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Wednesday, April 21st, 2004
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5:03 pm - How much I've changed..
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ok so the answers in all caps will be my new answers...compare...
[ Born in ]: Tenessee
[ Good student? ]: Pretty good, except for math lol||| GOOD EXCEPT FOR MATH AND SCIENCE
[ Eyes ]: blue-grey, turn green when I'm tired
[ Hair ]: Dirty blond
[ Shoe size ]: depends on the brand, usually around 8
Last time you..
[ Had a nightmare ]: 2 nights ago || LAST WEEK
[ Said "I love you" and meant it ]: 10 minutes ago || LAST NIGHT
[ Ate at McDonald's ]: Yesterday evening || ABOUT 3 WEEKS BACK
[ Brushed your hair ]: this morning || THIS MORNING
[ Washed your hair ]: Yesterday || THE OTHER DAY, CANT REMEMBER WHICH
[ Cried ]: God, I haven't cried in over a year, although belive me I wanted to. || SUNDAY
[ Called someone ]: Yesterday || MONDAY
[ Smiled ]: right now ||15 MINUTES AGO
[ Laughed ]: Yesterday || 15 MINUTES AGO
[ Talked to an ex ]: Last night...bastard || JUST BEFORE FOURTH BLOCK, LOVE HIM TO DEATH
Do You..
[ Smoke? ]: nope, thats gross || NO
[ Do drugs? ]:Never, ugh || OCCASIONALLY
[ Sleep with stuffed animals? ]: last night! :) || NOT SO MUCH
[ Have a dream that keeps coming back? ]: Recurring dreams? All the time.. || NOT MUCH ANY MORE
[ Play an instrument? ]: nope! My voice is my instrument :) || I SING, THAT COUNT?
[ Believe there is life on other planets? ]: Duh, of course there is. || UMMM YEP
[ Remember your first love? ]: Yes, all too well...:( || YEAH, BUT THAT WAS INFATUATION. I KNOW THE REAL THING NOW.
[ Read the newspaper? ]: not really... || ONLY THE COMICS
[Have any straight friends?]: Most of them are... || MOST OF EM YEAH
[ Consider love a mistake? ]: Sometimes, it just depends... || NEVER
[ Like the taste of alcohol? ]: Not really, it amde me throw up last time || ALCOHOL? WHERE! GIMME!
[ Believe in God? ]: Nope || NOT IN THE CHRISTIAN ONE
[ Pray? ]: Well, if I don't beleive in God then why would i pray? || ONLY WHEN I'M DESPERATE
[ Go to church? ]: Again...no..not unless I am dragged into going with my friends... || DRAGGED KICKING AND SCREAMING
[ Have any secrets? ]: Secrets? Too many to count.. || DUH, WHO DOESN'T?
[ Have any pets ]: Yep! I love my bunny Emily...*hugs Emily* || EMILY
[ Talk to strangers who instant message you]: All the time || YUP
[ Wear hats? ]: Yep ||NOT REALLY
[ Have any piercings? ]: 2 in each ear || AND GETTING ANOTHER REAL SOON
[ Have any tattoos? ]: No, but I want one... || STILL WANTING ONE
[ Hate yourself? ]: Sometimes, it depends on what I've done || MOST OF THE TIME
[ Have an obsession? ]: Yeah...many || OF COURSE
[ Have a secret crush? ]: doesn't everyone? || MMHMM...
[ Collect anything? ]: puzzles and fuzzy posters and WOLVES!!! || ADD NICKELS TO THAT AND TAKE AWAY FUZZY POSTERS
[ Have a best friend? ]: yeah, Jessica || I CALL HER 'PARKER' NOW
[ Like your handwriting? ]: nope, its a sloppy mess that noone except Jess can read. || ITS GOTTEN SLIGHTLY BETTER
[ Have any bad habits? ]: Several || YUP
[ Care about looks? ]: Not a bit || ONLY SLIGHTLY
[ Boy/girlfriend's looks? ]: Not really... || ONLY SLIGHTLY
[ Friends and other people? ]: Not Really... || WHAT?
[ Believe in witches? ]: Yeah, they are called "Wiccans" || *ROLLS EYES* WICCA..YEAH...
