*i know now*im the lonely one*with no one to turn to*
Sammi*Kate


..it was just a few years

in the making . . .
. . .he was gone
when she needed him
more than she could
really ever let on to..

(..sing me to sleep..)

Today ((19021311:30a))
[ mood | Broken ]
[ music | Search The City - Streetlight Diaries ]

I don't even know the last time I wrote in here.
I know it's been a decent amount of time, probably a year if not more. I haven't checked though.
I don't know where to start. I feel as though every one I let into my life always leaves. I've gotten to the point that I'm now questioning whether it's worth ever letting anyone in, in the first place, or not.
I know that there are a lot of things I never dealt with, like my Grandma passing away, that have really had a major impact on my life. Whether bad or indifferent, these things are weighing me down and I know that. It's just really hard to let people see that I have feelings, that I cry, and that I have points in my life where I feel weak and broken.
I'm the person who fixes everyone and everything. I am there when people need me, I put my burdens aside to carry the weight of the world for everyone else. I've never complained about it, and I've never seen anything wrong with doing so... until now. I'm still not complaining, but instead I'm beginning to realize that I really need to start coming to terms with the hand I've been dealt in life. So, what hand is that? I have 2 working legs, 2 working arms, I have a fully functioning (and malfunctioning at times) brain, I have a steady (for now) job, and I have my college degree. I have been given many opportunities in life, most of which I have created and then grasped on my own, but still, the opportunities were there. So what in the world is it that I could possibly have to complain about, right?
-in 2005 I was sexually assaulted on my college campus
-in 2006 the same guy who assualted me attacked my friend. in her room. in our dorm.
-by 2007 i was blamed for both my case and hers. Even though I know it wasn't my fault, because I didn't have control over his actions, I still fee llike maybe if I had told, I could have prevented it.
-in December of 2007 I lost my Grandmother, who was more like a parent to me than anything else.
-in 2008 the only place I had ever called home was taken away from my Mom and I by our FAMILY... of all people.
-I moved out by 2009, and have moved every year since. Until this year.
-2010 came a constant wave of losses. Peter, Grandma Del, Matt, Sachmo (the cat who I had grown up with - the first animal I called my own..), and then Ryan (who was close to a friend of mine I grew up with, and passed away the weekend of my birthday)... at this point, I begin feeling like I'm the angel of death. I'm always going to be alone.
-2011 was a mindfuck of terrible friends and major screw overs. Because I'm too nice, and get tangled up with the wrong people. I honestly still think I broke my own heart. I mean how the hell could I not have known?
-2011 - at least I have my job to claim for this year.
-2012 I started to recover from the rollercoaster that was 2 years of mindfucking friends and alcoholic people I had somehow come to surround myself with.
-2012, my Mom broke the news that she was moving. Out of state.
-2012, my family moved to Sandy Hook. 2 weeks later I had the life scared out of me.
-2012, Marc. Lou.
-2013... So far my mother has bought her house in NY, which I'm so happy for her, but I've never had a parent move that far away from me before. I've always been the one to leave. The idea is tearing me apart, and I feel stupid and selfish. And I'll never tell her.
-2013.. let's just start a list:
Jenn is moving to NC
I feel like I have no one I can rely on
I feel like anyone I let in to my life is going to crush me, or just up and leave
No matter what, people are going to die, and I haven't even dealt with losing my Grandma.. how can I keep dealing with loss?
I'm always angry. About everything. I don't ever let myself feel anything else.. because it makes me vulnerable.
I'm trying so hard to just let go, to accept the things I cannot change, but it's damn near impossible lately.

Honestly, I'm just lost. I know who I am, I know what I want, but I just can't bear the thought of being alone and abandoned at every turn. I can't.

I've begun burying myself in my work. When I'm at work, I don't want to leave, because my world outside of work is a mess. When I'm not at work, I don't want to go in the next day because I know I have so much to do.

It's just a viscious cycle and I don't know if or when it will ever end.

I just feel so lost.

I don't even know if any of this entry makes sense. To anyone. It probably won't even make sense to me in the long run.

But I had to get this all out.

I've spent all weekend typing up my Personal Statement for my Graduate School application and I feel like realizing all the things that I've had to deal with, that have made me the person I am today, just kind of opened the floodgates.

