| i have found a new love |
((121209♪03:43a)) |
"its funny to read all these words, all these posts, all the books and think they were my fingers. its easy to be positive when the sun is shining, your moms invites you over for dinner and you have a little money in your pocket. but maybe thats what they are. not books for you, but for me. letters written in the past for a injured future. to bring me back and remind me of the person that i am"
- http://askheychris.livejournal.com/
INCREDIBLE.
this man is amazing.
all that he writes is so much of what i feel. what i think.
his writing format is similar to mine, although i'm sure he is way better in quality - like everyone else in comparison to me in every aspect seemingly.. but anyway..
idk.. i stumbled across his stuff from looking at a friends twitter update with a frame he made.
i ordered it's mate.
it says:
"i want scars
not band aids
i want stories
not regrets"
or something along those lines
and of course that is how i feel
so i bought it.
it's not like i can sleep anyway
you're mad at me and it's bothering the living hell out of me.
i don't want to do anything right now except talk things out
what the hell has come over me? i'm not this girl.
i'm never this girl.
i'm never the girl who sits in silence waiting to say something.
i'm the girl who says it
gets it over with
the girl who speaks her mind
with you, i've held my tongue.
because i don't want to mess anything up
yet by holding my tongue
and sitting my ground (yes sitting)
i blew it all in less than an hour.
i'm amazing
...at fucking things up...
(you forgot that last part when you texted me the other night, it seems..)
i can't handle much more of the let downs
you had me so excited and so happy
and now it's all gone to shit
one day there will be a happier me, right?
a less ruined, less broken version?
i keep telling myself it'll all come in due time
but i'm not sure i believe me.
i'm not sure i ever will.
i called my past tonight to see what i did wrong in the present
my past told me the same thing my present did
so what is my future going to think? is there a future?
it's like the center of a tootsie pop... the world (my world in this case, because i am, in fact, tiny and miniscule, unimportant to the larger world, at best..) may never know.
sometimes i think i need to be medicated again
but then i fear this will all go away
the writing
the feeling
the real, true, hard caring me
i'm hard pressed to say it would still be there
if it is it would be dormant.
who the hell can actually write when they're happy anyway?
authors and artists are all splattered onto one canvas
we are the canvas of broken people
not a single line we carve, etch, write, or sing will ever be a whole one
there is always some way it will falter.. break off.. at one point or another it will look like it fell apart
because at the times when the art is the best, it is a time when we are broken the worst (or best)
it's just the way it goes
and there is no moving around it
no stopping it
one day maybe i'll prove me wrong
but i highly doubt it.
i think that if you have talent you are broken
scarred
bruised
cut
torn
all of the above and then some
i drank alone tonight
i did not drink to get drunk
i thought it would comfort me
and i got bored to shit. to pieces.
i drank maybe a full gulps worth all-in-all
the sprite bottle mixed from a few weeks ago is now at my side
still more than half full (i am not optimistic tonight though)
and i feel nothing
i am still anxious
broken
bruised
beat up
torn apart
and sleepless
and it will remain
and i will remain
and medication will stay away
for now anyway..
we'll see where i go.
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(..sing me to sleep..)
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((301109♪01:08a)) |
In a way I feel like I've stopped feeling anything.
Like I can't feel the appropriate things at certain times.
All I feel at those times is nothing. Or numbness.
And it feels wrong.
I want to feel
And I want to feel right...
Proper...
Is that even possible anymore?
I can't figure out how to gt back to feeling the right way about things.
In a way I'm not sure I ever really did
Which throws me for an even worse loop...
It confuses me
Makes me think harder
More in depth
Even more, it's cause for greater concern...
Do I get medicated? Does talking make it better?
What works?
What has worked?
Has anything?
What will?
I don't want to go through my life always needing medication or almost always having to go back to needing it...
I want to feel normal, I want to be normal... on my own...
I just want to know it's a possibility.
I don't know if i'd consider myself depressed..
I'm lost, if anything, and sometimes I find myself stuck
In a rut, in a sad ditch, a deep gaping hole, that I'm just trying to find a ladder to climb out on.