[ Believe in Satan? ]: Nope, Satan is in link with God..its a package deal || NOPE
[ Believe in ghosts? ]: Yes || DEPENDS ON YOUR DEFINITION
Current:
[ Dress ]: Uhh..Walmart shirt thats 10 sizes too big and boxer shorts(aka pjs lol) || WOLF SHIRT AN JEANS
[ Mood ]: Bored || COLD
[ Make-up ] : None || FOUNDATION
[ Music ]: Eminem, Sing for a moment || METALLICA - MISERY LOVES COMPANY
[ Taste ]: Sierra Mist || PEEPS
[ Hair ]: Loose Ponytail || TIGHT PONYTAIL
[ Annoyance ]: My Step-dad is trying to get pictures of me again... || STUPID CD SKIPS..
[ Smell ]: My Rabbit...she needs a bath || HAVE A COLD, NO SMELL
[ Thought ]: I'm bored || I'M TOO DAMN COLD!
[ Book ]: The Silmarillion(Tolkein) || WINGS OF MERLIN
[ Fingernail Color ]: this pretty burgundy/red color.. || NONE
[ Refreshment ]: Sierra Mist || SIERRA MIST
[ Worry ]: My Math grade...gotta bring it up asap || MY LIFE
[ Favorite Celebrity ]: hmm...no favorite, its a tie. David Bedingfeild, Linkin Park, Sean Connery, Cathrine Zeta-Jones..etc.. || DON'T HAVE ONE
Last Person:
[ You Touched ]: My Great-Grandmother last night || DAVID..GRANDMOTHER IS DEAD NOW
[ You Talked to ]: My Step-dad || MY STEP DAD
[ You Hugged ]: My Great-grandmother || DAVID
[ You Instant messaged ]: DAVID (MY BOYFRIEND, FYI)
[ You Yelled At ]: I haven't yelled at anyone ||NO ONE EVER
[ You Had A Crush On ]: Alex... || *COUGH*
[ Who broke Your Heart ]: Matt *growl* || ALEX
Who do you want to:
[ Kill ]: Matt and Alicia || NO ONE REALLY
[ Slap ]: Matt and Alicia || NO ONE
[ Tickle ]: Alex(my cousin, the baby) || JESSIE CAUSE ITS FUNNY
[ Talk To ]: Alex(not my cousin) || PAUL
[ Be Like ]: no one, I like being me!! ||ANYONE BUT ME
-----
whoa.. big change....
current mood:  cold
current music: Metallica - Sad but True
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| Tuesday, April 20th, 2004
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4:49 pm
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I haven't posted here in ages... almost a year. Still with my other diary, http://enigmawolf.diaryland.com and also have a livejournal that I update occasionally.. http://livejournal.com/users/joenanna
...meh.. ok, Paul is well, I'm in love with him. I also have a boyfriend, not Paul.. I haven't talked to Alex since we broke up.. so I'm dating David, this saturday is our 6 month, and I'm cheating on him with Paul...eep..
and..wow. I've just changed so much..
Its April 20, 2004... *blink* such a long time..
current mood:  contemplative
current music: Metallica - Welcome Home (Sanitarium) ..(wow I changed..)
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| Friday, June 6th, 2003
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12:10 pm - Moving
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| Wednesday, June 4th, 2003
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2:01 pm
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Ughh..I feel awful!! Ok, last night I did it. That method of meditating Paul told me about. I memorised everything he told me about it. Then..I did it, exactly like he said. The only problem was that somethin went wrong. Something scared me, I don't know what it was. But I ended up crash-landing. My brain and my body ached..before I passed out and felt nothing. And they came, my spirit guides They've only come a few times before. The first time they appeared, I had a temperature of 103, and in the morning it had dropped to 99. The second time was actually the day Matt broke up with me. That entire day I was in a daze, but they were there, helping me. The third time was the night Alex yelled at me. He yelled at me for nearly 45 min, I just sat there, feeling helpless and knowing I deserved it. I haven't spoken with him since, but I loved him. They helped me again last night, pulled me back.
There are 4 of them, wolves. The 3 females hae identified themselves as hope, love, joy. The male,he is a brooding one who hasn't yet revealed his nature. They comfort me, help me in times of great need.I whole heartedly am thankful for them, I wouldn't want to even think of where I would be without them.