In December and the beginning of January, I had given up all hope on any semblance of ever having a relationship with anyone, because honestly after everything that had happened with Marc, I was just a complete mess. But then when Lou came along and ripped the rug out from under me within a month of starting and seeming as though everything was perfect, I just couldn't even fathom letting anyone in again. Getting close with anyone else who would just continually do the same things to me that had already been done.
Now I'm starting to realize that I was never over Marc. I was just angry hurt. I would take him back in a heartbeat. I would.
I know I've said this before, back when I was young and naive and thought that certain things meant what they never would, but I really do think there is something there. That there is something special about Marc. That there is something with him that I don't have, and maybe never will have, with anyone else.

Call me crazy, but I just can't help but hope that things fall back into place.
I've lost so much lately, lost so many people, and he's the only one that I can keep focus on.
Maybe it's not a sign, maybe it's holding on to something and being a lost cause, who knows. But I just can't seem to let go.

I can't keep losing either.

I just keep feeling like the amount that I've lost is because there's something wrong with me. No one wants to be around me. But I know that in the majority of the cases, at least, that that's not the case. Jenn needs to go somewhere, grow up and figure out her life. My Mom deserves to leave our abusive and controlling family and be happy with someone who loves and cares for her (and I swear if he ever hurts her, I will end him..), and everyone else has had a reason to go away.
I can't keep people from their lives, just like no one can keep me from mine. I just wish I could stop people from constantly leaving, because honestly, I'm breaking down and I'm all alone.

Is this how it's supposed to be? Or am I just doing life wrong?

(..sing me to sleep..)

((13021111:54a))
"Everyone on earth has a treasure that awaits him,” his heart said. “We, people’s hearts, seldom say much about those treasures, because people no longer want to go in search of them. We speak of them only to children. Later, we simply let life proceed, in its own direction, toward its own fate. But, unfortunately, very few follow the path laid out for them—the path to their destinies, and to happiness. Most people see the world as a threatening place, and, because they do, the world turns out indeed, to be threatening place.

“So, we, their hearts, speak more and more softly. We never stop speaking out, but we begin to hope that our words won’t be heard: we don’t want people to suffer because they don’t follow their hearts.”

~ Paulo Coelho, "The Alchemist"

(2 ...sing me to sleep... ..sing me to sleep..)

an entry of my feelings made out of quotes ((06101012:53a))
everyone keeps asking me if i'm okay.. what the hell do they want me to say? no.. i'm not okay. and then what? so i just smile and say i'm fine .. even though i'm really dying inside ..

I know it seems like I'm this strong person who can get through anything, but inside I'm fragile. I've had so many things thrown at me, and each one has only made a crack. What I'm afraid of is shattering.

im the girl. the one thats always lost. the one with the fake smile. the girl who seems to be SO strong but daily continues to break. that girl whose always there and seems to have NO problems of her own. the one who holds back tears. ..until she's all alone.

Sometimes i just feel like running away.... just to see who would follow, just to see who really cares.. or if anyone cares at all.....

behind every beautiful thing, there's some kind of pain

this isnt a perfect world. you smile, when all you wanna do is cry. you act like you’re okay, when you are really falling apart.. but you move on because there is nothing else to do .. even though it's slowly killing you. . .

the girl who seemed unbreakable is finally starting to break
the one who seemed so strong its crumbling apart
the one who always laughs it off is constantly crying
the girl who would never give up, finally quit trying

"it's the boys in bars on friday night
that replace the emptiness inside
she'll be spending her whole weekend
faking laughs and faking smiles
with her fake friends" ((less than jake - she's gonna break soon))

(..sing me to sleep..)

fire in the sky and a sparkle in your eye ((04071011:45p))
i've always loved fireworks.
there's just something about them that makes me hopeful. and hopeless. all at once.
what else in the world can do that?

the only ones i got to see today were from my window.
from the third floor of my house/new apartment house thing.

the only downfall was that i couldn't see the majority of the finale.

it's like they purposely make the finale lower, so that those of us who don't actually go there can't see it.
like some sort of VIP Special or something.

the sky lights up like continual streaks of lightning are striking in rapid, unlikely, nearly impossible, succession.
and from up here, through the treetops, you see nothing but white flashes.
and then slowly they turn red.
and green.
and all different colors
but there are no flares.
nothing spectacular, nothing exploding, with wiry streaks and legs, across the sky.
nothing intricate and sparkling.
just light.
like window shopping.
you need to be someone else, part of some elite club or high social status to see them.
and from a third floor apartment, where the a/c is barely cooling you off, and your windows fight back every time you try to open or close one, you are far from accepted into that group.
but the most painful part of the rejection is knowing that all your friends, the people you choose to call your own, the ones you pick as people you would hang out with, they're there. they got the invitation.
they are allowed to be free. to have their lives to themselves.
to determine and dictate what they do and where they go.
they are part of that elite.

and you're just working class.

