*i know now*im the lonely one*with no one to turn to* Sammi*Kate ..it was just a few years in the making . . . . . .he was gone when she needed him more than she could really ever let on to..

(..sing me to sleep..) ((060508♪12:25a)) so last night i was driving around, pretty upset, crying, actually (emo i know) and i ended up the beach - like i usually do. well, when i got there, i didn't end up sitting on the rocks sorting out my thoughts. instead i ended up wiping off my face and walking over to the car that had somehow hopped the curb and gotten stuck in the sand. it was a 70-something year old man who had had a little too much to drink. i called AAA for him and when the cop came i spoke with him about the fact that he had been drinking and asked him to make sure he was okay to get back on the road (which he obviously wasn't seeing as how he had hopped a pretty thick curb and nearly ended up in the water - thankfully the sand was there to stop him/jam his front tires deep enough in that he couldn't get farther into the beach to reach the water) i waited there and spoke with him, kept him company while the cop ran his license and his plates and we waited for the tow truck to come pull his car out of the sand. this man had gone through a lot - within the last year his son was hit by a car and paralyzed from the waist down. his wife has lung cancer and has a breathing tube attached through her throat. this poor man, at 70-something years old, with so much going on, and he nearly got a DUI to add to it. granted he put that on himself by drinking and driving, but still. now, after i stopped, plenty more cars had driven by, and before i had stopped, a lot of cars had surely driven by before me as well, but me, the 20 year old girl was the one to stop and have enough guts and enough heart to go up to him and ask him if he was okay and if he needed any help. i can't tell you how many times this man said thank you to me and told me how brave of a person i am and how great of a person i am. the cop said the same thing and even, jokingly (i think?) told me, for the night, i have a "get out of jail free card" and that he wouldn't kick me out of the beach if i wanted to stay. i didn't really think i was doing anything that extraordinary - if someone needs help i usually stop to help them - unless i get a bad feeling. just this past winter i pulled over for a car that had swerved off the road in the snow and ended up in a snowy ditch - i called 9-1-1 for him and made sure he was okay before leaving (he told me i didn't have to wait) i stopped on a dark windy busy route in fairfield (that i'm more than used to) and helped lead 2 lost girls, who were probably around my age or a little younger, back to the highway because they were lost. and doing all of this i never really thought i was doing anything all that extraordinary or overly nice - i figured i was just being a good person, a good citizen, doing my duty to help others when they need it - because i would only hope that someone would do the same for me if i ended up stuck in the sand, or in a snowy ditch/bank, or lost on a dark windy route that i knew nothing about. i always just thought that being a good person was a given. that helping others was what people were supposed to do. it never really hit me until last night that no one does those things because everyone is afraid of one another - no one has trust, and no one has faith in the rest of the human race. i guess i can see why - i've been hurt and screwed over plenty of times, and you hear so many things on the news about people getting stabbed or shot or hurt or kidnapped and so on for seemingly no reason.. but i always just kind of thought that it really only takes one person to get the ball rolling - if you're nice to people maybe others will see that not everyone is bad and that they can help others as well.. but that's really idealistic and hardly the way it goes. but i can't help but be a good person to others. what's the point of living a life of selfishness, greed, anger, fear, and carelessness? there isn't one. it's not like being selfish and so on gets you anywhere in life other than miserable, right? but then again, here i am, nice and kind to everyone, strangers even, and i'm sitting here, 2 nights in a row, crying over you. missing you and trying to figure out why