Oh, and Paul. Two things, if I minded you reading this, I woudn't post it here. And also, if you really want to try and understand me, go to the poetry section of the forsaken. My 2 screen names there are Escapewolf13 and Silenced Enigma. Especially check the "Poem of your nick" thread. Later this afternoon I will be gone to a friends house, and I'm spending the night. Tomorrow I should be home around he time you get off work, because I KNOW youll want to talk to me after readin this.
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| Tuesday, June 3rd, 2003
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12:43 pm
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Last night I had 2 very disturbing dreams.
(It was sorta like 3rd person)The first one I saw myself standing, with my hair down. I looked over and there wsa Alicia. But she ha Josh AND Matt hanging all over her. And not Josh my brother, but Josh Phillips, the guy I was head over heels for last year whom I just found out was flirting with her the other day an now goes to Matt's church. Anyways, Matt and Josh were hanging all over her and I saw me, my face contorted in fury, start yelling. I couldn't catch all the words, but the ones I did get were pretty bad. Suddenly I stopped and my eyes welled up a moment efore they clered and I pulled out one of those big fancy pocket knives with the too big lades that are ony for dislay. In my other hand was a lighter and Ieated up the edge o the blade, thendropped the lighter and bunched my hair up and sliced it right off. The hair fell in a circle around me and I took the blade and made a small cut in my arm. Blood hit one spot of hai i the circle and went all the way around. Then I saw myself say a few words then drop the vlae and fall to the ground, crying in the midst of a circle of bloddied hair.
i have no idea what the hell that is, maybe I'll ask Paul to hepl me figure it out.
The second dream was 1st person, so I was in my body again. And I was in my room but it was a hotel room and my room at the same time. Mom walks in and goes "Ok, lets go." I just looked at her."Go where?" Mom was like,"Our plane leaves in half an hour. Lets go!" "Plane? Were leaving today? But I don't have anything packed!" Again, she ooked at me like I was stupid. "Listen, Its only a 3 day trip. You don't need anything." "Mom, what about clothes, or a book.." "leave it. Lets go" I had no choice but to follow her out of the room and walked down the hall. Suddenly we were in the airport. "Mom please at least let me get a book.." I whined when we got to the gate. "fine, but hurry!" I ran back to the room and started shoving things in my backpack, then ran back down to the gate. Chris wasn't there, it was just Mom and Jen and...some guy, who looked sorta like Robin Williams. Mom greeted him as she woul Chris, and this guy was..optimistic. It was weird, but apparently it was nothing out of the ordinary. Then we boarded the plane.
I have not the faintest idea...don't even ask...
current mood:  confused
current music: Play--J. Lo.....don't ask, I don't even know...
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| Monday, June 2nd, 2003
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11:15 am - Great weekend...
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Oh, yeah. My weekend was just peachy. Friday evening Paw came and got me, we went to Walmart trying to waste time. He was driving the red truck, yes the new one, and"his station" is B97.5! soft rock..*shudders* Anyways, we ended up going to Robyn's(his girlriend..*rolls eyes*) and waiting for an hour an a half, I passed the time with Harry Potter #4. Yeah well she got there and we went to Austin's this ryan-like place in knoxville. Then we took her hoe ad went back to the house. Paw has so many flowers his year!! He actually ran out of pots and had to resort to stealing some of this guys porch! LOL!!! Fun, fun, fun. Hmm..lets see I a moosetracks after my shower, yum, and then went to bed around 12.
Oh, the next day is even more fun!! Yeah, I got towake up at 8 to go to te smoke-filled bar called the Brewery. Whhich, I have to admit, their toast and bacon is awesome! They could use some work on the eggs, though. After breakfast we went back to the house or awhile and then to see Grandmother, she was eating lunch. She ate more than I'd seen her eat since moving to that nursing home, bless her heart she'll be 97 on June 8th. Paw brought the some creme to rub on her foot, t stop the pain I hope it worked! After seeing her we drove out to Cumberland, just for the flea market. He gave me $10 and set me loose. I ended up buying this little toe ring and 3 ankle bracelets for $2. I saw ll these awesome pocket knives and rebel flag stuff, an I SO wanted to buy it but I knew what would happen if it did...well on the bright side, I now have $8! We had McDonald's on theway back, then to do some of his errands, then to see Grandmother again, then moved the remainder of her stff out of Jamestown. Afterwards we went to this little Pizza place, it was pretty good. I ended up taking a large part of it back with me for lunch the next day. Oh, and on the way home I got 1 of his infamous lectures, this one on hormones and estrigin. Yeah, I know.. it tuned a large part of it out, hehe. I also rode around on the lawnmower abit. When it was getting dark I was laying on the toobox on the back of the truck, watching the clouds. Suddenly, I sawsomething...I don't know what it was, like a breif flash of somthing that you immediatly forget. Next thing I know its dark I'm like "What the hell?" The dogs didn't answer me. Stupid dogs. I went inside, took a shower, and finished off the moosetracks before going to bed at 12.
