| i wish i wasn't me.. |
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| 01:12pm 23/09/2003 |
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mood:  lazy music: what was i thinkin...
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i hate being me. i'm so fucking lonely. the guy i'm in love with has a girlfriend. a very pretty girlfriend at that. of course i can't compete with that. i mean, she lives like 3 hours away (i think?) but he loves her. i mean, of course he wouldn't care about me when he has a pretty girl like her that likes him. i have never worried about the other ones cause well, they were not cute at all...some even looked like guys...but this one is different...she's so pretty. and before i saw a picture of her i could like put an image of her in my head to where i was thinkin that she was ugly and then i saw a picture of her...and she isn't ugly. damn it! so now i'm absolutly certain that he will never like me. why should he? he has this real pretty girl that likes him...so compared to her i look like an ugly piece of shit. and the funny thing is, i was actually starting to feel a bit better about myself until i saw the picture of her. he's always used the excuse that me and him never went out cause we are such good friends and so we would go out and break up and never talk again and he just doesn't want that...hmm yea...that's a bunch of shit!!! why's he only worried about screwing up a friendship with me and nobody else? i know that he's really thinkin that he wouldn't ever wanna be with me and he thinks i'm dumb so i'll believe that lame ass excuse. and plus if he tells me that he doesn't like me and never will he thinks i'll stop doing stuff for him. as much as he tries to make it seem different, i know that if i wouldn't have money...if i wouldn't have always been giving him money, that we wouldn't be friends right now. that's why we've been friends for 2 years...cause he needs money and i have it. and if i try to tell him no he uses the whole oh but you love me so you want to do this. damn it! of course i'm gonna give him money when he uses that! its weird how i can't ever stand up for myself with him. i have no problem telling anybody else to go fuck themself...but with him...i can't really be mean to him...i can't tell him what i am feeling...i just go along with everything no matter what. which is why i'm the one getting fucked over all the time. i love him and would do anything for him. he barely cares about me and takes stuff from me sayin he "feels bad" when if he really felt bad about it, why would he always ask?? and only ask me and nobody else? yea, that sure makes it seem like he feels bad. i love him. i just wish he's care about me...just a lil bit.
i have to go take midterms in like 30 min. i don't wanna take them, but i kinda have to...hope i do well on them...:-/ |
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| i'm dumb |
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| 09:11pm 23/09/2003 |
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mood:  worried
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so yea, i'm a dumbass. i'm about to do something that i will probably regret as soon as i do it.....i probably wont even have the nerve to actually tell him what i need to say...as much as i don't want to do this, i feel like there is basically no other choice. i don't know what to do....but i can't keep avoiding him....that's not good for anybody. |
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| *cryin my eyes out* |
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| 11:23pm 23/09/2003 |
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mood:  depressed music: i will always love you
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well...its the end.......me and him are done...no longer friends. at first i was asking him what he would do if i said we shouldn't talk anymore and he was like it is your decision. and i said so what i'm picking up on is that you don't care at all? and he hung up on me. so i start talkin to his away message tellin him all this different stuff and saying how i love him and all. and so finally he says that he's sick of all the bull shit of how i'm always saying that he doesn't care and he doesn't love me and so he's ending it. we are no longer talking. and so i said that i'm sorry and i love him more than absolutly anything. and he didn't say anything so i said i'm sorry i love you. and i signed off. and get this...i was so upset i actually called brent. i haven't called him in such a long ass time...and i was like, well, even though brent doesn't want much to do with me now, he'll always be there if i really need him...so after 5 min of debating in my head whether i should or not i actually call him. but of course he's too damn busy so here i am crying my eyes out with nobody to talk to...damn me for not having friends!!!!!!! |
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