you would lie to me and hurt me so badly. why, when you knew me like the back of your hand, would you tell me these things that you knew, in the long run, if they weren't true, they would hurt me more than anything else? why?? i just don't understand. it's almost as though karma is reversed - i'm an amazingly great person, kind, caring, compassionate, and you're this selfish addict who only wants things that will further yourself. that will feed YOUR hunger, your high. you don't care who you hurt along the way - even if it is one of the only people that cares this much about you. you're hurting your family, your mother, and the girl who most likely cares deeper about you than any of those other girls that you hang out with and get fucked up with. it makes me wonder why i try so hard to understand and deal with anything that you do. why can't i get over you? i'm 20 years old and growing up. getting my life in order, i know what i want to do with my life, and i am completely goal and future oriented. you on the other hand are 20 years old, going on 15. you hang out with high schoolers, and not even high school seniors, but kids that aren't even legally driving yet - that aren't graduating for another 2 years. kids that are my brother's damn age or a year older. you're not a catch, and you're no where near worth my time. so why does my heart keep pulling it's way back to you? why does my chest hurt every time i think of how much i miss you? why when i think of you does something pull inside of my chest as though there's a string and hook attached to something, presumably my heart, inside of there and pulling so hard at every mention, sighting, or thought of you? what do you have that i can't seem to find in anyone else? what is it about you that i can't seem to get completely turned off by you when i can always find something small and minute, or big and disgustingly repulsive about somebody else so quickly and stick with it and not get attached to them or even start liking them? but with you, even after all the hell you put me through, all the lies you've told me, all the hurt and pain and heartache you've caused me, i still can't seem to get over you - i still can't seem to fully hate you. i can't be indifferent to you. i can't stop caring. i can't stop feeling for you. i just can't stop. it's like you're my addiction. you're addicted to substance while i'm addicted to you. how does that even work? it's all so fucked up. i just want to stop feeling like this. i just want to stop feeling all of this. i want to stop writing entries about you - i want to stop relating everything back to you. i want to listen to "minstrel's prayer" without wanting to ball my eyes out or nearly and even actually balling my eyes out. i want to love cartel again. i want to listen to my favorite band without thinking of you. i want to look at pictures of you and feel nothing. but i'm not sure that will ever happen. i want to see a red car with a black bra and not think of you. i want to see a Civic and not hate them. i want to drive by your house on the way to my dad's or on the way home from his house and not look over at it. i want to drive by the Milford Lanes and not think of our first date. i want to go to Merritt and not think of you. i want to go to VIP and Penthouse and not think of you. i want to smoke a ciggarette and not have it be about you and not have a thought of you in my head. i want to sit in the center of town and not look at Porricelli's and hate it because of you, but hate it because it sucked. i want to sit at starbucks and not think of the time i saw you before the show when i had Kendra with me. i don't want everything and every place to remind me of you. i want everything to be neutral again. i want everything to be okay again. i want to be okay again. i don't want to hurt anymore. not over you at least. i want to hear of a tragedy and be sad that it happened and not think that it could have been you. i want to go months without hearing from you and not worry that you're dead on the side of a road cos you drank or smoked too much or OD'ed on some sort of drug(s). but i don't think any of that will happen. maybe some of it. maybe with time. maybe. i just wish someone made a band-aid for your heart, so that something would hold it together while you're trying to put back the pieces.