I'm trying so hard to get out.
But what can I do that is going to make my grades better?
My motivation come back?
Set my priorities straight again?
Is there anything?
I'm scared I'm failing yet I can't find a way to pick myself up and give 2 shits.. I just freak out and worry and hope for the best..
Ugh
I need help....
Now.
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(..sing me to sleep..)
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| incredible.. |
((120709♪02:53a)) |
Your Daily Horoscope: July 11, 2009
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec 21)
You could be ready to do some traveling, or make a change of residence, but either of these possibilities is about a disturbance in the home. This disturbance could be anything from being bored and irritable, to an overwhelming desire to break free of your current situation. If you are planning on moving, today is a good day for making contacts with landlords or real estate agents. If traveling, make sure all your arrangements are in place before leaving.
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(..sing me to sleep..)
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((180609♪12:31a)) |
so i have this feeling inside and it sucks
partly because i'm not sure what it is/means
and partly because when i concentrate on it, it's screaming out to me how incredibly lonely i am.
how much it hurts that ryan fucked me over.
how much i'm hurting myself letting guys use me.
how did i go from super virgin to super whore in the matter of 4 years?
i just can't get out of this rut.
i got out when i had someone to hold on for. when i had ryan.
i have nothing, no one right now, and it kills me. i hate being so alone.
and i hate him for being alright without me.
for never missing me.
for never thinking about me.
i wish i knew if i crossed his mind at least once.
i want to hate him so much.
but all i feel is hurt.
hardened painful deep seated hurt.
i'm not sure why i get like this sometimes
and when i get like this i'm not sure why things always revert back to him.
it's fucking annoying and i can't stand it.
sometimes i feel like never knowing what loving someone is like would be better than knowing and losing.
i don't think i agree with that old saying . . .
"it is better to have loved and lost than to never loved at all.."
yea i'm not so sure that's incredibly true.
i just want someone whose going to be there at night.
someone whose going to be there when i need them.
not 24/7, i need my space and i know people need theirs as well
but i just want something... someone who cares
someone to show they care
someone who loves me.
i miss it. i miss having someone to talk to at night.
someone to say goodnight to. someone to miss.
without missing someone i'm missing everything.
if that makes any sense without sounding completely pathetic that'd be amazing.
i hate this.
i was talking to loren today and it was pointed out to me that maybe she and i are doing things because of that alone feeling.
the realization of that sucked.
hard.
i keep making all these stupid decisions, and i couldn't figure out why.
can't blame it on inebriation cos i feel like that's such a cop-out
but i definitely think she's right. she hit the nail on the head.
i don't want to feel this way anymore
i want to find someone who gives a damn
someone who i don't have to feel used by
someone i don't have to worry whether or not they'll still talk to me the next day or week or month later...
who i don't feel like i have to do bad things with in order to keep around
and i want to be able to hang out with guys without being worried that they're going to find out my number or who i've hooked up with.
i need to fucking stop this crap.
i'm going to scream.
i want to so bad.
ugh...
please, someone save me.
or at least help me save myself...
i'm going to go read... hopefully some insight will come with it.
God, running on 2 hours of sleep and a 1 hour nap all day is the dumbest thing i've done in a long time.
especially since i'm sick.
I need to freakin grow up.
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(..sing me to sleep..)
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| thoughts on graduate graduation day |
((160509♪01:18p)) |
While sitting brooding about the fact that I'm not graduating and thinking I should have just gone to SHU to begin with for oh so many reasons, I realized that had I not gone to le moyne I probably would not even know what I want to do. I most likely wouldn't be going into victim's psych because certain things would not have happened and I never would have taken victimology which incidentally was one of my fave courses I've ever taken.
I still wish I was graduating this year with all of my friends and class mates, but honestly if I'm happier where I am and I'm okay doing what I'm doing, then why does it matter? It shouldn't. Not that it doesn't, because it still kind of sucks, but I have awesome new classmates, I have amazing sisters, and I get to spend time with family that I wouldn't have gotten to spend in the first place had I stayed in syracuse. I kind of regret not being around to spend more time with my grandma before she passed and now I can spend more time with the rest of my family, and God forbid anything happens I am here.
