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13th December 2003
hey guys...i got myself a lovely livejournal now. i'll no longer be updating this one, however i will still keep up with my communities and everything like that. so for those of you who actually care my new one is at: www.livejournal.com/users/simplymiserabl : e. for those smart people who caught on, it is the same username, just a different place now. so just thought i'd let everybody know...
11th December 2003
Crazychic0816: hey tim...why'd you feel the need to tell me eric was goin to gainsville this weekend? :
Zaofalls18: i donno really i don't know
Crazychic0816: cause you know it makes me feel like shit, right? kinda just another reminder of how i'll never be good enough for eric..
Zaofalls18: i know um i thought that u might like o know and i didn't know that u already knew i just thought that i would just tell u and sorry that it makes u feel like crap i didn't mean to make u feel any worse than u do
tim is sweet...weird but sweet...to bad eric can't care about me as much as his best friend does! lol
well i finally heard from ashly today. at 8 am...but still...i won't get to see her until sunday sometime cause she'll be with her grandma and aunt until then. :
don't you just love those people who will tell you things they think you want to hear when really all it does is upset you? yea tim was talkin to me and he was like yea eric is gonna stay over here on friday night and i said ok thats nice. and he continues and says yea cause him and my bro (who is josh...i don't like him) are goin to gainsville for the weekend. hey hey...can anybody guess why they are goin to gainsville? TIFFANY! so that explains so much into why he doesn't need to see me this week. why be with me when he'll have the great and wonderful tiffany this weekend. wow i feel like complete shit..as if i needed to feel any worse about myself, i can just remember, hey, i'm not good enough for eric...that should work out and make me feel real nice...AHHHHHHHH i want to cry!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh no wait, i already am...
10th December 2003
my daddy cut the tip of his finger off today. we've been makin so many jokes about him today, it's been great. :) like i said somethin and he was like you better watch it. and i said why? will you cut off my finger to match yours? haha it was great. but yea he was takin out the garbage at work and the wind shut this big metal door on his finger. he said he watched it fall to the floor. that's cool, but kinda gross all at once. :
i went to the alliance theatre tonight to see a christmas carol. i got all pretty in my black pants and sarah's shirt and her boots. but it was a really good play. i liked it a lot. we were 2nd row. not too bad.
i haven't talked to eric in 2 days. that is kinda weird cause normally even if we don't see each other, we'll still talk on the phone or atleast the internet...but for 2 days-nothin. it is kinda makin me pretty sad...but oh well.
still haven't heard from ashly...hope all is well with her. i'm still rather worried.
so last night i had a weird dream...it was about my raymond. i've been dreamin about him a lot lately.......i really wanna see him or talk to him or something. i miss that kid so much. i am always wondering what might have happened if it wouldn't have been for eric...if eric never came into the picture, i wonder what would have happened with me and rick. honestly, rick is better in every single way with the exception that eric has stuck around and raymond hasn't. for some reason i can't get him out of my mind though. i mean, even when i got to see him, that was the best thing in the world. it made me so super happy...and i thought he'd call the next day and we could talk and hang out and all that but no, no call...and he still hasn't called and that was quite awhile ago...like a month maybe...it hurts my heart....but i guess there isn't much i can do about it now........i just miss my raymond and wanna be with him now....
9th December 2003
today has basically been shit. uhm yea i'm starting to kinda feel used by somebody. it is kinda as though if he doesn't need money or the car, then i'm not needed. it is kinda hurting me. like today, i haven't talked to him AT ALL today cause he knows i don't have money this week. sure that might not be what he will say but come on, i've seen him almost every single day for the past few weeks and if i didn't see him we talked on the phone for awhile...but today...nothin. i wonder if it is just a coincidence that he isn't talkin to me the time i don't have money....i doubt it, but one can hope, right? :
i printed off some scholarship shit. so i have to start fillin out entry forms and writing essays...first one has to be postmarked by jan. 15th...so in a lil over a month...and it has to be a real good essay on stuff about shakespeare. i'm really scared i'm not gonna get any of these scholarships and that is gonna make me super sad. but oh right, my feelings don't really matter...
i miss brent. i don't know why...i shouldn't but i do. :
i'm still very worried about ash...i hope everything is alright...i haven't heard from her all day.
