Blurty for Tiana.

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Tuesday, June 8th, 2004

Time:9:25 am.
Hope, dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye
Roped me in so mesmorizing
And so hypnotizing
I am captivated
I am...

I am selfish, I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself

So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intention
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so isolated
So motivated, I am certain now
That I am..

I am selfish, I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself

So tired, of the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment, fall forever
Defence is paper thin
Just one touch and I'd be in too deep
to ever swim against the current

So let me slip away, so let me slip away
So let me slip away, so let me slip against the current
So let me slip away, so let me slip away
So let me slip away, so let me slip away

I am selfish, I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself

Like hope, dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, January 25th, 2004

Subject:here we go here we go here we go around again...
Time:9:49 am.
Mood: curious.
Music:dave navaro.
so he was here last night .
and he wanted me there last night .

Comments: 1 glory | Add Your Own.

Saturday, January 24th, 2004

Subject:so tell me whats the price to pay for glory
Time:7:55 am.
Mood: restless.
Music:what it is to burn.
so 205 is a total bastard --- they have not only found my blurty somehow but also my lj -- so now im curious who could this mysterious 205 be -- is my life all that intresting you feel you need to actually follow me over to another server? i mean really now -- i figure its someone who totally hates me which i find even funnier -- oh well -- keep reading -- hope you find what your looking for .

in other news im heading off to the airport this morning to pick up jennifer--finally home KICK ASS!!! i got her all these amazing oil paints,canvas,brushes and oil paint quick dry (for her lack of impatience) -- hopefully she likes it -- i also get to give her the x-mas present so all is well in the world -- happy shes home --

im worried about erin --- yeah.

i feel like a walking emotart ::shrugs:: sometimes i hate this female cry baby part of me -- or maybe its the human part --whatever.

so i saw kenny at school -- he walks right around a corner i die -turn my head-- he walks right passed me not even seeing me -- we have a class right across from eachother that starts the same time OH GOOD THERE IT IS!

im in the mood to watch family guy reruns in pjs ...hmm thought.

so my sister didnt get into maria (b/c she goes to public middle school) i feel horrible about that --- mainly b.c when i applied i didnt want to go -- i didnt study -- i had crappy grades --i went to a catholic middle school though and i got into every school i applied to . she has the grades -- the drive -- she studied so hard -- but she didnt get in and im pissed as shit!!!!

ugh fuck maria!

im so in the mood to put on my box black glasses and cry in the corner :P
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Monday, January 19th, 2004

Subject:and then ..
Time:3:51 pm.
Mood: nostalgic.
there only so many words i can use to describe..Him.

i guess i havent really htought about him. its been 5 years.i put him out of my mind b/c of what had happened a few months ago.he hurt.straight to the heart.he cut the chase. not on purpose -- not actually-- not in reality -- hurt the same -- i put my own refuge out of my life(good thinking T) -- and he never really knew it. --i never knew how he viewed me because hes so mysterious-- so many people say he causes problems -- that he wont become or evolve into anything -- maybe im the only one who doesnt agree-- its been 5 years --

he has slept with 80% of westchester.
he has been arrested.
he has been in a group home.
he has stolen cars,money and drugs.
he has cheated on every girl he has been with.
he ran away from home.
he went to a prestigous highschool.
still graduated with honors.
he was missing for months.
he lives with his grandparents.
he signed up for the guard.
his car got reposessed.
he tried to leave but circumstances kept him here.
he's been cheated on.
his brother moved to ohio.
he became a"friendly drug distributor".
his sister got diabetes.
he became clean.
friends died.
he tried to leave again but got arrested.
he's leaving in june for boot camp (he hopes).
he probably wont though.
but he always came back for me.

the way life falls it seems to be funny -- i feel slanted and lost.but things seem to fit perfectly.sometimes i sit back and think --then i smile
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Sunday, January 18th, 2004

Subject:simple kind of love.
Time:4:29 pm.
Mood: jubilant.
Music:family guy.
so he got arrested ... he waited 3 weeks to tell her he called me....but he says he'll be back for more :)

10/14/99 still strong

i think i love you
and i think some where in you --you may love me to.

what do i know about love.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:1:30 pm.
Mood: angry.
Music:taking back sunday.
so i havent updated. fuck you

working on some new back rounds.

not intrested in you or your thoughts.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, January 17th, 2004

