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| 12:16am 29/09/2003 |
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mood:  drunk music: ive gota lovly bunch a coconut there they r standin in a row
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so i'm sittin here with my lovely vodka and orange juice. problem being...i'm allergic to oranges so i will be real real sick in the morning. but its all good it is making my night better now. i "borrowed" some from my sister. shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh dont tell! only bad thing bout drinkin is it makes me have to pee A LOT!!! the last lil bit of each glass is pure vodka cause it just floats its way up to the top of the glass...dont like pure vodka...cough cough...it is grosss!!! i love eric. yess i surly do....but eric doesn't like bekah no no no. and that makes me sad :( that's why i'm drinking to make me not sad cause when i drink i get unsad and that makes me HAPPY!!! YAWN i'm so tired but i'm not done with this lovely drink yet and it is good so i plan on finishing it. damn it is hot in my house. maybe i'll go outside in a bit cause it is cool out there. i love the fall weather. it is so nice and cool and not hot. so mr brent has a girlfriend now. i wonder who it is. i would call him right now and talk but then i'd be intruding in his life and that just isn't nice. it is 12:26 am and he has school in teh morning and i don't want to be a bother to him anymore. even though i want to talk to him. i went grocery shopping today. sarah is on this whole i'm gonna diet thing so she was buyin fat free low calorie foods and so for fun i bought like tons of cookies and fattening stuff just to tempt her. mwahahaha i think it is funny. i'm a funny funny gal. eric needs to get on the internet soon so that i can talk to him. i want him to break up with his damn girlfriend but i knwo that wont ever happen. and even if it did he wouldn't ever go out with me. he always gives me these lame ass excuses. the main one...and my favorite is "oh we are just such great friends and if we went out then we would break up and never talk again and i care too much about our friendship to let that happen." so what he really means is "oh you are a ugly fat bitch and i hate you and would never consider liking you ever but i don't want to be the cause of any more hurt so i'll just lie to you and try to make you feel better about yourself" that's what he really means. but it isn't working. i mean why would he care just about mine and his friendship? why doesn't he care about his and tiffany's? if they break up and never talk again...why doesn't he care about that? oh right..cause he likes her...and hates me. just like every other fucking person in my life. damn my house is really really hot...but yea. and now everybody has somebody and that makes me sad. the one person i could count on to not have somebody and make me feel better about myself now has a girlfriend. so i'm the person that is all alone and nobody even fuckin cares about me now. wow thats sad. i'm gonna die alone and nobody will ever fucking care. and ashly. oh my fuckin shit...that girl cant make up her mind about who she's gonna like. it is craziness. and she keeps getting stuck on the dumbass preston. all he does is fuck her over...he treats her like shit but she puts up with it. and then the girl thinks she can lecture me on me and eric. HELL NO! that shit aint cool. i love eric. i have been in love with him for over a year. i have been friends with him for 2 years. she has fuckin known preston for like 5 fuckin months and she doesn't love him. she just wants his body (which he's an ugly ass dude..she can do better). but where does she get off tellin me not to care about the guy i love anymore? that's shit! so much fucking shit! damn why the fuck is my house so damn hot. eww the orange juice is starting to get to me and make me sick...so it will be a long night full of me either throwing up or not being able to breathe. that could be fun. but i believe i'm gonna go and email brent and tell him hi cause i haven't done that...and then i'm goin outside and sit out there watching pretty stars and trying to cool off and not puke on myself. buhbye all!!! :) |
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| 05:18pm 29/09/2003 |
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mood:  bored
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so today has been real boring so far. i hate being home while everybody else is in school...there is nothing to do! and the only thing on tv is soap operas...which are horrible! i've been cleaning the house all day. i've been so bored i actually cleaned...without momma asking me to. i still haven't found out who brent's girlfriend is.....man i am really curious. eric still isn't talking to me which sucks greatly. he wont respond to my emails...:( hopefully ashly will be free one day after school so me and her can go see eric at work. i hope things get better with me and eric soon. i really miss him. i love him so much. |
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| 10:11pm 29/09/2003 |
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mood:  thoughtful music: green day-time of your life
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another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
so make the best of this test and dont ask why
its not a question but a lesson learned in time
its something unpredictable but in the end its right
i hope you had the time of your life
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so i really am missin eric like crazy. and ash said she would take me to see him, but i feel bad for it. maybe in a month when i get my license i'll go there myself and apologize to him. i mean, me and him have gone like 3 months without talking to each other so a month wont absolutly kill us, right?
i emailed brent last night. but i don't remember what i said...hope i wasn't too dumb. i'm really happy for brent. i'm glad he has a girlfriend. it is good for him. maybe now he can be happy...i hope he will be happy....he deserves to be.
i'm still trying to come up with a good excuse to get out of heritage's homecoming. i SO dont wanna go but eme just isn't realizing this. i have told her i don't want to...i have made up so many different excuses and she just wont accept the fact that i don't wanna go. so what i'm kinda hoping is that me and her wont hang out between now and then (she promised we would but then again, everybody promises we will hang out and never do) so if i don't see her i don't give her money for the ticket and therefore i don't have to go. hey yeah that's actually a good idea! :)
i hope eric is going to forgive me......i hope he does. i'm sick of apologizing but i always seem to fuck up so i always have to apologize. but i love him so it is all worth it |
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| i can't deal with this shit much longer |
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| 11:37pm 29/09/2003 |
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mood:  jealous music: jessica andrews~unbreakable heart
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an empty room, a broken fairy tale
a hollow girl, with empty arms
from an angel's tears, god made the stars
why can't he make me an unbreakable heart
in my blue world, you shone like heaven's fire
and left me cryin in the dark
how could anyone be so hard
did you think i had an unbreakable heart?
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i love eric. eric loves her. i'm so fuckin jealous of her. how can i be this jealous of a person i've never met? why am i always the one that is gettin fucked over? why can't anybody ever like me? what the hell is so fuckin wrong with me to where it is impossible for anybody to like me? and what i love is his excuse...we are just too good of friends. i dont want to ruin that. yea. what the fuck ever! he just doesn't wanna make me feel bad cause he knows he's the reason for most of what i'm goin through...he's why i have most of the esteem issues that i do. i mean damn, he's picked 4 fuckin girls over me!!! in 2 years!!! oh but we will always be friends...yea and that is why he wont fuckin talk to me now? i'm so sick of this. i'm cant put up with it much longer. and i have to keep all this in cause everybody else is goin through shit too and i'm there for them and try to help them. and by the time i've helped them, they can't talk to me anymore. i just wanna EXPLODE!!!!! i hate being jealous of people...specially people i've never even met. i hate feeling like i cant control my emotions. i hate cryin all the time and not really knowing why. i'm sick of being forced into doin something i really don't wanna do. i hate the fact that i cant tell people no. i hate doing everything just so i wont disappoint somebody. damn what happened in 7th grade.......if it wasnt for that i wouldnt feel bad for being a disappointment. damn him for making me feel this way....it is in fact his fault. i wish i could just erase all memory of 7th grade...i'd be a much better person if i could... |
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