american hi fi   
09:55pm 25/06/2004
mood: cheerful
"one look and you knock me out, put me on the floor with a ten count.."
10:25am 14/06/2004
  i have been very happy the last few days, but i feel as though that is going to change. we are coming up on the, "one year ago today's" i hate those.

yesterday, one year ago, i got my license.
09:20am 28/05/2004
  i haven't slept more than four hours the last two nights. i have been up late talking to phil. i think he is great. it's funny that we can hold a conversation for hours... i haven't had that since freshman year with kevin. i missed it. four hour conversations are excellent.
i talked to kevin yesterday. i don't know why i was weak. i wanted him to come to me, but i saw him and had to talk to him. i told him i missed him and wanted to talk to him more often. it was awkward. i hate that it is awkward. i want him to be in love with me still... i don't think it's that hard. i saw him this morning, which jaclyn. i really do not like her. yuck. he smiled at me, as usual, not even a hello. it hurts so bad.
i am meeting with jen today. next week is our last week to meet before school gets out. that's sad. we are still going to meet during the summer, i just don't think it will be the same because when i see her at school, i'm in the middle of all my stress. she sees me at my low. but i hope that things work out this summer. i really like talking to her, even though i cry every time. its good to cry once in a while, or... once a week.
i heard the acoustic verson of 'until the day i die' on the way to school this morning. acoustic music is beautiful. i want to hear more! this line has been stuck in my head. obviously reminding me of kevin each time i sing it to myself... "there's no blame for how our love did slowly fade..." i am absolutely in love with death cab for cutie.
christal isn't here. booo! rose is gone, nicole is gone, christal took the day off. i'm alone! well, i'm going to go see if phil has e-mailed me back. it would be super cool if he were only so i would have someone to talk to for the next hour. i wouldn't feel so lonely.
09:41am 18/05/2004
  i am having an awfully hard time concentrating in school this week... i don't really know why. i think it's because of kevin. not that i have talked to him, but i heard him and jacqui are having a hard time, so obviously that makes me a little uneasy. i want him to come back to me so badly. i miss him a lot. on the way to school this morning, for some weird reason, i just hoped he would be waiting for me. i just want to feel his hug.
caitlin came over yesterday, and we had a talk... about life, boys... you know. so of course, kevin was mentioned and i tried to explain to her how it felt that first day i went to kevins. not talking to him for over six months, and seeing him, and hugging him, and everything just feeling right. even though it wasn't. nothing was right, but it felt it. he told me that as he layed with his head in my lap, he felt like i was finally his... and i was. i have been. since freshman year. and i am afraid that i am always going to be. it wouldn't be so scary if i knew he was always going to be mine too. that's all i really want, even if we see other people now, i still know we are going to be together. forever. some day.
my parents have been real uptight assholes the last few days. i just want out. the last month, i have been preoccupying myself so that i wouldn't have a second to think about kevin. i have been out with friends every night, always doing something. and i have been happy. i'm not happy about how my school work has been effected, but i can't admit to anyone that i am still having trouble concentrating because of him. i have been skipping, which i would have never done if kevin were around. i think maybe i am doing these things in spite of him... but it's only going to effect me. i'm an idiot.
i really need to take a walk or something because i am freaking out. i feel like i have so much energy and i want to let it out. kick and break things. i'm not even angry, just so kajdlkasjd. i am dreading lunch. i hate going. kristen = loser since she lost kevin. i miss him. ugh god i love him. elyse said we would sit together today and try to start up our table again, but who knows? and i don't want to go to c block because i skipped yesterday and i am afraid that dr. hannah is going to be disappointed in me. i don't like it when the people i look up to are disappointed in me. which brings me to this...
kayla has been acting out. shes nine and claws at her face and breaks things and hurts herself. i told her the other day that i was disappointed in her! why would i say that? i know how badly it hurts... and i know that she looks up to me, so why would i do it? i feel so terrible about it. i still have to have a talk with her, but really don't know what to say. i don't want to upset her or hurt her. it sucks that a nine year old is going through this. i feel so bad. and mad... at my parents. for putting this all on me.

