| i wish i could have just stayed lil forever | ||||
| 02:20pm 13/10/2003 | ||||
there are some things i never ever talk about cause it is stuff i feel makes me vulnerable cause it was a big big part of my life. i finally said something to somebody and as much as i needed to get it out, it really didn't help. maybe some things should just stay bottled up inside. i did something i shouldn't have done. now i feel bad for it even though technically this person won't ever know my real intentions. i'm starting to change again and i'm really not liking me now. i'm so much more angry and more deceitful and keeping more to myself. i'm basically concluding that i'm becoming a horrible person now. i'm starting to kinda feel as though i'm having to grow up sooner than other people. like everybody else my age is always out having fun and getting drunk and high and acting all immature and shit. where as i am the one that is graduating a year early, and starting college a year before i'm supposed to and all these other responsibilites are falling on me. everybody expects me to act mature all the time. so when somebody provokes me and i fight back i'm like this horrible immature kid. philip is always telling me i'm so fucking immature and shit where he is the one that acts 2 but he's a boy so it is expected of him. and it just seems unfair that i'm not able to act like a kid because then oh my god, i would just be a horrible person. i'm kinda starting to think that nothing i ever do will be good enough for anybody. unreal expectations have been placed on me and whereas i'm doin my best to live up to that shit it is hard. on the outside i have to act as though i have everything all together and i'm this mature person who can handle stuff and doesn't need help from anybody. where in reality on the inside i just want to cry and cry and never stop. i wish i could just go back to being like 3 years old. i had no problems and i was allowed to be like i wanted to be. 3 was a good age. i wish we could all just stay little forever and not ever have to grow up. that would be nice. |
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contemplative| 10:53pm 13/10/2003 | |||
| i'm kinda starting to realize all the lil stuff that i miss about him...like his horrible spelling of words and the way he is always trying to act like a tough guy. i really miss him. it has been 3 weeks and each day i miss him even more than the one before. i'm gonna go crazy if i have to go much longer without him talking to me. i love him so much. | |||
| simplymiserable | ||
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