8th December 2003
i'm really worried...
so ash is in trouble...no details but i'm real worried about her. :
me and eric went muddin again tonight. he ended up stoppin by and gettin josh (tim's brother). but that isn't what made our night bad...what made it bad was towards the beginning he told me he couldn't see me being a teacher. (yea, that's what i'm plannin on majoring in) but yea that put me in a real bad mood and the whole night i was pretty pissed off. but i'm too worried to complain right now.
on a lighter note, my horoscope for the day:
Someone may try to engage you in some sort of mental sparring today, Bekah, so be prepared to do battle. You will find that you have the incredible ability to make a huge production out of just about situation. Try not to make things into bigger issues than they need to be. You are better off giving in than fighting to death about an issue that just isn't worth it.
it didn't really occur to me until last night when me and ashly were talkin about it, how much i'm gonna miss people here. like we were talkin about how weird it will be not being 2 min away from each other and how we'll have to actually make an effort to see each other once i go to college. it made me really sad cause now part of me doesn't really wanna go cause i'm not gonna get to see ash all the time or eric every single day. i guess i just never really thought about how hard it would be to leave my friends...
6th December 2003
tonight was a fun night...well the whole day was. me and sarah were plannin on goin to the mcdonough christmas parade tonight, but then we realized it was too cold. so we went to see a movie. we saw the movie elf. that was a good fun movie. i enjoyed it. then we came home and while i was in the movie eric called me 6 times. that's right...6. so i finally answer right after i got out of the movie. and he's like oh you just didn't answer cause it was tim's number. no i was in a movie...i don't answer my phone while i'm in movies. but anyways, after me and sarah get home i go to tim's house to take eric batteries for his car. (he loves that thing) and so i show up...tim hugs me (ehh) and i'm talkin to eric for a few min. i wasn't there long...probably not even more than 10 min. but i enjoyed seein him tonight. he has to work tomorrow so i'm not gonna get to see him tomorrow. that's sad. but anyway i come home and me and sarah go eat. it is like 7:30 when we finally leave here. she decides she wants to go eat at espn zone in buckhead/atlanta (one of the two). so we get there and it is $15 for parking. so we decide we'll just go to jocks and jills in buckhead. so we get there and there is a 2 hour wait to be seated. so we turn around and come eat chinese back at home. by the time we finally get to the chinese place it is almost 9:30. we were both starving! but anyways that was my night. very fun and eventful. lala ok well i have nothin else to say.
i got to see katie! :)
i went to union grove's production of it's a wonderful life tonight. that was so good!!! me and momma and sarah went. i was goin cause my old best friend katie dickens was in it and wanted me to come and see her. and i went and got to see her and met her boyfriend and saw her dad again and it was all just so much fun. the play was so great. it is the first time i've seen the whole thing...normally when watching the movie at home i get bored and leave the room, but this was actually good. chris jones played the lead guy in it. he was good. but i'm feeling sick now. and i'm in pain STILL (owwie). ehh ok well nighty night
5th December 2003
today was a very productive day. i woke up and put my car in the shop at like 9:30 ish. ashly came and got me and i went to her house and we were workin on our schoolwork. and then we went to eat. and on the way back they called and said my car was done so i got my car back at 12. and then we went back to ash's house and finished up the work. preston came over so i left cause there was just too much tention in that house with both of us there. so i go to faith academy to turn in my work. and i come home and washed my car. YEAH!!! IT IS CLEAN NOW!! :) the first time it has been washed since i bought it back in august. my driveway is pretty dirty now. oops. but i got to talk to eric already today. it is sad i can't see him today but i actually have other stuff to do. tonight me and sarah and momma are gonna go see my old best friend katie. she's in a play that her school is doing called its a wonderful life (i think?) so that's where i'll be tonight. hmm yea, not like anybody really cares. hmm ok well i guess that's about all for now.