Then on Sunday he let me sleep in till 10, then woke me up so I could eat a box of doughnut holesand drink a sprite. We went to see Grandmother again, she was smiling, and seemed more...alive. She hadn't had pain edication that morning, i'm guessing thats why. But I combed her hair and she put on lipstick before we left. Upon returning home, I heated up the leftover pizza and threw the crusts to the dogs, and ate what I wanted. Then I "got" to mow the feild, it took an hour and 35 min. Then I was allowed to rest awhile before I started potting plants. After that I tended the fire and he brought me home, I finally got to isten to MY staion! (Thank you so much, I was about to go crazy b/c all those soft rock songs are about love and its hard to hate Matt when you are listening to that, and plus the fact that he got in a wreck, was in the bed of a truck that got rear-ended, hurt his back.) When I got home i mae the mistake of taking te bag of hershey's kisses and running...lets jus say Eli and I ended up in a pile on the front yard. Owell, I stayed up till 4:30 before decideing i might as ell go to sleep. I didn't want to be out in the living room with Jen..she was watching this sow called "Married Couples"..I didn't need to see that anymore so i went back to my room. Fun fun fun...
current mood:  awake
current music: What would you do--City High...mainly cause its on the radio
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| Wednesday, May 28th, 2003
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8:07 pm - Hmm..
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Yet another strange dream last night... This one involved my school and kids running rampant... and Mrs. Buckner arguing with Ben Stein over how enormous her feet were..yet she was saying that her feet were big and he said they weren't...... strange... Anyway I'm talking to Vermi at the moment, very funny. Oh, and today I finally went Wireless! So i'm in the livin room watchin K-Pax! O, and I wish Paul much luck on his date with Lauren!!
current mood:  amused
current music: Paradise by the dashboard light--Meatloaf
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| Monday, May 26th, 2003
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10:34 am
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Whoa. I had a strange dream last night.. parts of it I'm not going to post here, but there was something about fire and I had blood on my hands and there was this guy there, not sure who it was...*shrugs* Whatever...
Last night Paul cast my reading...got the Horse (union between man and nature), Torch (the light into a situation has none), and Day (progression from beginning to end)... he said I'd have to interpret it myself...I suck at doing that! Bah, I'll figure it out eventually, and probably too late anyways.
I've been thinking of my areas of expertise, and decided. I'm going to do runes and dreams. I used to have a little of everything, then I figured that if I delce deeply into one o two subjects, then more power to me. So I'll be studying these all day...its Memorial day so a big chance of doing some sort of "family thing"... Owell...Bah, I need breakfast..
current mood: awake
current music: I'll be there-- ??
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| Sunday, May 25th, 2003
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7:34 pm - Poor Grandmother....
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My great-grandmother will be turning 97 on June 8th. A month ago she fell and broke her hip, then got surgery and is now in a nursing home in Rockwood which is over an hour's drive away. And a week ago she stopped eating. We have been able to get 8 bites at most in her each meal. Paw called and said we should all go see her because there's a chance she will die... *shudders* she was so weak today, it just pained me. We did what we could. I'm just worried about her...
And now I'm Mad because Matt invited Alicia to the next Calar game!!! She said she needed permission...I'll tell her to let me speak to her Mom, I'll convince her to let Alicia go. Then I'll tell her mom all the negative things about the game, exagerate them, and "covienetly forget" to tell her te positives. Yes, that better work!! If not, then I'll have her put on a different team than Matt, so they can't be kissing and such during the game. I soooo hope she can't go!
current mood:  anxious
current music: Bring Me To Life--Evanescence
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| Sunday, May 18th, 2003
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2:07 pm - My weekend...