til tomorrow...
2 | comment
10:02am 17/05/2004
  it has been slightly over a month since he broke up with me, and almost a month since he has been with his new girlfriend. saturday night was our junior prom, and i didn't go because he wouldn't go with me... he said it was too expensive. he went anyway. however, he didn't go with his new girlfriend. he took a stranger. it was too expensive to take the girl you were in love with for three years, but it wasn't too expensive to take a stranger. or he lied to me... either way makes me hate him even more. however, last night kiera told me that he doesn't want to be with jacqui anymore. he said things are awkward between them. as much as i don't want to see them together, i don't want them to break up either, because i am afraid he is going to come back to me and i am afraid i am going to be too weak to say no. i want him back, i do, but then again, i don't. see - confusing! he has hurt me so badly, hasn't talked to me in weeks, why would i want to go back to that? and i have tim! tim is great and there are definetely sparks there. who knows where it could go? even though i love kevin, and feel like i always will because my feelings for him haven't changed through all the shit we have put each other through the last three yers, i don't think i want to be with him right now. i want time to live and be myself. i want to be happy with myself and be less dependent on people. i need to learn how to control my anger. and even though i have started to get help, i'm not better, and kevin said we would get back when i am better. i don't think highschool is the place for a relationship based on love. we should wait til we are older... and if the feelings are still there, we were meant to be.
then again, who knows if he is going to come back? maybe he just feel in love with the stranger he took to our prom. he does that... falls for every girl he meets. i always hated that about him. so maybe its not only me that needs to get better, it's him too. he needs to work on him, being happy alone... cause i don't think he is. i can't remember a time when i didn't have a girlfriend... ahh i don't know. i'm confused and really need to talk to jen. she wasn't in last friday, so when i see her friday it is going to be two weeks since our last meeting. i should write the things down that i need to talk about, because there have been many. i had a little anger episode at work yesterday that i think i should talk to her about. kicked things... fuck. that's what i am supposed to be working on!
anyway, i should go do some work. i got my progress report on saturday and i am so mad at myself, especcially after seeing my sat scores on friday. my future doesn't look too bright. blah.
10:29am 06/05/2004
  i am so stupid. i called kev last night, and totally regret it. i didn't even talk to him, and i regret it.
adam scanlon came into my work to see me last night. his mother kicked him out of the house again. i have no idea where he is staying. he was upset, you could see it in his eyes. he is lost. i feel so bad, but i haven't talked to that boy in over a year. he would call me for a few weeks, stop calling for a few months, call me for a few weeks, stop again. and now hes back and its weird. i think hes lonely. idk... weird.
two broken hearts too weary to fight...   
09:50am 05/05/2004
  things have been looking up lately. i feel like i am getting my life back together, AND making it better. last night i went to papa gino's with sam, sami, and jenn. even though i hardly know sami and jenn, we had a great time and just laughed the entire time. i like the idea of a girl's night.. the idea of actually having girlfriends. i always surrounded myself with boys because of the attention and whatnot, but having girls that i can trust and have fun with seems great to me and i really hope they invite me next tuesday too.
