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Saturday, January 26th, 2008
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9:34 am - Meh
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I would give every last breath in me to wake up beautiful and worthwhile for a day.
current music: Manson- Mechanical Animals
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| Thursday, January 24th, 2008
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6:44 pm - Snow
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I love the way he moves through crowds. He reminds me of a breeze, slipping between the gaps, unnoticed save for lingering tones of his scent. I love the way his hands move over me. Definitely noticed.
Simply Your Sarah xx
current mood:  lazy
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| Monday, January 21st, 2008
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11:07 pm - Books
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I went perusing the book stores today- looking for something wildly imaginative with the kind of romantic imagery that makes you gasp at each twist and turn. I'm not talking romance novels- I'm just talking about something that's not crime. Something that may well be worth the paper it's written on for a unique image or idea. I ended up leaving with a book on 'the power of pursuasion.' What a waste of time.
Simply, as always,
Your Sarah xx
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| Friday, January 18th, 2008
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7:01 pm - Everything
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Sometimes I live these visions in my head, and sometimes they're beautiful. Today's was drowning. It was night time and I could feel the inky water creeping up my sides, fingering my skin with cold wet promise. It hits my throat and I gasp as I go under, allowing the darkness to consume me. There is no me- only the dark swirlings folded around listless limbs.
I found myself thhinking about Aman today. I'd been reading a diary entry from straight after- tha panic, the betrayal, the running home and not breathing was all there. And yet my magnificent mind has told me that it all can't be "that bad". Remarkable.
It's funny how you can turn something in on yourself. I'm nto angry at him at all. I'm still friends with him. And I can't decide if it's some weird variation of stockholm syndrome or just me being a little fucked. I have reasons in my head listed you see. Reasons why it's my fault and not his. Reason number one- I probably lead him on. Reason number 2- 'm probably over-exaggurating things in my head. Reason number 3- I didn't say 'no' clearly enough.
Heh. Who fucking knows. It was a long time ago now, I think I was 19.
Copied and pasted what I wrote way back when below:
THE FORCE GAME
We were friends.
"Sarah, just come lie down on the bed and chat to me..."
"No."
"Don't make me move..."
[Playful Laughter]
He dragged me to his bed.
"Come on, all I'm asking is for you to lie next to me. Tell you what, you lie on that side of the bed."
He pushed me against the wall on the far side of the bed, lying next to me. We were still friends. I was uncomfortable.
He tried to kiss me.
I said no.
[Anger]
He rolled over so that he was above me, hands pinning my down my arms. His tongue was in my mouth, I couldn't move. It was so forceful.
[Panic]
I managed to free myself somehow... I'm not sure how, he's strong.
"Come on, you know you want it too....."
"No, I don't..."
He pushed me back towards the bed, pinning me down again. He forced my lips open with his, shoving his tongue back into his mouth. I could feel him growing against me. He was shuddering with excitement.
I tried to kick him... he forced my legs apart, using his his feet to press down on my ankles.
"No, no. Stop it."
I was free again. I had thrown him off to my side, trapping myself between him and the wall. The only way to move was forwards.
I was crawling to get off the bed when he put the side of his arm across the front of my throat. I couldn't breathe.
[Terror]
I tried to move forwards, away from him. I was choking myself. I let him drag me back down to him and pin me back to the bed. He used his own body to keep me down as his lips moved over my breasts. I heard his belt snap undone.
[Mortification]
"No. Stop. I'm going home...."
His fingers fumbled at the buttons of my jeans? How was he able to do that and keep me pinned down? He couldn't. I threw him off again, grabbed my bag and ran for the door. He got there first. I don't know how. Maybe I was there first and he slipped in front.
"Let me get past"
"Just stay a few more minutes darlin'... we can play the force game and you know I'll win."
I reached past him to pull at the door handle. It was locked. He stood with his back against the door grinning at me.
[Fury]
"You locked the door?"
"Yep."
"Well unlock it then!"
"Later..."
I noticed a small metal latch on the doorhandle. I reached past him and turned it to snap open. I yanked at the door handle.
The door swung open.
I pushed him aside, hard. He stumbled sideways, long enough for me to leave and push the door back in his face. I didn't take the first staircase down, I ran through to the other wing of the building and took the second. I think that he took the first to follow me.