4th December 2003
another wonderful night. got to see eric yet again. we went mudding...my car is SO dirty...i'm gonna love tryin to explain that to my mom. haha. my brakes are screwed up...gotta get them fixed tomorrow. but it was such a great day and i'm in a wonderful mood now :)
3rd December 2003
after all this time brent is finally talkin to me again. he just popped up and said hey how are you? and we've been talkin for a lil while...it is weird, but in a good way. i don't know, it is a bit hard to talk to him again.....
i went shoppin today...again. for somebody that hates shoppin as much as i do, i sure have been doin that a lot lately. i have been to the mall EVERY day since the day after thanksgiving. it is craziness! but i was with eric so it was alright. we had a pretty ok night i guess. up until the end of it. ashly called me upset because of preston (HE'S SUCH AN ASSHOLE!!) so eric told me to go and be with her and me being the selfish person i am i wanted to be with him so that ended badly. but hopefully tomorrow i'll get to see him again (i sure hope so). but i went to ashly's house and stayed there for an hour talkin to her. it is weird, the way me and her deal with stuff is we just sit there talkin about everything but what is wrong. but it always works cause we always end up feelin so much better. but she has to give away two of her cats. they are taking katie and gracie to the pound tomorrow. that makes me sad cause gracie is my baby. she is a female version of socks and she has to be taken to the pound. i almost cried cause i picked her up and was holding her after ashly told me that...she's my baby, i don't want her to go. :( but yea that was my night...not to interesting. it seems like no matter how hard i try, i still can't ever get home on curfew...oh well :)
2nd December 2003
tonight was fun. went to the mall with eric. hung out after the mall. made me happy. he spent $50 on a lil toy skyline car. it made me smile. but i had TONS of fun tonight...enough said :)
1st December 2003
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh so tonight was no good. it started out wonderful. i took eric to school this morning and then went shopping with ashly this afternoon. and then at like 4:30 eric called me and was like hey want to hang out tonight? and i was like sure. so we go off and go to the mall and i buy him shit...lots of it. but then we go to ashly's. BIG MISTAKE!!! we start fighting (me and him, not me and ash) and that definitally ruins our night. now he is pissed and i'm in a horrible mood now and it is just horrible...my night now is shit...
30th November 2003
It may be hard for you to connect with others today, Bekah. You may be off in your own little world. Chances are that you are talking about one thing, and the person you are talking to is off in their own little world thinking about another. You might want to just keep quiet and stay in your own little world by yourself. Strengthen your self-esteem by focusing on yourself instead of trying to get others to focus on you. :
that was my horoscope for the day. how wonderful is that? i'm supposed to be in my own lil world :)
i'm a dumbass. i'm a dumbass. i'm a dumbass. yes...yes i am. i do stupid things. i make dumb decisions. i think it will make things better, but no it makes me feel like shit. :
i'm a dumbass....
that about sums up how i feel right now
29th November 2003
so today was not so bad. we started to repaint our house. wet paint makes me dizzy and gives me a headache. but tonight at like 5 i got a call...from tom all the way in massachusetts. that really surprised me cause i honestly didn't expect for him to call me, but it was cool that he did. so i got to talk to tom for a lil while. (it is funny..tom lives in mass and will call me, but rick lives like 30 min away from me and i still haven't gotten a call from him) but yea, i didn't do too much today. um i'm goin shoppin with philip tomorrow for sarah's christmas present. don't know how i feel about that but oh well. um yea i guess that's all
28th November 2003
nick makes me happy. i never realized he cared until tonight. thank you nick...you are great. too bad i couldn't realize that while you were here and i could see you all the damn time. i don't think you realized how much you helped me...nick always makes me feel cared about at the oddest times. but it is always when i seem to need it the most..