Subject:i feel theses are very factual lol
Time:8:48 pm.
Mood: amused.
1) My best friend knows everything. She knows all of your vitals -- from the size of your bank account to the size of your other, um, holdings -- and she knows how both compare with those of every other man I've ever dated. I have done a hand-comparison measurement so I can divulge size and girth with a high level of accuracy. When my friend smirks at you knowingly, you are not imagining it. She knows. So just know that she knows, and deal with it. (It's not going to change.) Ask her about me, or chat with her about our relationship, at your own risk. She will tell me. Even -- in fact, especially -- if she promises not to. This is not always a bad thing (e.g., if you happen to be telling her how much you love me). But, in general, remember that she is my confidante first, and yours never.

2) Just looking at your hands can turn me on.

3) When you go away, even for a day, I sleep in your favorite old T-shirt because it smells like you.

4) I'll never tell you exactly how many men I've slept with. No matter how sincere I appeared when I answered your question, chances are I wasn't. As an unscientific guideline, when a woman says she's slept with four men, the real number is actually closer to seven. Her fib is partly intentional (she doesn't want to appear a floozy), but mostly it's sexual amnesia. When a woman wants to pretend an encounter never occurred, she simply scraps the man from her official score sheet. Common excuses that lead to such an omission: The actual sex lasted only a few thrusts; or she was drunk or on the rebound.

5) I fantasized about being with you at least a dozen times before we actually first got naked.
6) I still think about my ex-boyfriends and compare them to you. Mostly you win. Sometimes not.

7) I have Googled your exes.

8) When I'm falling in love with you, I completely lose my appetite.

9) My body really isn't naturally this hairless and smooth all over. But I will never allow you to see any indication whatsoever of all the shaving, tweezing, waxing, exfoliating, and moisturizing that gets it this way.

10) I only appear to have it all together. My true organization (or lack thereof) is revealed in my closet, my makeup bag, my desk files.

11) I have discovered your porn stash and your frequently visited porn Web sites and think the things that turn you on are hilarious.

12) When I say, "I'm ready," I'll need exactly 7 more minutes to get ready. Don't try to cheat the system by showing up 7 minutes later; I will still need an extra 7 minutes.

13) When I say, "I'll meet you in 15 minutes," I mean I will leave in 15 minutes, and thus won't actually arrive for at least 30 (but probably more like 40).

14) You've made me cry more times than you'll ever know.

15) I obsess about when you're going to call me again. The period of time between our first date and your "Thanks for a great night; when can I see you again?" always seems stretched into slow motion. So don't worry about looking too eager. Call. Even if you only wait until noon the day after, it will feel like a lifetime to me. And don't send me an e-mail unless you want me to put you in the figurative trash can along with your message.

16) I want you to talk a little dirty.

17) At the beginning of our relationship, I save all of your voice mails and listen to them (and make my friends listen, too), repeatedly.

18) I might wear granny underwear and purposely not shave my legs because I like you. As crazy as it sounds, the more I like you, the less likely I am to sleep with you on an early date, because I don't want to sabotage having a "proper" relationship with you. So I just might purposely hunt out the ugliest underwear in my drawer and not shave my legs -- all to prevent myself from getting naked with you too soon. Sometimes I might get a little tipsy or carried away, and this plan will backfire.

19) I split the cost of my fashion purchases over two or more credit cards, so you don't notice the gargantuan deficit.
20) I'm constantly testing you. I observe, analyze, and judge every action, word, gesture, e-mail, and facial expression. When I ask you if you want to have a threesome, I don't mean it. If you want me to speak to you again, let alone sleep with you after this conversation, the answer should always be, "Why would I want to sleep with another woman when I have you?"

21) I check out your butt every time you leave the room.

22) I need constant indications that you want me around. That's why it's better, for example, to say, "I want you to come away with me for the weekend. Could you come with me?" than to ask, "What are you up to this weekend?"

23) I love it when you get a little jealous. So if you ever see me flirting in front of you with the waiter, the bus driver, or another guy at a party, know I'm actually flirting with you -- through him.

24) Even though I may complain that I don't see you enough (or that you work too hard), I find nothing sexier than watching you put on a suit in the morning and rush off to work.

25) I start fights with you because I'm feeling ignored. I'm trying to force emotion out of you. Don't retreat into your cave; just give me what I want: some attention. And never tell me to "calm down," unless you want to guarantee that I absolutely won't.

