something like this......

(..sing me to sleep..) ((190908♪10:25a)) i wonder what i would be like if i never met you. i want to say i wonder what i would be like if we were never whatever we were, but i know, regardless of whenever i met you, something would have happened between us. it's a given. right? i think it is. anyway, regardless, i wonder what it would be like if nothing ever happened between us, if i never met you, if i never liked you back, if i never liked you more than you liked me. if i hadn't let you change me and my life freshman year of college. good ol' dolphy day '06. i feel like since you, i completely blow my chanced with any guy because i got into the swing of things the way you liked them. i got comfortable (somewhat) with something i never wanted to be comfortable with doing. i wanted it to be a special thing. something meaningful, something true. instead it's just a wrong way i go about getting guys. i put myself in this position (no pun intended) to get screwed over (again.. no pun intended) i really want things to be able to work out with someone without me messing it up the way i have been. i don't want to be that girl. i don't want to have a reputation at this school. i want things to be different here. they already kind of are. but they're already kind of unfortunately similar in the way i've dealt with stuff. UGHHHHHHH what do i do? i just want to change. and it's going to be so hard. i'm going to try. maybe you were put in my life to present more challenges (as if i need any more of those though.. grr) well.. those are my thoughts for right now.. sitting outside outtakes, thinking way too much. ugh. guh. grr. blah. blech. meh. the end.

(..sing me to sleep..) long time no... quote.. (!) ((270708♪04:23a)) "Our worst fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'who am I to be so brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?' Actually, who are we not to be? You are a child of God: Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some of us, it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." ~Marianne Williamson

(..sing me to sleep..) ((270708♪01:41a)) So far this summer, have you: Seen an ex? yeah Told someone I love you? yep Cried? unfortunately Been to the beach? of course Stayed up all night? floorsetttt Went shopping? mhmm Been out of state? yep Went swimming? yep i have a pool :-D Been asked out? nope Asked someone out? nope Gotten in a car with a stranger? i dont think so Lost someone close? knock on wood Slept in someone else's bed? yup Had someone else sleep in your bed? nope Been grounded? hell no lol Been in trouble with the cops? nope Regret something? nope Lied? left stuff out Been camping? no :( Got in a fight? verbal not physical Stayed in a hotel? nope Skinny dipped? nope Gone to a concert? no :( Almost died? knock on wood Met a celebrity? tamyra grey & some other ppl from rent Kissed someone? mhmmm Gone/going to summer school? nope

(..sing me to sleep..) about me... ((160708♪02:24a)) i can make a mess out of just about anything.. apparently. i can find a way to trip over or walk into something that's not even near me to begin with. i can let things go and still find a way to hold a grudge.. sometimes without even knowing it. i'm reserved, but once you get to know me, you can't shut me up. i am a quote whore, and wish i could write something so powerful that it meant as much to someone else as others' words mean and have meant to me. i like to party, but no where near as much as i used to - it makes me feel like an old fart.. and i'm not even 21 yet. i can handle pretty much anything life throws at me, but i'd love to complain once in a while too. i listen to more people than i make listen to me. partly cos i rarely open up to anyone. i'd rather help someone else than help myself. i've been heartbroken, it sucks. ironically though, i've never had a serious/long term relationship.. surprise! i just get stuck with complications. i like being pampered, but i'm not a brat. i hate when people think that because i'm from CT, and because i live in Fairfield County, that i'm a snob - i'm probably one of the most down to earth people you'll ever meet.. so shove it. my mind is complex my heart is deep i love greatly and i feel strongly. i love reading and i am a self-proclaimed nerd but i wouldn't have it any other way. i'm smarter than i look. sometimes smarter than i act. but what's the fun in being smart all the time? everyone needs to be dumb and make mistakes.. and have fun. i wrote this on a complete whim.. enjoy.

navigation [ you are now.. 20 days away from perfect ] [ would you rather | regret the past®or fear the future ]