(..sing me to sleep..) ((050508♪02:00a)) i've loved you at your worst, and i know i deserve you at your best, because i love you then too, but what i'm realizing now is that even at your best, you don't deserve me at my worst.

(..sing me to sleep..) give me something worth fighting for... ((220408♪05:43p)) right now, every inch of my heart is hurting. it's like, if one thing doesn't make it worse, another will. i can't seem to get over you and with every bad thing that happens, all i want is to be with you. but i know you don't care anymore. you said you never really got over me.. you said you wanted to be together.. but look at you.. you're home and running around in the same damn circle you've been running for the longest time now and look at me.. here i am, making deals with friends, in hopes that maybe that'll stop me from getting in touch with you, cos i know i shouldn't. here i am, and all i can do is think about you. miss you. want you. it's almost like i need you. but i don't want to. anytime something goes wrong in my life, i have this need, this urge, to run to you. i'm not really sure why. it's like you're my "person," even though i know you're not. you used to be. and sometimes i thought maybe i was or at least could be yours too. i never got over you. and i mean that. i feel like i never will. and that kills me. nothing has come along and filled the void in my heart where you used to be. where you honestly still are. where i'm afraid you're always going to be. i love you but i've never told you. i would say "loved" but i'd only be lying, cos who am i kidding? i obviously still do. i want to get over you so badly. but you make it so hard. and it's not like it should be hard, considering the fact that you treat me like complete shit half the time lately. you treat me like i'm worthless, like i don't deserve your time, like i'm the one who should be waiting around for you, when the truth is, you're the one who doesn't deserve me. everyone is always telling me i'm too good for you and you're not good enough and i deserve better, but for some reason i stay wanting you. i stay missing you. i stay wishing we could be together again. when did i lose my heart to you? maybe if i could figure out how and when it happened, i could figured out how i can get it back. i didn't mean to fall for you. i didn't ask to love you. it just happened. but all these empty promises of days and time and caring, it all adds up to nothing, because they are just that - empty. you would think with everything going on, losing my grandmother, losing my house, losing just about everything, leaving school, losing myself, trying to figure out where i belong, i'd be more than okay with dropping you with each dumb and asshole thing that you do, but for some reason i am always drawn right back to you. you're one of the first, if not THE first thing on my mind when i wake up. you're on my mind all the time, at any given random moment of the day. i worry about you. i wonder where you are. what you're doing. just hoping you're not completely screwing up your life and that maybe one day you'll come back and you'll be okay. that maybe one day you'll get out of this slump that you're in, stop this downward spiral and realize that the people you're with now, aren't the ones that care the most about you - they care about getting messed up with you. they don't care about your well being. if they did, they wouldn't do these things with you - they wouldn't enable you - they wouldn't keep pulling you back down that dark alleyway, that horribly unlit path that you're on. my head is like a city, constant noise, never sleeping, always something going on. sometimes i can't tell what's going on up there but i can always tell that i'm thinking of you in some way. maybe it's because those thoughts, those feelings, are coming from my heart, not my head. or maybe it's my heart screaming over the hustle and bustle of the city that is my mind, telling me i need to put you up there instead of down in my heart, telling me i need to stop caring when i think. think without feeling, live without loving. if only it were that easy. this past weekend, up at school, a boy who i knew passed away. i don't really know how, i don't really know much of anything about what happened - i'm not sure many people do. at first someone said it had to do with partying, and when i heard that, you were the first person i thought of - because i'm so scared that you're going to kill yourself doing what you're doing. it's not like you're the kind of person who can do these things casually and just stop doing them altogether - that's not how what you have works. it absolutely breaks me into pieces that when something tragic happens, the loss of a classmate, the loss of my grandmother, anyone's passing in general, you're the first person i think of. is it because i fell for you? is it because i care too much? is it because i'm scared for you? i have no idea. maybe it's all of that. and then some. but whatever it is, i'm starting to hate it.. because with every heartbreaking thing that happens, with every little thing that could hurt me even the slightest bit occurs, i think of you and it only adds to the pain and the breaking even more. i'm so damn tired and emotionally drained. this is such an emo entry. but i can't help it.. i've got to get it all out somehow. i just wish things would get easier for once. i wish all the pain would just go away. i wish that all the bad things would just stop happening. so maybe, for once, i can focus on me, and get away from you.

