Caitlin's Journal

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

7:20PM

I finally got my computer fixed...lol and welll i am HAppy for once..like a true a happy....I dunno what it is but something is making me feel soooo good.Angelblow..lol ha ha i cant wait to tell him the good news...

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Saturday, December 11, 2004

10:56PM

tonight hasnt been bad chillin with steph dani and heather and this kid matt computer work
s again.......Updat e tommarra bye

Current mood: giddy
Current music: Afro man
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Sunday, December 5, 2004

12:10PM

I hung out with Jay Blake and Gabby last nite Not bad..kinda interesting watchin them play video games..write more later

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12:10PM

I hung out with Jay Blake and Gabby last nite Not bad..kinda interesting watchin them play video games..write more later

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Friday, December 3, 2004

12:39PM

My weekend better turn out good.I really want to hang out with HIM. LOL i got all my pictures developed.And theres one good picture i need to find someone that has a scanner so i can put it on my computer so people can see me.. Finally a good pic of me...ha ha oo man school is such a drag...Thats where i am now. My teacher is naggin on about this damn research report.damn me..lol i have to go shes coming

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Thursday, December 2, 2004

8:47PM - Last Nite was amazing

Last nite was amazing......He was sooo nice.and he made me feel good. Its been a while since i have been able to laugh like that...That nervous habit laugh..Ugh..I thought i was setting myself up for disaster but it turned out really good...I never thought i would be able to say this but I am truly happy right now...If i could just have him hold me again would make me forget all my troubles.He is like a big teddy Bear or so he calls himself. I just wish that I would be his ideal girl...Ahhh I am happy..no one can ruin this....

Current mood: giggly
Current music: Punk ska cover for SO happy together
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Wednesday, December 1, 2004

4:37PM - Ahhh..

Turns out Mk wants someone older..THe movie is jus a friend basis..and i am good with that...Ahhhh i am not ilegal to danielle anymore...so it makes It a lil less exciting...I went to wales and i cant wait to go back...MK got hired at wendys and i am happy for him....I jus wish that the FB would change in FWB ya kno..lol ha ha i am such a slut...O well..i dont think he was ever interested in me..Damn people leading me to believe things...err o well.. Movies and fun hills mayb someday it will happen...Damn mexicans......MEGHAN I LOVE U...lol unwritten sins on the couch..haha..lol

Current mood: disappointed
Current music: The Beatles.....SO happy together
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3:40PM - All my older journal entries from my old journal.

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

1:56PM
I went to wales over Thanksgiving Break it was sooo much fun...I cant wait to move back there..or at least get a car so i can go down there alot...lol My friends Meghan and Katie never fail to make me laugh and i rlly love them....I just wish that danielle would get along with her...So i can bring danielle with me i dont want Her to be left out..I love danielle so much shes one of my bestfriends out here.actually she is my bestfriend out here....ANd even if she doesnt kno it she is..I trust her..even tho her mom wont let us hang out...I jus wish that we hung out more...This makes me sound like a dyke soo i will stop here...lol PErmit soon...Hopefully Well neways..Mike and i might be goin to the movies this weekend i am psyked..lolAdam and i might hang out on Friday..woot woot.lol I am sooo psycked lol...>Errr I still have my job but i want to work at a real place....
Current mood: chipper
Current music: Bob Dylan...Like a rolling stone
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Thursday, November 25, 2004

3:35PM - HAppy Turkey Day
Today is thanksgiving...wooooot wooot i am sooo excited i am goin to springfield to my aunts house to eat turkey and have a great dinner..with everyone...hmmmmi actually feel like i look good...which is suprisin...lol i am soooo happy...O man...Only propblem is that Throw Up feeling i keep on getting...Errr..o well..Lets see Rob thinks that i should hook up with his brother...Err mayb so..But i have crush on some one already well kinda i dont kno ne more..It doesnt matter ne ways..lol o woow......................I hate my job and i think i am Quitin or gettin fired one of them...I dont care....o well
I can get a better job not workin Fast food....lol i dont need the drama...
Current mood: busy
Current music: Gasolina..
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Friday, November 19, 2004

