| bored!!! |
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| 01:18am 12/09/2003 |
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mood:  bored music: i'm sorry i cant be perfect
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omg i'm so incredibly bored. funny thing about everybody being in school...they are all asleep by 1 am. and i'm a night person so i have nothin to do while everybody else is asleep. i go to sleep at normally 4 am and wake up at 2 in the afternoon. so by 1 am i'm just not tired. i wish my life wasn't so boring...i wish i had somethin to do...i messed around with the colors on my journal. it looks kinda cool...or dumb...whatever. :) i don't know why but i always am in the best moods around 1 or 2 in the mornin. like this is when i finally wake up and relax and shit. i dunno. i need to get a job. i feel so lazy. maybe if i got a job i would wake up at decent hours or something. i dont know but i do know i 2 things: 1) i need the money, 2) i need to feel some reason to wake up in the morning. oh well...hmm i wonder if anybody is even readin this. if not that's cool...just me venting most the time anyways. that would really make me laugh if nobody reads this. oh well, atleast this is a way for me to get my feelings out and shit...kinda like a psychiatrist only not as damn expensive!! (speakin of which, i'm gonna start goin to one soon...wonder if i get to lay on that cool couch! lol) oh well i guess i'll go now. daria is on. i love that show! :) trent is pretty cute for a cartoon guy! lol ok well night~night all |
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| 01:45pm 12/09/2003 |
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mood:  sleepy
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i woke up rather early today...1 in the afternoon. yea, so that isn't early for most people but it is to me. hmm.....actually i'm kinda sleepy. i'm goin back to bed now! :)
R.I.P johnny cash |
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| 04:17pm 12/09/2003 |
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mood:  busy
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well, i finally woke up for good today when ashly called me...at 3:25. she was like what are you doin? and i said well, i was asleep and she got all omg i'm sorry i'll let you go if you want me to. ashly appologizes more than i do! how bad is that? (just so yall know, it is very bad) preston was over there and when she went to wake him up he was like who are you on the phone with? and she said bekah and he was like oh tell her i'm gonna be over there so she can give me head. if it would have been anybody but ashly giving him the message i would have made a joke about it but she really likes preston so for me to say anything even jokingly would be wrong...very very wrong. plus, no way in hell could i ever like that boy. hmm...i feel like there is somethin i'm supposed to be doin today. i know i told myself i would clean my room...but that never gets done. HOLY SHIT!!! i just remembered...i gotta do laundry by the time my mom gets home...in about an hour...fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!! ok well, i'm out.
http://maddox.xmission.com/suicide.html haha that website made me laugh...ok yea, i'm done. |
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| time to put one foot in front of the other and face the future |
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| 10:43pm 12/09/2003 |
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mood:  worried music: nobody likes me everybody hates me guess i'll go eat worms
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so my sister told me today that she wants to try to find our brother and sister so that she has closer. tomorrow i'm probably gonna go see my brother...havent seen him in 3 years. he lives near stone mountain and he'll know where ashley is. i don't know what i think about that though. i mean, i miss them both a whole whole bunch but i really dont know if i can see them. i mean, i haven't seen bradley in 3 years and i havent seen ashley in 6. i want to see them but i'm scared to at the same time. i mean, what if we get there and bradley decides he doesn't want to see us? what if they just shut the door in our face without sayin anything? what if they say they hate us? there are so many what ifs and i don't know if i'm ready to face them or not....so many bad things that can go wrong. i mean, i still cry just thinkin about them. if i have to see them and see first hand that they want nothing to do with me..i don't know how that will affect me. i mean, when i was little i always imagined that ash and brad would be there for all the important stuff in my life. this is my last year of high school...that means i'm graduating at the end of this year. and they wont be there. from the way i'm typin this it sounds as if they were dead. but i guess to my parents they kind of are. me and sarah would probably get yelled at if they found out we were gonna go see bradley tomorrow. its so weird how i'm still so much attached to people i haven't seen in many years. i wish there was like this magical farry that could just make everything perfect. i wish there was a way for this magical farry to just make me not so scared to see them...or atleast to make me accept the things that are. i wish i knew how to just be ok with this...with everything. i want to know the answers to stuff...:/ |
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| aj is my hero! |
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| 11:32pm 12/09/2003 |
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mood:  hungry
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aww...aj is my hero! :) ok so not really my hero, but yea...he's such a sweetie. he listens to me complain and bitch about my crappy life and never tells me to shut up and when i tell him i'm sorry for makin him listen to it he said we are friends, its what friends do. that made me so happy! he makes all my shit seem like it will be ok. i'm so glad ive got a friend like him. he just listens until i'm done and then we laugh about it. he's great! :) ok the end. |
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