day after thanksgiving= SHOPPING!!! :)
so i woke up at 6:30 this morning...not really wanting to cause i went to bed at 2 am. but i woke up and we were actually on the road at 7:11. surprise surprise...we actually leave when we say we will! lol it was me and sarah and ashley. (ashley is philip's sister...she came to visit for thanksgiving...i like her) but we hit up tanger and i got 3 people taken care of there. and sarah and ashley did TONS of shoppin for themselves. then we went back home cause sarah's hair was frizzy from the rain. and then we head out to stonecrest. and i get most of eric's stuff. i'm gonna head back up there another day soon to get ashly's stuff. but after that we went up to old navy and target and ulta. then we went up to dsw shoes (that's right...we headed up to buckhead) and then we went to philip's work so that ashley could tell him bye. but i actually had tons of fun. we finally got home for good at 5:10. (yea, ashley wanted to be gone from here at 4...oops!) but it was a fun day. i know what i want to get ashly...then i have the rest of eric...and then my parents and sarah and philip and then that is all i believe. but i already got my cousins out of the way so that makes it less to get. (eric wants a fuckin skateboard...a skateboard...do you know how much those damn things cost??? a WHOLE LOT!!) :
after i got home...i was here for about oh 5 min...and ashly calls me and says that she is to meet joel up at walmart and she was nervous so i had to go with her. i enjoyed it...it made me feel needed. but walmart is huge and joel didn't decide on an actual spot...and all he told ashly was that his truck was red. do you know how many red trucks there are? but i stayed up there with her til he came. and wow he looks a lot better than he used to!
then i went out to eat with my parents (i REALLY don't like my mother) and we came home and watched the in-laws. that was a good movie. i liked it.
but yes, that was my day...overall, not too bad. i still haven't heard from rick. that makes me extremely sad cause he's my raymond and i want to talk to him...but oh well, i guess not much i can do....eric said he'd call today, but alas, he didn't. not really surprised about that one. but ok i'm done now.
27th November 2003
i went to go see eric tonight. that was fun. i got home after curfew though. oops. but i really enjoyed being with him tonight it was fun. i love being with him...it always makes me feel so much better. :
i found out that nathan died on monday. i never really liked the kid too much but still...it is kinda sad. stockbridge high continues the tradition of one person dieing a year. too bad it had to be him though. ash said he died in a car wreck on flat rock.
News Obituary Listing
NATHAN HALL, 17, of McDonough died Monday. Funeral, 11 a.m. Friday, Horis A. Ward, Fairview Chapel.
Published in The Atlanta Journal-Constitution on 11/26/2003
25th November 2003
ehh i am so close to gettin fucked over it aint even funny! my mom assumes i've been sneakin out of the house at night and so she told sarah if she finds out i have been then she's gonna send me to grandma's without my car. and this took place last night. and i had to go get eric at like 10 last night and i was freakin out and cryin the whole time cause i had this weird feelin i was gonna get caught and i was in sarah's car cause they blocked in my car completely to be sure i didn't leave. but yea...so i finally get to the skate place to get eric and i'm crying and he's like what's wrong? and so i tell him and he gets completely quiet and was like i could have called my parents and i was like no cause i would have felt bad since i told you i would come and get you and so after sittin in silence for awhile i was like so did you have fun tonight? and he said no. and i was like why did you not have fun skating? and he was like yea i did. and i said so am i the reason your night is bad? and he shruged his shoulders (which in eric language means yes it was my fault) and so he refused to talk to me at all. and finally when we got to his house he gets out of the car and i was like um can i have a hug? and so he hugged me and walked away and i was like are you gonna say anything? and he just kept walkin and i said please fuckin say somethin before i start cryin even more. and he turns around and says you need to learn how to say no. and walks into his house. i sat in my car crying and finally drove home and when i got on the internet he was on and i asked if he was mad and he didn't answer. and he hasn't talked to me at all today. anytime he gets on i try to talk to him but he won't answer. and he hasn't called me. he always calls. even if it is just to say hey. he has called me every day...and we've seen each other almost every day. and i haven't gotten to talk to him or see him today and it is making me extremely sad especially since i REALLY want to be with him now. :
2 nights ago me and him finally got to have our long awaited talk. i went to see him at about midnight and finally got home at 2:30ish. but i asked him why he didn't like me and he said "it isn't that i don't like you it is just i don't know how my feelings will be in the future". hmm i do believe that is the lamest one yet. he's used 3 on me and they all start out "it isn't that i don't like you it is just that...." i told him i felt that it was because i'm not tiffany. and he was like well i've talked to you more than her lately. and i was like so, i would rather you never compare your time with me to with her. and he was like oh i said the forbidden "t" word. and i was like it isn't forbidden and he said that it might as well be since it bothers me. (for the record...it isn't that it bothers me...it is that i'm EXTREMELY jealous..guess that doesn't make it any better though...) but i'm still not too sure as to why he doesn't like me other than i take on everybody else's problems and always appologize for shit i can't control. but he cares about me. i know that for a fact. and that makes me very happy. but i told him he doesn't realize how hard the past few years have been for me. he doesn't understand the shit i've been through. and i asked him if the reason he was such an ass to me about a year ago was because he hated me and he said no it definitally wasn't that...he just knew how he was and how i was and knew he was bad for me. i also told him that i think it is shit that i've spent a year and a half of my life completely in love with somebody who will never really care about me. that night was definitally a good thing for me...i'm happy i actually got to have that talk and get everything off my chest even though it was hard for me.