6 hours to go until all hell breaks loose.
and 12 from there until i'm back in bed again.
patiently awaiting the moments til i fall asleep
and dreading the hours as they tick by
because the more that go by
means the less sleep i get
and the less sleep i get, the more emotionally out of control i can be.

i'm going on 5 hours for the big talk tomorrow
i've never felt more apprehensive to walk into my place of employment in my life.

i want to ring her neck.
but i want to start with him - the backstabbing piece of asian trash that he is.
fuck you..

i hate people who use and hurt and step on people just to get ahead.
i didn't want to see your fireworks anyway. because they come from blood and tears.
from shame and anger. from dehumanization of others.

i don't want your explosion of power. i want my own 3rd floor apartment. humble and comfy. cozy but still too warm.

things are so messy.

i just wanted to see real fireworks.
i just wanted to be included in that exclusivity.

well, not this year i guess... there's always next...

(..sing me to sleep..)

UGH ((25031005:19p))
how is it that i feel so alone when i know there are so many people around?

it just sucks, it's like.. i have people to run to, but i feel like i don't. and then i think about it.. and do i really? i don't fucking know. i feel like i'm going crazy.

i'm so incredibly depressed about having to quit the show. RENT was the one show i never thought i would have the opportunity to perform in, and i get the chance, and it's RENT or my senior Formal.. and I can't miss formal.. it's senior banquet too.. my last time with all my sisters together like that.. ever. and then i would have had to miss initiation which means my Little would have no one to be with her.. and that's horrible, i can't do that to her! especially since my first Little more than likely won't be there so she wouldn't even be able to take over for me. ugh she pisses me off and frustrates me so much - like, we're your sisters, yet you only come out for social events. not meetings, not retreats, NOTHING.
that's another thing i would have had to miss - the majority of retreat. and i'm so glad i didn't miss that because i really got to know my sisters and love them all over again..
i wish people understood what it was like to be in a sorority, but from the outside, you can never understand. and i get that, but i just wish people would try..
my mom specifically.

i miss my dad. he and i are so busy with opposite schedules that i never get to see him or my sisters and brothers and stepmom.. and that sucks. i love my daddy so much - he is always really accepting of my social decisions. maybe not my academic ones, but always the social ones - whatever makes me happy makes him happy.. for the most part.

i don't know. i want to say i'm happy with my life, and sometimes i really geniuinely am. but honestly, the majority of the time, i'm not.

James told me the other day that he and i are both going to end up alone, that there is not a good guy for me and there is not a good girl for him.
thanks.
that's exactly what i needed, Deb.

UGH i just want to scream.
i want to pop pills and drink my shitty feelings away
but i know that's not a solution to anything
cos everytime i come down from drinking, the hurt is still there
and when i drink too much, the hurt takes over.
i hate alcohol.
i honestly truly do.
it makes me fat, unhappy, depressed, angry, everything i shouldn't be.
and sure i'm a happy drunk on the outside, but that's only if you keep me distracted, and i'm getting attention.
i guess i'm kind of an attention whore, but i mean, i have no love anywhere
except from my family
and even then, i swear they're all so caught up in themselves and their feuds that it doesn't matter how any of us feel. all of us kids have gotten pushed aside and thrown away, our hearts, our minds, everything. our feelings don't matter. when we express them, it just turns into a fight. a pathetic, immature "whose side are you on" fight.
i'm sick of having to take sides.
i'm sick of having to choose.
i want my family back.
i want my Grandma back.

i want my life back.

but then again i can't really even pinpoint a time when i was ever truly happy.
i don't want to rely on medication to make me happy, but i'm beginning to think that's all i have. that's all i can get.
substance supplied happiness. from a prescribed bottle.

i hate bottles.
of anything.

i want to go back to when things were okay. i would settle for okay right now.
i'm sick of being so hectic, so jumbled, unable to really get anything done.
all the negativity that surrounds me is really pulling me down and out
and i don't want to let it happen, but how am i supposed to avoid that?
i need a new tattoo. a new piercing. a new something. i need change.
and i can't wait until saturday when i get my hair done.

maybe if the tattoo place is open i'll grab someone and drag them with me after class tomorrow, get something small somewhere.. like my foot or something. since i don't have work all weekend, i can go without shoes and do flip flops until sunday.. right?

bah idk.. i don't even know what i would get.

i just can't stand this. i need change. i need something new. i want to be happy.

this sucks.