(..sing me to sleep..) i [just really] want my heart back now... ((250208♪01:52a)) "There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it." ~George Bernard Shaw i saw it in OTH and re-watched the episode tonight.. and i started to think.. it's obvious that losing your heart's desire would be a tragedy.. and it's obvious why. but gaining your heart's desire? some people might not get it - i know when i first heard the quote i didn't.. but now i do.. and the reason i find in it is this... [getting your heart's desire is a tragedy - i agree.] because either way, you lose what you love one way or another. what you desired at first and obtained, it may ultimately break your heart. if it's a significant other - people lie. if it's a job - you get bored. it it's a dream - they die out. if it's something materialistic - the rush only lasts so long. but let's touch on this person idea first - you tell someone how you feel and immediately after, you are petrified of what their response is going to be. but once you get it, the fear, it goes away, because you can't change how someone else feels, just like you can't change how you feel. so before you even process it or read it or whatever-it, you prepare yourself, and you realize that whatever is said, whatever is settled on, is how it's going to be. but the thing is, what if you get the response you want - say you tell someone how much you care about them, and after you say it or send it or write it, you're scared for so long of what that person is going to say back.. and then bam, there it is, exactly what you weren't expecting - the words you were hoping to hear but didn't think you would - that they never stopped caring about you. that they never really got over you in the first place either. there it is. your heart's desire. so you sit there for a while, weeks, months, sometimes years, in this utopian, euphoric state.. that "on-air, head in the clouds" feeling, that, as cheesy as it is, and as much as some of us try to fight it, we all get when we find out things like that.. because hey, after all, we're only human. and part of that being human is letting your feelings, especially the happy or positive ones, get the best of you. so you go on and allow yourself to feel happy, to be happy, to let that happiness ease the other feelings, to phase them out. but then, slowly, things begin to happen, and your heart's desire begins to break your heart itself. begins to tear your heart apart, slowly, but surely. anything you listen to, watch, say, do, just hurts all the more - it reminds you of what your heart wanted so badly in the first place, and what it gained. and consequently, it reminds your heart, your fragile, breaking, sore heart, just what it lost as well. so how could gaining your heart's desire NOT be a tragedy? because eventually, circumstances will root against you - circumstances that you both can and cannot control, will get in the way. maybe the other person could control the circumstances if they could just see what they have going for them. if they could just keep themselves together - keep their act together - keep their nose clean.. if that's the case, the circumstances are out of your control, but of course, the hardest part of that, is realizing that you can't do anything to change it, that they're the ones who have control of the situation and that no matter what you do or say the fact remains that they're the only ones who can change it or make it better. so, let's admit you've got to be pretty dumb or out of the loop if you have no idea what i'm talking about. but i'm not just going to put it out there and say because it's not fair to the other person - even though i doubt they read this anymore ever. or that he remembers this even exists and that he read it at one point and found out that i never got over him. anyway, i guess i just wanted to get my point of view on that quote out there. i needed to put my thoughts in - i needed to get everything out of my head, between the tears and before the long awaited sleep i've been trying to get. maybe tonight i'll sleep okay. maybe you'll be in my dreams again. maybe i won't sleep at all. there's just so much going on and the things that you're doing, the fact that you won't even let me know you're okay, isn't fair. i care more about you than i care about myself half the time. i just wish you cared half as much about yourself as i do about you. i'm ending this entry with a quote from a deleted scene of OTH that i just saw. it's a good one, like all things OTH are. ( deleted scene quote from OTH )

(..sing me to sleep..) i want to save you ((180208♪01:15a)) looking at the entry i just wrote, i realize you make me write more than anyone ever has in my entire life... you're the peyton to my lucas. but i want you to be the nathan to my haley. i mean, if you had to be anything.. at least be the lucas to my peyton.. not the peyton to my luke. not the person who broke my heart and now is the inspiration to all my writings. be the one who is always saving me. or let me save you. i miss you so freakin much.. it kills me..

