| i just need to learn to smile again... |
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| 10:00pm 11/09/2003 |
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mood:  depressed
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so today...not good day for me at all. i mean...i guess its not all that bad, but it is the saddest i've been in quite awhile. well, not the saddest, but it is the first time i've let myself feel sad. so much shit is goin on in my head now and i really have no idea how to deal with it all. i miss brent. and a friend told me to just not worry about it that if i don't try to talk to him he'll get over it soon and talk to me again. i doubt that...i think he hates me. i'm still not able to deal with the fact that eric has been lying to me for over a year. so i guess i kinda feel that my whole whatever with him was a lie...i fell in love with a guy that kept this huge thing from me......i dunno...i know it doesn't mean anything cause he didn't ever care about me but still...he's been lying to me...well, not lying to me but keepin somethin from me for over a year! after i found out i have kinda stopped wanting to be around him. i mean, i wanna see him and all but now it is like anytime i see him i just realize that he's been keepin stuff from me...stuff i should have known. it is as if he is completely different...i dunno i can't explain it.
i finally allowed myself to cry...i mean really cry. i guess i feel a tad bit better but it still doesn't change how sad i am...i still miss brent and there isn't a damn thing i can do about it. why can't i just be happy...and if not happy atleast content? i'm sick of always bein sad. i'm sick of tryin to put on the act to make certain people think i'm ok when in all truth i just want to die. i don't know what to do anymore... |
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| 11:09pm 11/09/2003 |
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mood:  accomplished
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so i'm starting to try to figure out all this stuff to make my journal look better...i got a feelin that it might take a while...but hey, atleast i've got one thing done right? |
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