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Well, I had fun at Laser Quest, even though I missed my brother's graduation. The first game I got 4th place with 3 hundred-somethin points but the secnd time Jesica stalked me and kept shooting me even when I said "Truce" and she agreed. She even ran up to me and started shooting me barrel-to-barrel. Then when we got out of the game my score was -6! And to make it worse when we got out of the game like 15 guys we kno from school were there and Jess kept shouting "You got a -6! You got a -6!!" as loud as she could! Well, you can imagine how that made me feel so I started yelling back "Only because you stalked me!" and stuff like that. *rolls eyes* owell. Then me, Jess, Sim, and Cole went back to Jess's Mawmaw's house and the 3 of them got in the hot tub butI couldn't cause I didn't have my swim suit and I refused to get my clothes wet. So I just sat on the side dangling my feet in and we played truth or dare. ((Of course every time I got truth I lied, lol)). and since I was dry I was the DJ so I had cvontrol of the stereo. Thenwe started talking about horror movies(it was around 12 or so) and Cole said something about that scene in "Valentine" where that girl is in the hottub and the glass lid closes on her, but she can still breathe cause there's a air bubble. Then the murderer takes an ax and...yeah...but the water starts turning red. Right about then we all start gettign paranoid and Nicole tips her drink abit and the RED Hawaiian Punch spills into the water, making it red...They all jumped out and I scooted back. And we kept hearing noises and getting more and more scared...so we went inside. I have verifyed that I have an over-active imagination, lol. I kept seeing and hearing things... owell. We went to sleep and me and Sim were the first ones up so we went in the living room and Mamaw fixed breakfast. I had scrambled eggs and bacon. Then Nicole got up and we had a heck of a time getting Jess up. We literally dragged her into the living reoom twice before we threatened to sit on her and she got up. Hehe. Later Mamaw took me & Sim home. Soon as I got home I called Paw to let him know he could come get me. He didn't answer so I called Memaw and shetold me his cell #. Then he beeped in, and sounded miserable. Apparently he had lost his balance and had been laying on the couch for 15 min unable to get up. Poor Paw... later Memaw took me & Sim & Alissa to the Expo center. I got a ring with my birthdtone and an AWESOME dragon thing. It was Pewter, and $10. It was a little bos with a dragon on the top, and 2 smaller ones just like it nextto it. You pick up the lid and the 2 lttle dragons are earrings, the big one is a pin, and a choker with the same dragon on it is inside!! I love it! O, and I also got a blue lighter ;) but don't tell, I wasn't supposed to buy it, lol. We took Sim home and Alissa came back to Memaw's house. we watched Alex while Missy went to get dinner, during a hellacious storm we stayed downstairs. Then Missy came back and we had Pizza Hut and they went home, then Memaw took me home. My Internet hated me last night, wasn't working and I stayed on till 12. Eli had been here all day and left around 10, and Chris showed me the pics he had taken of Jimmy and Talicia(hope I'm spelling that right). Now I'm just sitting here doing nothing, lol.
current mood:  bored
current music: "Her favorite color is chrome" Don't ask why, I don't know..
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| Wednesday, May 14th, 2003
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9:53 pm - Tired..
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Man..I feel artistic. I think I'll draw the cover of my fav book, 'I am Morgan LeFay' its an awesome book. Anyways...today I got a major wake-up call. This isn't going to work... And by this I mean pretending to be perfectly fine with Matt and Alicia even though I'm not... *sigh* Matt was really pissed off after 4th block about this girl purposefully getting in his way from being able to see Alicia. *rolls eyes* yeah but I ran up behind him on the way down to the bus and hit him over the head with a rolled up piece of paper. Anyway he yelled at me, "Don't you hit me, Woman!" and then something to the extent of hitting me or hurting me or something, I was really to startled to listen. I kind of stopped walking and my hands started trembling. Then I heard a bus engine start up and ran the rest of the way to the bus....He's never yelled at me before... It just hurt me so much even though...nevermind. *sigh* I wanted to cry. /but I can't stand it whenthey kiss in front of me...so I turn away or walk away...I always act happy and heerful and stuff but I think Mattt put it best when he said "It ws because you lied. You lied emotionally, no one can be that happy all the time. They've got to be hiding something..." Its true... bah I think I may just avoid them..although that'll be near impossible... but hey, on the bright side we only have 6 school days left! Bah, I'm worn out...time for sleep an' such...
current mood:  artistic
current music: Fighter--Christina Aguilera
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| Monday, May 12th, 2003
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11:01 pm
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I'm tired and I can't go to sleep. Blah. So I decided to post a poem, which btw is the only one of the 6 I turned in that actually made it into the school's Literary magazine...