12:36PM
Ahhh my party is tomarra i am sooo excited all my friends are gunna be there..My family is relyin on this turing out good..and im going to cry if it sux...Mike Kennedy gave me a ride to work a few days ago and well that was a festive event....He make me laugh...Minus the fact that he told Aubrey that i was talkin shit about her....Hmmmm but a name he forgot to mention was his own...errr.Boys...o well work is goin really well. I am excited for my paycheck...Over 40 hrs..wat i am rollin in the dough...lol haa thats funny...Danielle is gunna dane at my party ha ha itll be hilarious.Ahhh school is so boring...Thats where i am right now..errr.o well...errr i want to go home Fridays are always sooo long it seems anyways...We got our report cards today and Uh ooo 2 big Fs lol ha my auntie wont care i dont think well she might cuz of my job.And she might make me quit ha ha good try auntie...OO man i am goin to the mall and buying all new clothes from abercrombie....ooooo and american eagle...and Holister....ha ha i am sooo psyked.
Korie makes me giggle shes like u better get that for me...lol she was talkin about the info for her reseach report...ha 13 pages of nothing. Hagan said she needed to chill with that...this whole thing is gunna be saved on the school computer but its all good that everyone can read wat i am writing homies...>Stephaine better not forget my coffee...I will cry..errr americans..lol i got to go Hagan is coming my way and i dont want to get in any more trouble today..Ha ha
Current mood: indescribable
Current music: Listening to Hagan yell.
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Tuesday, November 2, 2004

7:44PM - My birthday
Ahhhhhh i am finally 16...omg i am sooo happy.My birthday was good. a few down sides but besides those it was great.Tom and i are talkin again....and JUan well i dunno bout that boy.This kid Brandon calls me now..hes chill he giggles alot.I got for my bday THE POSTAL SERVICE>>>>BRIGHT EYES>>>FOSSIL WATCH AND SOME PERFUME.....I am so happy..i am gettin my permit soon which will be sooo awesome....Holler. Ok well i am done for today
Current mood: EXOTIC
Current music: The postal service
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Saturday, October 30, 2004

10:44PM - Odes...
Julia! You mean soo much to me. You never fail to put a smile on my face when we are together..Hah some times weve had.lol mooning cars and sensual massages.lol ha ha..You were there for me during the summer.No matter what the problem you always seemed to make it so much easier to get through.I wanted to be there to help you through wat ever problems you had but it was always to difficult to see exactly wat was bothering you..I love you sooo much Jula
Danielle!!!!HAh weve had some very very funny times...some we wont mention "cuz they never happened." lol im glad to kno ur ma gets a kick out of it now..She wasnt humored by it before.O well.I dont kno wat to say about u lol theres so much...lol u always make me laugh and Julio o boy..I want you 2 to be together and i will stop at nothing for that to happen..lol and someone read one of our conversations and thinks that we are total dikes...lol i love life.Well somedays..and MIKEY was just a HUGE speed BUMp in life but ull get someone sooo much better way better than mike Kennedy and Mike Kazmerak...THAT "never happened"lol i love you.
Heather!Weve had fun together the BIG E and at JUans house.lol I love u girlie..ha ha Truth or dare in the dark and juan in boxers and socks..you just dont get ne hotter..O wait wat about the porno that we watched.lol..we had a great time.and i rlly hope we have more of those...
Stephie.!...Sneaking to powder mill and smokin the green GIRl..lol we need to chill out.Lol we are bad kids.dont you think..lol o well i love ya..and ur spanky panties...THat ones for u BABY...lol wow they are gunna think i am a dike....
Brian...!I miss you so much.We havent talked in so long.and i feel awful..Cause i kno its my fault.If i wouldnt have gotten that job i would still be hangin out with you all the time.Now i just feel like shit.Cuz i think that you hate me and i just love you so much your like my best friend...and i would do anything for you..ive told u that a million and one times.And ive proven it...The bitch audrey and her fuckin bullshit..i have tried to make you happy but it never works..I love u brian and i dont want you to hurt anymore.
Current mood: This is my confession
Current music: Stay the Night........Eagle Eye Cherry
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10:24PM - Great SOng
Do you REALIZe.
Do You Realize - that you have the most beautiful face
Do You Realize - we're floating in space -
Do You Realize - that happiness makes you cry
Do You Realize - that everyone you know someday will die
And instead of saying all of your goodbyes - let them know
You realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun don'-go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round
Do You Realize - Oh - Oh - Oh
Do You Realize - that everyone you know
Someday will die -
And instead of saying all of your goodbyes - let them know
You realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun don'-go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round
Do You Realize - that you have the most beautiful face
Do You Realize
Current mood: crazy
Current music: Do you realize .....Flaming Lips
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6:13PM - Last nite........!
LASt nite was amazing..I "slept" at stephanies..lol well kinda...lol We went to Juans house last nite at like 930..lol then wen we got there we smoked and stuff. We watched resident evil and Blue streak good movies..lol well the other movie that we watched was very naughty..lol thanks to me and HEATHER.lol we watched a PRNoMovie..lol it was sooo funny Juan never expected that 2 girls would want to watch it..it was hot..lol steamy even..lol ALl i kno is that i want JUAN rlly bad..Mayb not sexually but emotionally i am feenin for him....I wanna make my own movie..lol ha ha i am soooo dirty..lol we stayed at Juans house until like 530 smokin shit like that play T AND D..lol omg it was sooo funny...lol i saw him in HIS BOXERS AND SOCKS>>OMG he got the hottest skinnest body..lol i think its soooo funny......I wish that he wanted me the way i want him...Yet i think he does..But mayb heather ruined it for me..I hope not.
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Saturday, October 23, 2004