I think I'm beginning to ramble, or the guy speaking at graduation is rambling... And I'm just getting distracted... Either way I'm gonna end this. I love being able to do this stuff on my phone. Oh crackberry you save me.
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(..sing me to sleep..)
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((050509♪01:20p)) |
i'm falling apart all over again.
i can't imagine CT without all my sisters. without all my shu friends...
i'm not really sure what i'm going to do now..
and you are so complicated and can't just tell me if you're flirting or if that's just how you are.
i like you and i'm beginning to thing it's yet another fail moment in a long line of FML's.
ughhh
i don't want summer.
i want school without the work
i want my friends
i want my family - my Theta Phi Alpha family.
my Alpha class..
i'm going to be so lost..
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(..sing me to sleep..)
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| fb info |
((050409♪09:21p)) |
i can make a mess out of just about anything.
i can find a way to trip over or walk into something that's not even near me to begin with.
i can let things go and still find a way to hold a grudge.. sometimes without even knowing it.
i'm reserved, but once you get to know me, you can't shut me up.
i am a quote whore, and wish i could write something so powerful that it meant as much to someone else as others' words mean and have meant to me.
i can handle pretty much anything life throws at me, but i'd love to complain once in a while too.
i listen to more people than i make listen to me. partly cos i rarely open up to anyone.
i've been heartbroken, it sucks.
ironically though, i've never had a serious/long term relationship.. surprise!
i just get stuck with complications.
i like being pampered, but i'm not a brat.
i hate when people think because i'm from CT, and i live in Fairfield County, that i'm a snob - i'm probably one of the most down to earth people you'll ever meet.. so shove it.
my mind is complex
my heart is deep
i love greatly
and i feel strongly.
i love reading
and i am a self-proclaimed nerd
but i wouldn't have it any other way.
i'm smarter than i look.
sometimes smarter than i act.
but what's the fun in being smart all the time?
everyone needs to be dumb and make mistakes.. and have fun.
i wrote this on a complete whim..
enjoy.
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(..sing me to sleep..)
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| =) |
((230309♪03:33a)) |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 content |
] |
i've come to realize that in life, there will always be times you look back at and think "i miss that"
but overall, how much can you miss before it interferes with allowing to make new memories and new good times?
i was looking back at pictures from last semester - not on purpose, i just happened to come across some of them while looking through pics of my friends and defaults and what not (since i'm up at 3:30 AM what else am i supposed to do?)
anyway.. i got to pictures from when we all used to hang out at the guys' place "across the way" at park ridge and i saw some of the guys together and knew it was one of my pictures and there's pictures of us girls over there.. playing pong, just regular nightly activities, and i really just miss it
and i am SO happy that my life is back.
my regular, last semester life has now been added back into my life, along with my new life. my spring semester newness.
i have sisters now.
i have a family.
and my friends are part of that family.
and i'm meeting more people, making more friends, extending that family.
and i couldn't love it anymore.
on the drive home from dodgeball tonight i realized just how much i really do love my life.
i have everything i could possibly ask for right now.
money might be tight, and things might be a little rough in that aspect,
but as for friends and a place to call my own, i have that.
and i am making a name for myself
and i am meeting new people and making myself more known.
and i love it.
and that feels good.
it feels amazing.
i love my life.
i really do.
and as much as i might have going on
i really can't even begin to explain in words how much i love my current situation.
sure it might be because i'm getting attention in ways i'm not used to, but that's just half the fun =)
i also am making friends that i know will always, without fail, be by my side.
people who i can keep in touch with and know that i can talk to.
people i'm comfortable with, who i can relate to on such an incredible level.
and while they may be some people i can't stand, i don't HAVE TO stand them. and that's the beauty of it.
i have 40+ sisters.. i don't have to like them all, lol.
and of course, i don't. but that's besides the point.
anyway.. i just wanted to come on here and give a happy update.
because i have one.
and that's fantastic =)
i love being happy.
and i love my life.
and i hope that doesn't change from here on out.
i never want to feel low again.
because this high, on life, is just so incredible.