(..sing me to sleep..)

i have found a new love ((12120903:43a))
"its funny to read all these words, all these posts, all the books and think they were my fingers. its easy to be positive when the sun is shining, your moms invites you over for dinner and you have a little money in your pocket. but maybe thats what they are. not books for you, but for me. letters written in the past for a injured future. to bring me back and remind me of the person that i am"
- http://askheychris.livejournal.com/

INCREDIBLE.

this man is amazing.
all that he writes is so much of what i feel. what i think.
his writing format is similar to mine, although i'm sure he is way better in quality - like everyone else in comparison to me in every aspect seemingly.. but anyway..
idk.. i stumbled across his stuff from looking at a friends twitter update with a frame he made.
i ordered it's mate.
it says:
"i want scars
not band aids
i want stories
not regrets"
or something along those lines
and of course that is how i feel
so i bought it.

it's not like i can sleep anyway
you're mad at me and it's bothering the living hell out of me.
i don't want to do anything right now except talk things out
what the hell has come over me? i'm not this girl.

i'm never this girl.
i'm never the girl who sits in silence waiting to say something.
i'm the girl who says it
gets it over with
the girl who speaks her mind

with you, i've held my tongue.
because i don't want to mess anything up

yet by holding my tongue
and sitting my ground (yes sitting)
i blew it all in less than an hour.

i'm amazing
...at fucking things up...

(you forgot that last part when you texted me the other night, it seems..)

i can't handle much more of the let downs
you had me so excited and so happy
and now it's all gone to shit

one day there will be a happier me, right?
a less ruined, less broken version?
i keep telling myself it'll all come in due time
but i'm not sure i believe me.

i'm not sure i ever will.

i called my past tonight to see what i did wrong in the present
my past told me the same thing my present did
so what is my future going to think? is there a future?
it's like the center of a tootsie pop... the world (my world in this case, because i am, in fact, tiny and miniscule, unimportant to the larger world, at best..) may never know.

sometimes i think i need to be medicated again
but then i fear this will all go away
the writing
the feeling
the real, true, hard caring me
i'm hard pressed to say it would still be there
if it is it would be dormant.

who the hell can actually write when they're happy anyway?
authors and artists are all splattered onto one canvas
we are the canvas of broken people
not a single line we carve, etch, write, or sing will ever be a whole one
there is always some way it will falter.. break off.. at one point or another it will look like it fell apart
because at the times when the art is the best, it is a time when we are broken the worst (or best)
it's just the way it goes
and there is no moving around it
no stopping it

one day maybe i'll prove me wrong
but i highly doubt it.
i think that if you have talent you are broken
scarred
bruised
cut
torn
all of the above and then some

i drank alone tonight
i did not drink to get drunk
i thought it would comfort me
and i got bored to shit. to pieces.

i drank maybe a full gulps worth all-in-all
the sprite bottle mixed from a few weeks ago is now at my side
still more than half full (i am not optimistic tonight though)
and i feel nothing

i am still anxious
broken
bruised
beat up
torn apart
and sleepless

and it will remain

and i will remain

and medication will stay away

for now anyway..

we'll see where i go.

(..sing me to sleep..)

((30110901:08a))
In a way I feel like I've stopped feeling anything.
Like I can't feel the appropriate things at certain times.
All I feel at those times is nothing. Or numbness.
And it feels wrong.
I want to feel
And I want to feel right...
Proper...
Is that even possible anymore?

I can't figure out how to gt back to feeling the right way about things.
In a way I'm not sure I ever really did
Which throws me for an even worse loop...
It confuses me
Makes me think harder
More in depth
Even more, it's cause for greater concern...

Do I get medicated? Does talking make it better?
What works?
What has worked?
Has anything?
What will?

I don't want to go through my life always needing medication or almost always having to go back to needing it...
I want to feel normal, I want to be normal... on my own...

I just want to know it's a possibility.
I don't know if i'd consider myself depressed..
I'm lost, if anything, and sometimes I find myself stuck
In a rut, in a sad ditch, a deep gaping hole, that I'm just trying to find a ladder to climb out on.
I'm trying so hard to get out.

But what can I do that is going to make my grades better?
My motivation come back?
Set my priorities straight again?
Is there anything?

I'm scared I'm failing yet I can't find a way to pick myself up and give 2 shits.. I just freak out and worry and hope for the best..