(..sing me to sleep..) broken hearts and promises ((170208♪10:42p)) [ mood | worried ] when is it that you start to begin to realize it may be time to give up on something? and how do you know that that feeling is right? if you fear giving up on that one thing because of the effect it might have on that thing is that a bad reason to stay? to continue? to hope? to persevere longer than you already have? even if it's been nearly 4 and a half years or, in some cases, even longer? how do you know, if you aren't getting a feeling, if you should give up on something? what if there is no feeling of lost hope or lost faith, but you should still give up on it anyway? how do you know? i've always been a person to follow through with everything, be there for everyone, see the best in the worst of both people and situations (with some exceptions, but that's not for this entry right now), and continue to believe and have faith in people and things regardless of what they've been through, gone through, or are going through. or even sometimes, what they do... to themselves or to others. but recently my faith and my hope have been tested so badly and so much that i just don't know what to do with myself anymore. i can barely focus on my schoolwork - i can barely think of anything other than this situation i find myself in. this situation i have no control over because, in reality, in the grand scheme of things, it has nothing to do with me. unless he wants it to. you asked if we could be more than friends if & when you came home... i answered you yes, as long as you kept yourself together. kept your act together. you said you were going to try. how is this trying? how is leaving trying? how is getting out of the one place that could save you trying? i was so happy when we finally were back in touch, for the millionth time, and i've always let you pull the hardest at my heartstrings.. because in all honesty, i love you, and i think i always kind of have. minus the kind of. i have been there for you through things that i never imagined i would have to watch someone go through. i was 2 when my father was sent away. when he went to get help i was too young to remember. i didn't ever want to remember someone going through something like this. but now there's you and you've just changed everything. and not so much in a bad way, not overall, i mean, you've made me a better person than i was. to myself especially. you made me realize that i was special. that i was something. that i was far from nothing. if only i could do the same for you, and maybe help you through what you're struggling with. but i have no certification, no qualifications, nothing. not yet. maybe i never will. only time will tell. and i can't save the world. and i most definitely cannot save a person who doesn't want to save himself. i have this complex, i want to save the world, i want to save everyone, everything. from people to forests, from animals to old historic buildings. i'm all about the betterment of people, the world, the environment, and the preservation of what is good, and pure. i have a soft spot for pure things. maybe it's because i've never really had a seriously okay day in my life. things have always been a mess. as far back as i can remember, and in my opinion, no one should ever have to go through a messy life. it might make you stronger, but that's only if it doesn't defeat you first. maybe something has begun to defeat you. but i wish and hope and want nothing more than for you to shut it down and beat it, get through this, and go on with your life in a healthy manner. i don't want to find out that your life ended far too short because of the decision you made not to clean up your act. i want nothing more than for you to fix everything up. and although i can honestly say i can wish for nothing more than for you to get better and for us to get back together and finally have a healthy relationship, if the latter doesn't happen, well, at least you got better, right? i just want you to be okay. i want you to live through this. i could swear you had hit rock bottom when i spoke to you before you moved away. before all of this happened again and you disappeared for the god-knows-how-many-eth time. and the fact that you keep going back, the fact that it shows that it obviously wasn't rock bottom for you, scares the hell out of me. because if that wasn't, then what will be? i will always be here for you when you clean yourself up. to be honest, i think my heart will always be waiting for you, regardless of what happens. i think my heart will always be yours, because it has been for the longest time. but i'm beginning to think i can't do this anymore. i can't do this to myself. and can't watch you do this to yourself. you're taking me down with you everytime you do this and you don't even realize it - you're taking more than yourself down. and i know you can't clean up for other people, you need to do it for yourself, but if anything, just look at yourself, and see that even though i swear i will be there for you when you need me (because i don't know how else to deal with this - i can't just turn away), i also can't watch you waste yourself away like this. it's killing me. i asked you to be honest with me, and you obviously couldn't even do that. the addiction to whatever you got yourself hooked on became too strong and now you're gone. i can't take this. i miss you. i love you. i could make you my life if you would only just get better. but now i'm beginning to question when is enough? what is enough? when is too much and what is too much? will you ever get better? or will you become another statistic? that's not what i want for you, but i'm beginning to get scared that's what you're making yourself.

(..sing me to sleep..) someone... ((200108♪01:14p)) should buy me this camera: http://www.offzhook.com/wishit_view.jsp?tl%3Dgifv%26xs_xzn%3Dxzn_k%26xs_xwk%3Dx_wk%26bmznv%3DSznnr

(..sing me to sleep..) i'm sorry but i can't just go turn off how i feel ((170108♪11:46p)) i absolutely hate this. i can't stop thinking - i'm glad i got it all off my chest, but now i'm constantly worried about whether or not you're going to read it. i want you to so badly. it's something that you just need to know. no way around it. because all i could think after the last time i spoke to you was "he never knew. i wonder if things would have been different had he known" but then again i worry that it's not the time to tell you things like this - but when the hell will it ever be a good time? it seems like nothing was ever the right time for the two of us. and i hate that. i want there to be a right time so badly. and if we do get a right time, i want it to be the last time. THE time. i want it to be a long time. but i feel absolutely crazy for saying that. i'm not crazy - i can't help how i feel. and i know that. i know how i feel doesn't make me crazy. and i know i haven't dealt with it in a crazy way - if anything i've dealt with it in too passive of a way. i keep thinking about all of this and it's so stupid because i shouldn't have to. things shouldn't be this way. i don't understand how i stick myself or get myself into situations like this. it's all just so dumb. for once i wish i could just find a boy who likes me the same way i like him. who doesn't smother me or suffocate me with attention. who knows exactly the right amount of texting and calling and IMing to do. a boy who is nice but not too nice. but isn't a complete asshole either. maybe it's too much to ask. i guess it probably is. but i just don't want to be treated like shit anymore. and i'm sick of accepting things that i shouldn't. i don't know what more to say. i've poured my heart out to you as of the last e-mail i sent to you, because it's the only way i know how to get in touch with you anymore. and you've broken my heart so many times that i don't know why i even bother. i don't know why i keep putting myself out there. and i don't think any of my friends or anyone who knows about all of this understands why i do it either. and i don't blame them. i meant every single word i said to you. i just want you to know that. and all i want is for you to read it. i just want to know that you've read it. i should have told you that. oh well, one more thing i meant to say and didn't. i'll just add it to my list. "one more disaster i can add to my generous supply."