tim and i are kind of at a halt. we haven't had the time to hang out at all this week because our work schedules are completely opposite, which also means i won't work with him all week. not even sunday! i don't think alex would do that on purpose, but then again, who knows? he seemed excited for tim and i, but he probably doesn't want it to interfer with our work, which it hadn't, but whatever. i guess i kind of understand. i think i may save saturday night and ask tim to do something after work... we'll see.
i am being dismissed today at 1:30, but decided just to skip d block all together. i hate math and we have a quiz today that i am not prepared for at all. i forged my pass and its extremely noticable, but im hoping it will just be over looked. i have my very first anger management/counceling appointment at 2, but have to fill out paper work and whatnot before hand, so i figured 1:45 would be good. my mom is meeting me there just in case they need her to sign anything and whatever. im a little nervous.
i talked to kevin yesterday abotu junior prom, and he said he doesn't want to go because its expensive. however, he takes his new girlfriend jacqui out to dinner every night and brings her bowling and to the pool hall and drives her EVERYWHERE. but ya know, spending 40$ on a prom ticket and renting a tux to go to prom is just way to much to spend on your ex-girlfriend that you were completely in love with for three years and promised to go to prom with, EVEN AFTER THE BREAK UP. argh. that sort of pissed me off. but, i DID go to junior prom last year, and i am going to senior prom this year, so maybe its good that im not going to go to junior prom. however, if he takes jacqui and lied to me about MONEY being an issue, i will make sure he never has children. =)
take care dolls
09:27am 30/04/2004
  it has been nearly three weeks since kevin broke up with me, and i am still pretty screwed up about it. three days after the last time we had sex, he met another girl, was with another girl. as of the 27th, they are "together" *pukes* i'm so hurt. im trying really hard not to be the jealous bitchy ex-girlfriend type, but i can't help being jealous because i am love kevin and just want to be with him. i hate seeing him holding her hand, or hearing about how he spoils her. it hurts so bad.
however, when i am with tim, i couldn't be happier. we hung out sunday and just watched power rangers and ninja turtles. i don't know if he just takes my mind off kevin because i like the attention, or if i really am starting to like him. but it's not usual for me to be excited about going to work... and i am anxious for five o'clock to come so i can see him until ten, AT WORK. i get all giddy thinking about him. talking to him for two minutes will put a smile on my face for the rest of the day. he kissed me tuesday night after the yellowcard concert. we had a blast. and i was still feeling all stupid and smiley when i was home in bed.
i haven't talked to kevin since tuesday. its weird because i was so used to calling him in the morning, seeing him at school, seeing him between every class, sitting with him at lunch, going to his house after school. either until 9 or until i had to work. then calling him when i got home and talking to him until i went to sleep, only to wake up and talk to him in the morning... my entire world has changed. i'm starting to get used to it.
elyse brought me to the access center after my fight with kevin on tuesday. i have trouble handling my anger, and mrs. canavan is going to help me with it. anger management has always been something i joked about, but i know its serious and i am actually excited to start getting help. i want to change. i want to be a better person. at first, it was for kevin. now i know it has to be for me.
well, i am missing five assignment, better get going on em.... <3
yellowcard - one year, six months   
11:39am 08/01/2004
  i know that every time i post, i talk about him... but i can't help myself. it has been seven months since our fall out, and i just want him back.. i'm trying to get him back