Ugh
I need help....
Now.

(..sing me to sleep..)

incredible.. ((12070902:53a))
Your Daily Horoscope: July 11, 2009
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec 21)

You could be ready to do some traveling, or make a change of residence, but either of these possibilities is about a disturbance in the home. This disturbance could be anything from being bored and irritable, to an overwhelming desire to break free of your current situation. If you are planning on moving, today is a good day for making contacts with landlords or real estate agents. If traveling, make sure all your arrangements are in place before leaving.

(..sing me to sleep..)

((18060912:31a))
so i have this feeling inside and it sucks
partly because i'm not sure what it is/means
and partly because when i concentrate on it, it's screaming out to me how incredibly lonely i am.
how much it hurts that ryan fucked me over.
how much i'm hurting myself letting guys use me.
how did i go from super virgin to super whore in the matter of 4 years?
i just can't get out of this rut.

i got out when i had someone to hold on for. when i had ryan.
i have nothing, no one right now, and it kills me. i hate being so alone.
and i hate him for being alright without me.
for never missing me.
for never thinking about me.
i wish i knew if i crossed his mind at least once.
i want to hate him so much.
but all i feel is hurt.
hardened painful deep seated hurt.

i'm not sure why i get like this sometimes
and when i get like this i'm not sure why things always revert back to him.
it's fucking annoying and i can't stand it.
sometimes i feel like never knowing what loving someone is like would be better than knowing and losing.
i don't think i agree with that old saying . . .
"it is better to have loved and lost than to never loved at all.."

yea i'm not so sure that's incredibly true.

i just want someone whose going to be there at night.
someone whose going to be there when i need them.
not 24/7, i need my space and i know people need theirs as well
but i just want something... someone who cares
someone to show they care
someone who loves me.
i miss it. i miss having someone to talk to at night.
someone to say goodnight to. someone to miss.

without missing someone i'm missing everything.

if that makes any sense without sounding completely pathetic that'd be amazing.

i hate this.
i was talking to loren today and it was pointed out to me that maybe she and i are doing things because of that alone feeling.
the realization of that sucked.

hard.

i keep making all these stupid decisions, and i couldn't figure out why.
can't blame it on inebriation cos i feel like that's such a cop-out
but i definitely think she's right. she hit the nail on the head.

i don't want to feel this way anymore
i want to find someone who gives a damn
someone who i don't have to feel used by
someone i don't have to worry whether or not they'll still talk to me the next day or week or month later...
who i don't feel like i have to do bad things with in order to keep around
and i want to be able to hang out with guys without being worried that they're going to find out my number or who i've hooked up with.

i need to fucking stop this crap.
i'm going to scream.
i want to so bad.

ugh...
please, someone save me.
or at least help me save myself...

i'm going to go read... hopefully some insight will come with it.

God, running on 2 hours of sleep and a 1 hour nap all day is the dumbest thing i've done in a long time.
especially since i'm sick.

I need to freakin grow up.

(..sing me to sleep..)

thoughts on graduate graduation day ((16050901:18p))
While sitting brooding about the fact that I'm not graduating and thinking I should have just gone to SHU to begin with for oh so many reasons, I realized that had I not gone to le moyne I probably would not even know what I want to do. I most likely wouldn't be going into victim's psych because certain things would not have happened and I never would have taken victimology which incidentally was one of my fave courses I've ever taken.

I still wish I was graduating this year with all of my friends and class mates, but honestly if I'm happier where I am and I'm okay doing what I'm doing, then why does it matter? It shouldn't. Not that it doesn't, because it still kind of sucks, but I have awesome new classmates, I have amazing sisters, and I get to spend time with family that I wouldn't have gotten to spend in the first place had I stayed in syracuse. I kind of regret not being around to spend more time with my grandma before she passed and now I can spend more time with the rest of my family, and God forbid anything happens I am here.

I think I'm beginning to ramble, or the guy speaking at graduation is rambling... And I'm just getting distracted... Either way I'm gonna end this. I love being able to do this stuff on my phone. Oh crackberry you save me.

(..sing me to sleep..)

((05050901:20p))
i'm falling apart all over again.
i can't imagine CT without all my sisters. without all my shu friends...
i'm not really sure what i'm going to do now..
and you are so complicated and can't just tell me if you're flirting or if that's just how you are.
i like you and i'm beginning to thing it's yet another fail moment in a long line of FML's.
ughhh
i don't want summer.
i want school without the work
i want my friends
i want my family - my Theta Phi Alpha family.

my Alpha class..

i'm going to be so lost..