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(..sing me to sleep..)
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| random survey cos i have no life or motivation. |
((160309♪10:16p)) |
Do you still have pictures of you and your ex-bestfriend?
yep. lots of them. with lots of ex best friends. people are so temporary lately. it sucks.
Who's the last person you had a sleepover with?
stephie, manda, kt, n britt up in new britain =)
Who was the last person you yelled at?
prob my mom. or those guys at manda n kt's house.
When was the last time you saw your best friend?
sarah, over a week ago, tammy on wednesday last week into thurs morning.. she made me sleep on a scary top bunk *insert scared face here*
Would you date the person who last posted this?
i have no idea who posted this, i just found it somewhere.
Are you happy right now?
i guess.. i'm not incredibly unhappy.
Do you regret anything that you have done?
never regret anything because at one point it's what you wanted.
Do you trust people?
i used to, too much. now i don't at all. it has its ups and downs. but i'd rather not trust and be safe than trust and get hurt again at this point.
Last piercing you got?
my rook. frosh year at LMC with Kendra <3
What your favorite beverage?
coffee. alcohol. water. you know.. the usual.
Do you lie to your parents?
hahahahaha. if i said i didn't, i'd be lying to you. and so would everyone else who says they don't. i guess i don't so much lie as i leave out details or just don't tell them things.. but either way.. it's a form of dishonesty.
Do you like making out or little kisses more?
i love making out, but little kisses are the best <3 esp when cuddling.
How many people have you kissed?:
am i really supposed to count? that's a lot. like... well over 20.. that i can remember... fuck.. i'm a kisslut.
Do you know anybody who's had an abortion?:
yes. a few actually.
Do you have a best friend?
more than one. cos i'm not in Kindergarten - i can have more than one now.
but absolutely Tammy and Sarah.
When will you kiss the last person you kissed?:
prob never.. unfortunately. he was an awesome kisser.. and i've only liked him for like 3 years, but you know.. it doesn't matter.... *blah*
Who was the last person to call you?
Tammy M Mulrooney.
Do you drink more water or juice?
aguaaaa.
How different are you from three years ago?
incredibly. i don't think i'm even the same person.
Your view on weed?
my view is that it's not in front of me, so i can't see it.
Do you hate being alone?
yes.
Do you get along with girls?
some girls. but for the most part, girls piss me off.
Last person you were in the car with besides your family?
uhmmm... cheri?
And when did you last see them?
Sat night =)
Is there anyone who doesn't like you?
yes. i'm sure there's some i don't know of.
Do you sleep a lot?
not enough.
If someone liked you right now would you want them to tell you?
yes. i'm sick of never knowing and finding out when it's too late.
Do you like to cuddle?
so much.
Ever liked someone that you didn't think you stood a chance with?
always.
How was your New Years?
interesting and amazing and stressful all at once.
Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
nope..
Honestly, has anyone ever seen you in your underwear?
haha yea, i walk around in my undies on the daily.
Made out for more than a half hour straight?
most likely. i don't time my make-out sessions. sorry.
Want someone you can't have?
i'm not really sure..
Will you be in a relationship in 4 months?
prob not.. rawr. i don't wanna talk about it.
Kissed someone in the last 72 hrs?
no..
Are you dating the very last person you kissed?
no *insert pout face here*
Ever liked someone older than you?
a few months? lol yea?
Don't you hate when you have to get up early on the weekends?
omgh i don't wanna talk about it.
How far away is the person you miss?
rawr. 5 hours right now i think? and there's a bunch of them up there. <3 LMC - I miss you babies.
Did you get a full 8 hours of sleep last night?
uhmmm... not consecutively, but yea, altogether i did.
Do you find the opposite sex confusing?
incredibly. *ughh*
If you were to die today would your life be complete?
well technically speaking.. it would be complete in that it's over. but no. it would not be fulfilling enough. i haven't done half the things i'd like to, i never really fell in love, and i never made a difference. that i know of anyway.
Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you?
nope, oddly enough. not that i know of anyway.
First person to speak to you in 09?