9:51PM
I got my phone fixed.went to the bank..lol wat an adventure that was. My cuzin my uncle and I.lol Hah i wish that was the only places we went. we went to southwick to brooks.and i bought some stuff.SOmewas for Bianca...Perfume Lipgloss and hair spray all the nature girl things lol...Well Juan is supposed to call me and soo is Paul..Dunno if i am goin to the movies or not..Tom followed me like everywhere..LOl i saw him at wendys and at wally world.lol ha ha cowinkiedink..I think not.lol o well he wanted to meet my aunt.lol hes like i dont speak spanish Im like o wait shes black..OOOOPs lol...o well.
Current mood: okay
Current music: Bruce Springstein....Dancing in the dark
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Friday, October 22, 2004

9:45PM
MAn o man i wish i could have more days like this one....I got asked to the movies...lol and hes cute..Yesterday was like sex central minus the sex..I got wrestled...lolTony came to wendys and my heart stopped...Then it started beating faster and faster.......i just wanted to jump out the drive thru window..and like hug him forever....i dunno why but jus seein him makes me feel sooo wonderful..but then Paul....wants to chill with me..and wants me to go to the movies with him...Kyle said that it was a GREAT idea..But when this mini shindig is gunna happen i dunno...I love Tuck Everlasting its such a good movie..I wonder about being alive forever and the pros and cons..I sometimes believe that it would be wonderful..But at others i think that what kind of life it would be just to stay the way u r forever and watch all ur love ones die...I believe that, that is awful....I couldnt bear it..I mean i am supprised i am alive now after 3 of the closest people to me have passed my ma my dad and my gram..Wat i life i lead.
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Wednesday, October 20, 2004

8:52PM - Panic
today at work i had a panic attack...All i felt was my heart start beating really fast and i couldnt breathe. Then my eyes started watering..and i thought i was goin to die........MY body was shaking I thought i was goin crazy...Everyone that say we when i went into work before the panic attack began..was like o wow u look great someones happy..Juan took one look at me and said whats the matter.....Juan u r my hero for today...U jus make me smile and laugh even tho the u calling me thing..is prolly not gunna happen i cherrish everyday we work together...HELEN knows how i feel about u..lol ha Saturday nite i am lookin forward 2...
Current mood: frustrated
Current music: Russian trance.
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Tuesday, October 19, 2004

9:56PM - Achooo?
Your prolly wonderin why i changed my screen name to lllachooolll lol long storie but i guess i can tell it...lol My friends and i from where i used to live were all chillin walkin back from Holland Market...Where Pats mom works and we were jus walkin around i had a soda..and some type of candy.lol when didnt i have candy lol skittles especially...lol But anyways We were walkin and i was done..and i was always the conservative one that never did nethin wrong..*cough* *cough* So i threw the wrapper on the flow and went achooo..lol to distract them..lol Ha so much for that lol they called me achoo forever..lol i miss those days..I miss them...i cant wait til Nov 20 to see them i hope they can all come...I dont kno how i have made it so far without em..lol Missy and Meghan Sarah Hill and Melody..God melody....I havent talked to her in sooo long..theres jus soo much shit that goes along with talkin to her. I always think of her ma..and how sick she is and how i dont think that mel can handle her diein and i jus dont want her to..and she reminds me of me somedays..yet far more....depressed..she was always good at everything always sooo perfect never one bad thing about her...But now shes just a mess. and i dont think shes doin good even tho she may say shes fine..I dont have time nemore for ne one and if ive lost her..Than theres no hope for ne of my friends for here.wat if i rlly do move to florida..hah i barley talk to my friends from Wales Holland STurbridge and Brookfield now..And i live like 45 minutes away..wat if i moved like 3000 miles away..JESUS>..Bye bye everyone..lol thats soo bad..
lol hmmmm.......I have to go to work tomarra..im excited i get to see a special someone..lol, sadly were not workin together..but im workin with the other one.....lol well not a crush but a cool kid..man...well im not to sure wat he rlly is..loli am talkin to this kid Jonny..hes sooo nice..and somewhat cute..a military boy..from chicopee.lol We have somethings in common..lol....I am becoming kind of desperate..lol O well...YANKEES and SOX are TIED...i kinda want the red sox to win...jus to give em somewhat of a chance...BUT the curse is bringin them down.lol
Current mood: rejuvenated
Current music: Break my fall.....Breaking Benjamin
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Friday, October 15, 2004