(..sing me to sleep..)

fb info ((05040909:21p))
i can make a mess out of just about anything.

i can find a way to trip over or walk into something that's not even near me to begin with.

i can let things go and still find a way to hold a grudge.. sometimes without even knowing it.

i'm reserved, but once you get to know me, you can't shut me up.

i am a quote whore, and wish i could write something so powerful that it meant as much to someone else as others' words mean and have meant to me.

i can handle pretty much anything life throws at me, but i'd love to complain once in a while too.

i listen to more people than i make listen to me. partly cos i rarely open up to anyone.

i've been heartbroken, it sucks.
ironically though, i've never had a serious/long term relationship.. surprise!
i just get stuck with complications.

i like being pampered, but i'm not a brat.

i hate when people think because i'm from CT, and i live in Fairfield County, that i'm a snob - i'm probably one of the most down to earth people you'll ever meet.. so shove it.

my mind is complex
my heart is deep
i love greatly
and i feel strongly.

i love reading
and i am a self-proclaimed nerd
but i wouldn't have it any other way.

i'm smarter than i look.
sometimes smarter than i act.
but what's the fun in being smart all the time?
everyone needs to be dumb and make mistakes.. and have fun.

i wrote this on a complete whim..
enjoy.

(..sing me to sleep..)

=) ((23030903:33a))
[ mood | content ]

i've come to realize that in life, there will always be times you look back at and think "i miss that"
but overall, how much can you miss before it interferes with allowing to make new memories and new good times?
i was looking back at pictures from last semester - not on purpose, i just happened to come across some of them while looking through pics of my friends and defaults and what not (since i'm up at 3:30 AM what else am i supposed to do?)
anyway.. i got to pictures from when we all used to hang out at the guys' place "across the way" at park ridge and i saw some of the guys together and knew it was one of my pictures and there's pictures of us girls over there.. playing pong, just regular nightly activities, and i really just miss it
and i am SO happy that my life is back.
my regular, last semester life has now been added back into my life, along with my new life. my spring semester newness.
i have sisters now.
i have a family.
and my friends are part of that family.
and i'm meeting more people, making more friends, extending that family.
and i couldn't love it anymore.
on the drive home from dodgeball tonight i realized just how much i really do love my life.
i have everything i could possibly ask for right now.
money might be tight, and things might be a little rough in that aspect,
but as for friends and a place to call my own, i have that.
and i am making a name for myself
and i am meeting new people and making myself more known.
and i love it.
and that feels good.
it feels amazing.
i love my life.
i really do.
and as much as i might have going on
i really can't even begin to explain in words how much i love my current situation.
sure it might be because i'm getting attention in ways i'm not used to, but that's just half the fun =)
i also am making friends that i know will always, without fail, be by my side.
people who i can keep in touch with and know that i can talk to.
people i'm comfortable with, who i can relate to on such an incredible level.
and while they may be some people i can't stand, i don't HAVE TO stand them. and that's the beauty of it.
i have 40+ sisters.. i don't have to like them all, lol.
and of course, i don't. but that's besides the point.
anyway.. i just wanted to come on here and give a happy update.
because i have one.
and that's fantastic =)
i love being happy.
and i love my life.
and i hope that doesn't change from here on out.
i never want to feel low again.
because this high, on life, is just so incredible.

(..sing me to sleep..)

random survey cos i have no life or motivation. ((16030910:16p))
Do you still have pictures of you and your ex-bestfriend?
yep. lots of them. with lots of ex best friends. people are so temporary lately. it sucks.

Who's the last person you had a sleepover with?
stephie, manda, kt, n britt up in new britain =)

Who was the last person you yelled at?
prob my mom. or those guys at manda n kt's house.

When was the last time you saw your best friend?
sarah, over a week ago, tammy on wednesday last week into thurs morning.. she made me sleep on a scary top bunk *insert scared face here*

Would you date the person who last posted this?
i have no idea who posted this, i just found it somewhere.

Are you happy right now?
i guess.. i'm not incredibly unhappy.

Do you regret anything that you have done?
never regret anything because at one point it's what you wanted.

Do you trust people?
i used to, too much. now i don't at all. it has its ups and downs. but i'd rather not trust and be safe than trust and get hurt again at this point.

Last piercing you got?
my rook. frosh year at LMC with Kendra <3

What your favorite beverage?
coffee. alcohol. water. you know.. the usual.