....Where Are you?....
Where are you?
I haven't seen you in almost a year.
Don't worry, I've been brave.
Didn't shed a single tear!
Tonight I'll leave flowers
by your stone front door
For its the anniversary of the last time
I saw that face of yours.
I remember it just like yesterday.
You took me out, on your brand new motorcycle.
And we were having so much fun!
But then we got in a wreck
and I woke up in the hospital.
I've been told that I was out cold,
For 3 days at least.
But I remember you visiting me,
how could that be?
I was also told that you've departed,
to the Great Beyond.
But that can't be, because I love you.
So...where are you?
Where are you, Daddy?
current mood:  tired
current music: World in his hands--Christian Song..why the hell is that song in my head? I'll shoot whoever put it in my head....
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| Sunday, May 11th, 2003
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11:24 pm - I have a headache....
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well...this weekend was a blast. I wet to a friend's house on Friday. We wanted to go walking but I didn't feel like digging my own sandals out of my bag so I ended up wearing some of those shoes where that little strap goes between the toes...any way we walked down to the highway and back, about a 2 mile trip all around. So now I have 2 blisters, one on each foot right there where that strap rubbed...ow.. Well after that we went to Simmie's Dad's house(which is in the projects of my community, actually on a hill named "Stone Point" which the residents have affectionatly renamed "Stoner Point" Lolz) and took care of the kids while the adults (mainly men) were playing that game with the quarters and drinkin an smokin. They named me Hippie girl cause of my bandanna and purple sunglasses... yeah it was sorta fun, you could say. Anyway we went to sleep and took care of the kids again in the morning, without the adults there this time. So..we told the kids to go outside and took advantage of the situation...l;ets just say its hard to taste Bicarday Silver(sp?) in a Mountain Dew...lol. But later the adults got back and we went back to Sim's house, got a gallon of vanilla ice cream, toppings, and rented movies. We ended up watching: 40 Days and 40 Nights, 8 Mile, SwimFan, & then Jess had to go hoe cause it was almost midnight. After she left me & Sim watched about half of Drumline, then went to sleep and watched the rest in the mornin..while eating our breakfast of Ice cream sundaes..lol that was a bad idea. it madew my stomach hurt..owell. about 12:30 Memaw came and picked me up and we went to Walmart, got shoes, Arbys for lunch, then to see Grandmother for Mother's day. nothing much happened after that... exept Paul pulling another mind job on me...man I'm confused...can anyone tell me what what pain is?
current mood: confused
current music: Flagpole Sitta--Harvey Danger.. Not sure quite why...
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| Sunday, May 4th, 2003
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1:49 pm - A little about me....
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[ Born in ]: Tenessee
[ Good student? ]: Pretty good, except for math, lol
[ Eyes ]: blue-grey, turn green when I'm tired
[ Hair ]: Dirty blond
[ Shoe size ]: depends on the brand, usually around 8
Last time you..
[ Had a nightmare ]: 2 nights ago
[ Said "I love you" and meant it ]: 10 minutes ago
[ Ate at McDonald's ]: Yesterday evening
[ Brushed your hair ]: this morning
[ Washed your hair ]: Yesterday
[ Cried ]: God, I haven't cried in over a year, although belive me I wanted to.
[ Called someone ]: Yesterday
[ Smiled ]: right now
[ Laughed ]: Yesterday
[ Talked to an ex ]: Last night...bastard
Do You..
[ Smoke? ]: nope, thats gross
[ Do drugs? ]:Never, ugh
[ Sleep with stuffed animals? ]: last night! :)
[ Have a dream that keeps coming back? ]: Recurring dreams? All the time..
[ Play an instrument? ]: nope! My voice is my instrument :)
[ Believe there is life on other planets? ]: Duh, of course there is.
[ Remember your first love? ]: Yes, all too well...:(
[ Read the newspaper? ]: not really...
[Have any straight friends?]: Most of them are...
[ Consider love a mistake? ]: Sometimes, it just depends...
[ Like the taste of alcohol? ]: Not really, it amde me throw up last time
[ Believe in God? ]: Nope
[ Pray? ]: Well, if I don't beleive in God then why would i pray?
[ Go to church? ]: Again...no..not unless I am dragged into going with my friends...
[ Have any secrets? ]: Secrets? Too many to count..