8:35PM
Ive reached an all time low..I am jealous and....desperate..lol yeah thankz kyle for trying but i kno it wont work....Speaking of work...My job is awesome...SUCH wonderful people..lol i truely am a HAPPY WENDYS employee...i sound sooo corny i kno...but it rlly is my way out of things...MY aunt says i need to quit and find somewhere closer...but i dont want to...Hmmm..sometimes i think that she wants to keep me back....but she just wants to protect me i guess...HOw thats is protecting i dunno...Well i have been blown off 2 times in the past 3 days...and i guess i am aiming for 5 lol...I have no luck in the guy area...well except for the ones that wanna score...BUT WONT GET NE..Hmm...what am i doing here? HAHA..this boy at my job i am kinda crushin on....hes sooo silly.and cute.lol senior tho...dunno how thatll roll over to well with the GUARDIANS..o well doesnt matter neways...My cuzins friends all think i am like a computer feen...i am constintly on it..lol but not that much lately.....I have been workin alot alot alot...and it kinda sux...mainly cuz i have no time for anything else...I think my friends are even starting to doubt me as a person well in the FRIEND catagorey neways....Hah i dont even have enuff time for my family...let alone think about nethin...Thats why i am sooo relieved i have saturday off. I really am coming off as a complaner..lol but i dont mean to sound like a negative nelson...but hey its my time to tell how i feel for a change...Lol but now im done.lol
Current mood: disappointed
Current music: Green Day
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Saturday, October 9, 2004

10:42PM - Shes gone
In her mind things were going so sour. All she wanted was for things to be perfect. The last few nights she has been covering her pain with a lieing smile. She wanted nothing more than to be normal. Feel the same way as happy people. She wasnt happy she doesnt even know what happy was anymore. She was losing everything good and she knew it.She was just to scared to admit it. She attempted to go way...but she became to skared and gave up before trieing.
She knew that wouldnt solve nething for her. OR her family. That was the last thing that she wanted to do. Thank god she realized it. She goes to work to make money to buy what she needs, but what she needs is not what she buys. She needs to be loved and you cant buy that. There is nothing more exciting than what she does. Yeah right she wasts her time looking at a screen, SHe mainly wants people to notice her. Well special people. People that would like her for her, who ever she is.
So she sits at home and wastes her time on the internet. Looking for people that like the same things as her. SHe finds them she talks to them with high hopes to make a friend...Slowly she waits and waits...Some days go by and she still sits..Wanting life to end. SHes to young to have these feelings people say, she needs to keep it together. But god knows whats wrong with her. SHe really needs help but she just doesnt kno what it is she needs to say to get it. Shes to afraid to tell her family she needs to talk and to afraid to tell her SO CALLED friends shes going crazy. SHe just sits back and waits hoping someone will figure it out. But they dont. Shes in pain, So much pain she can barely deal.
The acceptance that she is given is some that she doesnt want. Her friends are all wrong, by what they feel and say. Some far to negative and the other always angry..Some make jokes all the time and never takes nething serious and the other is a horn dog..YEt shes not to far away in any of those catagories. She just sits in her room and pretends everything is ok. Yet when shes alone is when it all comes out. Everything just laid out. Her pillow holds every secret and every tear shes shed.
She sees herself as everyone else does. The girl that is chubby fat even.. Ugly yet pretty to some. No one will ever understand..Shes none of those...shes beautiful. her eyes are sooo dark and matured. they have seen so much more than others would believe..HEr body has been sooo twisted and demented that not even she can fix it...Her mind is soo advanced that she convinces herself she cant do anything. What she longs for is to be different. SKINNY beautiful. But thats not what she is meant for. SHes *her* and thats beautiful.
SHe makes pretend but who doesnt right?Mayb what she is going through is just in her mind..OR a PHASE as some others say. Shes sooo gone its hard for her to come back..Especially now.
Current mood: creative
Current music: Lit- looks like they were right
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2:14PM - Anxious..
Wow...a new journal, i have one on live journal and a nother one on greatest journal. Tonight we are having a dress rehersal for our sweet.. parties..I cant wait for NOV 20th...lol hah i am sooo excited...Hmmm o well.
Current mood: anxious
Current music: Joss Stone- You had me
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Current mood: refreshed
Current music: none
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