when everythings crazy,
and when things arin't going right...

what do you do?
where do you go?
what should you do?

these answers are unknown.
and these answers are hard to find.

just look up to the sky... and cry

cry your heart out!
wish for somthing...
because thats all you can do.

Date:	2007-05-05 09:34
Subject:	summer starts may 2nd*
Security:	Public
Mood:	anxious

1. Kayaking

2. Beach in the morning

3. Beach at night

4. Going on a boat/fishing

5. Camping

6. Picnic on horn pond mountian

7. Go hiking (M.t Washington)

8. Visit a park

9. watch the blue man group live

10. plaster fun time

11. Whale watch

12. Duck tour

13. Stone zoo - Stoneham, Mass

14. Boston public garden - swan boats

15. New england aquarium

16. Museum of science - phone: 617-723-2500 (to buy tickets)

17. Museum of fine arts -
465 Huntington Avenue Boston, MA 02115 - Telephone 617-267-9300

18. Vistit bunker hill monument

19. Prudential observation building - Boston, Ma - Boylston street

20. House of paper - 52 Pigeon Hill Street Rockport, MA 01966

21. Salem witch museum tour

22. Carousel - Marthas Vineard - Edgartown, MA -(508) 693-9481

23. Wiggly Bridge - York, Maine

24. Concert

25. Horse back riding

26. Spa

27. Clamming

28. Red sox game

29. Newenglands largest maze-
Davis Farmland. 145 Redstone Hill Sterling, MA 01564 Phone: (978) 422 8888

30. Road trip - Florida, Mass (day trip)

31. Road trip - Natucket (day/Weekend trip) ??

32. Road trip - New York City (weekend trip)

33. Road trip - Limestone, Maine (day/weekend trip)??

34. Road trip - Canada - visit Niagara Falls (weekend trip)

35. Road trip - Disney world - Orlando, Florida ?? (week trip)

36. Parasailing

37. Lewistion ballon festivel - Lewistion, Maine

38. Parlee farms - Tyngsboro, Mass - Farwell Road

39. The pizza barn- 1860 route, 16 center, ossipee, nh

40. super duper weenie -306 black rock tpke, fairfield ,ct

41. parker's maple barn -1316 brookline rd mason, nh

42. packard's- 14 masonic st northampton, ma

43. kane's doughnuts- 120 lincon ave saugus, ma

44. fajitas and ritas- boston common, 25 west st, boston

45. pressed sandwiches:
2 olive st boston --- or
85 bedford st boston--- or
seaport, 2 park lane, 225 north ave, boston

46. Jays ice cream - Malden, Mass

47. Jimmies home made ice cream - Billerica, Mass

48. horse buggy ride through boston

49. go to a public golf course

50. rent a cottage in maine/ cape cod

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart
and with all your soul and with all your mind.
This is the first and greatest commandment."

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The Courage to change the things I can,

And the Wisdom to know the difference.

God grant me the Serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

The Courage to change the things I can;

And the Wisdom to know the difference.

there's nothings beautiful about me
just bumps and bruises
scars and cuts
all around me

what should i tell them
i'm sorry ...i did it again
what should i say
please forgive me
i'm a failure

there's nothing beautiful about me
just bumps and bruises
scars and cuts
all around me

