||Search The City - Streetlight Diaries
I don't even know the last time I wrote in here.
I know it's been a decent amount of time, probably a year if not more. I haven't checked though.
I don't know where to start. I feel as though every one I let into my life always leaves. I've gotten to the point that I'm now questioning whether it's worth ever letting anyone in, in the first place, or not.
I know that there are a lot of things I never dealt with, like my Grandma passing away, that have really had a major impact on my life. Whether bad or indifferent, these things are weighing me down and I know that. It's just really hard to let people see that I have feelings, that I cry, and that I have points in my life where I feel weak and broken.
I'm the person who fixes everyone and everything. I am there when people need me, I put my burdens aside to carry the weight of the world for everyone else. I've never complained about it, and I've never seen anything wrong with doing so... until now. I'm still not complaining, but instead I'm beginning to realize that I really need to start coming to terms with the hand I've been dealt in life. So, what hand is that? I have 2 working legs, 2 working arms, I have a fully functioning (and malfunctioning at times) brain, I have a steady (for now) job, and I have my college degree. I have been given many opportunities in life, most of which I have created and then grasped on my own, but still, the opportunities were there. So what in the world is it that I could possibly have to complain about, right?
-in 2005 I was sexually assaulted on my college campus
-in 2006 the same guy who assualted me attacked my friend. in her room. in our dorm.
-by 2007 i was blamed for both my case and hers. Even though I know it wasn't my fault, because I didn't have control over his actions, I still fee llike maybe if I had told, I could have prevented it.
-in December of 2007 I lost my Grandmother, who was more like a parent to me than anything else.
-in 2008 the only place I had ever called home was taken away from my Mom and I by our FAMILY... of all people.
-I moved out by 2009, and have moved every year since. Until this year.
-2010 came a constant wave of losses. Peter, Grandma Del, Matt, Sachmo (the cat who I had grown up with - the first animal I called my own..), and then Ryan (who was close to a friend of mine I grew up with, and passed away the weekend of my birthday)... at this point, I begin feeling like I'm the angel of death. I'm always going to be alone.
-2011 was a mindfuck of terrible friends and major screw overs. Because I'm too nice, and get tangled up with the wrong people. I honestly still think I broke my own heart. I mean how the hell could I not have known?
-2011 - at least I have my job to claim for this year.
-2012 I started to recover from the rollercoaster that was 2 years of mindfucking friends and alcoholic people I had somehow come to surround myself with.
-2012, my Mom broke the news that she was moving. Out of state.
-2012, my family moved to Sandy Hook. 2 weeks later I had the life scared out of me.
-2012, Marc. Lou.
-2013... So far my mother has bought her house in NY, which I'm so happy for her, but I've never had a parent move that far away from me before. I've always been the one to leave. The idea is tearing me apart, and I feel stupid and selfish. And I'll never tell her.
-2013.. let's just start a list:
Jenn is moving to NC
I feel like I have no one I can rely on
I feel like anyone I let in to my life is going to crush me, or just up and leave
No matter what, people are going to die, and I haven't even dealt with losing my Grandma.. how can I keep dealing with loss?
I'm always angry. About everything. I don't ever let myself feel anything else.. because it makes me vulnerable.
I'm trying so hard to just let go, to accept the things I cannot change, but it's damn near impossible lately.
Honestly, I'm just lost. I know who I am, I know what I want, but I just can't bear the thought of being alone and abandoned at every turn. I can't.
I've begun burying myself in my work. When I'm at work, I don't want to leave, because my world outside of work is a mess. When I'm not at work, I don't want to go in the next day because I know I have so much to do.
It's just a viscious cycle and I don't know if or when it will ever end.
I just feel so lost.
I don't even know if any of this entry makes sense. To anyone. It probably won't even make sense to me in the long run.
But I had to get this all out.
I've spent all weekend typing up my Personal Statement for my Graduate School application and I feel like realizing all the things that I've had to deal with, that have made me the person I am today, just kind of opened the floodgates.
In December and the beginning of January, I had given up all hope on any semblance of ever having a relationship with anyone, because honestly after everything that had happened with Marc, I was just a complete mess. But then when Lou came along and ripped the rug out from under me within a month of starting and seeming as though everything was perfect, I just couldn't even fathom letting anyone in again. Getting close with anyone else who would just continually do the same things to me that had already been done.
Now I'm starting to realize that I was never over Marc. I was just
angry hurt. I would take him back in a heartbeat. I would.
I know I've said this before, back when I was young and naive and thought that certain things meant what they never would, but I really do think there is something there. That there is something special about Marc. That there is something with him that I don't have, and maybe never will have, with anyone else.
Call me crazy, but I just can't help but hope that things fall back into place.
I've lost so much lately, lost so many people, and he's the only one that I can keep focus on.
Maybe it's not a sign, maybe it's holding on to something and being a lost cause, who knows. But I just can't seem to let go.
I can't keep losing either.
I just keep feeling like the amount that I've lost is because there's something wrong with me. No one wants to be around me. But I know that in the majority of the cases, at least, that that's not the case. Jenn needs to go somewhere, grow up and figure out her life. My Mom deserves to leave our abusive and controlling family and be happy with someone who loves and cares for her (and I swear if he ever hurts her, I will end him..), and everyone else has had a reason to go away.
I can't keep people from their lives, just like no one can keep me from mine. I just wish I could stop people from constantly leaving, because honestly, I'm breaking down and I'm all alone.
Is this how it's supposed to be? Or am I just doing life wrong?