[ Have any pets ]: Yep! I love my bunny Emily...*hugs Emily*
[ Talk to strangers who instant message you]: All the time
[ Wear hats? ]: Yep
[ Have any piercings? ]: 2 in each ear
[ Have any tattoos? ]: No, but I want one...
[ Hate yourself? ]: Sometimes, it depends on what I've done
[ Have an obsession? ]: Yeah...many
[ Have a secret crush? ]: doesn't everyone?
[ Collect anything? ]: puzzles and fuzzy posters and WOLVES!!!
[ Have a best friend? ]: yeah, Jessica
[ Like your handwriting? ]: nope, its a sloppy mess that noone except Jess can read.
[ Have any bad habits? ]: Several
[ Care about looks? ]: Not a bit
[ Boy/girlfriend's looks? ]: Not really...
[ Friends and other people? ]: Not Really...
[ Believe in witches? ]: Yeah, they are called "Wiccans"
[ Believe in Satan? ]: Nope, Satan is in link with God..its a package deal
[ Believe in ghosts? ]: Yes
Current:
[ Dress ]: Uhh..Walmart shirt thats 10 sizes too big and boxer shorts(aka pjs lol)
[ Mood ]: Bored
[ Make-up ] : None
[ Music ]: Eminem, Sing for a moment
[ Taste ]: Sierra Mist
[ Hair ]: Loose Ponytail
[ Annoyance ]: My Step-dad is trying to get pictures of me again...
[ Smell ]: My Rabbit...she needs a bath
[ Thought ]: I'm bored
[ Book ]: The Silmarillion(Tolkein)
[ Fingernail Color ]: this pretty burgundy/red color..
[ Refreshment ]: Sierra Mist
[ Worry ]: My Math grade...gotta bring it up asap
[ Favorite Celebrity ]: hmm...no favorite, its a tie. David Bedingfeild, Linkin Park, Sean Connery, Cathrine Zeta-Jones..etc..
Last Person:
[ You Touched ]: My Great-Grandmother last night
[ You Talked to ]: My Step-dad
[ You Hugged ]: My Great-grandmother
[ You Instant messaged ]: Alex :)
[ You Yelled At ]: I haven't yelled at anyone in a long time...I'm guessing it was Clinton
[ You Had A Crush On ]: Alex...
[ Who broke Your Heart ]: Matt *growl*
Who do you want to:
[ Kill ]: Matt and Alicia
[ Slap ]: Matt and Alicia
[ Tickle ]: Alex(my cousin, the baby)
[ Talk To ]: Alex(not my cousin)
[ Be Like ]: no one, I like being me!!
current mood: bored
current music: commercials on the radio
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1:08 pm - .....
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I feel...I dunno what it is. I sorta feel drained, you could say. This mornin I was talking to Alex and I told him something I've never told anyone, ever. I told him about my demon. And, I guess I wish I hadn't told him, cause he freaked out and wanted to hurt a certain person...but I suddenly feel drained..tired...its Sunday and there is nothing to do...I doubt anything of interest will happen... Oyeah another poem! right now I'm doing poems of my name...
Steaming hot water pours over my body
I let it drown out my worries.
Learning that lesson sure was tough
Every lesson does its own damage
Never leaving a visible mark, only inside
Changing inside from all these lessons,
Each lesson leaves a mark, slowly warping the surface of the wall
Danger lurks within, the wall may soon break.
Emotions pounding on my wall
Never gonna let it fall..I can't let it fall!
I'm trying to keep a straight face
Goodness knows how long I can keep this up
Maybe the wall won't fall...maybe...
And I sob uncontrollably as the wall finally crumbles, leaving me open to the world...
current mood:  drained
current music: Bring Me to Life--Evanescence
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| Friday, May 2nd, 2003
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10:01 pm - My hands are shaking...
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I can't beleive this...ok today I walked to Nicole's house with Jess and I found out that not 5 minutes after Matt broke up with me, he and Alicia (who is supposed to be my friend) were making out!!! *takes deep breath* I've been trying to be all nice an junk but I thought it was like 6 days! Thats when I found out....OMFG I am SO goona do smething if I can't calm down....and to make matters worse, we saw X2 tonite, but as we were leaving I saw Josh...I was in love with him last year...man this hurts so bad...and they say high school is supposed to be the best years of your life...yeah well whoever said that needs to be shot...*sigh*I need to calm down...maybe I'll steal some Mead from the closet...Chris is making mead....yeah..I think thats what I'll do...
current mood:  pissed off
current music: She Hates Me--Pddle of Mud
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| Wednesday, April 30th, 2003
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6:04 pm - Man...