(..sing me to sleep..) boredom ((140108♪05:04p)) ( survey time.. duh )

(..sing me to sleep..) quotes ((281207♪07:42p)) I believe in pink I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles. ++Audrey Hepburn

(..sing me to sleep..) R.I.P Grandma ((211207♪12:30p)) I miss and love you so much already. But I am relieved to know you are no longer suffering and are no longer in pain. I know you will be watching over all of us from now on and I will try to do my very best to make you proud, like I always have. I love you and miss you. Keep Ally Rae company for me. I love you.

(..sing me to sleep..) ick ((101207♪11:53a)) so of course instead of studying i'm reading things that aren't my subject matter that i need to be focusing on.. i got invited on facebook to some creepy God group. i hate when people do the whole "YOU MUST INVITE ALL YOUR FRIENDS TO THIS GROUP BECAUSE GOD SAYS SO" bullshit. or the "YOU DONT LOVE GOD UNLESS YOU INVITE PEOPLE AND MAKE THEM LOVE GOD TOO" like seriously, shut the fuck up, I love and believe in God and believe that He makes everything happen for a reason and everything that happens or that He does is done out of His Love. BUT.. here's what i'm thinking: so, the Bible, it's a BOOK. it is written by MAN. not God, because, come on, how the hell does a being that we don't really fully know ANYTHING about write a book? by that i mean - most people don't even know if He exists or not. some people take this book literally and become serious psycho-fanatics.. look at the freakin psychopaths who protested at the funerals of the Virginia Tech students! they're fucking nutjobs!! all because they take the Bible, or some scripture they worship, seriously. honestly, just to piss you Christians off, i'd like to liken the situation, absurdly, to Harry Potter - i LOVE HP, the whole series of books. so what if i put them all together and said here's this. Dumbledore is God, Harry is Jesus, Ron, Hermione, Seamus, Ginny, and all those other Hogwarts kids who follow Harry around and believe in him like crazy, are the Apostles. &, Voldemort, obviously, is the devil. so say i do that and i believe so completely that there is this world full of magic and wonder, and that Harry defeats Voldemort and is my personal savior. it sounds so stupid, i know it does! so who the hell is to say that the Bible didn't start off like Harry Potter and someone just took is way too seriously. i mean if you read the Bible all the way through it really reads like one big sci-fi novel. i don't really understand what the point of taking some crazy book with a lot of words and chapters so seriously is. like.. honestly, it's a book. they're words. people wrote it. go to Barnes & Noble and you'll find a lot of those... books.. with words.. written by authors.. with a lot of chapters.. sometimes compilations written by a bunch of different authors... sound familiar? idk.. i'm skeptical. i always really have been.. well, for the majority of my life. i was raised catholic, i was a gun-ho (sp?) catholic in middle school, when i was young and impressionable, now i'm older and skeptical, and honestly, for good reason. catholicism is practically a cult. it really is. these people going around telling people to change or they'll die a horrible death or live a horrible eternal life. it's so cult-like, but try telling Christians that. it's impossible, they get so annoyed and pissed. i think it's obnoxious - open your mind, that's the only way to open your heart. and christians talk all the time about love and opening their hearts to all, but it's bullshit, they close their hearts to most - like homosexuals, sometimes certain races, people who have sex before marriage, those who decide not to give a child a horrible life and have an abortion, people who are divorced, all these people get turned away, but if all these people are turned away from the church, how can you say you have an open heart for people? you can't. so christianity is a cult because they are a closed-minded, closed-off, exclusive group. if not a cult, then a clique, but either way, it's not a good thing. organized religion, in my opinion, is, in general, a bad thing. basing your beliefs off a book that could very well be fictional is really dumb and unfounded. i think i might go worship Harry Potter, just to piss everyone off. yea, that sounds good enough for me. k i have to go study for real now. peace out cub scouts.