26) Even if I insist on paying or splitting the bill on our first date, I'll think you're cheap if you let me.

27) I may find your best friend repulsive, but I've fantasized about sleeping with him. Not because I want him, but because I want a piece of a guy who is so close to you.

28) If I'm going to break up with you, all of my friends know way before you do. I've been talking about it for 2 weeks.

29) When we do break up, I put all photographs of you and mementos of our relationship in a shoe box and store it in my closet. Just in case I get nostalgic. Just in case you come back.

30) I want you to take control in bed. Yes, I have a successful career, I'm financially independent, I live on my own, and I don't need a man to make me happy (in theory). I still want you to pick me up, carry me to the bedroom, and take without asking.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:8:43 pm.
oh 205 i see you .

muahahahaha :)
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Friday, January 16th, 2004

Subject:taking back sunday are sex!!!
Time:4:46 pm.
Mood: angry.
She said "Don't.
Don't let it go to your head.
Boys like you are a dime a dozen.
Boys like you are a dime a dozen"
She said
"You're a touch overrated.
You're a lush and I hate it."
But these grass stains on my knees
they won't mean a thing

And all I
Need to know
Is that I'm something you'll be missing
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that far
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that...

I'd never lie to you
Unless I had to

I'll do what I got to
Unless I had to
I'll do what I got to, the truth
is you could slit my throat
And with my one last gasping breath
I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt

And all I
Need to know
Is that I'm somethin you'll be missing
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that far
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that...

'Cause I'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions
This'll be last chance you get to drop my name
'Cause I'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions
This'll be last chance you get to drop my name

If I'm just bad news, you're a liar
If I'm just bad news, you're a liar
If I'm just bad news, you're a liar
If I'm just bad news, you're a liar
If I'm just bad news, you're a liar
If I'm just bad news, you're a liar
If I'm just bad news, you're a liar
If I'm just bad news, you're a liar

If I'm just bad news, you're a liar.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, January 15th, 2004

Subject:* me out
Time:8:39 pm.
Mood: sad.
Music:frank sinatra.
i miss him,that asshole.
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Time:1:32 pm.
so its early or late at this point im getting sicker so it doesnt matter...stuck here at work till 9 oh joyous oh fun.the snow hasnt stopped .went down to my college today to finish up some paper work after venturing down there in this horrible weather it was closed after the recording said 11 it would open those bastards!!

erin thinks the phrase"cold crush "is in behind blue eyes but its not :PPPP

spoke to franco last night which was good i miss talking to him--seeing him--- working with him.he always made work so much more fun . lol he always asks me to come back b/c he has nobody to sexually harrass. lol such a jack ass prob going to cbgb's on feb 9th to see him play.

i feel mentally puked on .i need something hot for my throat it hurts.

found a route from elmsford to valhalla lol opps

i so seeeppppy oh so seeeepy

back to the grind i go .
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Wednesday, January 14th, 2004

Time:2:10 pm.
Mood: awake.
And will you tell all your friends you've got your gun to my head
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, January 12th, 2004

Subject:and i sat back and watched
Time:12:24 pm.
Mood: sad.
Music:todds song.
i havent felt this alone--lifeless-hopeful--and dismayed as much as i do at this very moment. my drive my ambition feels like its covered in selophane(sp?) -- i know what i want and feel and need is good and true but i feel like my ability is being held back for some unsensored reason.

my nightmares have been too frequent lately -- i dont stand as tall and my only real comfort is in the presence of erin,jamie and bobby --everyone else feels so uncharted and so out of my mental loop.-- i mean bobbys only been around a few months but i feel like he's been thru so much with us that theres actually a safety in his car like there is with erin or jennifer or jamies bedroom.i need more refuge and less tragic souls --i need to surround myself with love -- an unjudgemental love--the type i cant throw away--the type that would never give me the reason too.i find that the only love that works so well is the type you recieve from your deepest of friends.

this passed weeks or so has been some of the most emotional rollercoasters ive come incontact with im usually content if not content at least consistant --its crap its crap for a month and a slow transition --not this higher then high then drop to the ground -- loving myself dammit i need to love myself -i dont.