[Triumph]
Simply, as always,
Your Sarah xx
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| Monday, January 14th, 2008
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8:53 pm
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I can taste him, like fire hot on my tongue.
I breathe for the depths of his stare as he gasps for me,
and willingly,
knowingly,
I allow myself to be burned in his flame.
Just a few thoughts I penned on the train journey home.
I bought new shoes today- the kind that scream "fuck me". Either that or 'drag queen.' If a woman buys new shoes and pretends that she hasn't rushed home to try them on again, she's lying. If she's bought sexy shoes and pretends she hasn't run home to try them on with her favourite underwear, she's also lying.
I love my new shoes-.
Simply,
Your Sarah xx
current mood:  pleased
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| Sunday, January 13th, 2008
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11:39 pm - Snow
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Time spent with Snow was fantastic... honestly find a new thing to love about him every time I see him. I could stab myself through the foot for being so cliche. That boy is something special and I fully intend to dig my claws in. Poor poor Snow.
Work tomorrow is looming over my head like some great apocalypse. Woe is most certainly me, standing in its shadows and waiting for destruction. Woe is most certainly all of us.
Simply,
Your Sarah xx
current mood: loved
current music: Sleep Don't Weep- D.Rice
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11:33 am - Need
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A new dawn, a new day, and all of that. Today meets me with a surprising amount of need. I NEED to get in the shower and straighten the hell out of my hair to be somebody a little different today. I NEED to go and see my Snow leopard and bring myself back into captivity with him. I NEED everything to happen and everything to go away all at the same time.
Alas, the correct solutions do not always arise out of need. I know that. I've chosen my favourite need and I'll keep my fingers and toes crossed for that one panning out..
current mood:  lonely
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| Saturday, January 12th, 2008
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10:42 am - Cooked Fish Eyes
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I saw a half-blind man yesterday- he had a completely white eye. It reminded me a little of a cooked fish. You know when you leave its head on and bake it? No more black staring back at you- simply the glassy pearl of a fish undone. I felt a little sorry for this cooked fish man, although maybe it's a good thing to leave people thinking of the ocean as your dog tugs you through life.
Whatever, the case. I hope he was happy. I find it odd that he doesn't know I've spent many a moment contemplating him. I guess that's how we walk through life- we al weave into each others and the impact that we may have often goes unnoticed.
Thank you Mr Fish Man- I shall be more wary of my impact.
I leave you simply,
Your Sarah xx
current mood:  thoughtful
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| Friday, January 11th, 2008
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12:25 am - Walking and Lesbian Sex
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I've taken up walking- new year and all of that. None of that rambling in anoraks through stinging nettles and the like, but rather the walk of the city girl- I'm convinced that a 20 minute walk to buy my sandwich at lunchtime is just the ticket to getting me healthier. And so come 1pm every day I bundle up like an indian eskimo (as if that weren't a contradiction in itself), allow the clocking machine to gobble up my timecard and hit the road. I sing along in my head to the sound of my stilletoes pounding furiously away at the pavement.
Today I saw golden leaves swirling in currents, skimming the pavement. It seemed out of place in January- shouldn't we have snow? I also spotted a woman striding towards me wearing a white coat. I envy people who can wear white coats and look good on 2 levels. The first is that I would never ever be able to keep it clean, and the second is that white just doesn't suit me. I always resemble a rather clumsy polar bear as opposed to the swan-like thing gliding towards me.
As I was walking, shoulders hunched as though I was desperately conserving heat in the arctic, my mind turned to Boy N and his cumslut, Jo. It always surprises me a little that I know people like Jo. Massive tits. Massive all over in fact. Complete, undeniable whore. She seems to get a lot of action though and I envy her for her confidence. She tried getting some from me a couple of years ago but her doughy white body would never have looked good pressed to mine (also doughy.. fat on fat sex between girls is not so hot). She told me that Boy N used to bite her neck until she'd bleed. Arched eyebrows, I considered how this brought Boy N up in my estimation. He had gone from the shy little fawn I perceived him to be, the man who once asked my permission to 'touch a little', to a kinky little bastard. Right under my nose and I didn't sniff it out. Talk about walking round with my eyes closed. I should have known by the way he'd choose black and vamp for me to wear everytime we met. Despite that, I never was attracted to him. Poor bugger was doomed from the moment I first talked dirty to him.
Simply,
Your Sarah xx
current mood:  energetic
current music: Mr. Manson
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