sew this up with threads of reason and regret
so i will not forget, i will not forget
how this felt one year six months ago i know
i cannot forget, i cannot forget

i'm falling into memories of you
things we used to do
follow me there, beautiful somewhere,
a place that i can share with you

i can tell that you don't know me anymore
it's easy to forget, sometimes we just forget
being on this road is anything but sure
maybe we'll forget, i hope we don't forget

i'm falling into memories of you
things we used to do
follow me there, beautiful somewhere,
a place that i can share with you

so many nights
legs tangled tight
wrap me up in a dream with you
close up these eyes
try not to cry

all that i got to pull me through is memories of you..

i'm falling into memories of you
things we used to do
follow me there, beautiful somewhere,
a place that i can share with you

falling into memories of you
things we used to do
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missing him   
12:15pm 17/12/2003
  today is his 18th birthday. i remember last year... all you can eat pizza night at papa ginos. man oh man.. i read all of the emails i had ever gotten from him. it made me miss him even more...

we got the whole day together, which im pretty pumped about cuz youre the best and i couldnt stop thinking about you tonight

i miss you, pretty bad, i still wanna be with you, pretty bad

i miss you, i havent gotten a hug from you in so long, its not cool at all lol

im pretty excited about today, cant wait to see you, we havent really hung out in a while you know, im looking foward to it, get to see your pretty smile all day

i just need to stop missing you so bad cuz if i call you or somehting i know ill just get all stupid, so i want that to pass so i can be friends cuz i know thats what you want and its what i want too you know, so just try and understand if i act weird ok?

just things like that. i want to be with him. how fucked up am i? i think i love him, i loved him and threw it away because i thought i wanted things with kevin. do i love him or just miss the attention? i am so sorry for hurting him so badly, i want to take it all back. i want to hug him.

happy birthday loser.
stay with me...   
12:02pm 12/12/2003
mood: aggravated
"l- is for the way you look at me. o- is for the only one i see. v- is very very extraordinary. e- is even more than anyone that you adore."
what can i say? im a sucker for the temptations and for johnny! :P

i hate to be one of those suckers that bitches and complains to their stupid online journal, but i am having a bad day! with all of the crap with dss and my mother, i have been all stressed out. this morning, i woke up late and had to rush to get ready for school. as i am pulling into the school, somone runs a stop sign. i tried to break and avoid hitting them, slid on a patch of ice, (god damn new england snow!) and hit another car that was parked, dropping their kids off. and THEN, THE LADY THAT RAN THE STOP SIGN DROVE BY ME SWEARING AT ME! it was her god damned fault, and i damn near jumped right throw her windshield to beat her ugly face in.
other than that, my day has been dandy.

i know that i have really lacked with updating, but my computer at home has been down and i haven't had a chance in vhs with all of the work i am struggling to make up. soon... soon, i promise i will get back to normal!
10:41am 24/10/2003
mood: sleepy
things i have to do soon ::

x. return clothes i bought in wrentham
x. return "the club" my grandma bought me
x. fill my gas tank
x. pay my 222$ car insurance bill
x. clean my room
x. catch up with VHS work
x. make more money
x. apply at itz a party
x. apply anywhere that is hiring
x. quit wendy's
x. hang with donald
x. spend time with my little lola and david
x. go see scary movie 3 with timothy

i think that sums it up.
11:05am 23/10/2003
mood: bored
sometimes it hurts to see his smiling face because i know he is doing okay without me. that is wrong. that makes me feel terrible. i wanted him to miss me more than he has. i am a bitch.
sometimes i hit myself in the face, and expect it to hurt longer than it does. the pain fades. i want it to last forever. i want the bruises to stay. i like to see the results of the pain. i am sick.
sometimes when i am alone at night, i cry. crying (when you are alone) is a good thing. just like bleeding, its a sensation as if everything is just flowing out of you, getting rid of all the bad.

have a good day
1 | comment
i guess i'll call or see you around, yeah...   
11:00am 20/10/2003
mood: indescribable
quote of the day: "if you need me, i'll be lying in washington street, face down, so i'm harder to scrape off the ground. don't worry about me, i'm just fine like always. fine like always..."
the last two days have been good i suppose. other than being totally run into the ground, everything has been going smoothly. i worked a nine hour shift yesterday, then did homework for two hours, then was on the phone until ten o'clock with kev. i just need to go to sleep. i also need to shave my legs, but that is beside the point.
grades close in a week and a half. i still have a D in chemistry. i am having so much trouble pulling that up. i do absolutely terrible on tests. my lab reports have even been terrible lately. vhs is also starting to be a drag. i must admit, i do not do any work anymore. i am on week three and four when we should be on seven. it is very stressful, but my own fault.
i am going to family planning today. i am scared. i don't know how long it is going to take or what they are going to have to do. i have to work at five, so hopefully it won't be too long. i don't want to spend my entire afternoon there. i hope everything turns out okay. i hope i have the will power to swallow the pills.