such a statement -- you must love yourself before you can love another

i guess there right.i guess i wont ever find anything more then refuge in the people around me which isnt bad but if i ever want to really be loved i need to love me first --dammit.

when you cried i wiped all of your tears,when you screamed i fight away all of your fears,ive held your hand thru all of these years,and you still have all of me

ugh how tragic i feel.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, January 10th, 2004

Subject:suga suga how you get so fly
Time:9:58 pm.
got me lifted shifted higher then the ceiling
oooowee its the ultimate feeling
got me lifted feeling so gifted
suga how you get so fly :)
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:she calls me her guardian angel
Time:1:31 pm.
Mood: content.
Music:"i live on the second floor,i live upstairs with you".
WARNING: dramaqueen entry --read at your own risk.

so its 1:30 and im at work -- my mind feels so cluttered and this ceasar salad sucks seriously. my boss has really been getting on my nerves lately he puts everyone down so much and i cant stand being surrounded by someone so arrogant.i mean i know he doesnt actually believe hes a God send and im sure secretly inside his suit there is someone very insecure but its just such a shame ya know...


spent the moring pretending to be sleeping.errn came over last night she was over till about 1am then i kicked her out b/c she did have a 40 min ride home i wanted her to get there safely shes some serious precious cargo to me.

our conversation was actually mind blowing i dont think ive felt so secret free in years--i told her everything--things i wouldnt repeat in a dark closet in the middle of the night with a blanket over my head --i told her about all the things in me that are passed fucked up --what i dont believe is why is she still around.i told her things even my bestfriend doesnt know --

she screamed.yelled.leeped on me from across the couch.shreded my room.and then gave me a hug.

roles reversed

she turns to me and tells me all the things she wouldnt repeat in a dark closet with a blanket over her head.things she knows would make my blood rise.and especially things that would hit home with me maybe too much.

i stared.blinked.stared.covered my face.stood up and picked up the keys.threw them at her.hugged her.

we for the first time spoke about kristina --her.and how why on new years did i say the best moment of the whole year was"the day i got erin back" -- i guess she never realized how horrible kristina was as a friend as an influence as a person. erin never saw what she had become .sometimes i think erins the reason why i took a semester off. sometimes i think its b/c i knew if i wasnt there night, day and inbetween that erin really really would be dead in every form...the car didnt just flipped it changed everything we all knew. 8 monthes and we lived it..holy crap we lived it. i feel over dramatic at the moment but i guess when i look back and what we went thru .the anger .hate.the lies.the drugs.the alcohol.the deaths.accidents.and the inbetween erin jamie and i seem to just make it out by the skin of our teeth.. damn

"as years go by i race the clock with you,but if you died right now know that id die to,you remind me of a time when i knew who i was ,still the second hand will catch us just like it always does" -Story Of The Year
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Friday, January 9th, 2004

Subject:the only boi who could ever reach me was the son of a preacher man
Time:8:27 pm.
Mood: awake.
Music:janis joplin.
so currently im still home but strangely enough ive lost all desire to go out this evening -- i think im just gonna have errn over so i can just wear my drug dealer pants and a hoodie,im not in the mood to dress up or"think pink" as the case may be. besides errn really wants to talk to me shes really worried --thinks ive been pushing everyone away --its not that i do that on purpose i just pull away so hard sometimes --and your right i do hold back a lot more then i let on.--so yea

im working on a reivew for lj so hopefully whats her face answers me back so i can invade and judge her life muahaha --

kenny just im'd me i have a feeling this isnt going to last long i mean though hi and i will be attending the same college i dont think that will be seeing to much of each other.i have intentionally plotted my schedule to avoid him under all costs.

this new journal here seems to be a slightly better sactuary then my old one --not too concerned with my reader well reader in this case lol

today my mood is rather pathetic ive been too much of an emo tart lately -- i guess im kinda stuck here ya know -- i sorta have this underlying desire to move to like scandanavia(sp?) and start making shoes for the little homeless elves or somthing --

so there closing down my store this month i was at the shelter today so hopefully ill pick up some more hours as pier counsler -- and bobby asked me to come work with him at the chart house .good money ill probably go do that.

imma go the tred mill is screaming my name.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:here we go around again
Time:2:33 pm.
i dont see whats wrong with owning a box! if i want to have a box im entitled to it!!
Comments: Add Your Own.

Blurty for Tiana.

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You're looking at the latest 17 entries.