Jessie Bess' Blurty

Way to go, idiot!
I can't believe I'm so naive. I mean really, I am stupid. I must believe that life is some sort of fairytale with true love and a happy ending. I am way off. I'm just so incredibly pissed and confused and irritated and humiliated. I know I won't feel like this in a couple days or a week or something but right now...ugh. And ya know, it's not even Tod. I mean, it is. I'm pissed at him and my ideas about him have changed radically and he's the one that started me feeling like crap...but then there's so much more. I just start to think about how scummy most of the guys I've known/been with are. My first couple of boyfriends were normal...at least while I was with them. So let's start with Mark. He took me to a dance on a Saturday and broke up with me on Monday...and I found out through Audrey that he was going to do it...and he broke up with me FOR her (by no fault of her own) and she didn't even like him. Then came Ed. He decided he wanted to be with me right after he broke up with his girlfriend of a year. Rebound anyone? I know, I should have seen it coming, I should have known better...but I was 16, what do you want from me? He told me he loved me on a Sunday night and broke up with me Monday morning right in the middle of the hallway in front of all of my friends. Then came Chris. He kicked me out of his house on my birthday and then just 2 short months later, he broke up with me. Then, this past summer we sort of had a fling. At first we took things slowly, just went with the flow. We had been hanging out a lot and doing more than hanging out. He wanted sex and I wanted a relationship and that's when it ended. I liked Andy for basically half of my life. He really liked to lead me on and he was really good at it. One would think he liked seeing me miserable. And I still went to Sr. Prom with him and my fairytale dreams were shattered once again. I kissed a guy at a dance club and I thought he was a decent guy but all he wanted was sex. I kissed a different guy and I thought he was decent guy and I gave him my number and he never called. And now Tod. I told the guy I liked him last winter and he didn't feel the same...which is fine. I understand not being attracted to someone. I was upset, but I got over it. What I don't understand, the part I don't get, the thing that pisses me off more than anything is the way he treated me the other night. I didn't know guys were supposed to treat their girl friends like they wanted to be with them even when they aren't interested at all. He definitely crossed the "just friends" line. I better call up all my guy friends and let them know because I don't think they got the memo either because I've never been treated like that by them. What is it with guys treating me like crap? What is it with them walking all over me? Is "Use Me" printed on my forehead??? I don't get it! And I don't remember the last time I said anything about liking Brent. I haven't seen or talked to him in over a month now. I'm not even going to get into that now though. Ugh. I just don't understand how someone can treat another person like they're interested when they aren't. And how much further would things have gone? What if I had crawled onto the couch when he asked me? I mean I know it wouldn't have gone THAT far but ya know what I'm saying? And it's not even like I'm nobody to him. I'm not some random girl. I'm one of his friends...how could he not know he was going to hurt me? How can someone not know that a friends-with-benefits situation NEVER works??? Someone always ends up broken hearted. And as per usual it was me.

I just feel like absolute shit right now. Ya know, I've been upset about guys before but I think this one has definitely taken the cake. I don't know...ask me in a few days. I think it hurts more when it's a friend. Ed was my best friend before he broke my heart and that really hurt. And it sucks that Tod's not only my friend, but Liz's friend and Keith's friend....and I don't want to be around him at all. But I know Liz and Keith will want to hang out with Tod and I want to be around Liz and Keith....*sigh*....you can see where I'm going with this. I know I should be a grown-up and not throw a tantrum and forgive him and all of that. But I just can't. At least not yet. I suppose I'm not really mad at him per se. I'm just hurt...and I can't tell him I forgive him just because he says he's sorry because I wouldn't mean it. This is something I can't let go of right away. I accept his apology and I appreciate it too.

I'm hurt but I feel so stupid too. I feel really humiliated. I can't believe I didn't realize this didn't mean anything to him. I know he flirts. And for most of the time he was here I didn't think anything of it. It wasn't until the night went on and we started watching movies that I thought something else was going on. Mostly, I can't believe he would do this...to me or any other girl. I know it sort of sounds like I'm making this into more than it is. Nothing more than really intense flirting happened. I guess someone would have to be in my position to understand. And now I just feel like crap. I just want to skulk around doing nothing...*sigh*

I guess I'm done ranting for now...

Current Mood: numb
Current Music: "Understand" by Jeremy Camp