not fair   
07:35pm 18/10/2003
mood: confused
quote of the day: "i wish i had saved the tears you made me cry so that i could drown you in them."
life isn't fair, and you either have to except that or you are doing to die even more miserable than if you had just understood the fact that nothing in life would go your way, and made the best of it. every person that i am close to is some what like me. i find myself getting close to people that have similar problems as me because i hope that i can help them, even though i cannot help myself. i want to be the one to make everyones problems disappear, but i cannot even solve my own.
tonight has been a horrible night. i feel like i cannot handle my life anymore. i want to die sometimes... but when i am given the oppurtunity, i don't take it. i am too afraid to take it. i often wonder who would even care if i did pass... i want to witness my funeral just to see who would be there. i'm sure i can name the handful, other than my family that would feel obligated to go, yes... a handful.
kiera, kevin, donald, holly, vinnie
nicole would be there if she wasn't in the hospital. sometimes i am mad at her because she is there. we started to go through all this at the same time. i got "better" and she got worse. i want to save her. she saved me. i thought we were helping each other... i was wrong. i feel terrible. i feel so guilty for being mad at her, she did nothing wrong. i just want to give her a hug right now.
kevin and i had unprotected sex tonight and he finished inside of me. i am so scared. i cannot beleive that this is happening. i don't even know who i can tell about this. i feel dirty. that is terrible. i love him, yet he made me feel so disgusting about myself. we had been fighting in the first place, and i didn't even really want to, but i let him. as soon as he finished, i just started crying. i feel like i am in this alone. i have to go to family planning on monday to get the morning after pill. i have trouble swallowing pills. kevin doesnt understand that. he thinks that i just don't want to take the pills. he got mad at me about that also.
am i wrong for feeling alone?
new journal   
11:01am 17/10/2003
mood: exhausted
quote of the day: " a bad star, i'm fallin faster down to her. she's the only one who knows what it is to burn.."
every entry, i will open with a different quote. get used to it. anyway, for the last four years, i have been a dedicated livejournal user. however, my school has livejournal on block and the only time i ever have the chance to update is while i am in my virtual highschool class.
a lot of things have really gotten me down lately, and that is another plus to having a journal that my friends will not know about... i don't want anyone to know how i feel. i don't want anyone to know that i cry myself to sleep at night. that is an issue that i have to deal with, i don't want to put it on any of my friends.
what has really gotten to me lately are my memories. sometimes i wish that things weren't remembered. or that i suddenly got amnesia.
school has also been troubling me. i want to succeed. i want to have a high gpa and get into a good college. it is ironic that holly and i were so close for so long, and she is number one in her class and i struggle like this. i want to be able to get into a good college. i want to have a good future to look forward to.
working is also stressing me out. working 21 hours a week is too much, i know that, but it is what i have to do. i am so run down between work, school, kevin, that i get barely enough sleep at night. i like my job, it has just gotten to be to much. i cannot stand many of the people i work with, and i am currently applying at other places. for example, i am picking up an application for itz a party today. i think i have a good chance there. however, alex will be mad if i leave. but, oh well...
tomorrow are the psats. i am nervous. it is just a pre test, but i have to work tonight, kiera is spending the weekend, i am supposed to pick up my check before 11, and psats are frm 8-11 or 12. so, i am poor until monday. i need gas. i need a money tree.
my eyes keep juicing! the nurse said that it is just my allergies... damn allergies. imagine if i did get that kitten that i have been dreaming about. i think it would be the death of me. but at the same time, i long for a kitten still.
kevin and i have been fighting terribly lately. i really wish that things were different between us. i expected things to be different between us. teenage romances are stupid. i wish i were 23 so that i could simply marry him and we would be mature enough to deal with it. we are just to young for this. i am afraid to say i love him because i don't want to lose him. he says i need to give him my all or we are not going to get anywhere, we will just continue to fight. "love is giving someone the ability to hurt you, but trusting them not to." trust is hard for me. i need to work on it. i haven't been trying as hard as i should. i don't want to lose him.

have a good day.
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