I don't remember.. I'm pretty sure it was Jeff since he was right next to me.
Were you happy when you woke up today?
no, i wanted to keep sleeping lol
How long does it take for you to take a shower?
30 mins to an hour. I'm a girl.
If you were kicked out of your current residence whom would you stay with?
prob at my house in Trumbull since it hasn't sold yet.
How did you do on the last test you took?
75.. a lot better than the 57 i got on the last test in that class.. perfect opposite.
Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months without cheating?
yes. completely. without being cheated on, no. but i would never. cos i know how much it sucks/hurts.
Is there someone who you can spend every minute with and be happy?
...idk... i can't spend too much time with the same person or i get in fights with them usually. unhealthy.. i know. i just get smothered too easily. Tammy n I spend a lot of time together though.
What were you doing last night at 11?
what was yesterday? Sunday? driving home from my ΘΦΑ meeting
Have you ever been given roses?
by my family... and i think a Valentine's date in 3rd grade.
i guess i hit my prime early.
Do you think it's bad to have sex at your age?
absolutely not.
Who was the last person you said I love you to?
Tammy I think lol. but in an "in love" sense.. no comment.
Promise to be honest?
always.
Is your heart broken right now?
no.. just lonely.
When is the next time you’ll kiss someone?
no clue :-\
Do you think that marrying your 3rd cousin is okay?
absolutely not. i'm from the North. thanks.
Are you happy right now?
i guess.. for the most part..
Is your current hair color mostly your natural hair color?
a little darker with more red in it - i just dyed it the other day.
What is on your wrist(s) right now?
my shakespeare bracelet. and no i'm not joking.
What does your hair look like right now?
messy bun with bangs down and my juicy sunglasses on top of my head. of course.
What do you like better: hot choclate or hot apple cider?
depends on my mood.
Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?
yep. i love my boys <3
Are you wearing any clothes that don’t belong to you?
right now? no.
Are you looking forward to anything?
does the end of semester count? installation =)
and hopefully dolphy day!
Would you ever donate blood?
i have =)
Do you care if people hate you for no reason?
it kind of bugs me, yea. but in a way i don't really care. i guess it depends who and what not.
Do you think everyone deserves a second chance?
it depends...
Is there someone you will never forget?
yes. more than one.
Are you currently reading a book?
unfortunately, no. school gets in the way of my leisurely intellectual pleasure.
Can you make brownies without looking at the instructions?
hellll noooo. i don't even know how to make them with instructions. are you crazy? i can't cook :(
Honestly, if you could go back one month and change something would you?
one month? no. nothing bad has happened within the past month that i'd take back.
Are you someone who worries too often?
only about some things.
Do you get drunk every weekend?
generally
What time did you wake up today? Why?
uhmm 11, cos i had piano lessons at 12:45
Is it warm outside?
warmer than it has been.. does that count?
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(..sing me to sleep..)
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| trust... can i trust you? |
((100309♪07:49p)) |
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fake people lead fake lives, and fake lives foster lonely hearts.
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(..sing me to sleep..)
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((110109♪10:40p)) |
i'm in florida right now with my dad, visiting family.
you'd think i'd be happy.
i mean it's freakin FLORIDA for crying out loud!
in the middle of january!
how much better can you get? (aside from hawaii or some island)
and yet i feel empty and like i'd rather be home..
with my girls.
out at ziggy's or wild wings or doing whatever in the world we would be doing tonight.
but those two are probably where they are.
and i'm not.
why the hell am i not happy to be in florida?
i'm on vacation. no work for a week.
no responsibilities for a week.
no one to answer to really.
just me.
just me my dad and met's fantasy camp and some family.
what the hell is wrong with me?
and i can't stop thinking about the fact that as i write this,
as the lack of communication continues, i'm probably blowing things with you.
if there is anything to begin with.
oi.
i don't get me.
i don't get anything anymore.
i'm just a confused dumb tired person.
blah.
i don't know what more to write, really.. i just had to get that all out.
it was on my mind and i'm confusing myself with what i'm feeling.
or lacking in feeling.
hopefully it's just me being overtired from lack of sleep and travelling.
nighty night.