i hope eric will stop being mad at me soon cause even though it has only been a day...it feels so long since i know he's mad. but i don't get it...i risked my ass for him. i risked gettin in trouble to come see him. and last night i didn't get a thank you. i didn't even fuckin get a "bye". or an "i'm sorry for making you do this" just "you need to learn how to say no". if anybody should be pissed i do believe it should be me!! i mean seriously...i went through hell last night to get to see him and all for him to just be mad...yea that is wonderful..grr
24th November 2003
therapy sucks! if you ever have the choice as to whether to go or not, do NOT!!! i went in to get happy pills and to find some way to get rid of my depression. now i'm in another therapy for substance abuse. yea, aint that funny...me...abusing substances. that's crap. and i don't wanna go back there but i kinda don't have a choice anymore. ehh it really sucks. and the substance abuse therapy can last from 4-8 months depending on how i'm doing in it. this is shit!!!
22nd November 2003
so i went to feed homeless tonight. there were 6 of us that went. they were from the church my mom is now goin to. but i didn't like 2 of the ladies there. the other 2 i did. but it was actually not bad. i really wanna see eric. but i know he isn't home so it isn't possible. :/ oh well. my raymond didn't call today. can't say i'm really surprised...figured it was just too good to be true. ashly lost her cell phone. and i thought she had it back but i called and so i guess she doesn't since she didn't answer it. i have such a headache now. i just wish i could see eric...or talk to rick...at the moment i'm not sure which one i want more...to see eric or talk to rick. i don't know...i just...yea...i don't know...
driving drunk=bad idea
so tonight was...shall i say interesting. i just now got home after leaving my house at 2 this afternoon. but me and eric got to hang out for awhile and that was nice. i dropped him off at the skateboarding place and i didn't end up gettin him until 11 tonight (and i dropped him off around oh 5ish) and so i went to ashly's house. and then i had to go get cassidy. and so ryan came and got them (it was ryan's birthday) and they were all gonna go off. well i go up to visit danny at work (wow i forgot how hot he was) and so i was up there for awhile talkin to him and i was about to get in the car when i see brittany runnin in the gas station. and so i go in to say hi and who do i run into? MY RAYMOND!!!! :) it made me so incredibly happy. i love my raymond. and so he sees me and comes up to me and hugs me and he's on the phone with his mom and i'm all happy to see him and he's holding my hand and just smiling at me. it was so great. he wanted me to go to a party with him but i had to get eric so i couldn't. :( damn it. but i gave him my number and told him that he should call me sometime and he said yea that he will probably end up callin me tomorrow. (YEAH!!) and so i was around him for awhile just smiling and holding onto him cause i miss him so much. and wow it was so great. i really wish i could have gone with him, but no, i have to be a mother and take eric and pick him up...great. and so after that i get a call that ashly is at cassidy's house and cassidy asks if i wanna come over for a bit. and i was like nah i'm fine. and then i got to thinkin about it and it was only 8 and eric wouldn't be done until almost 11 so i called her back and asked if it would be alright for me to come over and she was like sure why not. and this is where the fun started. preston was drunk when i got there...or workin on it. and ashly was gettin there as well. so i drink a little bit. (and when i did this it was oh maybe 9:30 ish...didn't leave to get eric until 10:30 so i was basically straight by then) and so after awhile ryan gets completely shit faced. it was his birthday. but he ends up throwing up and all this shit. and i am taking care of him and eric calls me and is like ok i'm ready you can come get me now. and so i was about to leave and ryan starts throwin up even more. and so i'm having to take care of him cause cassidy can't stand throw up. and so i'm takin care of him knowing i have to leave to get eric and finally cassidy was like whatever just