(..sing me to sleep..) Facebook Acronym Application Says I'm.... ((041207♪02:58a)) Successful Attractive Merry Mature Innocent Knockout Adorable Truthful Excited

(..sing me to sleep..) why am i not back in bed? UGH black friday is evil. ((231107♪12:49p)) Name : Samantha Nick Name : Sammi, Sam, Lou, Cyndi-Lou, Tonka Birthdate : 12/6/87 Birthplace : Norwalk Hospital Current Location : Trumbull, CT, en mi casa :-) Eye Color : BLUE! :-D Hair Color : brown w/natural red and blondish highlights Height : 5'4.. ALMOST 5'5 haha Piercings : a lot.. belly button, 2 in each earlobe, tragus, rook, and cartiledge and i think that's it Tatoos : one, but hopefully getting another soon Boyfriend/Girlfriend : surprise, no. Vehicle : 2005 Jeep Liberty. her name is Lily & I love her lots. Overused Phrase : lame! FAVORITES Food : the good kind Pub/Disc/Restaurant : Bennigans & Outback Candy : uhmmm.. that's a tough one..Caramello probably Number : 4 Color : Pink and Blue Animal : Manatee if we're talking ultimate, but i love all animals. Drink : water Body Part on Opposite sex : eyes and hands Perfume : Malaia by Hollister TV Show : One Tree Hill Music Album : right now either Cartel (self-titled CD) or Paramore - "Riot!" Movie : Garden State, Butterfly Effect Actor/Actress : Shia Labeouf / Sophia Bush This or That Pepsi or Coke : water McDonalds or BurgerKing : Duchess Chocolate or Vanilla swirl Hot Chocolate or Coffee : Starbucks coffee or Dunkin hot cocoa Kiss or Hug : depends who its from. i'm a hug-slut though. Dog or Cat : depends. i love my puppy and i love my kitties. i love animals. Rap or Punk : anything but country Summer or Winter : winter Scary Movies or Funny Movies : funny Love or Money : love YOUR... Bedtime : whenever Most Missed Memory : him Best phyiscal feature : eyes First Thought Waking Up : ughhh i just want to sleeeep Ambition : to be successful and able to support myself on my own. and to have a family. Best Friends : riti, dizzle, joce, susan, kt, shmanda Weakness : him Fears : being alone, spiders, death HAVE YOU... Cheated Your Partner : no. Ever been beaten up : nope Ever beaten someone up : wanted to Ever Shoplifted : i could lose my job for that Ever Skinny Dipped : no Ever Kissed Opposite sex : yes Been Dumped Lately : no IN A GUY/GIRL Favorite Eye Color : blue Favorite Hair Color : brown usually Short or Long : short or shaggy Height : taller than me. usually 5'8 or taller. Style : good Looks or Personality : i'm not vein but i'm not a person who lies and says it's all about personality either. Hot or Cute cute :o) Muscular or Really Skinny : in the middle RANDOMS What country do you want to Visit : all of the British Isles How do you want to Die : happy. Been to the Mall Lately : i work there. Get along with your Parents : if i say no, i'm lying, but if i say yes, that's not exactly true either. Health Freak : germaphobe. Do you think your Attractive : sometimes Believe in Yourself : definitely Want to go to College : in my 3rd year Do you Smoke : used to Do you Drink : on occassion, but not nearly as much as i used to Shower Daily : usually Been in Love : :-/ Do you Sing : ♥ yes & i miss it so much Want to get Married : so badly Do you want Children : even more so Hate anyone : ha, about that.. Take Survey Create Survey