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(..sing me to sleep..)
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| don't tell me your lies, don't tell me your truths |
((100109♪10:04p)) |
would you ever know that inside of this girl
the one so happy on the outside
that she's completely shattered on the inside?
she's working her way out of it
she's gotten rid of the toxicity in her life
but still there's so much more
so much missing
so much left to find.
she knows what she wants
but every time she finds it
it doesn't want her back.
every time she decides, every time she feels
nothing comes of anything
never say never
well she thinks you're a liar.
she never thinks you're telling her how you really feel.
never say never
well she thinks that's untrue
because you'd feel like never if you were in her shoes.
she doesn't understand
how you know what she does and does not deserve
she can't comprehend the meaning in your words
she can't figure out
how everyone can so confidently say
that someone will find her one day
that prince charming will come
and sweep her off her feet
because, in her words,
"it happens to everyone but me."
so at night she sits alone and thinks
about where he's sleeping
who he's kissing
"anyone but me."
so you tell her again and again
don't ever say never
because never will always come
to those who seem down
who are hurt
but don't go numb
never say never
well i think you're a liar
who are you to tell her she will find an admirer
never say never
well i think you're pretty dumb
because who are you to tell her somewhere someone is her "one?"
so keep feeding me lines
tell me how amazing i am
but never will i ever truly believe them.
because never have i ever
had a guy in my life
who cares about me
as much as they say
and never have i ever had someone feel the same way.
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(..sing me to sleep..)
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| thoughts |
((050109♪11:19a)) |
i really miss lemoyne.
i'm trying to think about why exactly i left..
i was embarassed.
the white girl, dropping from LPiU - and i wanted it so bad.
it wasn't a lack of wanting that made me drop.
it was a lack of respect toward me from, not the hermanas, but my own LS's.
who, mind you, don't even talk to me anymore and give me nasty ass looks when they see me.
real mature.
so much for sisterhood - if that's how they were going to be, i'm glad i dropped, i guess.
but i just can't figure out why i had to leave lemoyne.
i get that i was doing poorly again with my grades.. but why couldn't i just bring myself to take the semester off?
let everything blow over?
not that i'm not happy i'm home - because if i hadn't come home, i wouldn't have met sarah and everyone, and i wouldn't have gotten close to tammy again.
or maybe i would have.
but it would have been a lot suckier to leave here.
but i never really missed home.
i never really missed ct.
i left for stupid reasons.
ryan was home and i couldn't handle everything going on with him.
i was dropping from a sorority that i probably could have made it through.
but my grades were terrible because of both things.
and on top of that i had lost a person who was more like a mother, at times, to me than my own mother.
are those stupid reasons?
i know one of them is, definitely.
but how can a group of girls tell you not to smile when it's something you're known for?
how can a group of people tell you not to speak, when that's the only way you know how to let things out?
how can they tell you that you can't go online and write things like this, when it's the only comfort you really know?
and how could someone bring their grades up from nearly failing, yet another semester, to salvage the 2.5 and bring it back up to the 3.1 that she had and wants back so badly?
i'm at SHU and i have a 3.0
i'm not pledging.. that i'm sure of anyway.. even though i sort of want to.. i'm just not sure why anymore..
maybe that's my problem.
i make so many decisions that i'm just not sure of.
i'm not sure why i make them.
i'm not sure why i want to.
up until Thanksgiving break, i was having the best time of my life here.
i had awesome friends (or so i thought)
i was always out (if i wasn't working)
and, until that point, there was MINIMAL drama.
it follows me i swear.
the drama, the craziness.
i need to go to a meeting tonight but this is the first time in, i think, over a month that OTH and Gossip Girl are back on and I've been waiting for it, OTH at least, for so long.
maybe i just need a girl's night.
idk the bottom line is, i miss LMC.
i miss my friends there.
i don't miss the drama,
but i was comfortable.
i had my niche.
i was kind of alone, moreso than i am here,
but i knew my place, i knew who i had.
i knew who my group was, generally.
my body might have left, but my heart never did.
the only thing is, there's only, seemingly, one person there who misses me.