Do you lie to your parents?
hahahahaha. if i said i didn't, i'd be lying to you. and so would everyone else who says they don't. i guess i don't so much lie as i leave out details or just don't tell them things.. but either way.. it's a form of dishonesty.

Do you like making out or little kisses more?
i love making out, but little kisses are the best <3 esp when cuddling.

How many people have you kissed?:
am i really supposed to count? that's a lot. like... well over 20.. that i can remember... fuck.. i'm a kisslut.

Do you know anybody who's had an abortion?:
yes. a few actually.

Do you have a best friend?
more than one. cos i'm not in Kindergarten - i can have more than one now.
but absolutely Tammy and Sarah.

When will you kiss the last person you kissed?:
prob never.. unfortunately. he was an awesome kisser.. and i've only liked him for like 3 years, but you know.. it doesn't matter.... *blah*

Who was the last person to call you?
Tammy M Mulrooney.

Do you drink more water or juice?
aguaaaa.

How different are you from three years ago?
incredibly. i don't think i'm even the same person.

Your view on weed?
my view is that it's not in front of me, so i can't see it.

Do you hate being alone?
yes.

Do you get along with girls?
some girls. but for the most part, girls piss me off.

Last person you were in the car with besides your family?
uhmmm... cheri?

And when did you last see them?
Sat night =)

Is there anyone who doesn't like you?
yes. i'm sure there's some i don't know of.

Do you sleep a lot?
not enough.

If someone liked you right now would you want them to tell you?
yes. i'm sick of never knowing and finding out when it's too late.

Do you like to cuddle?
so much.

Ever liked someone that you didn't think you stood a chance with?
always.

How was your New Years?
interesting and amazing and stressful all at once.

Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
nope..

Honestly, has anyone ever seen you in your underwear?
haha yea, i walk around in my undies on the daily.

Made out for more than a half hour straight?
most likely. i don't time my make-out sessions. sorry.

Want someone you can't have?
i'm not really sure..

Will you be in a relationship in 4 months?
prob not.. rawr. i don't wanna talk about it.

Kissed someone in the last 72 hrs?
no..

Are you dating the very last person you kissed?
no *insert pout face here*

Ever liked someone older than you?
a few months? lol yea?

Don't you hate when you have to get up early on the weekends?
omgh i don't wanna talk about it.

How far away is the person you miss?
rawr. 5 hours right now i think? and there's a bunch of them up there. <3 LMC - I miss you babies.

Did you get a full 8 hours of sleep last night?
uhmmm... not consecutively, but yea, altogether i did.

Do you find the opposite sex confusing?
incredibly. *ughh*

If you were to die today would your life be complete?
well technically speaking.. it would be complete in that it's over. but no. it would not be fulfilling enough. i haven't done half the things i'd like to, i never really fell in love, and i never made a difference. that i know of anyway.

Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you?
nope, oddly enough. not that i know of anyway.

First person to speak to you in 09?
I don't remember.. I'm pretty sure it was Jeff since he was right next to me.

Were you happy when you woke up today?
no, i wanted to keep sleeping lol

How long does it take for you to take a shower?
30 mins to an hour. I'm a girl.

If you were kicked out of your current residence whom would you stay with?
prob at my house in Trumbull since it hasn't sold yet.

How did you do on the last test you took?
75.. a lot better than the 57 i got on the last test in that class.. perfect opposite.

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months without cheating?
yes. completely. without being cheated on, no. but i would never. cos i know how much it sucks/hurts.

Is there someone who you can spend every minute with and be happy?
...idk... i can't spend too much time with the same person or i get in fights with them usually. unhealthy.. i know. i just get smothered too easily. Tammy n I spend a lot of time together though.

What were you doing last night at 11?
what was yesterday? Sunday? driving home from my ΘΦΑ meeting


Have you ever been given roses?
by my family... and i think a Valentine's date in 3rd grade.
i guess i hit my prime early.

Do you think it's bad to have sex at your age?
absolutely not.

Who was the last person you said I love you to?
Tammy I think lol. but in an "in love" sense.. no comment.

Promise to be honest?
always.

Is your heart broken right now?
no.. just lonely.

When is the next time you’ll kiss someone?
no clue :-\

Do you think that marrying your 3rd cousin is okay?
absolutely not. i'm from the North. thanks.

Are you happy right now?
i guess.. for the most part..

Is your current hair color mostly your natural hair color?
a little darker with more red in it - i just dyed it the other day.

What is on your wrist(s) right now?
my shakespeare bracelet. and no i'm not joking.