(..sing me to sleep..) bored & just got out of floorset.. ughhh avoiding hw to ((191007♪12:41a)) 1. Do you remember the first person you kissed? yep 2.Have you ever kissed someone you werent dating? mmmm hmmmm 3.Ever kissed an ex after you broke up? yup 4. Have you kissed any one in your friends list? apparently this is for myspace. fuck that. and yes. 5. Ever made out with someone who was a really bad kisser? ugh yes. sloppy kissers - the ones that freakin slobber all over your face. EW!! 6. The last time you kissed someone? uhmmm i don't remember 7. Ever kissed someone as part of a game? uh huh 8. Your age? 19 9. I have kissed someone: [x] on the cheek. [x] on the lips. [ ] on their hands [x] in my room. [x] in their room. [x] of the opposite sex. [x] of the same sex. [x] little younger than me. [x] a little older than me. [x] blonde hair. [x] brown hair. [ ] red hair [x] black hair. [ ] shorter than me. [x] taller than me. [ ] with a lip ring. [/] who i truly love or loved. [x] who was drunk. [x] who was high. [x] when i was high. [x] in the morning. [x] just before bed. [x] who i had just met. [x] who i really didnt want to kiss. [x] on a bed. [ ] in a graveyard. [x] against a wall. [ ] at a show. [ ] at the beach. [ ] in a pool [x] who was/is a good friend. [ ] in the rain [ ] in the shower/tub [x] away from everyone else [x] in a car/truck/taxi/bus [ ] on a plane [ ] in the movies. [x] in a bathroom. [x] in the dark. [ ] on a roof top. [x] on top [x] on bottom [ ] upside down [ ] in the park [ ] under water. [ ] more than one person in a day.

(..sing me to sleep..) this is the end. ((021007♪06:20p)) just refresh my memory... when did i ever say that you could continually come and go in and out of my life but no matter what i'd always be there. and i'd even let you rip my heart out of my chest & take it everywhere with you and never once hate you for stepping all over it and dragging it around on the bottom of your shoes. i hate what you do to me. and i want to let go of you so badly. i'm trying. i really am. i just don't know how well it's working. there's other boys, you know. ones i'd like to give a chance.. and i'm going to try. and maybe one day you'll wake up next to no one and i'll wake up next to him and you'll realize you lost everything and he has it all.

(..sing me to sleep..) UGH FUCK COLLEGE - i really don't know if i was cut out for all of this :-\ ((011007♪03:17a)) [ mood | stressed ] [ music | home // great northern ] So this pretty smart guy named Oscar Wilde was quoted as saying: "Nothing that is worth knowing can be taught." So then why the hell do we stress this thing called school so much? I mean really, that guy got pretty damn far if you ask me, and he says it. So why am I sitting here busting my ass, stressing myself to the max, stretching myself more thin than I've ever been stretched before, just to be "taught" things (like stats) that, really, won't even be worth my time in the long run. It makes no sense. Yet we all still do it. We really just have no other choice do we?

(..sing me to sleep..) good drunken epiphony. ((290907♪02:49a)) i'm beginning to realize that relying on people, & trusting people, is one of the most overrated things in the entire world. if it's not yourself you're relying on & it's not yourself, & yourself alone, you're solely trusting, you're screwed.

(..sing me to sleep..) "Some people think its holding on that makes one strong, but sometimes it's letting go." (quote time ((270907♪02:12a)) There's one thing a quote does that nothing and no one else can do...it can become a part of you. You may never meet the person who said it, but that person is now a companion. Quotes help you get over pain, feel love, make you smile and laugh, and help you through those tough days when you think that no one else knows what you're going through. Everyone sees who you appear to be, but only a select few know who you really are. "We could never learn to be brave and patient if there were only joy in the world."-Helen Keller "Growing up sucks....and not all kisses are magic, and most boys do not live up to your expectations. But there are those times when everything, I mean love, romance, relationships...it all falls together perfectly, and its incredible...it's those moments, no matter how depressingly few and far between that make growing up worth it. And it'll be okay." -Dawson's Creek ((I hope so :-\ )) "All our young lives we search for someone to love. We chose partners, changed partners... all the while wondering if there's someone, somewhere who might be searching for us." -Kevin Arnold, "The Wonder Years" Sometimes I wish I had never met you because then I could go to sleep at night not knowing there was someone like you out there. What do you do when the only person that can stop you from crying is the one who is made you start?

(..sing me to sleep..) hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you ((260907♪06:50p)) i'm sorry but i don't know how much more of this i can take. i need to move on. if only it was that simple.

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