12:42am 21/10/2003
 
mood: confused
i miss brent a whole whole bunch. i told him that and he said he doubted it cause i had other things to keep me busy. and ya know, what the fuck is that supposed to mean? actually, wait, i know what that means, it just pisses me off that he brought that up. but it was good to talk to him again...and he said that we might get to hang out again sometime. (yea in brent language that means, hmm i'll say it to seem like the nice guy but i'll just always happen to be busy when we have plans). i don't know as much as i miss him, i dont want to deal with all this shit with him all over again. i'm really not strong enough to do that.
i talked to eric tonight. that was...uhm strange. it isn't that he doesn't like me, he's just in a weird time in his life. hmm...i don't know which line i like better, that one or "i just dont want us to go out cause then we will go out and break up and never talk again and i just care about our friendship too much to let that happen". i've been gettin that one for over a year, maybe "it isn't that i don't like you, i am just in a wierd time in my life" is now my new favorite line cause it is new. :) i love him, with all my heart. oh well
 
   

(♥ here's my heart...take it...)

 
ahh too many thoughts going through my head...   
01:32pm 21/10/2003
 
mood: thoughtful
emily is finally starting to get better which makes me happy cause i was extremely worried about her. me and her are gonna hang out in like 2 weekends so that will be fun.

i emailed eric last night and kinda tried explaining my feelings to him. i told him how i know i can't ever become good enough for him and that really bothers me. and how i know as soon as he starts to like me again tiffany will realize she was dumb for breaking up with him and be like i'm sorry i still love you and they'll get back together and i'll lose him again. i realize i should want him to be happy but for some reason, him being happy always makes me unhappy. he told me that "it isn't that i don't like you, i'm just in a weird time in my life". what kind of shit is that????? what the fuck. but i believe i still like "it isn't that i dont' like you but if we go out and then break up we will never talk again and i like our friendship too much to do that". yea, i think i like that one better than the new one. i know that it is only time before tiffany wants to be back with him and i feel real helpless just sittin around waiting for him to go back to her and we have to go back to just friends. i'm so scared of that. it is so hard to sit by and watch the one you love, love somebody else. but there isnt a damn thing i can do but sit by and wait.

sometimes i wonder what would have happened if things were different with me and brent. i wonder how things would be now. i think maybe it is better all that shit happened to end our friendship, cause we were about to tear each other apart and he was desperately looking for an excuse to end things. i really miss him. and sometimes i try to just stop thinking of him cause it just hurts too much.

i was lookin at all my pictures and realized how much i really miss ben. people have told me he's back at stockbridge now. i mean, some things have happened between us a LONG time ago that makes other parts of my life a lot harder, but ben was almost like a brother to me. he was there to protect me and make me feel better. anytime things were goin wrong he'd just wrap his arms around me and we'd stay like that until i started laughing. he was such a great person and i miss him greatly. i wish i could just call him but during the summer he said he'd call me and he never did so i'm just assuming that maybe things were just meant to be left the way they were.

danny makes me laugh. i don't know why but even now he still continues to talk to me. every so often when he has something to brag about he'll im me and be like hey. and then he'll tell me what has been goin on in his life and i'll tell him some of what has been happening with me and then we are done. it happens atleast once a month. i think when i get my license i'll probably go to his work to see him cause i haven't seen him since the last day of school.

i'm starting to get real stressed out. i'm so sick of doin all of my damn schoolwork. i don't know...i'm starting to get sick of doin stuff...i feel so lazy...i hate feelin this way
 
   

(♥ here's my heart...take it...)

 
so many things...   
09:32pm 21/10/2003
 
mood: uncomfortable
i'm so frustrated all the sudden and i'm not really sure why. i know part of it but i dont know, it is just kinda like everything is becoming too much for me.
i talked to billy a lil while ago. i love my lil billy. he's gonna be 16 on friday so i'm probably gonna actually go to church on sunday to see him.
eric is just now realizing that i seriously will do just about anything for him. his christmas present this year is costing me over $100. and ya wanna know why i am doing this? cause i love him. where as he said to me "i wuv u" no. not working. i'm buyin him this shit i want him to love me, not just wuv me.
i did a bad thing...actually not me, sarah did it, but kinda by me saying well, you are the one doing it, i'm just here over your shoulder so you do whatever you have to do. hmm not good. oh well, too late to change it now :) hehe
 
   

(♥ here's my heart...take it...)