Before you make that first cut, remember--
You will find the blood and pain release addictive.
Even though you think you can make a few tiny cuts that aren't deep and will heal easily--
They will get deeper, they will scar.
They will take sometimes months to heal, and years for the scars to fade.
If you think you can limit the cutting to one area of your body think again,it will spread when you run out of skin.
Be prepared to withdraw from others and live in a constant state of shame.
Even if you are the most honest person ever to live--you will find yourself lying to the people you love.
You will jerk back from your friends when they touch you as if their hands were dipped in poison.
You will be terrified that they will feel something under the cloth of your shirt or because it just plain hurts so much to be touched.
Be prepared to get so out of control you fear your next cut because you don't know how bad it will be.
Just wait for 10 cuts to turn into 100.
Be prepared for your entire life to revolve around thinking about cutting--cutting and covering up cutting.
And just wait till that first time you cut "too deep" and you freak out because the blood won't stop...and you are gasping...and you feel yourself shaking all over.
You are having a panic attack and you are terrified but you can`t tell anyone.
So you sit there alone...
Praying it will be okay--swearing you'll never let it go this far again...
But you will, and further....
Don't worry, you will learn how to take care of your cuts so that you can go deeper and deeper and avoid the ER.
And the better you get at treating your cuts, the deeper they get.
You will lie to yourself and justify it when you find youself spending 20, 30, or 50 dollars every time you go the pharmacy.
You will feel the flutter of your heartbeat everytime you go to the counter to ring up your order.
Butterfly strips--3 or 4 different kinds of dressings...Betadine...Antibiotic cream...medical tape...scar reducers...
You will tap your foot impatiently hoping the line will just move and no one will stare at you or wonder why you need all these things.
And at the same time secretly hope someone will notice--someone who is standing in line with an armful of the same supplies.
Someone who understands but of course that never happens.
Medical supplies won't be the only thing you spend all your money on.
Be prepared to buy a new wardrobe longsleeve shirts in summer colors, bracelets, wristbands, boots...
The list goes on and on.
You will start looking at everyone in a different way.
Scanning their bodies for any signs of SI.
Just hoping that you might meet someone like you so you don't feel so terribly alone.
You wont even think about it, as your eyes scan their wrists arms.
Hoping, just hoping they will be like you, but they are not.
You will see their clean arms and feel terribly ashamed and alone.
You will start doing a lot of things alone.
You will always have to wash your laundry in private so no one sees the blood stains on your clothes and towels.
You will always be cleaning up the blood, scrubbing your bathroom floor, wiping the blood off your keyboard.
You won't be able to make it through a day without cutting.
Next thing you know you are in a public bathroom somewhere breaking open a scab with a sewing needle that you keep in your wallet for emergencies.
When you get really desperate, anything will be a cutting tool...scissors...a car key...a needle...a paperclip...even a pen.
Doesn't matter what it is if you need to cut bad enough you will find something.
Say goodbye to things you took for granted.
Like wearing shorts or sandals...pedicures...sleeveless tops.
A normal summer day at the beach or in a swimming pool will become a far off memory for you.
Get ready to itch because you will itch and itch.
So much you will look like you have fleas or a skin disease.
You will become an expert on your body as you destroy it carefully.
You will dream about cutting, you will dream about being exposed.
It will haunt you day and night and take over your life.
You will wish you never made that first cut because while you absolutely hate cutting at the same time you love it and can not live without it...

It's raining out side today...
i'm here,
you there,

nothing is more special to me then You
you are my sunrise...
you are my sunset...

i dream a dream each night...
it is of you and i
together we are ...
but you are still asleep in our bed,
and i, awaken...

i look at your sweet face,
i touch your soft brown hair...
i begin to cry...
i wish this moment would never end.

then slowly you begin to awaken.
you say "good morning beautiful"
smile... then blink a few times...

puzzled and confused
you hold and touch me
wondering why i am crying.

you comfort me
your there for me
you know me
you understand me

all my fears are gone
gone away forever.
no demons, no badness, no failure

i cry everynight, from this dream...
wishing you and i where older

red
bright
hurtful

cutting
slicing
burning

pulling
picking
stabbing

this is what i go through

cold and lonely
sad and mad
a shiny knife
looks warm and happy

side to side
and up and down
sideways across
which way to go?

cold and lonely
sad and mad
a shiny knife
is badly inside

"Clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ,
and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature"

He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

"Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge."

"Do not withhold your mercy from me,
O Lord; may your love and your truth always protect me."

Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed;
save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise....
Do not be a terror to me; you are my refuge in the day of disaster"

Date:	2006-10-08 09:36
Subject:	best friend.
Security:	Public
Mood:	content

I promise you my love

I promise you my heart

I promise you my life

I promise we'll never be apart



I promise not to hurt you

I promise to never make you cry

I promise to always trust you

I promise not to lie



I promise you forever

I promise you tonight

I promise you my respect

I promise to do things right



I promise to always be there

I promise until the end

I promise to always love you

I promise to be your best friend



I promise you my love

I promise you my life

I promise this forever

I promise our friendship is my life



your the PEANUT to my BUTTER ,

your the STAR to my BURST,

your the M to my M,

your the POP to my TART,

your the MILKY to my WAY,

your the FRUIT to my LOOP,

your the MILK to my DUDS,

your the LUCKY to my CHARMS,

your the ICE to my CREAM,

your the GHETTO to my BOOTY,

but mostly....

your the BEST to my FRIEND

But For Now It's Bedtime...
Where We Can Dream Of Each Other.

i love you so much.
sweet dreams and sleep well.
cause im always there right next to you in my dreams, i love you.
(kisses forehead)

i feel very ugly
i feel very sad
i hate how i look
i hate my arms
i wish i never hurt

i feel very ugly
i feel very sad
i hate how i look
i hate my arms
the scars will never go away