go. and so i left to get eric. still a bit tipsy according to him and so i'm cryin on the way there and so i get there and he was like what is wrong? and i was like nothing at all. and i'm actually upset cause i should have been there helping cassidy take care of preston and ryan. and he says i'm drunk and that i need to eat (i really didn't want to eat) but he made me anyway...well, actually i only had half of a chicken finger. but still, it was food. my stomach hurts pretty bad right now though. :/ oh well. but we were driving around when we see eli and cassidy. and so they pull up next to us and eli tells me that ryan is driving his truck. ryan is shit faced and couldn't even walk. so i get upset cause i know this is my fault. if i was there i would be taking care of him and i could have taken him home but i wasn't there so i couldn't. and when we finally catch up to him he collapses on his steeringwheel and is puking all in his truck. so we take him home and his mom was like thank you so much...and so eric is ready to go home by then and so we go to his house and as we are there ashly comes up to the car crying sayin how we need to stop preston and how preston is leavin and shit and so i get out of the car and run to catch preston and as i'm doin this eli shows up and is like what are you doing? and i said that ashly was cryin sayin i needed to get preston and he was like oh well i told him to. somehow i end up the bad guy in everything. and so i go back up to my car where eric is with ashly. and he's bein real nice to her and she's crying and cassidy was like get in the car bekah. (yea, it was only a few steps away to get to where the car was goin anyway) but i get in and then they carry ashly up to the stairs and she's cryin and we are tryin to make her feel better and cassidy looks at me and says "me and eric have it. you can go home now bekah" yea, like i'm gonna leave my best friend...um NO. and so eli and preston come back from their drive and so ashly wants to go talk to preston and so eric carries her over there and they are yelling at us to go away. so we go away and go back over to cassidy's house. and so eventually they come over and take ashly to eli's house (which is just like 3 houses away) and as we are goin over there cassidy said "you need to move your car bekah. don't block my driveway". (yea, like i'm the one that parked it there...once again...um NO.) and so i finally get back over to eli's and they are all there talking. and eric is pissed at me cause i asked him why he didn't like me. and so as soon as they take ashly to bed eric walks to his house and says i'm tired. goodnight. and so he walks up to his house. i could barely get him to stop to hug me. but he was still pissed but he was just blowing me off sayin he was tired. so i get home and guess what...eric is on the internet playin fuckin poker. i am NOT happy. but once again my feelings don't matter. just as long as he gets money and food and my car...other than that i'm not worth shit. it sucks not being cared about...
18th November 2003
he was sleepy but he called me anyway :) i'm happy! he wasn't supposed to be home yet but he was so he called me. it is weird that my reasoning is like this, but now i know he cares. he could have just ignored me for the next few days cause i'm thinkin he isn't here...but he hasn't, he called to let me know he was home and that truely makes me feel as though he cares. aww i love him
so we got new carpet today. it actually looks pretty good. they only got the bedrooms done so they have to come back tomorrow to do the living room but it looks nice. and i'm gonna do my best to keep it clean. (haha yea right) but i'm puttin all my stuff back up and i'm realizing just how much shit i actually have. :
um i think eric is actually home now. kinda confusing me a bit, he isn't supposed to be home until thursday. so i'm rather confused.
i still don't know why but i really do miss brent. :/ oh well, not much i can do about that...i already fucked that up too much for him to ever consider tryin to make things ok and part of me doesn't want to be friends anymore cause we never have been normal friends. and i guess i'm just kinda scared to try bein "normal" with him...i don't know, i just know i miss him..a lot.