What does your hair look like right now?
messy bun with bangs down and my juicy sunglasses on top of my head. of course.

What do you like better: hot choclate or hot apple cider?
depends on my mood.

Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?
yep. i love my boys <3

Are you wearing any clothes that don’t belong to you?
right now? no.

Are you looking forward to anything?
does the end of semester count? installation =)
and hopefully dolphy day!

Would you ever donate blood?
i have =)

Do you care if people hate you for no reason?
it kind of bugs me, yea. but in a way i don't really care. i guess it depends who and what not.

Do you think everyone deserves a second chance?
it depends...

Is there someone you will never forget?
yes. more than one.

Are you currently reading a book?
unfortunately, no. school gets in the way of my leisurely intellectual pleasure.

Can you make brownies without looking at the instructions?
hellll noooo. i don't even know how to make them with instructions. are you crazy? i can't cook :(

Honestly, if you could go back one month and change something would you?
one month? no. nothing bad has happened within the past month that i'd take back.

Are you someone who worries too often?
only about some things.

Do you get drunk every weekend?
generally

What time did you wake up today? Why?
uhmm 11, cos i had piano lessons at 12:45

Is it warm outside?
warmer than it has been.. does that count?

(..sing me to sleep..)

trust... can i trust you? ((10030907:49p))
fake people lead fake lives, and fake lives foster lonely hearts.

(..sing me to sleep..)

((17010910:43a))
The universe is a cruel dumb bitch.


Grr

(..sing me to sleep..)

((13010901:35a))
i'm really not good at being alone...

(..sing me to sleep..)

((11010910:40p))
i'm in florida right now with my dad, visiting family.
you'd think i'd be happy.
i mean it's freakin FLORIDA for crying out loud!
in the middle of january!
how much better can you get? (aside from hawaii or some island)
and yet i feel empty and like i'd rather be home..
with my girls.
out at ziggy's or wild wings or doing whatever in the world we would be doing tonight.
but those two are probably where they are.
and i'm not.

why the hell am i not happy to be in florida?
i'm on vacation. no work for a week.
no responsibilities for a week.
no one to answer to really.
just me.
just me my dad and met's fantasy camp and some family.

what the hell is wrong with me?

and i can't stop thinking about the fact that as i write this,
as the lack of communication continues, i'm probably blowing things with you.
if there is anything to begin with.
oi.

i don't get me.
i don't get anything anymore.

i'm just a confused dumb tired person.

blah.

i don't know what more to write, really.. i just had to get that all out.
it was on my mind and i'm confusing myself with what i'm feeling.
or lacking in feeling.

hopefully it's just me being overtired from lack of sleep and travelling.

nighty night.

(..sing me to sleep..)

don't tell me your lies, don't tell me your truths ((10010910:04p))
would you ever know that inside of this girl
the one so happy on the outside
that she's completely shattered on the inside?
she's working her way out of it
she's gotten rid of the toxicity in her life
but still there's so much more
so much missing
so much left to find.

she knows what she wants
but every time she finds it
it doesn't want her back.
every time she decides, every time she feels
nothing comes of anything

never say never
well she thinks you're a liar.
she never thinks you're telling her how you really feel.
never say never
well she thinks that's untrue
because you'd feel like never if you were in her shoes.

she doesn't understand
how you know what she does and does not deserve
she can't comprehend the meaning in your words
she can't figure out
how everyone can so confidently say
that someone will find her one day
that prince charming will come
and sweep her off her feet
because, in her words,
"it happens to everyone but me."

so at night she sits alone and thinks
about where he's sleeping
who he's kissing
"anyone but me."

so you tell her again and again
don't ever say never
because never will always come
to those who seem down
who are hurt
but don't go numb

never say never
well i think you're a liar
who are you to tell her she will find an admirer
never say never
well i think you're pretty dumb
because who are you to tell her somewhere someone is her "one?"

so keep feeding me lines
tell me how amazing i am
but never will i ever truly believe them.
because never have i ever
had a guy in my life
who cares about me
as much as they say
and never have i ever had someone feel the same way.

(..sing me to sleep..)

((05010906:44p))
Your Result

Bella Swan
You are Bella Swan, the apple of Edward's eye. You are very private, clumsy, sweet, and funny. You have a wonderful ability to accept people (or mythical creatures) for what they are. You have an amazing capacity to love, even though you can be too hard on yourself.

Twilight Quiz
Twilight Quiz by QuizRocket.com fun quizzes!
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