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I had an awesome day...why am I so depressed? Lets see here...half day at school..did virtually nothing in class,then walked to McDonald's and then to Nicole's house.... and then we watched Entrapment and had a blast! So why am I depressed? Oh...now I remember... I was talking to Matt(my ex) and Alicia(one of my best buds) and they just started making out...ugh. I just walked away...I try not to show that it bothers me...*sigh* I can't beleive this is happening to me! Arg...I'm going to lay down or something...my head hurts...
current mood:  depressed
current music: All The Things She Said--t.a.T.u
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| Tuesday, April 29th, 2003
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7:24 pm - O.o....Quizzes!
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6:12 pm - Storms
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Wh00t!! Today was Great! There's this totally wicked Storm outside! And I ran outside and played....it was SO fun!!! I feel...oh whats the word? Exhausted, but happy...Oh Hell I dunno. But its great! And earlier today umm.... something happened... Oyeah! My Great-Grandmother of 96 had her hip surgery today at noon... and she's doing just fine, staying in ICU overnight. I'm so happy! Tomoorow is a half-day at school! :) Anyways last night when I was visiting with Grandmother(She said to call her that so she doesn't feel as old, lol) I was holding her hands...she's retired artist and her paintings are al over the walls! Well, I decided to write a lil sumthing for her...
An Artist's Hands
These hands, these wrinkled hands.
I study them as they weakly grip my own
my smooth, cool, and, I have to admit, unremakable hands.
These blessed hnds are warm, while mine are cool.
I look into her eyes, tey are a smoky color now
when they used to be the same as a bright sky at noon.
Again my attention is recptured by her hands.
Her fingers, nimble little things, and surprisingly strong.
These hands have painted many a masterpeice
And completed more craft projects than I could count.
Now they grip mine, as we bow our heads so that she may pray.
I know it won't help, except to give her false hope.
I shake my head sadly, although my hands remain clapsed in hers.
"I Love You." I whisper, kissing those remarkable hands.
She just smiles with tears in her eyes, and finally her hands relese mine.
"Goodbye Grandmother" I wish her good luck.
"Goodbye sweetie....see you tomorrow" My great-grandmother smiles.
Tears blur my vision as I remember that sh may not survive the night.
And rage fills my heart, cursing the false God that she beleives will keep her safe.
The last thing I see is those ancient, wrinkled hands, waving farewell from a small hospital bed.
The hands of an artist, frail and hopeful.
Those hands, they might yet get to paint another day.
current mood:  rejuvenated
current music: She's my kind of Rain--Tim Mcgraw
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| Sunday, April 27th, 2003
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10:00 pm - Screw This
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Man. I hate this compleatly and totally. Our thing in the park was cancelled. That guy I met online-Alex- I only got to talk to him for like 20 min and then my ex -Matt- was lecuring me on being careful and stuff. My God is everyone out to get me? I feel so torn up in so many different directions it inspired me to write. Imagine that. This poem is Called The Letter
I walk into a small room, and seeing a crumpled letter,I pick it up and read.
Tell Momma I'm sorry for all the lies I've told.
Tell Sissy I wish I could have helped her with all she owed.
Tell Matt I still loved him, even in the end.
And please tell Alex I'm sorry I got scared.
Who ever finds this note, please do these final things for me.
So that I may rest happy and peacefully.
Give them my diary for them to see,
Hopefully it may help with their greif.
Momma may see the full truth, and Sissy can take what she wants.
Matt can see how much I loved him, and Alex can see why I was afraid.
Please do these small things, I beg of the reader.
Tis my last wish, all I have to offer.
Maybe then I might be understood.
Tears flow down as I finish the letter,
Knowing times certaintly haven't gotten better.
I read it once more, memories flooding my head.
Finally I just lay there sobbing on my bed
I wonder"Why didn't I? What happened to stop me?"
Remembering not how he saved me from myself.
I look out the window to see him arrive, Better make it quick.
Lighting a match, I watch the letter burn.
No evidence this time, now its my turn...
current mood:  pessimistic
current music: Screw this (no idea on singer)
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