so why do i miss a place so much that holds one person who cares at all that i left?
if i left any other place would people care?
if i left SHU i don't think anyone would care
solely because i don't really have anyone here.
not anymore.
not if i ever even did.
but i would miss dianna and beth and tessa.
ugh how did i go from having this whole huge group to having 3 people, at a school with more than 2 thousand.
i can understand at LMC how i would have a small group at times, with 2,000 people you might as well be back in HS. everyone knows everything, you do anything and the world there will judge and belittle you.
but here?
maybe i just haven't met the right people.
maybe there are no right people.
who knows.
all i know is i definitely fit in better at LMC than i think i ever will here.
and i miss that.
i miss walking around and knowing everyone who walked by.
or being associated with so many different people.
i hate this.
i want to go back.
but by the time i did, it would be pointless.
everyone is graduating this year.
everyone but me.
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(..sing me to sleep..)
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((020109♪01:59a)) |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 refreshed |
] |
well boys & girls, it's that time of year again.
the time when you say out with the old
and in with the new.. or so we like to think.
so in the spirit of the new year holiday here are some resolutions i'd like to stick to...
1.) complete an original song on piano.
2.) complete an original song, overall. (lyrics included)
3.) WORK OUT ON A REGULAR BASIS NO MATTER HOW BUSY YOU ARE!
4.) keep my GPA up at a 3.0 or higher.
5.) STOP BEING SO DAMN INDECISIVE!!
6.) stop making decisions you know you'll regret afterward..
[a.] if you want something don't settle for anything less.
[b.] stop being so damn naive.
7.) stop smoking. for good. for real. lung cancer is not attractive.
8.) start/finish writing a story.
9.) find an internship.
10.) get a place of my own.
so there are the top ten.
i'm sure i'll think of more.
but until then, let's try to stick to those.
some goals, some stoppings, some startings, some finishings.
we'll see how it all goes.
i'm sure i'll keep you posted.
one good thing so far about this year - no more ryan in my life.
i'm feeling liberated and happy. and i've been told more than once that i have a glow about me lately.
thank you for giving me my shine back.
it feels good to be bright again.
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(..sing me to sleep..)
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((010109♪12:50a)) |
New year new help.
Never me.
I'll always be helping someone else.
And I'll always be alone in this.
I just want to be happy.
Is that so hard to ask?
One more rejection, one more flask.
Down that shit S, it'll be better tomorrow...
Or will it?
Probably not.
The best you can do is an addict for 5 years and a family dinner once its all over to make the new year "better."
You'll always be helping others.
Never yourself.
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(..sing me to sleep..)
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((211208♪03:28a)) |
R.I.P Grandma
it's been a year without you
and everything has changed
except the part where we miss you
that part will always be the same <3
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(..sing me to sleep..)
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((191208♪02:36p)) |
newsfeed told me today that you're "in a relationship"
didn't tell me with who though.
i wasn't sad.
like i normally would have been.
i didn't get upset like i used to.
i didn't even get angry.
instead, inside me, in the pit of my stomach,
i felt like throwing up.
i felt sick.
nauseous.
and i don't know why.
i don't get what that means.
what that feeling is.
but it's still sitting in a disgusting way in the core of me.
i still want to throw up.
and i'm pretty sure it's not the leftover nausea from last night's drinking extravaganza.
i'm pretty sure positive i was fine until i saw that.
i got all last nights throwing up done early this morning.
this is induced by you.
i'm glad you don't make me sad, angry, or upset anymore.
i'm apparently repulsed by you.
you obviously make me sick now.
and i'd rather have it that way
have an unsettled sickness in my stomach,
just waiting, lurching, pining to come up again,
than cry another damn tear over your stupid self.
your fucked up, money stealing, drug fiending, using, lying, sex-addicted self.
i'm glad all the rest of my friends hated you long before they even knew what happened.
i'm really happy to know i'm not the only one that you've fucked over royally.
and now you can add me to the list of people who want your neck.
i'm not angry
i just don't like throwing up.
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(..sing me to sleep..)
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Sammi*Kate 
